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Opinion: Once You’re on the Mattress You Can’t Even Tell It’s on the Floor

Look, this is pure physics. Are you going to argue with the laws of physics? Once you’re on the mattress, you can’t tell it’s on the floor because you no longer have the context of your surroundings. Trust me. You wanna find out? My mattress is on the floor in my bedroom and we can prove the theory whenever you want!

See, you already know the mattress is on the floor but if you can get past that psychologically there is literally no difference. Do you think your inner ear can sense the minute difference in altitude? Trick question, that’s not even what the inner ear does. Trust me, I’ve had plenty of people share that bed with me. Seriously, so many. And once we’re in bed; no complaints. Well, a slightly below average number of complaints. But definitely none related to the lack of bed frame.

Let me put it this way. You know how when you’re in a car you feel like you’re sitting still even though the car is going 60 miles per hour? It’s the same basic concept. If you were outside the car you would feel it moving but, because you’re inside, you lose your point of reference as the car moves around you. Same with the bed. Because you’re on the mattress, you have no point of reference to indicate the elevation off the ground. Don’t believe me, let’s test it out and I’ll show you.

I call it the Mattress Axiom, and trust me, I have explained it thoroughly to countless women. Can you feel a difference once you’re upstairs in your house? No. Stop lying, you can’t. As long as everything else is level with you, your brain will no longer sense the difference. Therefore, as long as the other person/people are also on the mattress with you, your brain will lose its source for contextual analysis indicative of elevation. This is pretty basic stuff.

It’s like Dr. Schrodinger said in his world renowned thought experiment, “Until you step off the bed, the mattress is both on the ground and on a bed frame. And as everyone knows, Dr. Schrodinger had his mattress on the ground… and yeah, he fucks.”

 
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