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Report: Power Rangers Receive 0 Hours of Training Before Being Given Lethal Megazord

ANGEL GROVE, Calif. — Despite receiving absolutely no training of any kind, the adolescent vigilante group “Power Rangers” were reportedly handed blasters and keys to a 600-foot Megazord composed of five lethal mechanical marvels to use however they saw fit.

“As far as we can tell, there is no certification process in place before giving these kids enough firepower to destroy a small army,” said a spokesperson for a local anti-Ranger activist group. “Not even a 20-minute video about how to deescalate a situation with a giant mole monster. Nothing.”

While the Power Rangers were once seen as “cool” for saving the world on occasion, their role was called into question after leaked helmet-cam footage showed them escalating a conflict with local monster Scuba Conniver. The short clip shows the high school students firing explosives at the suspect’s chest until he is completely incapacitated, then forming into the colossal Megazord in order to execute the unconscious monster with an energy blast.

“It took them like, three minutes to form that shape, and that blast used enough energy to power the city for months. Meanwhile the dude was just flailing around and grunting,” wrote one commenter under the video. “Is that really easier than reading his Miranda Rights? Couldn’t these kids be replaced with social workers?”

“These so-called ‘evil’ monsters shouldn’t be facing executioners that just want to fire explosions so they can look cool,” commented Leanbow, a former monster who was rehabilitated into a respected member of society. “They should be facing therapists who can help them grapple with their desire for approval and channel it into productive activities.”

 

Even once-fervent supporters of the group are calling for the Power Rangers to introduce more stringent prerequisites, as their “Teenagers With Attitude” approach continued to wreak havoc on infrastructure and damage their reputation in the community.

“What about an adult with attitude? I have a criminology Master’s Degree and a Bachelor’s in Criminal Justice, but they refuse to even consider me,” said Darryl Flink, who graduated Summa Cum Laude from Stanford Law School. “Those kids don’t even have driver’s licenses. I heard one of them was given a sentient car for his thirteenth birthday.”

In response to the outrage against their supposed abuse of power, the Power Rangers later released a statement expressing that they would “rather fucking die” than give up their Megazord, even if laws are passed to remove it from them.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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