BOSTON — Longtime opening band English Degrees played to a crowd of their own vehicles at a local drive-in show last night thanks to a disappointing early turnout at the event, witnesses who arrived supremely late confirmed.
“Technically, this was the largest spectacle we’ve ever played to,” said bassist Jenny Crullivan, pushing a pile of garbage from her front passenger seat onto the car floor. “Sure, not one person was inside any of our cars during the set, and I couldn’t help but stare at the horrendously filthy conditions of my jalopy’s interior the whole time… but it was just nice to play to something other than the bereft void of existential nothingness for a change. If anything, the free exposure to the lone parking attendant could really pay off in the long run.”
Sadly, some of Crullivan’s band members disagreed.
“Do you have any idea what it’s like to waste your perfectly rehearsed stage banter on a bunch of empty Ford Escorts?” said singer Arnold Anthisse, from his mother’s “borrowed” car. “I tried to stall the start of the show as long as I could to give more time for stragglers to show up, but somehow, traffic always ruins everyone’s ability to be punctual and catch our set. That could be the only reasonable explanation why no one ever comes on time to see us.”
Experts wonder whether bands can find innovative ways to entice people to attend future drive-in shows.
“Opening bands have a legitimate opportunity to get creative and make it look like people are actually interested in them,” show booker Jay Sonodman said. “Rent a couple of cars from Avis, steal your parents’ cars, throw some cardboard cutouts of Danny Devito in the back seats and rig them up to some strings ‘Home Alone’-style, and you got yourself a legitimate-looking audience size from afar. That’s way easier than trying to persuade your friends to come see your shitty band anyway. For musicians today, it’s all about appearing like you have a following — actually enjoying your music is woefully irrelevant.”
At the show’s close, bartenders were seen staying long past their shifts to help showgoers jumpstart their cars after many accidentally left their interior lights on for hours.