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5 DIY Fixes for the Thumping Heartbeat Beneath the Floorboard That Keeps Growing Louder and Louder

With all the time spent around the house these days, many people are finding creative ways to perform simple home maintenance projects around the house. But what about the more difficult projects, like the thumping heartbeat beneath your floorboards?

Yes, the auditory hallucinations of a guilt-ridden mind are no match for the combination of a DIY attitude and a little bit of know-how. Here are five ways you can keep your secrets buried and maybe even spruce up the place a little doing it!

Trick 1: Try moving something heavy over the spot, like a hutch or a china cabinet. If your heavily-increasing heartbeat is in the center of the room, consider placing a large couch or coffee table above it. With the right amount of decorating know-how, you can create a centerpiece that ties a room together and keeps the room’s secrets!

Trick 2: Flooring styles are updating frequently, and what was popular a few years ago may be out of fashion today. Consider coving up those tacky, hardwood boards with some nice, new tile, maybe a chic ceramic look—or why not something heavy, like cement? Sure it looks a bit drab, but it’ll certainly stop that dreadful, beating thud and keep out wandering eyes!

Trick 3: Consider putting your stereo in the room with the noise. If the stereo is playing, it’ll drown out any other noise that may be emanating from the room. Vacuum the room often. Vacuum the room all day. Run your blender continuously while your stereo blasts Burzum at full volume. Throw parties and encourage lots of singing and little snooping. The less they know, the better!

Trick 4: Consider purchasing a new house. The market is about to crash given the current state of the economy, which is a great opportunity for guilt-ridden buyers. Consider leaving a candle lit near a wool carpet in your current house while you step out for a few hours. You took out a hefty insurance policy, right? Maybe a fresh start is exactly what you need. Maybe a name change too. Anything to make that vile, beating heart stop pounding, louder and louder. Anything to draw the image of his evil eye out of your mind.

Trick 5: Is the house burning yet? Try calling the police. Admit your crime, you killed him, you couldn’t stand the look of that evil eye. Tell them to tear up the floorboards. Ask them—do they hear it, too? Or is it just you? Why won’t the beating stop?