Hey, Hometown Crush Who Peaked in High School Here, Just Sliding Into Your DMs to Say “Not All Cops”

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

Yesterday, 1:26pm
Hey, remember me lol it’s been a while!

Yesterday, 1:29pm
Thought about you the other day when I ran a stop sign on your old street and clipped a dude on a bike. Wanted to see what you’ve been up to and, gotta say, you have a lot of crazy anti-cop posts lately

Yesterday, 1:31pm
I know you’re smart because without your homework I wouldn’t have passed 10th grade English, so I feel like you of all people should know that not all cops are bad!!

Yesterday, 1:32pm
Think about it. Of course some cops suck, because most people suck!! Like remember that emo dork Isaac you used to date? He wore eyeliner, and he sucked, so it makes sense that some cops suck, too. Maybe he became a cop! Have you checked?

Yesterday, 1:33pm
Also, just to be straight with you (unlike Isaac LOL), it’s scarier to be a police officer than it is to be black. Like I’m shocked you don’t know this. I know it, and I’m not even black or a cop! I feel like you would understand if we could talk in person. Let’s meet up haha

Yesterday, 10:46pm
Hellooo, you there? I’m serious! Let’s get together and talk about it. I can show you this video I watched that explains the science behind why cops aren’t racist (won’t go into it but basically, some of them are black). Also I found some really insane pre-workout supplements from a bunch of ads on the site, so you know it’s good. They keep making me have to piss lol

Today, 12:32am
Yo am I bothering you? Haha sorry, the pre-workout made me WIRED!!! I thought you should know most of those “videos” of “protesters” being “attacked by police” are staged. I mean you saw Trump’s tweet, right?

Today, 12:59am
When are you coming over haha jk

Today, 1:12am
But seriously

Facebook Bans Skinheads, Chemo Patients, Buddhist Monks

Posted on by Jon Dunbar

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Facebook purged thousands of user accounts belonging to members of right-wing hate groups last week, but also inadvertently scrubbed user information of anti-racist skinheads, chemotherapy patients, Buddhist monks, and even the owners of hairless cats, irate sources confirmed.

“Facebook blocked me because they said I fit the description of known racist agitators,” said Shoshana Agwuegbo, a 13-year-old Stage 4 cancer patient, from her hospital bed. “I’ve been using Facebook to update my family about my condition… and when I finally had some good news to share, I was locked out of my account. They said I could access my account again in 90 days, but the way this cancer has been ravaging my body, I’m not sure I will make it that long.”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has faced growing calls to address racism in the wake of controversial statements shared by President Trump on the social media platform.

“Facebook has never been about politics, but we understand some action has to be taken. We thought it would be best to delete the accounts of anyone with a shaved head because they are typically bad guys — our algorithm says if you have a shaved head, you’re a racist, regardless of your ethnicity, religion, or actual beliefs,” said Zuckerberg from his San Francisco compound. “Even if we did make a few mistakes, there is no proving that a 65-year-old gardener with male pattern baldness isn’t a devout white supremacist.”

Facebook’s move to clean up its platform has been met with strong criticism from across the globe. Ven Jalbunmori, a Buddhist monk caught in the ban, has been channeling his frustration by meditating and listening to his NSBM collection.

“This is just as shortsighted as Facebook’s real name rule, which banned Native Americans for having ‘fake-sounding’ names, got a lot of snitches in witness protection killed, and made everyone learn the real names of their favorite punk musicians,” Jalbunmori said from his mountain hermitage. “I would be perfectly happy if we could all just go back to the glory days of Myspace, when we were all so naive as to what social media could actually be. I’m actually happier not having Facebook in my life.”

As of press time, many posers throughout the scene were left wondering why they weren’t purged as well.

Nintendo Leaks Worsen as Hackers Reveal Shigeru Miyamoto’s Entire DNA Sequence

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

KYOTO, Japan — After suffering a string of damaging data breaches and leaked trade secrets such as hardware specs and console operating system code, Nintendo announced today that hackers have gained access to famed game designer Shigeru Miyamoto’s entire DNA sequence.

“We’ve become aware that some individuals online have gained access to Mr. Miyamoto’s genetic code,” began the statement, denouncing the people responsible for exposing the unique DNA barcoding of the beloved Mario and Zelda creator. “Today we can regretfully confirm the validity of various photos posted online revealing exclusive, unannounced strings of nucleotides within Miyamoto’s double helix structure. We’ve already identified the people responsible for these leaks and have taken immediate legal action against them to remove any links on websites where the full sequence was previously available for download.”

The statement went on to explain that the extent of the leaks were particularly damaging because they would allow anyone with access to a genetic laboratory to make their own copies of Mr. Miyamoto without his permission.

“Nintendo will always protect its intellectual property, and that includes the genetic fingerprints of its employees,” the statement went on to say. “Everyone at Nintendo works hard every day to bring our games to market, and we know that our devoted fans have so much love for each and every one of them. We look forward to storing, preserving, and distributing the genetic code of Mr. Miyamoto and other classic Nintendo employees in ways that will surprise and delight our fans for years to come.”

At press time, sources had discovered several documents included in the leak indicating plans for the release of Satoru Iwata Mini by Christmas 2020.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Blizzard Announces Mobile BlizzCon Because Everyone Has a Cellphone

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

IRVINE, Calif. — The latest convention to close its doors due to ongoing COVID-19 concerns, Blizzard has announced that the annual BlizzCon will be streamed online because everyone has a cellphone.

“We wanted to make exciting changes to the con this year,” explained Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick. “We received very vocal feedback from fans at our 2018 convention about Diablo Mobile, and wanted to try to reach that level of fan engagement again. I can’t remember exactly what everyone was so mad about that year, but I know it had something to do with everybody having a cellphone. So hey, why not do the Con on those? I’m excited to see how much everyone loves the decision.”

Kotick insisted he could not give details on what the company would be announcing at the convention, but did offer a few insights into upcoming games.

“I can’t give everything away, but I think people are going to be really excited about our World of Warcraft mobile clicker,” Kotick said, “as well as finally getting to hear about the long-awaited Starcraft: Ghost, which has been renamed StarCraft: Ghost: Go! and let’s fans collect Zerg, Protoss, and Terran upgrades by walking around and clicking on locations in their neighborhood.”

At press time, Kotick also assured fans that Mobile BlizzCon will include hit events from the live convention, such as Zoom chats with World of Warcraft cosplayers and a surprisingly long wait time to use the bathroom.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



NYPD Sends Controller to Crime Lab After Officer Loses in Smash Bros

Posted on by Joe Klein

NEW YORK — The NYPD confirmed today that they have launched an official investigation into the controller purchased at a local GameStop by policeman Steve Brynkowski, after the off-duty officer suffered a particularly brutal loss in Smash Bros.

“We have our best forensic minds working day and night to prove what we already know in our hearts,” said NYPD Commissioner Dermot F. Shea in his statement to the press. “That this tragic blow to Officer Brynkowski’s GSP is the result of no less than a criminal conspiracy to tamper with the controllers of our beloved boys in blue and make them lose at video games.”

The Commissioner then welcomed Brynkowski himself to the podium to address the crowd of reporters.

“If the GameStop employee who tampered with my controller is listening, rest assured, you will be caught,” declared Brynkowski, his eyes clearly still haunted from what he experienced. “And if Smash Bros player ‘fluffybutt97’ is listening, you did not win fair and square. We have obtained a search warrant and will be sending a SWAT team to confiscate all Nintendo products from your home.”

When asked to respond to these allegations, a spokesperson for GameStop categorically denied them.

“There is no way any of our employees were involved in this,” said the spokesperson. “If you have ever been to a GameStop, you know that our workers are way too dead inside to engage in any act of rebellion, no matter how small.”

At press time, Brynkowski and his fellow officers were seen purchasing new controllers from Best Buy for a 7v1 battle against a CPU Mr. Game & Watch.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Target Promises Employees a Slightly More Bougie Version of Coronavirus Than Walmart Employees

Posted on by Stephen Bell

MINNEAPOLIS — Popular retailer Target sternly pledged to its employees today that any Coronavirus they are exposed to at their stores would be generally the same, but just a little more ‘bougie’ than anything they might be exposed to if they were Walmart employees.

“We hear our employees complaints about the lack of paid sick leave and access to gloves and masks, and we want to calm their fears,” said Target CEO Brian Cornell. “At Target, we pride ourselves on catering to the type of shopper who wouldn’t be caught dead at Walmart, despite not being that different financially or socially from your average Walmart shopper. Our employees can go into work confident that any viruses that infect them will be from an almost upper-crust type of person — the kind of person that’s above Great Value, but not quite Seventh Generation. The ‘Up & Up’ shopper, if you will.”

However, most Target employees were not receptive.

“I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that a virus is a virus no matter who it’s coming from,” stated Target cashier Jim Blevins. “You don’t know what it’s like to be in the middle of a shift when suddenly a clan of Karens swarms you with a cart full of Xhilaration leggings, and none of them are wearing masks in the name of ‘freedom’ or some shit.”

Likewise, not every Target customer was pleased with this characterization.

“Look, I’m not like some of those gutter people who come into Walmart just riddled with the disease pouring out of every orifice,” said frequent Target customer Becky Little. “Why some of those people have trouble social distancing is beyond me. I’ve been quarantined at my suburban home with the kids for the past month and we’ve been doing just fine, but now I need craft supplies… and I’ll be damned if some whiny Target employee gets in my way.”

At press time, Target did confirm that despite their differences, they would gladly team up with Walmart executives to crush any attempts by their employees to unionize.

I Wasn’t Born With It: I Earned My Narcissism

Posted on by Eric Navarro

I’m sick of hearing people talk about the amazing things I do and the incredible person I am and attributing it all to what I was born with. “Oooh were you born with a silver spoon in your mouth??” No fucknuts, it was gold. Were you born with my silver dick in your mouth? No. Because my dick is also gold (and you were born with it in your mouth).

Call me entitled? Sure. Am I arrogant? Absolutely. Do I think I’m better than everyone else? You’re goddamn right. But don’t you dare say I was born this way. I earned every ounce of my narcissism.

Do you think one gets as full of themselves as I am without putting in decades of hard work? While you and your pissant little family were working eight hours a day at the dipshit factory, I was putting on my suit and slaving 10, 12, sometimes even 16 hour days looking at myself in the mirror admiring my calves and ability to grow a beard. Remember that scene in American Psycho when the hero Patrick Bateman was fucking while looking at himself in the mirror? We should all be more like Patrick. Not sure how that movie ended though, I never finished it.

SIKE! That serial killer fucking rocks! Obviously, the killing wasn’t literal. It was a metaphor. A metaphor for stepping on lesser folks who aren’t as good as you and, sure, sometimes killing them. Don’t like it? Work harder.

Was I born with money and a company my dad runs that I will eventually take over? Fuck yeah. But was my father born with that too? No! His father was. I come from a very prestigious lineage of narcissists and it’s a lot to live up to.

I wasn’t born with this clinically dangerous level of self-confidence. It’s all earned, baby. Sometimes I do 10 minutes of actual work and spend the rest of the day complimenting myself. There are times, however, when I doubt myself or even feel like maybe I’m not as good as I say I am. Sometimes I think maybe this overindulgence of arrogance and constant stream of self-congratulation is me overcorrecting for the underlying truth that I’m just an average guy who was set up pretty well in life and at times I’m even blowing that.

Those are the times I have to fight the hardest to maintain my narcissism. Because unwarranted confidence is not something you earn and keep forever. You have to work your ass off to maintain it. Anyone can be a weekend warrior narcissist but the real pieces of shit like me give it everything they’ve got year round.

I’m kidding of course. There is no one else like me. I am one of a kind. Because I earned it.

Defunded Police Department Forced to Sell Off Nuclear Submarine

Posted on by James Knapp

KALISPELL, Mont. — The Kalispell Police Department was directed by city officials yesterday to sell its Seawolf-class nuclear attack submarine amidst nationwide protests to defund law enforcement, sorrowful sources confirmed.

“You really know the world is in a sad state when a bunch of antifa thugs and PC fascists can strong-arm hard-working, red-blooded citizens like myself out of our constitutional right to nuclear-powered police tactics,” said Kalispell Police Chief Doug Overman while tearfully folding an American flag. “My officers put their lives on the line every day, and this is the thanks they get? Without our beloved submarine ‘Ol’ Blasty,’ all we’ve got to keep this town safe are our six tanks, three Apache helicopters, a fleet of exploding jet skis, and that Bengal tiger we bought from the Nepalese government. I tell you, things in this town are gonna go straight to hell.”

City councilperson Michael Williamson explained the city’s decision to sell the department’s submarine.

“Look, I’m completely in favor of responsible policing, but with everything that’s been going on around the country, we really need to cover our asses,” said Williamson. “We only approved the submarine in the first place to show up those jerks in Missoula after they bought their police a giant steampunk tarantula, so selling the damn thing off just makes sense.”

Local activist Rebecca Ransel expressed support for the defunding of the Kalispell PD.

“The city never should have bought this stupid thing in the first place. We’re over 500 miles from the nearest ocean — no one is launching naval attacks against us!” Ransel stated. “I tried to bring this up at a city budget meeting like, three years ago, and they just ignored me, saying, ‘But what if the communists invade?’ It’s not like the cops even use the submarine anyway — all day it just sits in Flathead Lake, like a big fucking middle finger to my tax dollars.”

At press time, “Ol’ Blasty” was being scrapped for parts while Kalispell police performed a 21-gun salute in honor of their fallen comrade.

‘Abrams Cut’ of The Last Jedi Spends Extra 30 Minutes Revealing Who Every Porgs’ Dad Is

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

LOS ANGELES — Disney surprise announced a “JJ Abrams Cut” of Star Wars: The Last Jedi this morning which they say will add more depth to the original film by revealing the lineage of each individual porg.

Abrams created the extended five-hour edit after clamoring fans demanded to see what his complete vision of the trilogy would have looked like if Rian Johnson hadn’t directed Episode VIII. In addition to some alternate and extended takes of scenes and updated special effects sequences, the director also took the opportunity to insert 30 extra minutes of porg backstory into the film, which reveals each individual porg’s parents through a series of increasingly implausible twists.

“I love what Rian did with The Last Jedi, don’t get me wrong,” Abrams explained in a Reddit AMA about the cut. “I just felt like there was room to flesh out the characters more. I mean, we didn’t find out who any porg’s dad was. I asked myself, what if one of these porgs was Jabba the Hutt’s daughter? That would be so dramatic!”

Instead of shooting new footage, Abrams was able to update key moments of the film with special effects. In the new cut, the practical porg puppets have been replaced with CGI. The infamous “lightsaber toss” moment has also been digitally altered to show Rey throwing Luke’s lightsaber first.

Fans across the internet who had previously disowned The Last Jedi were elated by the news of the Abrams Cut’s release, which they say solves every single problem they had with the original film by making it twice as long.

“This is exactly what I have been asking for since The Last Jedi came out,” tweeted longtime Star Wars fan Larry Anderson. “Rian Johnson absolutely ruined Episode VIII with stupid bullshit. But JJ respects the canon enough to work every character I already like into the story without challenging the way I think about them. To me, that’s what Star Wars is all about.”

While the edit adds plenty of new footage, it also cuts out some moments too. Most notably, Rose Tico is missing from the film entirely. When asked why he decided to nix her scenes, a puzzled Abrams asked, “Who’s that?”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Progress: We Finally Have a Female Orson Scott Card

Posted on by Patrick Susmilch

EDINBURGH — Young adult fiction fans are rejoicing as the literature world finally has a female equivalent to Orson Scott Card now that J.K. Rowling’s recent series of anti-trans tweets and a 3,600 word essay have given them an opportunity to be disappointed by a female author’s hatred. 

“I’m used to seeing tears on a reader’s face when I explain that the author of Ender’s Game believes that homosexuality is caused by child abuse,” said librarian Jennifer Kinsley, “but it’s a huge step forward to have to explain to young fans that their favorite female author believes that only women menstruate and that trans women are secretly trying to molest them in gender-neutral bathrooms.”

The academic world is also excited by Rowling dethroning Card as the highest profile author to make known their polarizing views.

“What’s amazing is that not only has J.K. Rowling positioned herself as the female Orson Scott Card,” said comparative literature professor Nicole Mathews, “but she has also done so in a fraction of the time. It took Card decades to fully explain his deeply upsetting hatred and many more years to face backlash. Rowling is managing to accomplish this in a matter of weeks. That’s powerful. That’s progress.”

“And just like Orson Scott Card, Rowling included a ton of pro-trans symbolism in her books without realizing it,” Mathews added. “What was once Ender’s soapy naked bathroom fight with another boy is now the magical Sorting Hat that places you into a category when you are born into the school, forcing you to figure out your own place for yourself.

As of press time, Rowling announced that she was working on a book that is exactly the same as Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, but from Ron’s perspective.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: