The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Artist Not Accepting Furry Commissions Must Be Absolutely Loaded

Posted on July 1, 2020 by Aaron Weerasinghe

LOS ANGELES — Popular online artist Gabe Sell announced he is accepting commissions but specified he will not do furry art, leading many to speculate about his apparent aversion to making money.

“I don’t want to assume anything about his financial situation, but this guy’s probably loaded,” said colorist Cynthia Chan. “He must be doing commissions for fun or something because he’s actively turning down cash. Furry commissions aren’t the end of the world, but it’s a major privilege to not have to do them. He’s gotta come from oil money or some shit.”

Others in the artist community expressed similar sentiments about their peer’s inscrutable business decisions.

“It’s an open secret that the only way to actually make money doing art is to do furry art,” explained self-described “furry-adjacent” illustrator Gus Azad, whose muscular, anthropomorphic tiger pin-ups helped pay off his student debt. “It doesn’t really matter if you’re into it or not. One, two sexy werewolves on the beach or some NSFW of that wolf guy from Beastars, and boom! That could be three months’ rent.”

Reports indicate many of his Patreon subscribers are also perturbed by the implications of Sell’s commission post.

“I’m wondering if my money is better spent on independent artists who might need it more,” said Christian Alvarado, long time fan of Sell. “I love his work, but as someone who can’t draw a voluptuous fox to save their life, I’m a little tight on cash. Besides, he probably doesn’t need an extra source of income if he’s passing up on the fat stacks the furry community has to offer.”

While Sell was unavailable for comment, many speculate that he may be financing himself through other means as indicated by the tendency of his artwork to feature painstakingly rendered feet.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Young Link Shaken After Seeing What a Loser Virgin He Grows Up to Be

Posted on July 1, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

HYRULE — Feeling completely shaken after pulling the Master Sword from its pedestal, unlocking the path to the Sacred Realm and traveling seven years into the future, the Hero of Time, Link, reportedly traveled back to the past immediately after seeing what a loser virgin he grows up to be, sources confirmed.

“That was absolutely terrifying,” said Link, still reeling from traveling seven years forward and then immediately backwards to where he’d begun. “I mean, did you see how fucking lame I looked? I know I’m not the coolest 9-year-old around, but I expected I’d get my shit together at least a little bit by the time I’m a teenager. Like, what was up with my outfit? Why would I wear those weird white tights and matching white long-sleeved shirt under my tunic? There’s no way that’s the fashion trend seven years from now. And teenage me has the same exact haircut as I do now? I obviously group up to be a weird virgin incel and that sword is staying right on that pedestal until I figure out how to stop that from happening.”

“Also, do you mean to tell me I’m still trying to get with Princess Zelda seven years from now? Like, no one else comes along between now and then? I would’ve expected to have had at least two or three girlfriends by the time I’m 16, but it looks like grabbing the sword messed that up too. Oh, and also the whole kingdom turned into a weird hellscape, which was also bad. Seems like the best thing to do would be to stay here as a healthy, well-adjusted 9-year-old and just go about my business, make sure that that guy Ganondorf doesn’t seize power, and if I also happen to spend my free time losing my virginity at a normal time for a boy my age, well then that sounds like a win-win for everybody.”

At press time, Link was reflecting on the fact that perhaps his lack of skill with women could be attributed to the fact that he spends all of his time playing his ocarina in the forest and crying about his dead talking tree grandfather.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Entire Office Forgets to Wear Pants on First Day Back at Work

Posted on July 1, 2020 by James Knapp

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — After several months of working remotely, employees of Hard Radar Publishing returned to their office for the first time this week, only to realize that every single staff member failed to completely dress, thoroughly embarrassed sources confirmed.

“I was really excited when I first heard we’d be heading back to the office. Working from home was challenging, and I was looking forward to catching up with my co-workers… but it’s pretty hard to catch up with people when no one can make eye contact,” said office manager Wayne Platt, attempting to cover his pantslessness with a stack of unread manuscripts. “Normally, I’d be worried that this would lead to a ton of workplace misconduct complaints. But considering that the head of H.R. showed up today only wearing a pair of stained boxer-briefs, I think we’re all just gonna try to forget this ever happened.”

However, not all were put off, as mailroom clerk David Bonafare appeared mostly unphased by the staff’s collective bout of undress.

“Aw, man… I totally spaced on that whole ‘wear pants’ thing this morning. I guess this explains why everyone was avoiding me on the bus earlier,” said Bonafare during his 9:15 a.m. bourbon break, a habit he picked up in quarantine. “I guess I don’t feel that bad about it since everyone else forgot, too. And I gotta say, it’s kind of freeing to not wear business casual for once. I just wish some people here didn’t ‘go commando.’ That’s a bit troubling.”

Quarantine psychology expert Madeline Mader explained the connection between social isolation and near-perpetual nudity.

“It’s often common for individuals practicing proper social distancing to forgo normal societal mores, such as wearing clothing when speaking with Debra from accounting,” said Mader. “So it’s to be expected that when the public finally re-adjusts to society, certain decorum will inherently be forgotten. Historically, during the Spanish flu pandemic of 1918, many gentlemen returning to work at haberdasheries would often forget to properly press their bowler hats; this time around, it appears that people have just neglected to conceal their genitals. These things just happen in cycles.”

Hard Radar Publishing has since revised it’s dress code policy to include banana hammocks and Spongebob Squarepants boxer shorts on the list of unacceptable workplace attire.

Joe Biden Promises Action on Police Malarkey

Posted on July 1, 2020 by Andrew Murphy

WILMINGTON, Del. — Presumed Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden promised swift action during a digital town hall earlier today for cracking down on “police malarkey” in the wake of national protests.

“Look, most cops are good cops. I know a lot of cops. I know Doug — he used to live down the street from me when I was a kid, and he had a peach tree in his front yard and he’d give my family a basket every Thanksgiving. And Doug had a red truck, too — real big and fast. I once fought three guys just for looking at the truck funny,” said Biden. “But anyone who isn’t Doug needs to be held accountable. We can’t have riff-raff, no-goodniks, and other bad apples causing malarkey in the streets.”

Biden promised that if elected, he’d add strict guidelines preventing hooligans and wiseguys from becoming police officers, outlaw slapdash tomfoolery, and give officers who commit any pang-wangles “the bum’s rush out to the ashcan, buckaroo.”

“My son was shot 16 times while handcuffed in the back of a squad car, and the officer who shot him was drunk on the job and had a history of domestic abuse,” said Matilda Jarry, a local voter who supports police reform. “His disciplinary records had been hidden by the chief of police, and the police union actually advocated for this officer to get a raise. This is exactly why we need Joe Biden right now — he’ll put an end to this horse play right away.”

But Biden’s remarks have drawn criticism from some who want to see him do more.

“The police do not protect us. They protect all them uptown cats and their gizmos and whatsits,” said William Griggs of the Oakland Solidarity Action Front. “We can’t fix the police — we need to pop a hole in their bucket and take that moolah down to the schoolyard. It’s just that simple.”

President Trump weighed in as well, tweeting, “SLEEPY JOE is saying we should let criminals and goons make the laws and run in the streets. BAD IDEA! There are SOME bad apples, but nearly all the apples are good UNLESS they are hornswaggled by ANTIFA. RAZZAMATAZ!!!!!”

How to Tell If You Like Sonic Youth or Just Like Telling People You Like Sonic Youth

Posted on July 1, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Sonic Youth sure did influence some great bands that we all know and love. However, knowing whether you genuinely enjoy the band’s music or simply take pleasure in telling people you do to sound knowledgeable is often incredibly difficult to tell apart.

Separating the self from the ego simply cannot be done overnight. Luckily, we came up with a few pointed questions you can ask yourself in a pinch to help you come to the ultimate conclusion that you probably just like telling people you like Sonic Youth.

Have you ever listened to a full Sonic Youth album from start to finish?
Or have you simply previewed each song on “Daydream Nation” long enough to get the gist? If you’re cutting off each song around the 20-second mark, chances are you much prefer Sonic Youth as a concept and less as musicians.

Have you ever typed their name into Spotify?
Or have you far more often typed their name into Wikipedia to memorize a few trivia nuggets before involuntarily quizzing girls at parties? If reading about the band in order to gain a superior social status is more your thing then you might want to consider taking down that Sonic Youth poster in your bedroom.

Does seeing the “Goo” cover make you want to listen to the album right now?
Or does it rather make you want to sashay that “Goo” shirt you bought at Urban Outfitters before ultimately listening to Nirvana instead? If the appearance of liking certain music is far more important than actually experiencing it then it might be time to embrace your inner poser.

Can you name three Sonic Youth songs right now?
Or can you more easily name three times you’ve definitely impressed people in casual conversations with your ability to name experimental no-wave noise-rock bands that influenced potentially better bands? Don’t ask us how we know, but it’s definitely the latter case here.

By now you should be fairly confident in knowing that you simply prefer telling people you like Sonic Youth. On the off chance that you do in fact enjoy the music of Sonic Youth, consult a doctor immediately.

Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein Releases 90-Second Guitar MasterClass

Posted on July 1, 2020 by John Danek

SAN FRANCISCO — The popular, celebrity-driven tutorial platform MasterClass released a series today from Misfits’ guitarist Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein, containing all of his music knowledge in one, 90-second video.

“In my MasterClass, you’ll learn power chords on both the E string and the less commonly used A string,” said Wolfgang von Frankenstein. “And that’s pretty much it. If I have to play a solo, I just bend the shit out of a random note and tremolo pick it; if the music is really moving me, I’ll punch the strings a bunch of times and people go nuts.”

“MasterClass said my lesson wasn’t quite long enough, so we added a second chapter about giving yourself the perfect devilock,” he added. “But really, all you do is grow your hair long in the middle, goop a bunch of hair gel into your hands, and smear it all forward. Oops… I guess you just don’t need to pay for the class now.”

Guitar students worldwide jumped at the chance to learn from a guitar legend.

“The Misfits are the reason I picked up a guitar. I’ll never forget the feeling of, ‘That’s it?’ that I felt when I mastered ‘We Are 138’ on my first day,” said intermediate guitarist Sara Henle. “So I had to sign up for MasterClass to learn more from my idol. All things considered, I want my $90 back. He doesn’t even teach a song — he shows four power chords and says, ‘Just combine these in different orders, and that’s most Misfits songs.’ There was a bonus video where he just lifted weights for 45 minutes: no music, no talking, just the weights.”

MasterClass founder David Rogier celebrated his platform’s expansion into punk topics.

“I noticed that most of MasterClass’ topics were a bit highbrow and stuffy, and I thought, ‘Hey, we can be punk as frick, too,’” said Rogier, wearing a “Never Mind the Bollocks” shirt under a tweed wool blazer. “We had such a great reaction to our 45-second DEADMAU5 class where he taught people to make electronic music that we knew fans would react just as highly to this guitar lesson.”

MasterClass will reportedly expand their punk section to include classes with Henry Rollins on how to regulate your breathing so you can talk for 55 hours in a row, as well as one with NOFX’s Fat Mike on how to say wildly offensive things during on-stage banter that should get you canceled but somehow don’t.

30-Year Old Gamer Puts Fake Birthday Into Steam’s Age Verification Anyways

Posted on June 30, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

CHERRY HILL, N.J. — 30-year-old gamer Anna Gaskins reportedly entered a fake birthday into Steam’s age verification system, despite actually being old enough to pass the check with her real birth date, sources confirmed earlier today.

“I always used to put a random birthday in when I was trying to buy violent games as a kid,” explained Gaskins. “I guess I just never thought to stop when I turned 18. I could just put in my real birthday, but that just feels like cheating, you know?”

According to Steam data, Gaskins has been running her age falsification con for at least 20 years. Employees at Steam only started noticing that something was amiss when Gaskins got lazy and kept leaving January 1st as her birthday, only swapping the year between checks.

“We are shocked to learn that Ms. Gaskins has bypassed our system,” said Steam engineer Jonah Khan in disbelief. “We have no idea how she has managed to continually breach our state of the art age checking technology over the past 12 years. Clearly we’re dealing with some sort of criminal mastermind here.”

Steam plans on thwarting Gaskins’ con by reinforcing the security of its age checking system. They plan to add an “Are you over the age of 18?” question in addition to the birth date entry form as an extra layer of security.

“Look, it’s not that I don’t want to put in my real birthday,” Gaskins told Steam’s legal team, as she attempted to justify her actions. “It’s just that it takes so long to find my birth year in the form at this point. Like, I have to scroll all the way to the 1980’s and… oh God. I was born in THE ‘80’s? Oh no. Oh God, no. Where has my youth gone?”

Following a review of the case, Gaskins was let off with a warning. A follow-up email from Steam’s admin team urged her to show some integrity in the future and be more honest like her 116-year-old younger sister.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

NBC Pulls 143 Episodes of Show for Glorifying White Supremacist Gang Activity

Posted on June 30, 2020 by Aaron Weerasinghe

NEW YORK — Following the removal of episodes of 30 Rock, Community, and Scrubs episodes from streaming services for featuring characters in blackface, NBC Universal announced they are pulling 143 episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine for glorifying white supremacist gang activity.

“Our nation is at a critical turning point, and we have made the decision to remove several episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine that feature characters like Detective Jake Peralta gleefully participating in racist white supremacist violence,” said a spokesperson for NBC. “Going forward, the 143 episodes that we determined do not align with our commitment to anti-racism will no longer be available for streaming on the NBC App, Hulu, and Netflix, and they will not be aired as reruns.”

Brooklyn Nine-Nine showrunner and creator Dan Goor voiced his support for this decision, expressing regret he had even let the problematic episodes air.

“Brooklyn Nine-Nine is meant to be a fun, inclusive series that everyone can enjoy. The 143 episodes that portray characters with close ties to the KKK in a positive light are antithetical to the spirit of the show,” said Dan Goor, apologizing for the frequent appearance of white nationalist paraphernalia such as police uniforms and detective badges in the now-removed episodes. “No one needs to see members of the modern-day slave patrol rolling around on office chairs and pranking each other. I understand that now.”

“At the end of the day,” Goor added, “white supremacy is not ‘cool cool cool’ and it certainly isn’t ‘noice.’”

According to multiple reports, NBC is evaluating whether the removed episodes will return to online platforms after approximately 3,000 minutes of racist imagery are edited out.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Search for Perfect “The Office” GIF Response Enters Sixth Hour

Posted on June 30, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

DUNMORE, Pa. — Local man Cameron Waters is in his sixth consecutive hour of sifting through various GIFs from “The Office,” searching for the perfect response to a text message, sources who prefer the British version of “The Office” confirmed.

“I don’t even remember what we were talking about, but I was trying to cue up one of those classic ‘Jim looks to camera,’” Waters said while looking for a GIF to punctuate that very sentence. “Every option was either too small, or blurry, or had goofy fonts, or for some reason weird alt-right subtitles or something. I’ve now got 97 missed texts. I might have to give up soon.”

Potential GIF recipient, Waters’ girlfriend Laura Berk, is relieved by his fruitless search.

“We were talking about ‘Star Wars,’ and as soon as I mentioned liking ‘The Last Jedi,’ I saw those three dots with the magnifying glass pop up and knew he was looking for some ‘The Office’ GIF to imply my opinion is dumb,” she stated while deleting his past messages to free up space on her phone. “Literally everything I send him is met with a GIF… and they often don’t even make sense. I asked him what we should have for dinner, and he didn’t even send that Italian food quote, or Creed saying, ‘Somebody making soup?’ It was just Michael Scott from ‘The Office,’ saying, ‘The worst part of prison was the dementors.’”

Waters’ obsessive quest is nothing new, those close to him say.

“He got laid off last week, and simply texted his old boss a GIF of Michael Scott saying, ‘Should have burned this place down when I had the chance,’” confided Janet Waters, Cameron’s mother. “Yesterday I told him a relative passed away, and he didn’t even respond until the next day — I assumed he was grieving, but turns out he was just looking for a good GIF of Michael Scott saying, ‘There has been a murder.’”

At press time, Berk suggested she and Waters take some time apart, and Waters is now searching for just the right GIF from “The Office” dinner party episode to win her back.

“Yes, and don’t call me Shirley,” Waters responded via a Michael Scott GIF.

Woman Charged With Resisting Arrest for Fighting Off Rapist

Posted on June 30, 2020 by Lauren Lavín

SACRAMENTO — Local woman Lena Wright was charged with resisting arrest yesterday for fighting back against the armed, plainclothes rapist and city employee who attempted to arrest her, according to a statement by Wright.

“He wasn’t in uniform — I just thought he was a random drunk guy in a bar saying he’d arrest me for ‘being too hot,’” said Wright. “Then I recognized his face from this flyer some crust punks made to warn the community about him, so I left… and he followed me outside and said I was resisting arrest. He grabbed me, I kicked him in the sack, and now I’m getting charged with a fucking misdemeanor for doing a way better job protecting myself than any cop has.”

Wright’s attorney, Christina Fowler, was confident the charges would be dropped thanks to a bystander who came forward with cellphone footage of the event.

“To be clear, it will be a lengthy and distressing battle, but at least Ms. Wright posted bail right away,” said Ms. Fowler, adding that the police department claimed all 10 security cameras in the area were broken and that Wright “smelled guilty” to their patrol dogs. “Apparently there was enough money left over from a bail fund organized when this same rapist attacked protesters last week. I’m also confident if we sue, they’ll settle; that’s what the police department budget is mostly for… after grenade launchers and Punisher skull beer coozies, of course.”

Anthony Maher, Wright’s arresting rapist, said he was being unfairly vilified “just because I’m a white, straight, male Klansman who’s had 37 complaints made against me in the last year.”

“[Wright] is the one who broke the law, and made me fear for my life. I’m sick and tired of being judged by the actions of a few thousands of my brothers in blue,” said Maher. “A bunch of antifa losers tried to dox me, but things have calmed down since I took a photo of myself kneeling next to a black kid and giving him a thumbs-up.”

“When this is over,” he added, “I’m hoping to get reassigned somewhere people still respect, and can’t technically say no to, their police officers.”

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