“I Guess This is Growing Up,” Whispers 40-Year-Old After Buying Kashi Instead of Lucky Charms

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

POWAY, Calif. — Middle-aged man Jamie Lopez suddenly realized yesterday that he may be finally maturing after putting back a box of the sugary, marshmallow-filled cereal Lucky Charms in favor of the slightly less sugary cereal, Kashi.

“I find the best way to fuel up and tackle the day is with three heaping bowls of Lucky Charms, so I always buy a couple family-size boxes. But for some reason this week, I was drawn to the Kashi berry crisp,” said a middle-aged Lopez. “It was a really poignant moment. Maybe it’s time for me to hang up my skate shoes and start growing up. Don’t get me wrong, if Lucky Charms has like, a Marvel or Star Wars prize or whatever next week, I’m totally getting it. I mean, I’m only human. But it’s time I start taking my daily percentage of fiber seriously.”

16-year-old grocery store clerk Kali Reynolds recalled ringing up Lopez’s items.

“This old creep in a Hurley shirt came through my line asking me how much for his ‘grown-up cereal,’ and if I listened to Blink-182. When I told him my dad loves them but I’m not really into classic rock, he shut up,” said Reynolds. “As he walked out of the store he moved real slow, before wistfully pumping his fist in the air like he was in that ‘Breakfast Club’ movie my stepmom loves.”

Lopez’s mother Alison Buckner called her son’s version of growing up “primarily cereal-related.”

“Apparently, ‘growing up’ for Jamie only means eating slightly healthier cereal alarmingly late in life, and in no way involves reaching for emotional maturity or getting all his goddamn Funko Pop dolls out of my goddamn garage,” said Buckner. “And if I hear him mutter the riff to that stupid Blink-182 song again, I’ll kick his ass out to the street.”

Sources report Lopez was overheard singing, “Der, nah, ner, nah, ner, der, nah, ner, nah, ner, der, nah, ner, nah, ner, der, nah, ner, nah, ner,” under his breath for the next three days.

Mötley Crüe Still Thinks About Woman Who Flashed Them From Audience in 1989

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Every member of seminal hair metal band Mötley Crüe have, several times a year, thought back to an anonymous woman who exposed her breasts to them on the “Dr. Feelgood” World Tour in 1989, the band admitted in an interview recently.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” bassist Nikki Sixx reminisced. “November 25 — the MetroCentre in Rockford, Illinois. We were halfway through ‘Live Wire’ when I looked out into the crowd, and this woman on a dude’s shoulders lifted up her ‘Crüe Slut’ T-shirt. I mean, we’ve sold millions of records, toured the world, won Grammys… but for her to expose her womanhood to me as a symbol of her fanaticism, I’ve never seen anything like it. I barely made it through the rest of the song, and I don’t think I slept that night. It was just so wild.”

The woman, however, doesn’t seem to have given it a second thought.

“I mean, yeah, I’m pretty sure I flashed them. To be honest, I flashed a lot of bands in 1989,” the woman, who would like to remain anonymous because she is now a married mother of four, said. “Ratt, Poison, Skid Row on multiple occasions, Warrant… honestly, I’d flash you in the parking lot of the arena for a beer. These puppies got me into more concerts for free than I care to admit. But it’s adorable that the boys remember me.”

Drummer Tommy Lee’s ex-wife, actress Heather Locklear, also remembers the incident, but not nearly as fondly as her ex-husband.

“You can say that day was the beginning of the end of our marriage,” Locklear said. “Every crazy thing he did after that was chasing the rush of seeing that woman take off her top — the drinking, the drugs, the sex tape… all of it was just to feel that high again. For a while after he wouldn’t eat, he’d talk in his sleep about it, and even when we see one another to this day, I can tell he isn’t all there. A part of him is still on that stage, staring at those homewrecker titties.”

The anonymous woman admitted the band still reaches out when touring near Rockford, but she politely declines their invite.

Miracle of Birth Results in Accountant Named Gary

Posted on by James Webster

RACINE, Wis. — Local accountant and not-much-else Gary Wilkerson is alive despite astronomical odds to the contrary, according to sources who’ve already forgotten his name.

“Some models estimate a one in 400 trillion chance of being born,” said Jeanette Gregory, a genetic scientist at the University of Wisconsin. “And despite beating those odds and being here on planet Earth for a fleeting moment of light between two infinities, this unremarkable human ended up named Gary, and became an accountant at a car dealership in fucking Racine, Wisconsin. Great job, Gary. It’s literally more probable that you wouldn’t be that, but here you are.”

Wilkerson, who lives with his family in a reasonably sized house that’s a reasonable distance from work, had no complaints about his life for some reason.

“What could I possibly complain about?” said Wilkerson, “I’ve got a wife and two beautiful daughters. I even paid off the house last year. I own my car, I get a holiday bonus, my student debt is clear… there’s a lot of people who can’t say the same, and I’d bet that all of those people were born, too. It’s totally fine to fly way under the radar, folks. You only live once.”

Wilkerson’s mother Norma, who birthed a child who could’ve grown up to become anything, literally anything at all, is reportedly proud of her son’s decisions, which is just fucking mind blowing, really.

“I love my Gar-Bear,” said Norma. “He was always shy as a kid, so it’s nice to see him as the shining star that he is today… even if he is just barely taking advantage of the sentience bestowed upon him amid the random chaos that is our universe. I’ll admit that sometimes it’s fun to think about him having a fast-paced, exciting career like a sales rep, but I’m ultimately glad he went for something sensible. I’d worry about him getting hurt on the job!”

At press time, Wilkerson was attempting to keep things in perspective. “I suppose it could be worse,” he remarked. “I could’ve been some no-good punk, or a struggling comedian… or worst of all, a combination of the two.”

Opinion: Don’t Judge Me by My Tattoos, Judge Me by My Felony Convictions

Posted on by Tiana Miller

Being a true American badass means more than just having tattoos. When I was a kid, I knew I was a bad-boy. But did I go out and get “King of Forged Checks” inked across my stomach? Absolutely not. Did I go out and steal a few hundred identities? Oh, hell yes. I put my money where my mouth was. Or, more accurately, I put your money where my coke dealer was.

So don’t judge me by my tattoos. Save the judgment for when you, or an actual county judge, are personally affected by one of the many felonies I have committed.

I’m not trying to brag or anything but I’m about that felon life. I’m tired of celebrities like Pete Davidson or Machine Gun Kelly using tattoos to conjure up this half-assed American bad-boy image, making people think all you need to do to be a piece of shit is to get some tattoos and a access to your little brother’s ADHD medication.

Sure, the public has judged these people plenty, but I’m not impressed until you’re judged by a jury of your peers and every case on the day’s docket is yours.

Yes, my Jesus fish tattoo, this seashell, and my full back piece of the bassist and drummer from Nickelback have been judged. But I’ll have you know this Jesus fish represents the church I drowned, the seashell actually grants access to the temple on Epstein’s island, and, well, I’m not even gonna defend the Nickelback one. They’ve got the tightest rhythm section in butt-rock.

Don’t assume things about people with tattoos. Save your judgment for where it really matters: the deliberation room.

Tucker Carlson Defends Stage IV Colon Cancer

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Right-wing pundit Tucker Carlson drew immense criticism yet again this week over comments he made defending Stage IV colon cancer after it took the life of beloved actor Chadwick Boseman.

“Can we really be surprised that these colon cells took mitosis into their own hands? Those cells pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, despite being terrorized by aggressive treatments. We should respect that,” said an irate and unhinged Carlson on his Fox News broadcast last night. “This so-called malignant growth did what it did because of Hollywood’s failure to make movies accessible to myself and persons exactly like me. I hope everyone out there in La-La land who has spoken ill about President Trump sees this as a wake-up call.”

Coming fresh off the heels of remarks in which Carlson defended a 17-year-old gunman who murdered two protesters in Kenosha, Wis., calls for the conservative pundit to be removed from the air have reached a new height.

“Tucker Carlson is an exploitative, sub-human slimeball and would be a worthy recipient of violent mob justice,” said kindergarten teacher Violet Marsh after donating eight hours of her time at a kitten rehabilitation center. “Fuck him. If he ever set foot in my town, I swear on my mother’s life I would gut him like a fish and piss on his entrails. I’ll keep a sharp knife ready for him, but we all know he’s too much of a pussy to leave his posh estate.”

Many actors who worked alongside Boseman over the years joined the call to remove Carlson from television and existence altogether.

“I know Tucker makes his living by appealing to the lowest common denominator; his fans are even dumber than he is. If this Iron Man suit actually worked, he’d be a dead man,” said fellow actor Robert Downey, Jr. “But it doesn’t. I’ve tried many times. One day, as soon as I get my own palladium arc reactor, we will be in business.”

For his part, Carlson has expressed no remorse for his comments, defending them across all social media platforms.

“What I said was not hate speech and had nothing to do with race,” Carlson tweeted. “I just don’t see why Black Panther couldn’t have been a white Christian police officer.”

Dungeon Master Sneaks a Few Real Dice in With Those Sex Ones

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

PITTSBURGH — A recent attempt at invigorating the intimacy of Dana Boyer’s relationship with an avid role-playing fanatic ended horribly after her husband Stephen Barker reportedly snuck a few of “those weird Dungeons & Dragons” dice into his turn while they were using a pair of novelty foreplay dice.

“Things started off fine,” said Boyer. “I went first and had to kiss his thigh. It was awkward and we laughed, but I could tell it got him kind of hot. Too bad it all went to shit right after that though, because on his turn he reached into this weird goblin bag and pulled out a big handful of dice and was referencing rules I’ve never heard of before.” 

In addition to the two Loverz Dize brand novelty dice Boyer had handed him, Barker introduced a D20, several D8s, and a D4, as well as rolled out a battle grid map on the bed, along with several markers and tokens.

“He was supposed to nibble on my buttcheek, but told me to roll for initiative and I guess his was higher?” Boyer explained. “Then a dice [Sic] landed on a one, which he said meant he had ‘failed,’ and then he just threw himself off of the bed and landed right on his face. It was bad. Blood and teeth and just a huge mess. Once we got him all cleaned up I said we didn’t have to worry about the dice anymore, but he insisted that we finish the game and cracked open another 2 liter of soda. I probably should have seen this coming.”

Despite his injuries and his general misunderstanding of the intimacy exercise, the couple reportedly struggled with the expanded dice set well into the evening. 

“Ooh, a critical! Buckle up, babe,” a neighbor claims to have overheard late last night. “I’m gonna suck your fucking ear off!”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Review: Microsoft Flight Simulator Is So Realistic My Son Is Still Dead In It

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz



Microsoft Flight Simulator is a masterpiece in realism, from the perfectly tuned flying instruments to the fact that my son Trevor, who tragically passed away in 2017 from competing in the viral #EatGlueChallenge, is still dead in-game. Everything in this masterpiece simulation is exactly the way it is in real life.

When I was in the Air Force, I visited so many places that I thought I would never again see in my life, but being able to fly to those places virtually again felt so real. They really did look exactly like the places I visited myself so long ago… it was an emotional experience, to say the least.

Unfortunately, it was also an emotional experience to visit the incredibly realistic grave-site of my late son Trevor. It looked precisely the same as I left it, down to the flowers I left beside the gravestone just a few weeks ago. Why did you have to try to eat all that glue, Trevor? You cared so much about the sanctity of social media challenges. At least a monument to your life is forever preserved in Microsoft Flight Simulator; it was an honor to crash a Boeing 737 into it.

Flight is an affront to God’s laws. Every time we enter the cockpit of a plane, lifting off the Earth, we are laughing in the face of physics. It’s a beautiful thing to witness both in real life and also in Microsoft Flight Simulator. I just wish that Microsoft could have laughed off God’s rules once more, bringing my beloved son Trevor back as an in-game avatar. He’d wave at me from the roof of our home, a glue bottle in hand, as if to say “I’m not going to slurp down even an ounce of this.” 

Instead, every single meticulously handcrafted airport in the game is a testament to the dark reminder to the fact that Trevor never said that.

I give Microsoft Flight Simulator for Xbox and PC 10 out of 10 devastating stars. 

★★★★★★★★★★

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Girlfriend Promoted From Instagram Story to Instagram Post

Posted on by Dom Turek

WATERLOO, Iowa — A local couple’s relationship elevated to the next level yesterday after boyfriend Logan Carpenter featured a photo of his girlfriend Naima Alford in an Instagram post rather than his story, shocked sources confirm.

“I was totally caught off guard,” said Alford, admiring the recently posted photo of her and her beau holding hands in front of a P.F. Chang’s. “I’d almost come to accept we would just be one of those couples that never posted photos of each other, but look at us now — it’s been over 24 hours, and I’m still on his Instagram for all of his 152 followers to see. Sure, there’s no tag, and the caption just read, ‘I’m going to have to shit real bad in 25 minutes,’ but still, pretty sweet.”

Although Alford has posted many photos of her boyfriend on social media, even dedicating every #mancrushmonday to him for the past 46 weeks straight, her acts of commitment have not been reciprocated.

“I feel bad saying this, but she doesn’t really match my aesthetic,” said Carpenter of his feed largely consisting of remodeled cars, dead fish, and his dog, Butch. “She says if I have a special place for her in my heart, I should have a special place for her on my Instagram, so I just gave in. I only hope our relationship can withstand this kind of high-profile stuff.”

Social media experts weighed in on Carpenter’s feature of the woman he’s seen exclusively for nearly an entire year.

“Younger couples tend to shy away from all things permanent — hence frequent use of the feature that automatically deletes a photo after 24 hours — unlike posts, which stay up permanently, or until it’s deleted by the user for not receiving enough likes,” said Millennial relationship expert Tessa Rhodes. “Next to taking ketamine or raising a succulent together, posting an Instagram photo of your partner on your actual feed is one of the biggest decisions facing young couples today.”

At press time, Carpenter had deleted the Instagram photo of Alford after they got into a minor argument over what to eat for dinner, claiming he felt “trapped.”

Bruce Wayne Gives Up Being Batman After Three Therapy Sessions

Posted on by Matt Wassung

GOTHAM CITY — Billionaire Bruce Wayne, who recently revealed himself to be the masked vigilante known as Batman, has stepped away from his crusade for justice after attending just three therapy sessions.

“Believe it or not, wearing pointy bat ears, hopping across rooftops, and punching drug addicts is not the best way to deal with trauma. And it only took me a couple hours of talking out my feelings and a sertraline prescription to figure that out,” Wayne said while gathering four dozen canisters of “Bat” shark repellent and placing them into storage bins with the help of his butler Alfred Pennyworth. “I know I vowed to avenge my parents by dedicating my life to warring on all criminals, but I learned I need to start living for me — they may be dead, but I’m not yet. I mean, there is a universe where I died, my father became Batman, and my mother became the Joker, but that wasn’t this universe.”

Some members of the Gotham City police force are glad to see the Dark Knight gone.

“I ain’t gonna miss that stinkin’ bat freak,” said a wheezing Detective Harvey Bullock struggling to get out of his police cruiser. “I never understood the guy’s deal: why go to all the trouble of putting on a mask, just so you can get away with beating the piss out of petty criminals? He coulda joined the police force if that’s what he wants to do — us cops are constantly assaulting people, and we’re never held accountable. I guess he didn’t want to pay union dues or something.”

Conversely, some criminals from Batman’s rogues gallery were supportive of Wayne’s decision.

“Look, we don’t agree on many things,” said Dr. Jonathan Crane, known in Gotham as the supervillain The Scarecrow. “However, I am a clinical psychiatrist first and a deranged lunatic second, and I’m just glad he is getting the help he needs. Maybe my many fear gas attacks over the years is the thing that forced Mr. Wayne to confront his demons and get help. I can’t say for sure, but hey, a guy can dream.”

Wayne was later seen unpacking a new Lionel train set he intends to build in the recently decluttered Batcave.

Dad in Hurley Hat’s “Birds and Bees” Talk Mostly Covers How Many in Pink, Stink

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

IRVINE, Calif. — Local dad and man who frequently wears his sunglasses on the back of his head Jared Stein spent the majority of a “Birds and Bees” talk yesterday informing his son how many fingers go in the pink and the stink, respectively.

“There’s a lot of bullshit out there when it comes to pounding poon, so I wanted to make sure my son Jaxon knew the common sex myths, like the g-spot, the clitoris, and foreplay,” said Stein. “My big closer was showing him the shocker, because honestly, it’s all you need to be a major league fuck machine. But I couldn’t remember how many went in the pink versus the stink. I tried a bunch of hand gestures hoping it would come back to me, and eventually, we settled on two in the bung for every three in the cooch.”

“In hindsight, maybe ripping fat tubes before having the sex chat with my young, impressionable son was a bad idea,” Stein added.

Stein’s ex-girlfriend and Jaxon’s mother Crystal Snider immediately recognized “Jared’s handprints” all over the god-awful sex advice.

“I overheard my son telling his friend that condoms actually cause more pregnancies than they prevent, and I knew immediately [Stein] had something to do with it,” said Snider. “Based on all the bullshit Jaxon was spouting, so much about my and Jared’s former sex life makes so much more sense now — he was always fumbling, prodding, or jackhammering. I swear, I’ve had pap smears that were more sensual.”

Unfortunately, Jaxon shared his newly acquired “knowledge” with his class, where it spread like wildfire and was noticed immediately by faculty.

“I saw students using lewd hand gestures, and I was able to trace it back to Jaxon and his father pretty quickly. The fact that a grown man believed all this and was still able to reproduce is genuinely shocking,” said sexual education teacher Moira Sutherland. “There’s so much misinformation now that it would take years to re-educate these kids. The only reasonable thing to do is switch to an abstience-only sex ed program and try our best to prevent these students from ever having intercourse.”

For extra study, Stein further instructed his son to listen to Buckcherry albums on repeat until he “gets sex.” “It’s the same way I learned,” Stein said.