IRVINE, Calif. — Local dad and man who frequently wears his sunglasses on the back of his head Jared Stein spent the majority of a “Birds and Bees” talk yesterday informing his son how many fingers go in the pink and the stink, respectively.
“There’s a lot of bullshit out there when it comes to pounding poon, so I wanted to make sure my son Jaxon knew the common sex myths, like the g-spot, the clitoris, and foreplay,” said Stein. “My big closer was showing him the shocker, because honestly, it’s all you need to be a major league fuck machine. But I couldn’t remember how many went in the pink versus the stink. I tried a bunch of hand gestures hoping it would come back to me, and eventually, we settled on two in the bung for every three in the cooch.”
“In hindsight, maybe ripping fat tubes before having the sex chat with my young, impressionable son was a bad idea,” Stein added.
Stein’s ex-girlfriend and Jaxon’s mother Crystal Snider immediately recognized “Jared’s handprints” all over the god-awful sex advice.
“I overheard my son telling his friend that condoms actually cause more pregnancies than they prevent, and I knew immediately [Stein] had something to do with it,” said Snider. “Based on all the bullshit Jaxon was spouting, so much about my and Jared’s former sex life makes so much more sense now — he was always fumbling, prodding, or jackhammering. I swear, I’ve had pap smears that were more sensual.”
Unfortunately, Jaxon shared his newly acquired “knowledge” with his class, where it spread like wildfire and was noticed immediately by faculty.
“I saw students using lewd hand gestures, and I was able to trace it back to Jaxon and his father pretty quickly. The fact that a grown man believed all this and was still able to reproduce is genuinely shocking,” said sexual education teacher Moira Sutherland. “There’s so much misinformation now that it would take years to re-educate these kids. The only reasonable thing to do is switch to an abstience-only sex ed program and try our best to prevent these students from ever having intercourse.”
For extra study, Stein further instructed his son to listen to Buckcherry albums on repeat until he “gets sex.” “It’s the same way I learned,” Stein said.