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“I Guess This is Growing Up,” Whispers 40-Year-Old After Buying Kashi Instead of Lucky Charms

POWAY, Calif. — Middle-aged man Jamie Lopez suddenly realized yesterday that he may be finally maturing after putting back a box of the sugary, marshmallow-filled cereal Lucky Charms in favor of the slightly less sugary cereal, Kashi.

“I find the best way to fuel up and tackle the day is with three heaping bowls of Lucky Charms, so I always buy a couple family-size boxes. But for some reason this week, I was drawn to the Kashi berry crisp,” said a middle-aged Lopez. “It was a really poignant moment. Maybe it’s time for me to hang up my skate shoes and start growing up. Don’t get me wrong, if Lucky Charms has like, a Marvel or Star Wars prize or whatever next week, I’m totally getting it. I mean, I’m only human. But it’s time I start taking my daily percentage of fiber seriously.”

16-year-old grocery store clerk Kali Reynolds recalled ringing up Lopez’s items.

“This old creep in a Hurley shirt came through my line asking me how much for his ‘grown-up cereal,’ and if I listened to Blink-182. When I told him my dad loves them but I’m not really into classic rock, he shut up,” said Reynolds. “As he walked out of the store he moved real slow, before wistfully pumping his fist in the air like he was in that ‘Breakfast Club’ movie my stepmom loves.”

Lopez’s mother Alison Buckner called her son’s version of growing up “primarily cereal-related.”

 

“Apparently, ‘growing up’ for Jamie only means eating slightly healthier cereal alarmingly late in life, and in no way involves reaching for emotional maturity or getting all his goddamn Funko Pop dolls out of my goddamn garage,” said Buckner. “And if I hear him mutter the riff to that stupid Blink-182 song again, I’ll kick his ass out to the street.”

Sources report Lopez was overheard singing, “Der, nah, ner, nah, ner, der, nah, ner, nah, ner, der, nah, ner, nah, ner, der, nah, ner, nah, ner,” under his breath for the next three days.

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