We Ranked Every Punk Song Ever but Our Spreadsheet Won’t Open

Posted on by Jon Wood

Six years ago, we took up the ambitious project of ranking every punk song ever recorded: a colossal catalog spanning five decades and over a million tracks deep. The countless hours and sleepless nights surely took their toll, but they were worth it as we were able to compile the most complete, definitive analysis of any genre in music history. An inspiring canon, certain to shape punk discourse for years to come. Just as soon as we can get this Google spreadsheet to open.

Sorry, hold on. It’ll open up any minute. Shit, maybe we need to update? Yeah, that’s it. While we download the update, imagine for a minute the faceted complexity of a rubric that aspires to standardize the merits of an entire genre and that has sustained a culture and evolved over generations. Ok, now hang on to that thought, our browser timed out and it’ll take our computer a few more minutes to restart.

There were the naysayers who assured us this was a fool’s errand. They said it would be impossible to find every punk record in existence, let alone the time to listen to each song and rank them based on an elusive unified theory. Little did we know there were also limitations to the number of rows you can load in a Google sheet without having to enable offline mode, which apparently doesn’t like when you have separate logins for your work and personal stuff.

Until now, Pitchfork has been the gold standard for unpacking the sonic and socio-political nuances of alternative music. Unfortunately, their brand of pretentious, tastemaker snark too often ignores the diversity that exists within punk, which we expect to remedy if we can ever open this goddamn piece of shit spreadsheet. Seriously, how is it that Google can show me everything that’s ever existed on the Internet except for this stupid fucking list?!

Okay, here it is! Phew. Let’s jump right in! The first song on the list is… “Break Stuff?” Ohh right, haha. We got high and ranked all the Nu-Metal songs instead. Nevermind, we’ll just delete this spreadsheet, it’s useless.

Mike Patton Admits He Doesn’t Really Get the Appeal of Faith No More

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SAN FRANCISCO — Music aficionado and frontman for alternative metal band Faith No More, Mike Patton, admitted today that he just doesn’t understand why so many people like his band.

“I’ve tried to listen to ‘Angel Dust’ which, according to AllMusic, is our most popular album. I tried, I really did,” Patton said. “And apart from ‘Midlife Crisis,’ it was all this weird, bass-heavy rap-rock I just couldn’t get into — it sounded like Red Hot Chili Peppers B-sides. I don’t get what our fans see in us. My friends who made me mix-tapes insisted I was listening to the wrong tracks, but it just doesn’t work for me.”

Faith No More founding member Billy Gould was taken aback by the news.

“That dude’s been in the band for 30 years. Why the fuck didn’t he say something sooner?” said Gould. “I mean, I get it — Mike has other musical endeavors, and we’re not for everyone, but come on. If he thinks Mr. Bungle is better, I’m going to fucking lose my mind. Maybe if he put a little more effort in the songwriting when we were in the studio he might actually get what we were going for.”

“Screw it, I’m kicking him out,” Gould added. “Courtney Love is back in. Everyone loves her.”

Self-described Faith No More superfan Paul Gutfeld also stood up for the band.

“Faith No More is the greatest band in the universe,” Gutfeld said on his show “Pod for Breakfast.” “I bet he just listened to ‘Epic’ and called it a day. You have to listen to their albums from start to finish to really understand what they’re trying to do. [Patton] clearly doesn’t have good taste in music. I mean, have you heard that one Dillinger Escape Plan EP? Probably not, and I don’t think anyone has since it was released. That shit is weird as fuck.”

When asked about his other allegedly successful act Peeping Tom, Patton said, “Don’t even get me started.”

Local Police Forced to Stop Supernatural Evil Plaguing Town After Neighborhood Kids Fail

Posted on by Aaron Weerasinghe

PAXTON, Mass. — The failure of a precocious gang of tween misfits to vanquish a cosmic evil known as Hy’groth and their resulting slaughter has forced the Paxton Police Department to take matters into their own hands and mobilize against the supernatural threat plaguing their town, a group panicked onlookers confirmed.

“Fuckin’ useless kids. They were making such a big goddamn deal about eldritch abominations, dimensional rifts, and all kinds of nerd shit, only to get themselves killed before doing anything about it,” said police chief Calvin Griffiths. “Shit, speaking of, we still have to call in crime scene cleanup to pick up what’s left of them. Those guys really creep me out.”

Sources confirmed that the Paxton PD was aware of the impending danger but decided not to act.

“Yeah, we knew something was going on, but Jesus Christ, did you see what that interdimensional thing did to those poor kids? There’s no way we wanted to get involved if we didn’t have to,” said Detective Joan Stefford. “Those kids seemed dead-set on investigating things themselves. We just figured they’d probably take care of it before we needed to get involved.”

“How the heck are a buncha kids gonna fight a Cthulhu?!” she added.

While citizens were quick to criticize the police force for allowing local children to put themselves in mortal danger, Paxton PD maintains they made the best decision based on the information at hand.

“The Hopkins boy from Pine Street was leading the crew, and I mean, the kid was like some sort of child prodigy. How were we supposed to know he’d fuck it all up?” explained Detective Stefford. “Seriously, everyone at the station really thought he and the new girl would make it. It’s a damn shame. Maybe my son would have stopped bullying them if they’d succeeded.”

At press time, Detective Stefford was reportedly “exploring other options” after unloading her service weapon into the shambling abomination failed to stop it from eviscerating a lonely, sheltered teenager with budding telekinetic powers.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Massive Data Breach Reveals Unused Character Model for Niles Crane in ‘Cheers’ Source Code

Posted on by Jake Menez

BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Fans of the classic NBC sitcom Cheers rejoiced today as a massive data breach revealed that long-gestating rumors regarding a secret character hidden within the series turned out to be true. 

“I remember reading on message boards back in ‘96 that Niles was originally meant to be in Cheers, but got cut from the final release at the last minute,” said well-known sitcom speedrunner FoolHouse. “There were all these little hints people kept pointing to that showed he was meant to be a part of it. In some scenes set in Sam Malone’s office, you can supposedly make out a note on his desk that reads ‘N is Real 2401.’ I dunno. I guess I just never thought it was true until now.”

The files in question were part of a massive data breach at NBC Studios that revealed decades worth of top-secret development information, including a scrapped Seinfeld MMORPG and a beta version of Quantum Leap with drastically different art direction. The authenticity of the uploaded documents was doubted by many until James Burrows, co-creator of Cheers, tweeted what appeared to be a confirmation of the authenticity. 

“I haven’t seen this stuff in decades!” he said in a post alongside a picture of Nile Crane’s character model and some rough audio of Frasier offering his brother a glass of sherry. “When we introduced Frasier in the third season, we were going to give him a brother at first. He was going to just be a palette swap of Frasier that was a bit thinner and could jump higher. Sadly, when it came time to produce the show in front of a live studio audience, we just couldn’t get to everything we wanted, and we scrapped the Niles stuff and hoped we would just get to it another day.”

Dr. Niles Crane eventually did come to television in 1993 as a principal character in his brother’s titular spinoff, where he became a favorite among audiences.  At press time, debates were raging across the internet over whether or not the Norm Peterson character model was simply a reskinned Jackie Gleason from The Honeymooners.  

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

I Started Smoking Because I Thought It Made Me Look Cool, Which Is True and Why I Still Smoke

Posted on by E.M. Caris

When I was an impressionable youth, I was corrupted by cigarettes. At the tender age of 16, smoking ads were everywhere, displaying cool people wearing cool clothes doing cool things. I took my first puff, looked at myself in the mirror, and immediately regretted not starting sooner. Holy fuck, I looked so cool with a cigarette in my hand. To be honest, I still do and it’s a big part of why I smoke to this day.

Cigarettes cause cancer. But you know what else causes cancer? Everything! The sun, the air when people are smoking cigarettes, everything! You know what else smoking causes? Terminal coolness. I am so cool I could die at any moment. I breathe so slowly you’d think I’d already died and gone to Flavor Country. I barely take a breath that you can’t see.

I smoke wherever I can. On airplanes. In parks. Anywhere mothers should be allowed to breastfeed, really. And you would be surprised how many admiring looks my cool behavior gets. At shows, my move is to lean against the wall with one foot and pull a cigarette from my leather jacket. I can practically hear the whispers, “Is that guy the Fonz?” and “What year does he think it is that he can just smoke in here?”

My family and all the doctors try to stop me from looking so cool. My mother told me it will kill me. I told her only nerds grow old and asked her to name a single person over the age of 70 who’s cool. She replied that she’s 71. I just stared her in the eyes and cooly said, “exactly.” I would have dramatically put on sunglasses to emphasize my point but I was already wearing two pairs.

The doctor told me I’ve already done significant damage to my vocal cords. He warned I may need a laryngectomy, which did slightly worry me since it doesn’t sound very cool. I asked him what that meant, though, and he told me I would have to talk through an electronic voice box. I replied by doing the robot until the anesthesia took effect.

In fact, after that doctor visit, I smoke even more now. It’s so cool sounding like a Kraftwerk song all the time.

Relationship With Communist Girlfriend Totally Works in Theory

Posted on by Stephen Bell

TOLEDO, Ohio — Local man Joseph Whitt described moments ago his relationship with hardcore tankie and politically communist girlfriend Stephanie Arlin as being “totally workable in theory,” confirmed sources who see the relationship as failing in practice.

“Hypothetically speaking, my relationship with Stephanie is going to bring me a joyful and fulfilling life,” said Whitt. “Sure, some people say she’s controlling, and it’s true I haven’t talked to some of my friends for a while, and she insists that all of our social media accounts be shared, but it’s all for my own good. What convinced me was reading all about why she’s the best partner possible in a handwritten manifesto she penned about our relationship.”

Arlin claimed her actions are necessary to defend their “revolutionary” form of love against detractors.

“The fact of the matter is, before I came around, Joseph was in a relationship with a woman who saddled him with emotional debt, refused to provide him healthcare, and controlled 99% of their spending. Exploitation much?” said Arlin dialectically. “If anything, I liberated him, and he should be happy! Now, sure, I may have bugged all of his electronic devices, banned him from gathering with any relationship dissidents, and made a pact with my friends to spy on him… but if I didn’t, he might start believing in crazy theories like monogamy.”

Relationship expert Bernice Flanders weighed in on what they view as a series of flaws to be addressed.

“Good relationships are based on the understanding that what they have is a partnership: two people vote on their decisions in a democratic fashion, which I view as the best way for them to socialize,” said Flanders. “While I agree with Stephanie’s critiques of Joseph’s previous girlfriends and applaud some of her changes, the loss of Joseph’s personal freedoms and Stephanie’s controlling behavior will likely lead to the collapse of their union.”

Arlin is currently building a wall through the middle of their apartment to “protect” Whitt from outsiders looking to corrupt their relationship.

The Next Hunter S. Thompson? I Drank Two Beers on Benadryl and Ruined My Son’s Birthday Party

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Am I the future of Gonzo journalism? I sure hope so, because my behavior today endangered my marriage, traumatized my son, and may result in legal action from a Minion impersonator.

In retrospect, my son Mason’s 5th birthday probably wasn’t the best time for me to channel my inner Hunter S. Thompson and go on a degenerate, drug-fueled odyssey. I guess I should’ve known not to mix booze with the hard stuff. Yet that’s exactly what I did when I took a Benadryl for my seasonal allergies and chased it with two Michelob Ultras.

I was standing near the inflatable bouncy castle when the unholy combination took hold. My palms began to sweat, my knees went weak, and my tongue flopped around in my mouth. I was extremely drowsy, yet somehow dangerously manic and unhinged. Also, a little bit of pee was coming out, but I was no longer congested.

It was right as Mason’s friend Harper came over and asked if there would be cupcakes when, seized by an unknowable force, I ripped off my shirt and screamed, “Stand back! I AM BECOME DEATH: THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!”

Instantly, the eyes of 15 alarmed children were upon me. Thinking fast, I asked myself, “How would counterculture legend and trailblazing journalist Hunter S. Thompson handle a bad trip like this?” Attempting to salvage the situation, I immediately vomited on myself and fell face-first into the PAW Patrol birthday cake.

After I was rescued from frosting-induced suffocation by Jayden’s au pair, my wife toweled me off and gave me a black coffee and a stern talking to. I attempted to right the ship, but my very senses rebelled against me. “Why does this Kool-Aid taste like the blood of Christ?” I wondered aloud. “When did Raffi record a cover of ‘War Ensemble’? And who invited the Zodiac Killer?”

After a few rounds of Pin the Tail on the Invisible Demon, everyone asked if they could call their parents and go home. Honestly, I feel pretty lousy about the whole thing. How can I ever make this up to Mason? Well, there’s nothing a good bedtime story can’t fix. You’re going to love “Fear and Loathing,” lil’ buddy! First, let me just settle my nerves by washing down this Ambien with a few glasses of wine.

Record Store Will Deliver Crate of Vinyl to Your Home, Let You Flip Through It and Then Not Buy Anything

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Local record store Forever Records is offering a new home delivery service, in which a crate of personally selected vinyl is sent to your home for you to peruse, comment on, and ultimately not buy, store management confirmed.

“Coronavirus really hit us hard, and we kept hearing about how much people miss loitering in our store. We’re doing our best to help recreate that experience,” Forever Records owner Alyssa Long said. “So, now we’re asking customers to fill out a brief survey about their musical preferences, and a personalized selection of records will be sent to your front door so you can aimlessly wander around your home pretending you’re going to buy them, and then just put them away in the wrong order.”

“We’re not charging anything for this experience,” Long added. “We didn’t make any money before the pandemic. Why should that change?”

Music fans are applauding this new service.

“It’s fantastic. I pull up my friends on Zoom, and then flip through the crate commenting and judging every album,” supposed vinyl collector Timmy Ruiz said. “And you can have genre specific records sent, too. I have no interest in jazz or world music, but that doesn’t stop me from forcing my friends to listen to inaccurate anecdotes I gleaned from Ken Burns before I leave the crate in the sun all day for the store to come pick up. They also have clerks available 24/7, so you can have them on the phone while you ask, ‘Is this a first pressing?’ as if that actually matters to you.”

Music experts feel that Forever Records is providing a necessary service in the digital age.

“Customers want physical media — they want to get their grubby, oily hands all over the product and pretend like they want to buy it,” said Doyle Glover, Ph.D. and professor of music theory at Lakeland University. “They want to force you to let them sample the record on the store’s turntable before leaving it in the DVD section for you to put away later. It’s all part of the experience of music.”

For her part, Long added that she hopes to find a way to appraise used records digitally and be screamed at for her low offer on a scratched Fleetwood Mac album.

Amateur Boxer TKO’s Heavyweight Champion After Multiple Jabs to His Great Big Belly

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

LAS VEGAS — Amateur boxer Mackenzie Smalls is making waves after knocking out heavyweight champion Kingsly Ippolito with a flurry of punches to his big fat belly.

“I was trying to aim right for the jaw, but it just wasn’t working,” Mackenzie said, following the surprise victory. “But then, I noticed that his tummy was hanging out over his shorts. Just sitting out there like a big, round punching bag. There were even a few pieces of tape that sort of made an “X.” So I thought, ‘What the heck,’ and pelted that sucker with a few left hooks. He fell like a sack of shit after that.”

The surprising match occurred when Smalls, a featherweight who had just started boxing professionally, challenged the 315 pound Ippolito. The unprecedented matchup began as many expected, as Ippolito began the fight clobbering Smalls with a series of devastating blows. On a few occasions, Smalls went down, seemingly knocked out, but miraculously got back up at the count of nine.

“I don’t understand what the hell happened out there,” an enraged Ippolito told reporters backstage. “This pipsqueak should have been dead. I fractured his skull. I caved his ribcage in. And you’re telling me this guy gets back up, jabs me in my prize gut, and puts me to sleep? What are his gloves made out of, zinc?”

Since besting Ippolito, Smalls has defeated a whole host of heavyweight icons. Analysts are baffled by his breakout success and his unparalleled commitment to strategy. Smalls seems to debut a new tactile approach every match, sticking to one pattern throughout each bout, to incredible results thus far into his short career. 

“I wish I could take credit for this boy’s natural talent,” said Small’s coach Louis Bickle. “If I’m being honest, I don’t think I really contribute much to his training. I mostly just stand in his corner and just yell obvious tips or ask him what his favorite food is. Mine’s chocolate, ha ha!”

Smalls’ rise to stardom will culminate this weekend in a dream match vs. the legendary Mike Tyson.

UPDATE: Mike Tyson will no longer compete at the event. Promoters have insisted that the last-minute replacement will be comparable to Tyson in almost every way.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

 

Gamer Presents Detailed Plan to Fix Vastly Successful Game

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

CARY, N.C. — A disgruntled but loyal Fortnite player has offered an unsolicited 14-point plan to completely fix the most popular video game of the last several years. 

“It’s not too late to save Fortnite,” said Tony Knapp of the Epic Games Battle Royale shooter, which grossed an estimated 1.8 billion dollars last year. “They just need to rebalance some of the guns, clean up the servers, tweak the map, make less female avatars, redo the currency system, feature less pop culture avatars, and generally just check in with me once in a while and see where I’m at with Fortnite on any given day. It sucks because the game I play for six hours a day could be so good if they just changed a few things!”

The unprompted feedback, outlined over a series of posts in reply to a news article about the teaser trailer for The Batman, prompted an almost immediate response from Epic Games. 

“This is just such valuable feedback,” said Tim Sweeney, CEO and co-owner of Epic Games. “We spend a lot of time testing and brainstorming and trying to make Fortnite better, but this on the ground reporting from an actual player is an absolute treasure. Rest assured, we are scaling back some of the weapons Tony didn’t like and wiping the parts of the map he always gets killed in entirely. Once we incorporate all of Tony’s changes, we think Fortnite is about to have its best season yet.”

“At least for Tony,” he added.

Tony’s mother expressed concern about the gaming industry caving into his demands. 

“Oh gosh, you’re going to create quite a monster,” said Tony’s mother. “You give that boy an inch, and he’ll take a yard. Last year I promised him his birthday cake could be exclusive to him and that made him so happy. Then he didn’t finish it and when I let his sister have some instead of throwing it away, he freaked out and told me I was a liar and a tyrant. My son is weird, man.” 

As of press time, Tony had uploaded a three part YouTube video detailing everything CD Projekt RED needs to do to get people interested in Cyberpunk 2077.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: