The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

In the history of the internet, comments have had a great deal of bad press. Comment sections in the past have enabled people to spout any nonsense they want, or pollute the entire space with declarations of ‘first!’ Yet, a closed comment section is the sign of an insecure creator who cannot handle the voices of the people.

That’s why for this week’s article, we aren’t just highlighting the funniest comments, we’re starting off by showing how our readers help us:

5. Review: Battletoads Is Another Perfect Game for the Pandemic Like the Last 10 Games We’ve Played

Did you notice that this headline has the typo “tor” in it? Because everyone on Twitter sure did.

With just one tweet, Hard Drive’s editorial team grew three sizes that day. Thank you to everyone who commented and used the power of collective, constructive shame to make us even better. Like most gamers, we mash through dialogue in games, so spelling is not our strong suit. That changes today though, because from hereon it will be mandatory for all Hard Drive staff to 100% Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. 

This is what holding journalists accountable looks like.

4. Novelty Zelda Wallet Only Holds a Maximum of $99

Make sure to get a wallet chain for this one folks, you don’t want someone to run off with all of your savings. Don’t forget some fingerless gloves, so it looks extra cool when you buy cuties drinks from a vending machine at your community college. If you want to fully dedicate yourself, you should get a triforce tattoo as well—not a big one of course, you are still going to need some cash to top off the gas in your mom’s Kia Soul.

3. New Podcast ‘My Least Favorite Murder’ Discusses Death of Host’s Wife

“Just enter the coupon code ‘mywife’ to get this special offer! Haha ‘my wife’ like Borat… and, of course, my wife, the subject of this podcast — may God rest her soul. Anyway, Audible dot com. I have a lot of ‘me’ time lately, as you can imagine, and putting on an audiobook is the perfect way to pretend I’m not laying in bed alone. It’s an almost perfect service; I just wish I could sort voices by gender… Again, that’s coupon code ‘mywife’… that way I never forget it.”

2. Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War Lobby Just Two Opposing Teams Threatening to Start Match

Activision is excited to announce their newest free-to-play offshoot, Call of Duty: Proxy War! Experience all the fun of staging a coup and installing puppet rulers, to earn big points for America. It’s truly the hardest Call of Duty yet, because no matter how well you play, you’ll always lose. Finally some realism in video games!

1. Activision put a President in a Game, but that’s not what America wants. They want a Gamer who’s a President.

In the interest of being respectful, Hard Drive would like to state that while we may not like certain policies, we do ultimately appreciate the Grim Reaper taking Regan to hell and will not hold it against them for not taking him sooner. 

After reading all of these, I honestly like you, the commenters, have turned comments sections around for me. They’re a vital way for communities to support artists, have input into the things they love, and mercilessly shame content creators the instant they step out of line—as they should. Tor.

If you want to make it into this column, just leave us a funny comment on social media! There are no rules—not even the kind that exclude dogs. See you next week!

 

RNC Picks Up Coveted TruckNutz Sponsorship

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel announced today that the fourth night of the Republican National Convention will feature wall-to-wall advertising from their new exclusive sponsor, TruckNutz.

“Unlike the Democrats, we here in the Republican party care about small businesses, and we especially appreciate a nice pair of swinging balls. Balls are what made this country great, and people like Nancy Pelosi and the ‘Squad’ want to take those balls away from you,” said McDaniel. “TruckNutz are an affordable, plastic representation of everything we stand for as Americans: free speech, ingenuity, and pissing off everyone behind you. Join us tonight as we celebrate Donald Trump by unveiling a new model of TruckNutz that are an exact replica of his own freedom-loving, money-making testicles.”

TruckNutz inventor David Ham is thrilled his product is the sole advertiser for night four of the convention.

“Somehow, the only advertisers bidding against me were gun manufacturers and a company that specializes in getting stains out of Klan robes. A platform on this big of a stage could be massive for the company,” said Ham from his home office painted to look like a scrotum. “Our market research shows that not everyone who drives a truck votes Republican, but every Republican drives a truck. So we could be seeing thousands of swinging ballsacks shipping out of our warehouse in China in a matter of days.”

President Trump instantly welcomed the new corporate sponsor, claiming he has been a fan for years.

“People these days, they say, ‘We don’t want to see your balls,’ they always say this. I’ve been making my employees look at my balls for years. They love it! They see my balls, and they can’t believe ‘em — the size, smoothness, everything. And when I see TruckNutz, it reminds me of my own balls,” said Trump. “Obama never showed his balls to anyone. I actually heard he doesn’t have any balls — this is true. It was supposed to be this big secret, but I knew the truth. TruckNutz and Trump are going to rule this country for another 20 years, mark my words.”

At press time, Vice President Mike Pence was being rushed to a hospital after seeing a TruckNutz banner display and instantly going into a coma.

Will You Adopt This Dog Despite It’s Views on the #Metoo Movement?

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

It’s time for our Adopt-a-Pet post of the week, in which we highlight wonderful pets that are looking for their forever home.

This week, we highlight Pepper. This two-year-old Hound is about the sweetest pup alive. He’s great with kids, other pets, and has healthy energy levels. He is just looking for a loving forever home to take him in despite his toxic views on rape culture being a myth and the MeToo movement as a whole.

Don’t let this good boy’s casual and pathological misogyny turn you off. If you’re looking for a lovable goofball to come with you on runs, long car rides, and to the beach, then Pepper is the dog for you. He’s an active boy who loves long walks, rolling around in the grass, and doxxing sexual assault survivors on Telescope and 4chan.

Okay, real talk? We’ve been trying to pawn this dog off for god knows how long. It just seems to be the same story every time: he’s a real sweetheart, we just can’t deal with his violently sexist and retrograde views on gender.

Obviously, that’s a factor, but we think with the right amount of training and proper reinforcement he can unlearn this behavior and, honestly, he usually shuts up for a belly rub or a scratch behind the ears. Dogs can be taught to unlearn bad behavior. Anytime he goes on one of his tangents, just crate him or deprive him of Snausages, which are his favorite by the way.

Besides, when you really think about it, is it really that bad? He doesn’t piss and shit in the house, obeys all basic commands, and is a joy to have fall asleep on your lap. You can always put a muzzle on Pepper whenever he starts quoting from Milo Yiannopolous, of course by doing that you’d miss out on his butterfly kisses.

We’re not going to try and guilt-trip you on this one, but if we don’t find Pepper a home by the end of next week, we have to put him down. Seriously, if you just put a little work in and taught him some commands he’d probably stop saying this shit.

This one is on your hands, not ours. Remember, these views are taught. There are no bad dogs, just bad owners.

Gym Closures Leaves Old Naked Guys with Nowhere to Shower

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

HACKENSACK, N.J. — A new report from the Brookings Institute has found that nationwide gym closures due to the coronavirus have left the nation’s weird, old naked guys with nowhere to slowly, unashamedly shower, hitting New Jersey particularly hard.

“This is no way to live,” declared Randy Callezzo of Cherry Hill, N.J., one of many old, naked dudes across the country who just seems to hover around clothed people. “I suffer from a rare medical condition known as sanitorial claustrophobia — the only showers I feel comfortable using are those in public spaces. Gyms, community pools, high end offices, an alarming number of gun shops… they’re all closed, and I got more oil on me than an Italian salad. Look, I know my lifestyle might make people uncomfortable, but that ain’t my vibe.”

“The human form is a thing of beauty, and we should embrace every nude body we see. From a responsible distance, of course,” he added. “I don’t want people getting sick. I’m anti-pants, not anti-mask.”

As COVID-19 continues to ravage the nation, community organizers and activists are growing concerned about the strain the pandemic will place on community resources — be it hospitals, or hand dryers for old guys to dry their balls with.

“The old naked guy clientele are some of the most dedicated customers we have,” explained Michelle DeLoche, owner of Vaffanculo Sports Clubs in Ramsey, N.J. “Whether it’s your average wiseguy, your blue-blooded grease monkey, or one of the 10,000 Bruce Spingsteen impersonators in Asbury Park alone. People are gonna resort to extreme measures: old guys from the tri-state area will be cleansing their gabagool in the public fountains of this great state if we don’t figure something out soon. Governor Phil Murphy, the thick, tangy, garlicky blood of our citizens is on your hands.”

As both the national and local situation escalates, many wonder about the government’s role in protecting the rights of old guys to shower without shame.

“Christie fuckin’ scorched this place on the way out,” lamented Gov. Murphy. “Most of his drawers were filled with half-eaten hoagies, and I found a turd in the airtight case we keep the state charter in. Despite that, we’ve developed some walk-up showering sites for the old guys: a hazmat team sprays them with a hose, then they proceed to the soaping station, and then a second hosing. They can dry themselves on their own terms. We don’t want people abusing this system, however, and we’re considering measuring the scrotal length of its users to ensure that only the droopiest old guys are utilizing it.”

In related news, Gov. Murphy is considering reopening the state’s theme parks to allow parents a safe environment in which to scream at their children.

We Listened To a Song by Lou Bega That Wasn’t “Mambo No. 5” and Now This Japanese Girl With Wet Hair Keeps Crawling Out of Our Computer Monitor

Posted on by John Danek

Everyone on planet Earth knows “Mambo No. 5.” Even if you were merely an egg in your mother’s womb at the time, you heard it so much that you can perfectly time the “aarrrrggGGGHHHH!” in the chorus. We all are just aware of it, like Jesus Christ or Ronnie Radke. That’s why we decided to finally listen to a second Lou Bega song. It was pretty good until a dripping wet demon-girl crawled out of our screen. Help!

We queued up a song from his 2010 comeback album, “Free Again” when, 8 seconds into the song, our computer started glitching and a girl with dripping wet hair began squeezing her way out of the monitor. Probably a new Spotify feature. It freaked us out at first but once she got her footing, she just… stood there.

We were scared but it was getting late so we left some chips out and went to sleep. Bizarrely, we kept having the same dream of a horse falling overboard on a ferry. When we woke up the next morning, she was gone except for a pool of black sludge on our $10,000 Wayfair carpet.

We thought everything was okay until we fired up YouTube and there was that girl again! She wiggled her way between our open tabs and, once again, we found ourselves in an awkward standstill with a digital monster. Still worth it to hear another 8 seconds of Lou Bega. She spent the majority of the day following us around and staring at us while dripping. Our anxiety died down after about an hour but the dripping never stopped. If we’re going to finish this album we should invest in a bucket.

Other than some damp carpets, she didn’t cause any problems besides the normal stress of having to constantly entertain a houseguest. We can only hope that one day some other poor soul will press play on a Lou Bega deep cut and we will be free from this curse.

Are you a punk horror nerd? Check out our horror movie podcast The Horror Times! Each week our writers and editors watch and discuss a classic horror movie with original sketches and songs inspired by the films:

Pop Punk Frontman Loses Interest in Band After Sound Matures

Posted on by Allan Johnston

ISLIP, N.Y. — Everything Done in Latin frontman Lawrence Joseph has lost interest in the band he’s been part of for 15 years after the trio’s sound matured too much for his liking, according to sources.

“My heart just wasn’t in it anymore,” lamented Joseph. “When we first started, our sound was full of youthful energy and innocence that I just fed off… and that vibe is just gone now. I’m proud of how our music evolved, but over the years, something went missing that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.”

The tensions of an aging band outgrowing its singer were not lost on many of its disappointed but unsurprised fans.

“I grew up listening to them and going to their shows, so when I saw them coming to town again, I figured the nostalgia factor alone was enough to go. But it was kind of a letdown,” said longtime fan Johanna Black. “The singer just had this bored, disengaged look in his eyes… and when the drummer was doing this tapping thing, you could tell he wasn’t even listening. I think he was starting to realize he was getting too old to keep doing what he was doing.”

Band manager Christopher Martino agreed, noting the disparity between the singer and the maturity of the band’s sound has been growing for years now.

“When I look back at the early photos that survived the countless years of touring, hard drive failures, and border crossings, they still stir up all kinds of emotions in me,” Martino said. “When he was writing love ballads about taking advantage of free drinks and ‘ladies night’ bar specials, there was a sparkle in his eye. But as the rest of the band honed its craft and widened their influences, his lyrics had to get more cryptic just to keep up… which I think sucked all the fun out of hiding in plain sight.”

Joseph has also allegedly checked in with his band from high school, “just to see how they’ve been doing.”

Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War Lobby Just Two Opposing Teams Threatening to Start Match

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

RICHMOND, Va. — Players have been waiting for a multiplayer round of Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War to start for the past 12 hours, as both teams keep threatening to start the match but backing out at the last second.

“I got into an early beta and immediately jumped into a lobby,” said Jonathan Acosta, a longtime fan of the series. “Matchmaking was going smoothly, but then every time the countdown timer got to one, a player would get cold feet and the process would restart. I’ve just been waiting for hours to start shooting, but honestly I don’t know if this so-called ‘war,’ is ever gonna pop off.”

As tensions rose, players started trash talking one another over voice chat in an attempt to launch psychological warfare against one another. Some players even went as far as to join the enemy team to secretly gather intel on them while they waited for the match to begin.

“Do you really think you can beat us?” taunted player WarsawPat55. “Collectively, our team’s K/D is a 16.0. If you so much as fire a pistol shot at us, we’ll earn the biggest killstreak you’ve ever seen in one minute flat and drop a nuke on the battlefield. Not convinced? Well, I’ll back out of the game to give you a chance to think it over, okay?”

According to statistics from Activision, players have reportedly spent the majority of their time in the game’s loadout menu customizing their weapons.

“We’re trying to find ways to get players to start the matches faster,” said Infinity Ward community manager Ashton Williams. “We’re actually experimenting with a new game mode called Proxy War, where players can funnel their currency to other players and send them to grief anyone on their rivals’ friends list.”

After a seemingly endless standoff, the Russian team quit the game entirely. Team USA celebrated by installing a slew of hacks and terrorizing level one players in matches around the world.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Activision Announces New ‘Star Wars’ Game

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SANTA MONICA — Activision revealed a new ‘Star Wars’ video game today entitled Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, available late 2020.

“We know how many diehard ‘Star Wars’ fans are out there, and we really wanted to make sure we did them justice with our tribute to their favorite franchise — President Ronald Reagan’s 1984 strategic missile defense system designed to protect the United States from nuclear attacks,” said Activision CEO Bobby Kotick. “What a bunch of nerds!”

Reactions from the ‘Star Wars’ community, which is often quite volatile, were very positive towards the new game.

“I freakin’ love ‘Star Wars’ and I’m so excited to finally get my hands on a GOOD game about it,” said Star Wars superfan @MutuallyAssuredDestructionDog53 on Twitter. “I go ALL OUT when I talk ‘Star Wars,’ man. I’m talking conventions, cosplays, figurines… Every year, my friends and I head out to a huge ‘Star Wars’ con and I go decked out in a full United States Department of Defense officer uniform cosplay. I just love the community so much!”

Despite the positive responses, however, many members of the ‘Star Wars’ fandom did vow to boycott the upcoming game if it featured too many prominent characters of color.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Local Casket Distributor Offering Huge Back to School Savings

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — Callahan’s Casket Emporium will offer a “Back to School Blowout Sale” this year, offering discounts of up to 50% on last year’s models, multiple cold-call recipients confirmed.

“I’ve been selling coffins my entire adult life. I could sell a double-decker coffin to a petite widow with no issue, so the fact the government is forcing children back to school will mean I can finally afford to get my wife the pool she’s always wanted,” said top salesman Donovan Muldoon. “Those little germ factories are going to help kill off everyone in their house so fast that I don’t know if we’ll be able to keep up. If I’m lucky, COVID-19 will evolve to be more deadly for kids, and I might be able to sell some of the child-sized coffins we’ve had in storage.”

Potential casket occupants in the greater Flagstaff area, initially outraged by the callous sale, were nevertheless intrigued by the low price points.

“Parents are in a very tough spot right now: I either don’t work and try to homeschool my kid, or I send them to school and wait for them to bring home a deadly disease. This is a lose-lose situation. With that being said, I’ve never seen a mahogany casket with velvet interior for $350,” said single parent Elsye Ommari. “I’d be stupid not to at least stop by their store and see what sort of deals they have. My parents babysit my third-grader a lot, so maybe I can buy coffins for them as well and get a two-for-one discount or something.”

Consumer trends expert Alicia O’Brien noted that lots of end-of-life businesses are trying to cash in on America’s complete botching of the COVID-19 outbreak.

“The economy is struggling right now, and the service and live event industries are basically non-existent, but if you look closely you see heightened activity in less desirable sectors,” said O’Brien. “One county in California banned people from spreading loved ones’ ashes outdoors because there was so much dead body dust floating around, it was covering cars and killing the fish in local waterways. If you sell burial plots or run a funeral home, you’re stacking cash right now.”

“Billionaires are also doing great,” added O’Brien. “It’s amazing how they were able to bilk the working class out of even more money.”

In related news, the Mead and Lisa Frank corporations are both exploring the logistics of offering middle school-friendly casket options.

Legendary Metal Band Reunites After 7 Year Breakup to Announce Shitty Craft Beer Release

Posted on by Zac Lux

LOS ANGELES — Legendary metal band Goop has reunited after seven years apart to release a boring, flavorless craft beer dubbed “Goop Soup,” disappointed fans and beer drinkers confirm.

“We felt like it was finally time to put our egos aside and get back together. Financially speaking, of course,” said 50-year-old lead vocalist Raul Moss. “What can I say? I missed these guys, but I also really missed making oodles of cash for doing little to no work while getting super laid. When I saw these other bands slapping their logo on a can of beer, I saw my retirement plan: I knew we had to get on the train, lest we be left at the station,” he said, apparently referencing Goop’s ‘80s smash hit “Gooptrain to Sexville.”

Fans could not be more pissed off about the new release.

“What the hell, man?” said Andrew Hoffman, a devout “Gooper Trooper.” “When I heard they were getting back together, I assumed it meant new music, but all they’ve released are knick-knacks and cereal boxes. They even went through the expensive, ridiculously arduous task of building a mobile phone game. I’d really love for them to at least do a reunion tour. If the beer is the only thing they think is feasible, I mean, obviously I’m going to buy it. But I’m not going to be happy about it.”

Cristina Duggan, owner and head brewer of the North American Brewers’ subsidiary Leather on Metal Brewery, thinks the trend of shitty, unflavored, metal-themed beer will only grow.

“It happens all the time,” said Duggan. “We’ve whipped up so many different batches of beer to keep up with these hackless bands we’ve just said, ‘Fuck it’ — we’ve got one recipe for all of them, and just give the cans different labels. It’s all the same boring crap: watered-down IPA with tree bark concentrate and red food coloring to make it look ‘badass,’ and $12 a bottle for basically a dyed Bud Light. It upsets me as a beer fan, but as a brewery owner, I couldn’t be happier.”

At press time, fans were too drunk off Goop Soup to comment.