Man Shocked Meathead Cop with “Punisher” Tattoo Doesn’t Read the Comic Books

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SIOUX CITY, Iowa. — Local man Derrick Carney was mercilessly beaten within an inch of his life last night not long after learning that police officer Marcus Brady does not read comic books despite having a “Punisher” skull tattoo, sources accusing Carney of being a “Soros plant” confirmed.

“You might say I’m optimistic to a fault, but I don’t like to generalize any group of people, even cops,” Carney said through his wired shut jaw. “When I saw Ofc. Brady’s tattoo, I asked him if he ever read Garth Ennis’s run on ‘Punisher Max.’ That’s when the baton whacks started. I tried to reason with him and told him, ‘This isn’t a very Frank Castle thing to do,’ but he just screamed, ‘Who the fuck is that?’ and turned off his body cam.”

Ofc. Brady defended his ink despite a lack of “Punisher” knowledge.

“Derrrrrrr, skull man cool. Officer Brady Saw skull man movie once. Skull was good, so officer Brady get skull drawing. Now I skull man,” explained the decorated officer, who graduated at the top of his class at the police academy. “Skull man hurt bad people, like police. Is skull man police? No. But skull man good. So police good.”

Ofc. Brady then defecated in his pants and issued everyone within 50 feet a citation for “embarrassing an officer by taking a shit in his pants.”

Police union representative Courtney Houghton commented on police fascination with the logo.

“Yes, I’m well aware that many police officers have adopted the ‘Punisher’ iconography, and I know that Marvel has scolded law enforcement for it in interviews. Let me just say this to Marvel: consider yourself lucky most cops consider reading ‘pussy shit’ and wouldn’t be caught dead doing it. Otherwise, they’d be pissed,” said Houghton. “And by the way, I used to read ‘Punisher’ back in the day before he was an anti-hero, when he was a violent, sociopathic villain who was never held accountable for his actions. Tell me that doesn’t sound exactly like the average cop?”

More recently, some officers are getting tattoos of the Marvel character “Red Skull,” insisting that they just think the skull looks cool and that it has nothing to do with Red Skull being a literal Nazi.

We Wanted To Cover the RNC While on Ketamine but We Took Too Much and They Gave Us a Speaking Slot

Posted on by Aidan Sears

With the Verhoevian monster truck rally that is the Republican National Convention finally upon us, we here at The Hard Times decided that the only way to properly cover it would be with some good old fashioned gonzo journalism. So we got some British teens to ship us what we assume is pretty good ketamine and got down to business.

But upon discovering that my scale is broken and that I have a great misunderstanding of how much a key bump is, I ended up entering a k-hole that not only led to no writing progress whatsoever but also led to me being given a speaking slot at the Convention on Wednesday night. And that is completely my bad.

I first felt my limbs and eyes go numb on Monday around the time when Donald Trump joked that he would be in office another 12 years. Despite the fact that I felt like there were three of me and two of them had fallen into an abyss in my sofa, I opened my laptop and sent some email questions to every Convention speaker I could find, only stopping when I could no longer use my hands and was rubbing my face on the keyboard.

I then somehow ended up in a video chat with RNC Chairwoman Ronna Romney McDaniel, and although speaking a single word felt like it required me to unlock a combination with my tongue, we had what I thought was a heated journalistic back-and-forth of anywhere from 5 minutes to 16 hours. It wasn’t until I came out of my k-hole the next day that I saw that she had commended me for everything I said and that in my free-associating dissociative stupor, I “more clearly evoked the current ethos of the Republican Party than anyone she had ever met.”

So now all I have to show for my efforts is a prime time speaking slot sandwiched between Mike Pence and a QAnoner, as well as several dozen grams of ketamine still left. And while it may be my journalistic duty to use this platform for good, that ketamine isn’t going to boof itself. So, stay tuned.

Small Town’s Punk Scene Named Denise

Posted on by Rob Walker

MOFFAT, Colo. — The entire local punk scene of a small town in southern Colorado is named Denise Killian, age 27, a lone source reports.

“I learned about punk mostly from the internet, and I guess a lot of places are blessed with a community of people to make art with and stuff… but there’s just no one here who’s into it,” Killian explained. “The closest thing to a scene around here is the Planned Parenthood in Pueblo, along with that old townie who picks up the cans and really hates Monsanto. He said he saw a dead raccoon over at the gravel pit, and I think it could be perfect for an album cover, so that’s something.”

Despite several attempts to recruit more to join her as part of the local scene, all so far have declined her offers and were later dismissed as “normie trash.”

“At first, she’d always ask me to give her a ride to Denver to see bands, but that’s like four hours away and my parents would freak,” said 17-year-old Food Town Grocery cashier and Killian’s coworker, Dana Simms. “Then she said we should start a band because she’s got lyrics, and I won first place soprano sax solo last year at regionals. I told her I’d think about it, but 4H takes a huge bite out of my schedule.”

Killian has largely carried the scene on her back through zine distribution and informing “posers” of their poor musical and fashion choices.

“Denise works so hard on her little magazine; she’s had it for about a year now. I could see her becoming the next editor of Harpers,” reported Killian’s mother Lynn of her daughter’s zine, The Snatch Rag. “But I did overhear her yelling at someone about a Sex Pistols crop top earlier this morning, so I’ll have to have a word. Lord knows I’ll be hearing about it on Sunday.”

In related news, the small town scene of Veazie, Maine was declared dead early this morning after its lone member, Virginia Hedges, passed away following a lengthy battle with cancer.

New Strongman Competition Makes You Remove Little Plastic Piece From Joy-Con After It’s Been Put on Upside Down

Posted on by Andy Holt

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — The World’s Strongest Man competition announced a new annual event, in which entrants will compete to remove the small plastic attachment from a Nintendo Switch Joy Con after it’s been slid on the wrong way.

“Fans already love our extreme events, like the truck pull and the anvil toss. We thought we’d step up to something even more challenging this year,” said a spokesperson for the contest. “Some of our athletes have already threatened to quit, saying the new event is too hard. But that’s what World’s Strongest Man is all about — pushing the limits of the human body.”

For gamers, attaching the Joy Con cover upside down is considered a great personal hardship, as they must risk serious injury in order to remove it and get back to playing. The strongest people on earth, on the other hand, saw it as a thrilling challenge.

“We take a lot of risks to do what we do. Torn muscles, herniated discs, even broken bones. But the Joy Con event is pushing it to a whole new level,” said Martins Licis, current holder of the World’s Strongest Man title. “I started training last week, and I’m already nursing a brutal little pinch on my fingey.”

The competition hoped the addition would bring more gamers into the audience, but it backfired, as many gamers considered the event disrespectful.

“I’ve lost some precious hours of gaming to that little plastic piece. Is it my fault that I didn’t look at the plus sign and minus sign to make sure they’re lined up? Sure. Does that make me feel any better about being a grown woman spending 30 minutes trying to get it off? No,” said local gamer Sarah Grant. “My life isn’t some kind of silly game. Have some respect.”

Unconfirmed reports also suggested another new event: pushing the television stand forward to check if the HDMI cable is connected.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Review: Link and Navi’s New Podcast Is Way Too One-Sided

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

The highly anticipated podcast from iconic gaming duo Link and Navi has finally debuted, and sadly, they have produced an extremely one-sided and unbalanced show.

In their new investigative podcast Ocarina of Crime, legendary Hylian adventurer Link and his fairy friend Navi discuss infamous crimes throughout history. However, the pilot episode, which purports to focus on the mysterious disappearance of Jabu-Jabu, spends very little time actually discussing the different aspects of the case. 

“Hey! Look!” begins the program, though co-host Navi’s compelling calls to attention are never satisfactorily followed up on. This blatant attempt at a catchphrase is repeated dozens more times throughout the three hour podcast, with absolutely zero response from Navi’s partner, save for several onomatopoeia, such as “Hyuh!” and “Ehh!” occasionally deployed in response to Navi.

Strangely enough, the closest thing to an actual dialogue is heard whenever an ad read occurs on the show. They are generally introduced by long ocarina songs that seem to summon their producer, who then proceeds to read a scripted pitch from one of their sponsors, which include Casper Mattress and The Dark World Bomb Shop. These are usually underscored by Navi, once again dominating the show and demanding that audiences listen to the ad currently happening.

First episodes are generally rough, but this first installment of Ocarina of Crime is particularly unlistenable. Until they develop a better format, and Link starts to carry his weight as a co-host, you should hop on a ship, play “The Ballad of Gales,” and avoid this podcast at any cost.

Want a podcast from hosts who talk? Check out The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

CBS Launches New Spinoff Series “Dead Sheldon”

Posted on by Jonah Nink

LOS ANGELES — Following the success of “The Big Bang Theory” and its spinoff series “Young Sheldon,” CBS announced today that another spinoff entitled “Dead Sheldon” will premiere later this year.

“People fell in love with Sheldon Cooper’s geeky antics on ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ and watching him navigate high school in ‘Young Sheldon’ couldn’t have been more fun,” said producer Chuck Lorre, who created both shows. “The network and I discussed where we could take the story next, and the answer was obvious: we’ve seen young Sheldon and middle-aged Sheldon, but you know what we haven’t seen? Sheldon’s rotting, bloated corpse.”

Set 20 years after “The Big Bang Theory,” the new series opens with Sheldon suffering from a fatal stroke. Instead of calling an ambulance, the rest of the “Big Bang Theory” gang assumes that it’s just another wacky Sheldon Cooper moment and continues about their day.

“I had so much fun working with my ‘Big Bang Theory’ castmates again. I’m always humbled by how talented these people are,” said Kaley Cuoco, who reprised her role as Penny for “Dead Sheldon.” “Jim Parsons was so committed to the role that he actually gave himself a real stroke and died while filming. I won’t spoil too much, but my favorite scene is when Sheldon’s skin starts to turn green and Howard says, ‘What are you, the Hulk?’ It’s funny because he referenced the Hulk, which is a nerd thing.”

To help build up hype for the show, CBS released half of its first season on CBS All Access for a limited time.

“I’ll admit that I found the first few minutes of the show very unsettling,” said Max Smith, a longtime “Big Bang Theory” fan. “Sheldon looked like he was having a very serious stroke, but Leonard, Howard, and Raj were only focused on discussing why women can’t play ‘Dungeons and Dragons.’ I almost turned it off, but then Leonard referenced ‘Star Trek’ and there was a laugh track, which made me feel better.”

In response to the early praise for “Dead Sheldon,” CBS has greenlit several more “Big Bang Theory” spinoffs, including “Prison Sheldon,” “Gulf War Sheldon,” and “In Utero Sheldon.”

Cop Worried Dealer Is Spitting in His Cocaine

Posted on by Ryan Danley

SEATTLE — Seattle Police Lieutenant Chuck Haines is beginning to worry that his dealer may be tampering with his cocaine, following a rash of well-publicized incidents involving service employees spitting in police officers’ food, sources report.

“It’s hard out here being a cop — the world is against us, and we can’t trust anyone. I mean, look at the weird clumps in my cocaine. That’s gotta be spit,” said Haines, as he diced up rails in the front seat of his squad car. “I know my dealer is into BLM and all of that stuff; I can tell by the way he dresses. But I’m putting my life on the line out here for this community, dammit! Can’t my plug show me a little respect?”

While many agree that police are at a heightened risk for receiving contaminated products, cocaine supplier Derek Haslan denied any wrongdoing.

“Haines said what? That dude’s been hitting it hard lately, and he’s super paranoid. I run a professional operation here,” Haslan said, while sifting laundry detergent into a large pile of powder on his kitchen table. “Cops are always crying that people are messing with them. Does he really think I want to take the time to spit in every cop’s 8-ball? With all the cops that buy from me, I wouldn’t have enough spit to go around.”

While Haines may never fully know if his cocaine was tampered with, law enforcement experts see this as an indicator of upcoming psychological trauma modern police will deal with.

“Back in the day, society respected law enforcement: people waved, you got a free cup of coffee, and you knew you weren’t getting some super stepped-on bag of yayo from a local dealer,” said Fraternal Order of Police President Randall Price. “But now, you’re all against us. We can’t even attack the poors anymore without you maggots crying. Every last one of you will pay dearly.”

Haines was later seen trying to make friends with the new Evidence Locker guard.

We Asked Our Supposedly Alcoholic Mailman What Poetry They’re Working on and They Maced Us

Posted on by Zac Lux

Every day I see the mailman and I am transfixed. Every day I imagine the sound of empty bottles clinking around in that truck as they grace the pavement. I picture the alcohol in their belly sloshing rhythmically along with the lulling tap, tap, tap, of their boots up my walk. Every day I can practically smell only the Frenchest of screw-cap wines amongst their breath. Nestled in the decimated remains of what was once was an honorable mail satchel, lies a flask: the only trace of escape from the drudgery of a thankless life. That, and the can of mace they used to blind me just for running up on them and asking what poetry they’re working on. What an asshole. Just like my hero, Charles Bukowski.

I am certain they are a prolific writer. Otherwise, why would they follow the precedent of working for the postal service set by such legendary raging alcoholics who are also writers like Charles Bukowski and I think there was that other one? I don’t know if you noticed yet, but, I too, am a bit of a writer, myself, as well. I figured there is no better opportunity to connect with another tortured, creative soul than during the delivery of my mail. Maybe down the line we will exchange supple slurps of old bourbon and callous badinage over notes on our prose. Maybe they’ll drive me to the hospital once they realize I was only trying to be nice.

There they were, silhouetted by the late morning sun. Short-shorts providing momentary shade over their tired, goopy thighs. They took a swig of their flask, leather-bound and worn, as they pulled tomes of thoughtful meanderings, bills, and coupons of Bed and Bath and Beyond that had traversed the country mere days ago. Now that they’re a little closer, that may have been a bottle of Desani.

My moment accompanied the opening of the mailbox flap. A rusted door that must have seen a lifetime. What it must have done in the past, for the hinge’s fate deemed to hold up such a thing, I do not know. I lunged toward the mailman, exclaiming with urgency that only they, another artist, another concierge of the mind, an alcoholic mailman, could understand.

“SHOW ME YOUR PROSE,” I implored, “FOR I TOO AM A WRITER AND WE HAVE YET TO DISCERN THIS DELICATE TRAVESTY OF LIFE.” I beseeched the mailman.

Immediately we connected, our eyes meeting in dire strive, gasping for truth. As only artists could connect. It was then when the mailman reciprocated my passion with a stunning blast of bear-mace, pocketed so precisely in their aforementioned satchel. The burning sensation felt like someone lit a thousand cigarettes in the boxcars, boxcars, boxcars of my eyes. I curdled to the floor in the embrace of the mailman’s tactful wit, knowing that this interaction may be the muse for their next treasured work.

I thank you, the artist, the drunk, the holy mailman, for not only telling me the poetry you’re working on, but truly, viscerally, showing me. In hindsight, I should have worn a mask before answering the door.

Band Photographer Suggests One Photo Without Bassist Just in Case

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Photographer Juliette Heartinson suggested punk band Schrodinger’s Cat’s Butthole do one photo without the bass player last week “just in case things didn’t work out in the long run,” a group of recently deposed bassists reported.

“These bands experience so many on-again, off-again bassists that you just never know,” said Heartinson, in between reminding the bass player not to smile and say “cheese” for pictures. “I’m constantly asked to do reshoots after a band inevitably kicks out their bass player for showing a new song they wrote, so I always make sure to take one without the bassist so it can later be used to Photoshop whatever new one the band gets. Honestly, it always feels a little awkward in the moment, but the rest of the band typically gets so excited over the suggestion that the bass player simply has no rebuttal.”

Indeed, Jeff Plummert, the band’s fourth bass player in 12 months, questioned the photographer’s recommendation.

“It was definitely odd to sit back and watch the rest of the band take a photo without me,” said Plummert while doing his weekly practice studio chores assigned by his bandmates. “Almost like all those times they went out to get a few beers after a show, but forgot to tell me where they were going… or that time I caught them texting with their previous bassist and they said it was ‘nothing to worry about.’ Or that time they accidentally pushed me out of a moving car after I suggested they invite me to their band meetings. Really, the list goes on.”

Music experts have long documented band members’ rapport with one another.

“Being in a band is just like being in a relationship, but polyamorous, so they rarely ever work out,” music critic Danielle Jefferson said. “Unless a band shows legitimate signs that they’re capable of long-term commitment, the bass player can expect to be dumped at any time for a heavier, more funny one. We’re actually seeing bands wait longer than is typically normal to reveal their bassist’s identity on social media — almost as if they’re waiting to see if their current one is ‘touring material’ before making it Instagram official.”

The band wrote a glowing review of Heartinson’s freelance photography business, citing her professional demeanor and patience when working with bass players.