Game Not Nearly Difficult Enough to Justify This Many Power-Ups

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

METHUEN, Mass. — Guessing that he could probably blow through the second half of the game without picking up a single accessory or stat modifier, local gamer David Escobar told sources Wednesday that the new action-adventure game War-Torn is not nearly difficult enough to justify this many power-ups.

“I spent the first ten hours of my playthrough really trying to collect everything to make my guy as strong as possible, but then I got so overpowered that each boss only took a few hits to beat,” said Escobar, while staring in disbelief at the upgrade menu with its six different tabs covering everything from jumping height to ammo capacity. “It’s cool that I can tweak all of this, but honestly I thought the game was pretty easy even with base stats. Now it just feels like I turned cheats on or something.”

Despite criticism, the game’s developers have defended the level of customization in the game as an artistic choice.

“War-Torn is really a commentary on the excess in military spending,” said lead designer Scott Collins. “Our intention from the beginning was to have the player be inundated with choices and an abundance of equipment until they realize it’s all overkill. Well, that’s mostly true — the twelve different kinds of shock grenades were actually a note from our publisher. Apparently some players can’t get enough of customizing shock grenades.”

At press time, Escobar had finished the game’s campaign and unlocked an “Ultra Hard” difficulty that restricts the player to only four tabs on the customization screen.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Apple Announces Twenty Dollar Bill That Will Cost Fifty Dollars

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SEATTLE — Apple’s latest addition to its signature line of products was revealed today, an American twenty dollar bill whose base model will retail for $49.99.

“This new twenty dollar bill, tentatively called the iBill, is going to revolutionize the way Apple users will interact with the goods and services they purchase,” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, Inc. “Obviously, there are some other twenty dollar bills already on the market, but this sleek, redesigned bill blows them away. It’s time to step into the future, and this fifty dollar twenty is the logical next step for American cash.”

Scores of fans were lined up overnight to hopefully procure some of the first shipment of Apple cash, reported several bank employees that didn’t realize their branch was among the first to have its ATM filled with the new Apple devices. 

“I know it seems silly, but I don’t know, I just trust Apple stuff,” said Isaac Porter, standing in front of a long line of people waiting for a Bank of America branch to open. “I don’t carry a lot of cash, and I’m mostly using Apple Pay right now, so it’ll be nice to have cash that is fully compatible with my iOS and across all of my devices when I do. I’m not that worried about the price tag, fifty dollars isn’t a lot for a twenty dollar bill if it makes me happy, you know?”

The bill is ostensibly the same as other twenty dollar bills currently in circulation with one major difference; it will not be compatible with any machines produced before 2018. 

“We know Apple users tend to want to use other Apple products,” said Miranda Ashton, a company spokesperson. “So yes, our new money will not be able to be spent in things like vending machines and the like, but our users are used to having to sacrifice basic compatibility with the world around them in exchange for completely overpriced merchandise. Oh, and it comes with a sticker!”

As of press time, Android has announced that 412 new versions of the one dollar bill will be made available for all Android users.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

I Said I Was Looking for a Big “Tidy” Goth Chick and This Place is a Fucking Mess

Posted on by John Danek

Ooo, I’ve never had mugwort/wormwood tea, but I’m excited to try! This is the perfect way to end a great first date.

Though, I have to ask, did you just move in? I totally understand if like, you didn’t have time to put everything away and clean. But, ummm… if this is the way your apartment is all the time, I’m more than a little disappointed. Damn.

My Tinder bio clearly stated that I’m looking for a “big, tidy goth chick” and yet, I’m looking at a used fork just sitting on your couch. I thought I was pretty clear. Look at that! It’s just laying on the pillow. How does one become such a slob? Is that mold on your ceiling? Ok, I’m putting my mask back on. And to think that I was concerned about coronavirus when the real threat was my very real mold allergy/phobia.

Big “tiddy” goth chick? First off, that’s not even how you spell “titty.” I should know, I’ve been Google searching that word for decades now. And quite frankly, I’m appalled that you would think that I could be so superficial.

I would never demand breasts of a certain size in a partner. Yes, I see them, and they are in fact huge knockers. And that’s awesome. You know what else is awesome? Being able to walk 2 steps on your living room floor without tripping over a… what is this a thigh master? Do they still make these? Why do you have this?

Oh my god, the carpet is worse! There are clearly bits of Cooler Ranch Doritos all over the place. Do you have a cat? NO? Then how is this place covered in so much fur? There are mounds of mystery fur in here, and yet you don’t have a cat? Get Sherlock Holmes in on this mystery.

Woah, ok. Yes I see them. Please put your breasts away. And do you have any hand sanitizer? I’m going to need some after I walk out of this virus den. I have officially been catfished. And it smells like literal catfish in here.

Naive Cop Believes People Just Started Spitting in Their Food

Posted on by Collin Canning

PORTLAND, Maine — Portland Police Department Officer Grace Hutchinson somehow fully believes that people have only recently started tampering with her food, snickering sources confirm.

“This is new. I’ve been an officer for decades, and I’ve never seen such disrespect,” said the 20-year member of the PPD, who has received three medals for bravery, 43 citations for excessive use of force, and consumed roughly 325 pubic hairs throughout her career. “Everyone used to love us and appreciate the work we do… and then, bam! All of a sudden, people don’t like cops for no reason. It’s nuts.”

“What kind of world is this where I can’t even order a large number three with extra cheese, without fearing that some skateboarder I just gave a $150 ticket to for sitting at the skatepark without a helmet is going to hock a loogie into the bun?” she added.

For their part, Portland McDonald’s employees were surprised by the claims.

“I understand the climate is really tense right now, but honestly, nothing’s changed,” stated fry cook Andy Miller, polishing off a quart of whole milk. “I definitely didn’t start spitting in pigs’ food this year. I make cop’s food the same way today that I always have — with the utmost contempt, and three days of backed-up mucus in my throat. ACAB.”

Since May, police nationwide have reported an uptick in food tampering, acts denied by the local chain managers across the country.

“We would never, ever do something like that to an order from a brave member of the police force… ever,” said Oxford, Miss. Starbucks manager Tuck Bottomley. “The police are valuable members of our society, and I strongly condemn anyone who might, say, hock a chunky phlegm oyster into an officer’s ice cap, and then blend it so they don’t even notice. Or, if a rogue employee were to, for instance, slowly feed the same cop a mixture of spit, crusty elbow scabs, semen and fingernails until they technically made that cop into a cannibal without his knowledge, well… I would just like to meet that employee.”

At press time, Ofc. Hutchinson was spotted outside of a Denny’s carefully inspecting her Cali Club sandwich while several employees watched from the window, high-fiving.

Opinion: They Say Success Is the Best Revenge, but I Actually Think It’s Murder

Posted on by John Danek

Join me in a cathartic exercise. I want you to write down the names of 3 people who have slighted you, stabbed you in the back, or otherwise hurt you in some way or another. Your secret is safe with me.

Did you write down the same name three times? Me too! So how are we going to get even with these arch-nemesis stinkers of ours?

Everyone has heard the old axiom “Success is the best revenge.” And sure, becoming wildly successful works, especially if your foe opposed your pursuits or rivaled you in some way. I’ll say it’s a Top 5 revenge tactic, but it certainly isn’t number 1.

Want me to let you in on a little secret? The best revenge of them all is… murder.

It’s so simple, sweet, effective, and final! But I will caution you, the method of murder can make all the difference. Drive-by shooting into their house while they eat dinner with the family? Effective but not very satisfying.

Hiring a honeypot to lure them into your industrial boiler room where you chain them up and dismantle their human form piece-by-piece via used, rusty scalpels you bought off a bankrupt dentist’s practice? SO VERY SATISFYING.

Sure, success has its perks, but does it really scratch the itch that is vengeance? Let’s say you go on to win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for your role as The Man in the Yellow Hat in the gritty reboot of Curious George starring Andy Serkis. It will feel good, but you won’t be able to actually see the frustration and hopelessness of your foe’s concession. Murder gives you a front-row seat to the fear, regret, confusion, despair, and most importantly, the begging. Oh, the begging!

Sure, I understand that the intention of “Success is the best revenge” is to caution people that the satisfaction of vengeance is hollow and fleeting, but like, is it? There’s truly only one way to find out! This method isn’t for filthy casuals. It’s for people who have Google Alerts set up for their opponent’s name to catalog every little misfortune that befalls them.

Maybe you’re not quite ready for number 1. Murder is a fairly big commitment. But you still want to ruin their sanity and life? I wrote a PHP script that repeatedly signs someone up for Donald Trump’s campaign emails. Solid #2 revenge tactic.

Are you a punk horror nerd? Check out our horror movie podcast The Horror Times! Each week our writers and editors watch and discuss a classic horror movie with original sketches and songs inspired by the films:

Coolest Kid in Sixth Grade Shows up to School With BTS Ventilator

Posted on by Tyler Dark

LEXINGTON, S.C. — Forest Hills Middle School sixth grader Brynn Ruark effortlessly secured the title of “coolest kid in school” yesterday after showing up to the first day of reopened classes with a kick-ass BTS ventilator, jealous sources confirmed.

“Yeah, I know my breathing machine is awesome,” Ruark said, as she struggled to work up the strength to tuck a four-color pen behind her ear. “Just because my odds of survival are slim doesn’t mean it has to fuck up my swag. I have a reputation to maintain, and BTS is the shit. With this bad boy, I’m on the fast track to kissing Mikey Tribbel… whose chances of getting out of this semester alive are also pretty dicey.”

While much of the reception to Ruark’s ventilator was positive, some of her classmates felt overshadowed, claiming their ventilators didn’t get the attention they deserved.

“I have to admit, BTS is fucking tight,” remarked Colby Challenger, another Forest Hills student who shares a lunch block with Ruark. “I thought I’d at least get a little love for my Shawn Mendes ventilator, but nobody could shut up about Brynn’s. I’m just glad I’m not the girl in my social studies class who came in with a fucking hand-me-down ‘Hannah Montana’ ventilator. I’d rather just let my lungs collapse than be seen with one of those.”

News of Ruark’s life-saving accessory spread far beyond the halls of Forest Hills Middle after a photo taken of her by his mother went viral, prompting BTS to reach out to their young fan.

“WOW! That ventilator SLAPS,” tweeted Jungkook, one of the group’s nine vocalists. “SO cool! Me and the guys hope you die last of all your classmates, because you’re clearly AWESOME! Thx 4 being a soldier in the BTS ARMY!”

Despite Ruark’s early popularity, she was already upstaged by the end of the day when a dance routine held during the funeral of former classmate Abigail Wendell went viral on TikTok.

Mario Lopez Appearance on Access Hollywood Unexpectedly Sabotaged by Wario Lopez

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — 2011 “Favorite TV Reality, Variety, or Comedy Personality or Act” ALMA Award nominee Mario Lopez was once again foiled at the hands of his arch nemesis Wario Lopez after cutting his microphone midway through a recent filming of an Access Hollywood segment, agitated show producers confirmed. 

“Him and his outlandishly zigzagging mustache have been quite a nuisance around here,” said Mario Lopez, following the incident. “Lately, he’s been sneaking onto the sound stage and turning off the power on my mic before fleeing the scene shouting, ‘I’m a-Wario Lopez and I’m a-gonna win!’ Sure, it’s mildly inconvenient, and we just restart the take and go about our business, but enough already! I’m actually more concerned that he’s been following me home while tossing banana peels at me from his electric Smart Car window. Honestly, what’s with this guy?”

Speaking to the press, Wario Lopez shed some light on the origins of the very public grudge he has long held against the heavily dimpled actor.

“I must show a-Mario Lopez that I’m a-number one!” said Wario Lopez. “You see, a long time ago, we both auditioned for the role of AC Slater in Saved by the Bell and it was a-Mario who got the part. Ever since it’s been my mission to thwart his career any chance I got. Thankfully, he’s mostly sabotaged himself with his acting choices, like The Dog Who Saved a-Christmas, so there’s not much for a-Wario to do but disrupt these entertainment show recordings.” 

The Access Hollywood film crew has been routinely irritated by the mostly one-sided rivalry. 

“We’ve had to call cops on that creep on multiple occasions,” said Jennifer Ploddington, sound engineer for the entertainment news program. “Turns out, there’s simply nothing we can do about it though. The authorities said they can’t arrest someone for comic mischief, and the judge rejected Mario’s restraining order request even after Wario purposefully pushed him down a nearby drainage pipe during an on-location home makeover segment with Ty Pennington. I’m worried it’s just a matter of time before someone is seriously injured.”

At press time, Wario Lopez decided to abandon his attempts to sabotage the Saved by the Bell reboot after learning it’d be on the Peacock network.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Report: Valve Employees Working Grueling 100-Hour Work Weeks On Nothing

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

BELLEVUE, Wash. — According to anonymous sources within the company, employees at Valve Software have been working grueling 100-hour work weeks on absolutely nothing at all.

“It’s been like this for months now, if not years,” one employee said in an email. “I only see the inside of my apartment when I’m there to sleep. I spend almost every waking hour in front of my desk working at a breakneck pace to hit all my deadlines for producing nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of my work and I couldn’t ask for a more fulfilling job, but when I look back at all of the critically acclaimed nothing I’ve contributed to, I can’t help but wonder if the serious tolls on my mental and physical health were worth it.”

Valve, a company known for prestigious games like Half-Life 2 and Portal, has shifted a majority of its development resources into nothing during recent years. Many employees relate similar stories of being guilted into staying long past their scheduled shifts by strict management expecting to see more nothing.

“I used to work late into the night and through weekends, meticulously going over design documents and concept sketches to piece together the perfect layout for a Left 4 Dead 2 map, but that was a long time ago,” a Valve senior staffer said. “Now, I’m working late into the night and through weekends, meticulously going over not a single document of any kind to piece together literally nothing.”

When reached for a statement regarding the treatment of workers, Valve’s public relations team responded with an email, which was blank.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Tarot Reader Not Sure How to Break It to Man That He’ll Be Stabbed by a Bunch of Swords

Posted on by Sari Beliak

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. –– Tarot reader Hannah Edwards was unsure how to tell fellow party-goer Randy Bartolo that he would reach his untimely death because of a freak accident in which he would be stabbed by a bunch of swords, concerned onlookers reported Friday.

“I’ve offered readings to strangers at parties for quite some time now, but I’ve never come across one this bad before,” said Edwards. “The first spread looked O.K., nothing too out of the ordinary –– the Moon, the Magician, the Three Of Cups –– but then the Ten of Swords came up and I had no idea what the fuck to do. Sure, I could just make the choice to not tell him about the whole stabbing thing and just say that card represents eternal wealth or something, but I feel a responsibility to give honest readings to clients. The cards weren’t clear on how the stabbings would happen, but I tried to warn him to stay away from cosplayers, medieval museums, or any guy that has a ponytail and visits Japan at least once a year.”

Guests reported Edwards’ entire demeanor changed when she realized Bartolo’s fate.

“Everyone was laughing and having a good time up until then,” said guest Elizabeth Shaw. “I’ve always been pretty skeptical about this kind of stuff, but as soon I saw her face when she turned that card over, I knew it was all over for Randy. It’s never good when someone spits out their drink in the middle of a tarot reading… and it’s especially bad when they pack up right after they’re done with you and then go cry in their car.”

Despite the ominous message, witnesses claim Bartolo remained calm throughout the reading and appeared fairly unaware of the severity of the cruel fate he’d been dealt.

“I don’t know if I necessarily believe in all this stuff,” he said. “I saw this weird woman at the party shuffling those cards and I thought it might be fun to ask a question. If anything, I’m just relieved to finally get confirmation that my girlfriend isn’t cheating on me.”

At press time, Bartolo excitedly announced he’d won a raffle and would receive free sword swallowing lessons at the adult education annex over the summer.

Aging Metal Fan Remembers When Songs Were About Simple Things Like Mounting a Golden Pegasus or Slaying Baphomets

Posted on by Tyler Dark

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Aging metal fan Donny Burton went on another tirade last night about the general state of metal, recalling a “better time” when songs were about winged beasts and demon underlords.

“When I hear what these kids are listening to nowadays, it makes me go ballistic,” said Burton, staring longingly at a poster of Dio riding a dragon made of fire. “Whatever happened to a nice 9-minute guitar solo, followed by an epilogue about traversing a mystical wood in search of a sword forged by a demon prince? I tell you, the ’80s were a simpler time, when all you needed was a thorough grasp of the entire Tolkien canon to appreciate metal.”

Burton’s distaste for metal’s evolution has taxed his personal life, affecting his relationships with friends and family members.

“My dad is so fucking lame,” remarked Burton’s son Clyde, for whom household tensions have reached a peak. “A dude should be able listen to Five Finger Death Punch in peace without some balding dipshit going on about Richie Blackmore’s Rainbow, whatever the fuck that is. He’s just stuck in the past. Nobody wants to hear songs about goblets anymore.”

The elder Burton is not alone, as a contingent of mythical creatures also miss being a part of the world of metal.

“It’d be nice to feel seen again,” lamented Xyfalthazon, Intergalactic Wizard and Harbinger of Star Explosions. “When I’m descending upon a tribe of Martian orc-slayers, I like to have a kickass jam playing as I march into battle. What’s the point of swinging a broadsword on Iced Earth if there isn’t a bard to sing the song of your triumph? It just feels like metal bands don’t care about us anymore.”

In happier news, both generations of Burtons are allegedly bonding over Norwegian black metal, on the grounds that neither of them can understand the lyrics at all.