Local Crossing Guard Fired Despite Near-Perfect Record

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

FRESNO, Calif. — Beloved local crossing guard Leona Cardwell was fired Wednesday after committing her first error in nearly 20 years on the job when she absentmindedly waved along a Hyundai Elantra into a group of fifth graders crossing the street, city officials confirmed.

“Everyone makes mistakes, but to fire someone who’s been at the top of their profession for decades the very first time she slips up? It’s ridiculous,” said Julie Adams, an English teacher at nearby Edmunds Middle School. “They don’t fire cops when they kill somebody — why should it be any different for crossing guards? Just put her on administrative leave for a few weeks and let her back out on the streets.”

Countless others — from former teachers, to coworkers, and even some local politicians — voiced their support for Cardwell. However, the most forceful defense came from Maria Perez, President of the California Crossing Guard Union.

“If we fire Ms. Cardwell, that sets a dangerous precedent for all other crossing guards across the country. We don’t want our traffic monitors second-guessing every choice they make: that could lead to two to three minute delays on a citizen’s commute. Plus, those students were playing hooky. Doesn’t that mean the superintendent should lose his job, too? Should their parents be locked up?” asked Perez while standing next to the intersection where the accident took place. “What happened to those children is unfortunate, but you shouldn’t cut off your nose to spite your face. There are hundreds of fifth graders at Edmunds, but there’s only one Leona.”

Cardwell, for her part, blames herself for setting such a high standard of excellence.

“It doesn’t make the news every time a child isn’t struck by a moving vehicle because a crossing guard did her job correctly, but the truth is that if it weren’t for me, kids would be flying across that intersection every single day,” said Cardwell while gardening outside her home. “These days, all it takes is one little mistake, and boom — your career is splattered all over the pavement. I just want to get back to my corner, with my Stop sign and high visibility vest, so I can continue to serve this community.”

In another stroke of bad luck for the embattled former crossing guard, Cardwell was fired from her side job at Hank’s Pizzeria last night after one measly oven fire happened to burn the restaurant to the ground.

If Corporations Are People, Then Why Can’t We Target Them With Drone Strikes?

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

In the United States, corporations enjoy many of the same rights as people — things like freedom of speech, the right to enter into contracts, and the ability to waste their money on Gary Johnson’s 2016 presidential campaign. Given how much they benefit from personhood, is it really so much to ask that the government treat them like its other citizens and start bombarding them with drone strikes?

I know what you’re thinking, “drone strikes are supposed to be reserved for terrorists in other countries, right?” Well, most of these corporations have already moved their headquarters abroad, and if charging $600 for designer jeans isn’t terrorism, then that word has lost all meaning. When you think about it, McDonald’s has killed more people than Al-Qaeda, anyway.

These radicalized corporations threaten our very way of life, and they must be stopped.

Think of all the problems it would solve. Who needs Congress when you can use AGM-114 Hellfire II missiles to break up monopolies? I bet Purdue Pharma would think twice before raising drug prices after one of those bad boys rips through their opioid laboratories. And do you really think Amazon will keep abusing their workers after the Air Force levels their new Virginia headquarters to the ground? If they do, it won’t take two days to ship another “package” to Bezos and his cronies.

That’s not to mention the new wave of innovation that corporate drone strikes would give rise to as companies seek to modernize their missile defense systems. With the fear of being extrajudicially blasted by heavy ordinance in play, suddenly corporations would have no choice but to prioritize the health and safety of their employees.

And honestly, why stop there? Corporations should have to deal with all the other bullshit that comes with being a person. Let’s see how Facebook likes it when we start selling their personal information to the highest bidder. I doubt Exxon Mobil would appreciate us sneaking into their homes and cranking up the thermostat. Why can’t Monsanto watch their grandmother die of cancer after years of exposure to their products?

If we really want to get crazy, we could even try making them pay taxes.

Joe Biden Buys Green Line 6 Delay Pedal, Fender Jazzmaster to Gain Midwest Emo Vote

Posted on by John Danek

WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden purchased a Fender Jazzmaster and green Line 6 DL4 delay pedal yesterday in a transparent effort to attract the highly coveted midwest emo vote, political analysts listening to The Promise Ring’s “Nothing Feels Good” on repeat confirmed.

“You see what I have here? It’s a Jazzmaster, which I got off some kid for practically nothing on Reverb. I walked right up to his front door, and I said, ‘Listen, Jack, I know real emo. I’ve got more Rites of Spring albums than you could shake a stick at,’ and you better believe I got that guitar,” explained Biden while hanging a Saddle Creek poster in his campaign headquarters. “Donald Trump is obviously a PRS-into-Peavey kinda guy. And our country needs someone with a lighter touch, a cleaner tone — someone who can really bring out America’s twinkly riffs. And that person is me.”

“And unlike our current president, I’m willing to try alternate tunings or stereo amp setups with my new Line 6 DL4 delay pedal,” Biden added. “I mostly use it for the loop function, but I’m game to reach across the aisle and change it to the tape echo setting on occasion.”

Campaign staff justified Biden’s midwest emo fandom as a lifelong devotion, and not just a ploy to attract a massive voting demographic.

“Joe used a Telecaster for years, but as time goes on, he realizes the need for change — just like his attitudes towards criminal justice legislation,” said campaign manager Jennifer O’Malley Dillon. “On his first day in office, Joe will designate the American Football house and lawn as a national park, then demand that the Get Up Kids’ ‘Something to Write Home About’ be entered into the National Recording Registry.”

However, the midwest emo community at large aren’t so trusting of Biden’s alleged passion for their beloved genre.

“Candidates pull this crap all the time. Voters saw right through Cory Booker’s lo-fi hip-hop side projects, and we won’t be fooled by Biden,” declared Polyvinyl Records founder Matt Lunsford. “Until I see Biden nailing some two-hand tapping runs and giving me feels like Appleseed Cast’s ‘Low Level Owl,’ I’m still writing in Bernie.”

Indeed, Biden has already received backlash for his appearance on the “Washed Up Emo” podcast, where he bizarrely stated that Cap’n Jazz tried to kill him with a switchblade at a swimming pool in 1962.

Tosh.0 Patched to Tosh.1

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

CULVER CITY, Calif. — Comedy Central announced in a press release this morning that their longrunning online video roundup show, Tosh.0, had finally been patched to Tosh.1, the first major update to the series in its 12-season run.

“We’re excited for our viewers to tune in and get to know all of the new features we’ve introduced in Tosh.1,” said David Fitz, Chief Technical Officer at Comedy Central Labs, the Viacom-funded startup responsible for developing Tosh.0. “The original build of the show will have a special place in our hearts for years to come, but with this new update comes dozens of quality-of-life improvements to help optimize the show on modern hardware and high-resolution TVs.”

The patch notes for the release note several bugs that have been fixed, including framerate enhancements and native 4K support. Gamers, who make up the majority of the show’s audience, have been positive about the news.

“I love Tosh, but his re-runs are basically unplayable on my PS4 Pro,” said user ExplodingPenguin on Reddit. “Maybe I’ll redownload the Comedy Central app and give Tosh.1 another go when the new season drops. But I’m gonna hold onto my old physical Tosh.0 DVDs because those are still playable on my PS2. I guess I’m kind of retro like that.”

At press time, several hours after the patch’s launch, fans were disappointed after observing that the new update also increases the number of ad breaks in each episode.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Fortnite Season 4 Map Adds Steve Jobs’ Grave

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

CARY, N.C. — The map for Fortnite’s upcoming 4th season has been revealed, and it features wacky new locations such as Twisted Tunnel, Rainbow Park, and Steve Jobs’ Grave.

“We’re so excited for Fortnite fans to find all the easter eggs we packed into this new map,” said Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney in a press release. “For example, if you use the new Piss emote while standing on top of Steve Jobs’ gravesite, you’ll pry some free V-Bucks straight from his cold, dead hands. It’s not like he can spend them in Hell, anyways!”

The pointed update comes in the middle of Epic Games’ heated legal dispute with Apple. In addition to the headstone, players can unlock the Black Turtleneck skin by dying 100 times throughout the season.

“This is immature, even by Epic’s standards,” vented Apple general counsel Katherine Adams. “We took them to court for unauthorized use of Mr. Jobs’ likeness, but Epic’s lawyers only submitted an incomplete version of the map as evidence, which sliced the location out entirely. They told the judge that the missing piece was Epic’s standard 30% cut of the evidence and that it was unreasonable for us to ask for the whole thing.”

Epic is hyping the upcoming season with a mysterious new ARG. Players reported that they’ve received a set of coordinates with instructions to show up at various locations with a black ski mask and bag of bricks. So far, all the coordinates correspond to Apple Stores around the world.

“I don’t really get what’s going on, but I want to play Fortnite on my phone again,” said 11-year-old Hugo Couture, while vandalizing the 57th Street Apple Store in New York City with a pickaxe. “I think Epic is going to pull out a 200 IQ case against Apple in court and sauce all over this Steve Jobs guy, whoever he is. Let’s effing go!”

Epic says it’s committed to lampooning Apple’s authoritarian practices with Fortnite’s new season, and assured fans that the games developers are working 70-hours a week to deliver on that promise.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Poison Berries Only Vegan Option on Camping Trip

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

MARIPOSA, Calif. — A camping trip almost turned tragic last week as militant vegan Sage Hellier nearly died when poisonous berries were the only vegan option available, sources enjoying mouth-watering bacon cheeseburgers report.

“I’ve been stuck in my house watching the same bullshit TV and staring at my phone for months, so when some friends said they were going camping, I figured I’d tag along,” noted Hellier while being airlifted to the ICU. “I figured the group would bring some veggie patties or soy curls, maybe some Oreos… but those fucking knuckledraggers only brought a cooler full of animal parts, so I was forced to go out and find my own food. There were a ton of these berries near our campsite that looked ripe and ready to eat, but as soon as I downed a handful it felt like my insides started eating themselves.”

Other trip participants claimed they repeatedly told Hellier he should bring enough of his own food for the one night trip.

“I really don’t know where his head was at. The group text for this trip was labeled ‘Meat in the Woods,’ and most of the chat revolved around how we all expected to have heart attacks from the amount of meat we planned on consuming in the 24 hours in the woods,” said trip planner Cayla Ross. “We even offered to stop at Wal-Mart on the way to let him grab stuff he needed, but he said he’d be fine and he’d just eat whatever we had — which is shitty anyway, but then he goes on this self-righteous tangent about providing vegan options and that ‘fishing’ is evil and I just wanted to tell the moocher to fuck off.”

While the overall response to the berry incident ranged from indifference to mockery, officials from PETA praised Hellier’s actions as commendable.

“Mr. Hellier’s actions of putting the well-being of our animal brethren ahead of his own should be praised, not mocked,” stated PETA President Ingrid Newkirk. “These camping trips are often just another way in which humans abuse and violate the rights of animals. If more Americans consumed potentially toxic, unidentifiable sources of food they find in the wilderness rather than eat an animal, this world would be a better place.”

At press time, Hellier was overheard lecturing a nurse about how hospital administrators should be ashamed of themselves for offering patients Jell-O as a snack.

Daffy Duck Opens Up About Painkiller Addiction After Years Of Having Beak Spun Around To Back Of Head

Posted on by James Webster

Chances are, you’re familiar with Daffy Duck. At time of writing, the funny fowl has been splitting sides over the course of an astounding 83 year career. However, recently Daffy had shown a different side of himself as he spoke candidly about his severe opioid addiction brought on by years of slapstick-sustained injuries.

“They say that dying is easy, comedy is hard. Those people have never taken one too many and felt the cold embrace of the shroud of darkness,” said Duck. “And all for some med-school punk in the back of an ambulance to say ‘what’s up, doc?’ on the way to the rehab facility. That wasn’t even my catchphrase. The humiliation. Unbelievable. If my beak wasn’t behind my face I would’ve blown him a raspberry like he’d never seen.”

Daffy, who speaks without his trademark lisp off the set, has been working himself to the bone on the press tour for his first big dramatic role, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Pork Rind,” a film in which Daffy receives surgery to erase all his memories of Porky Pig. During the tour, Daffy hasn’t been shy about letting interviewers in on his pain; emotional, physical, and sometimes metaphorical.

“I spent years on camera making people laugh by screaming ‘youuu’re deththpicable!’ But one day after an all-night bender, I took a long, hard look at myself in the mirror and realized ‘no, Daffy. ‘youuu’re deththpicable!’”

Others in the Looney Tunes community had noticed that Daffy had a problem, including one source we spoke to that wished to remain anonymous.

“Boy, I say, I say, the pills, the booze, the women. It all became too much for Daffy. That boy was more mixed up then a feather in a whirlwind,” said our unnamed source. “I’d been there. I was in a dark place, constantly self-sabotaging. I say, that’s the thing about drugs, they make you feel great, but in reality you’re about as sharp as a bowling ball. Now, that’s a joke, I say, that’s a joke, son.”

What’s next for Daffy? He plans on pitching a memoir entitled “Rabbit Season” in which he calls out Bugs Bunny for years of alleged abuse.

Therapist Helps Woman Realize She’s in Relationship with Toxic Avenger

Posted on by Krissy Howard

TROMAVILLE, N.J. — Local woman Daisy Oliynyk finally realized yesterday following a breakthrough in therapy that she is in a relationship with the Toxic Avenger, sources gently pushing a box of tissues toward the center of a table confirmed.

“Something’s been off with me for a while, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. My friends have all been trying to tell me that my boyfriend is toxic… but I just wasn’t able to see that they meant he literally fell into a pool of nuclear slime until my last session,” Oliynyk stated. “Then suddenly, it all made sense — the badly deformed face, the superhuman strength he developed overnight, all of the violent revenge killing he does in alleyways and fitness centers… God, it really is crazy just how much good dick will totally blind you to the truth that’s right in front of you. I feel so foolish.”

Oliynyk’s therapist, Dr. Jean Brasser, credits her client’s breakthrough to ongoing work, as well as analyzing photos of her partner before and after his chemical accident.

“I’ve been working with Daisy for nearly a year now, and we’ve mostly covered patterns in her relationships and how that may contribute to her underachieving financially. I’ve also been really encouraging her to take a look at how she’s dating an actual monster,” Dr. Brasser explained. “At one point I even printed out a photo of a barrel of toxic waste, pretended the before photo fell into it, and then had the after photo come out the other side, but she kept asking if this was a metaphor for the time her mom wouldn’t let her go on some camping trip. It’s been a process.”

Mental health experts confirm that denial and deflection are common traits when involved in relationships with the Toxic Avenger.

“Oftentimes, denial is used as armor to protect a person from facing truths they simply can’t bear,” said clinical psychologist Dr. Amanda Choi. “This is especially true for people in Toxic Avenger partnerships, who can often be seen idealizing his penchant for justice and entirely ignoring the weird mop he carries with him everywhere. Regardless, he’s still more emotionally mature and available than the majority of straight men, so all in all, it’s not the worst thing a person could waste their early 30s on.”

When reached for comment, the Toxic Avenger grunted incoherently and shook dust off of his badly burned tutu.

My Dad Didn’t Die for Our Country Just for a Bunch of Liberals to Ruin It. He Died From Alcoholism

Posted on by Ted Pillow

America is being destroyed by the liberal elite and it makes me absolutely sick. And it would’ve made my dad sick, too. After all, he didn’t die for our country just for it to be ruined by a generation of communist snowflakes. He died because every night after work he drank an entire 12-pack of Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas.

My father was a hell of a man. He came from a generation that believed, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” So he didn’t ask for hand-outs like some commie Bernie Bro. No, he served this great nation the best way he knew how: by getting rejected from the military for public lice and becoming the assistant manager of a Lady Foot Locker.

Every night I watch FOX News and think what my dad would say if he found out about bailout funds or universal healthcare. Probably something like, “Turn this shit off and see if ‘Monday Night Raw’ is on.” He was a severe alcoholic and did not follow current events. And he never seemed to grasp that “Monday Night Raw” only airs on Monday nights. But I don’t let those little details stop me from using his memory to prop up my own beliefs.

My dad wasn’t perfect, but I can’t blame him for his shortcomings. He didn’t have an easy life like these Gen Z softies. And he sure as shit didn’t get his goddamn legs amputated in Nam just so you could use a gender-neutral bathroom! He got his legs amputated in Wisconson after filming an unsolicited “Jackass” audition tape in 2002 at the age of 54.

So sure, technically speaking, my dad didn’t die in the line of duty or anything. Whatever! He was still a patriot at heart and you better believe he bled red, white, and blue. And also phosphorescent green, on account of all the Lime-a-Ritas.

Lonely Guy Won’t Stop Sending Unsolicited Band Recs

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

CHICAGO — Local music aficionado Jeff Riley stands accused today of repeatedly sending unsolicited band recommendations to multiple irritated acquaintances, local authorities report.

“This asshole has me living in constant fear of even checking my phone ever since I told him I really liked Eels’ album ‘Beautiful Freak,’” said Cameron Holt, a frequent target of Riley. “Now whenever I get a text alert, I know it’s just going to be him telling me if I like that one, I should check out The Beta Band’s ‘Three E.P.s’ or Mercury Rev. If I’d known my life was going to become a living hell of heavily curated playlists and song suggestions, I would’ve avoided him at any cost. I live in hell because of this nerd.”

Riley, for his part, does not feel he did anything wrong and was simply attempting to engage in conversation.

“I’m not really sure why people are acting like I’m the bad guy here — all I’m trying to do is make sure everyone I know is up to date with current bands, and know which Jawbreaker albums are best,” said the loner while compiling yet another top 10 list nobody asked for. “Yeah, I like music a lot, and often click with people based on that fact, but it’s not like I’m forcing them to listen to this stuff. If they don’t want me sending them song or band recommendations, they can just tell me to stop. I’m not a mind reader, for Christ’s sake.”

Criminologists and music experts, however, note that this sort of behavior lies in a grey area.

“Loner weirdos like Riley often have trouble interacting with people and may not know what constitutes appropriate or inappropriate behavior,” said Ryan Dombal of Pitchfork. “Despite best intentions, what may seem like innocent advice or just being friendly can be seen as an attack on the other person’s musical taste, or not being able to discover new music for themselves. Obviously, the way I do it is different, and I’m not like this guy. I mean, I’m an expert, so naturally you’re going to want my input.”

At press time, Riley was taking a break from making playlists to return to misogynistically troll journalists on Reddit.