The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on September 10, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

Hello commenters and commentees! Doing this column every week, I’ve grown to enjoy reading through everyone’s comments and seeing the enthusiasm that you all bring to our community here on the internet. That being said, comments are not always people showering you with praise and affection (I was surprised to learn!).

That’s what I found this week when Hard Drive had the audacity go after the most vulnerable group on the internet: successful male YouTubers, such as Nick Robinson.

5. Gamer Disgusted to Discover They Just Watched Nick Robinson Video

Hard Drive was posted to the notorious GamerGate sub r/KotakuInAction and boy were they upset about it. But wait… make sure you stop watching Nick Robinson’s videos, Sodiummuffin, because it seems he “falsely” smeared himself by confirming the allegations. Also, I can confirm that we at Hard Drive do not support any kind of GamerGate, and we instead propose a GamerFence, with exciting features like “no exit” with which we can trap GamerGaters so they never bother innocent people again.

4. Opinion: Pikmin 3 Deluxe Re-Release Comes Just in Time to Teach Children the Value of Mass Sacrifice

I have a lot of theories about the future. For example, I’m confident that track and field is going to become the most important extracurricular activity of the next generation, because it will ensure your child is fast enough to not be left alone on Mars’ surface at the end of the work day. If you can do anything to increase their tolerance to being electrocuted, too, that would ensure them excellent job security — for multiple reasons.

3. Boyfriend Can’t Find the Crit

“Adventuring couple seeking (metaphorical) unicorn to find the most elusive treasure of all- the female orgasm. Supports to the front. If you are in our adventuring guild, mind your own business.”

2. God Admits It’s Kinda Gay to Create Dudes

First of all, there’s nothing I love than seeing gamers work together. It’s beautiful to see what happens when we turn our guns and Fortnite blueprints away from each other and instead work towards a common goal. It brings a tear to my eye. Second of all, I would like to point out the validity of the statement these gamers constructed. You may laugh, but new research shows that 100% of gay people do in fact exist. Science, huh? I know that it’s scary for many gamers to confront, but the sooner we rip off that bandage the better.

1. The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week (9/4/2020)

Sean, I saw the bribe that you sent me and I do appreciate it, but a $10 GameStop gift card is just not enough to change the format of the article. By the time I put on a mask and get to the store, they’ll be filing for bankruptcy.

Thank you so much everyone for your comments this week, everybody. I’m honored to collect them, so that 30 years in the future you can buy your children a Coil subscription and show them that you used to be cool. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

We Sat Down With Steve Albini and He Spent the Whole Interview Criticizing Our Microphone Placement

Posted on September 10, 2020 by John Bukovac

When the opportunity arose to speak with producer, engineer, and musician Steve Albini, we spared no expense making sure our questions were up to par with the legend himself. As diehard Steve Albini fans, known as “Albini-Babies,” we took extra time and care into our questions. We’re talking Nardwuar levels, here. Too bad we couldn’t get to any of those questions because cranky-ass old man Steve kept barking at us for placing the microphones wrong even though it’s only an interview. Jesus fucking Christ.

The Hard Times: Hi Steve! Sorry. Hello Mr. Albini. We’re huge fans. First, we want to thank you so much for taking the time to chat with us.

Steve Albini: Yeah, no problem. Hey, are you gonna keep that mic there?

Uh, I mean, I guess we don’t have to. Maybe we can put it over by the wall? You tell us, you’re the expert. Haha!

No, what the fuck are you doing? Are you some kind of idiot? An SM57 by the wall? Do you want it to sound like mud?

Uh, it… umm. How about here?

Why the fuck are you putting it there? How are you gonna make the kick drum sound like someone slapping a raw ham if you put it up so high?

Kick drum? There’s no ki-

Jesus, you fuckin’ goon. Give it to me. Give me the fucking microphone.

I don’t know if I can give it to you. I think I’m supposed to keep it so I can-

Look, I’m running this fucking session. Let me show you how to do it.

Pretty sure we booked this interview.

I can change your fuckin’ diaper when I’m done getting this snare to ring like a microwave at 2 AM! Now gimme that damn microphone!

We lost the rest of the interview because he made us sit 8 feet away from the mic and shout everything. After all that, he put our vocals so low in the mix that it’s barely audible over the electric mandolin.

That said, the audio of the interview got a 7.6 on Pitchfork and now we have a record deal with Sub Pop. Thanks, Steve!

5’3″ Goth 6’2″ in Shoes

Posted on September 10, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local single Tomas Hart was stunned to learn yesterday that Marianne Shaw, a goth woman with whom he’s shared three dates, stood barely over five feet tall when she removed her boots with massive platforms.

“I don’t mind that she’s only 5’3”. I’m closer to Danzig in height than I am to Peter Steele, so I’m not looking for someone who towers over me,” Hart said while examining the gigantic, buckled boot. “It’s just that I feel lied to. Her Tinder profile said she was over 6’, and when we met, she was. I didn’t think to look at her shoes to see if they added 11 fucking inches. I was probably too distracted by the neon gas mask she was wearing when she entered the restaurant.”

Shaw, however, doesn’t feel that she deceived Hart at all.

“I am goth, and therefore my outfit is an extension of who I am. I consider my boots to be as much of a part of me as my naturally black lips,” Shaw said while cinching up her leather bustier. “I also believe the black wings tattooed on my back give me the gift of flight. I need a man who will take me for who I am — all of me, not just the fishnets and choker. I feel like his insecurities are really showing. I didn’t once mention that I knew his canine teeth were capped to look like fangs, but I guess he’s O.K. with that double standard.”

For their part, goth shoemaker SuccuBoots is proud of their work and stands by it.

“Boot technology has grown leaps and bounds since the Bauhaus days,” said SuccuBoots cobbler Elizabeth Ortega. “New laboratory-produced materials make for stronger instructional integrity, allowing boot soles to be measured in feet, not inches. Creative lacing and coloration also creates an optical illusion to hide the true height of the shoe. In 10 years time, you’ll have no idea where the shoe ends and the goth begins.”

Sadly, Shaw broke things off with Hart this morning after falling for a goth man who stands over 7’ tall with his top hat on.

Photo by Ryan Danley.

We Visited Facebook Jail and Found a Bunch of Malnourished Uncles in Cages

Posted on September 10, 2020 by Dan Rice

Like many of you, we here at The Hard Times got sick and tired of hearing our racist loser uncles complain about being in Facebook jail. With sentences ranging from 24 hours to two weeks, and with our uncles posting pseudo-death-threats/calling #blacklivesmatter a terrorist organization, the punishment seemed if anything to be too light. We decided to pop in and visit Facebook jail just to see what all the fuss was about.

What we saw will haunt us for the rest of our natural lives.

Tattered “Infowars” bumper stickers on the walls. Oakley mirrored wraparounds with cracked lenses hanging on bitter, canceled faces. Un-koozied Miller High Lifes baking on the dirt floor. These are but a few of the harrowing images that assault you when first entering Facebook’s detainment facility.

Within minutes droves of lifers were rattling the chain links, desperately hounding us for news from the outside world. “What did Rogan say last week?” “Is Jordan Peterson Okay?” “Did they finish building the wall?” One inmate burst into tears right in front of us, shamefully confessing that he was beginning to forget details of Tucker Carlson’s face.

“This is a modern-day Auschwitz!“ Shouted an anonymous uncle somewhere in the sea of cages. He then shouted a bunch of stuff about how the real Auschwitz never actually happened.

“It was a joke! Shouted another. “It was funny because I DON’T think Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez should be publicly humiliated and executed!”

Many of the racist uncles we saw appeared underfed, and it’s no surprise why; The nearest Dunkin Donuts is 26 miles away and it’s in a gas station. Even if someone was making a run every morning there is no way they were getting enough bacon egg and cheese croissantwiches and iced coffee vanilla light and sweets to meet the nutritional needs of these moronic racists.

It doesn’t stop at detainment either. During processing, Uncles are separated from their drinking buddies. To date, Facebook has lost track of nearly 1500 drinking buddies.

Not only were these right-wingers filthy and malnourished, but many were also in need of medical attention. We witnessed an uncle keeled over on the ground going through Alpha Brain withdrawal, struggling to remember why Kyle Rittenhouse was a hero like some weird racist “Flowers For Algernon.”

This is the human cost of online community standards. Is it worth it? After talking to a bunch of Facebook banned uncles for 20 minutes all we can say is, emphatically yes.

Frontman Quickly Closes Rhymezone Tab When Friend Walks Into Room

Posted on September 10, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Clint Herrera, the songwriter and lead singer for local punk band Dios Muerte, frantically tried to close a Rhymezone browser tab yesterday when his friend and bandmate walked into the living room unannounced, slightly embarrassed sources report.

“I walked into the room, and he clicked like crazy and then just slammed the screen closed. It was so obvious — I knew what he was doing. I even caught that he was trying to find a rhyme for the word ‘Capitalism,’” said drummer Elijah Murray, struggling not to laugh. “I mean, we all do it; he has nothing to be embarrassed about. That isn’t to say I’m not going to raz him about it — he got super uncomfortable when I asked him where he came up with the term ‘Capitol Prison.’ But for sure, I’m going to clear my throat or something before walking in the room from now on.”

Herrera refuses to admit that he was attempting to use the internet to find a rhyme for his lyrics.

“I don’t use a rhyming dictionary or any other aid to write my songs,” Herrera said, closing his lyrics journal. “I was just, you know… checking to see if someone used that line already. I don’t want to be accused of stealing. I don’t need those sites to help me be creative.”

“I was actually trying to go to the MimeZone,” he added, “because it has hardcore pornograhy involving mimes, and that’s my fetish.”

Psychologist Penny Underwood, Ph.D. believes that as a culture, we have to start normalizing this behavior.

“We start experimenting with songwriting and poetry as soon as we enter puberty, and we need to teach our children that there’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Underwood said, showing that she herself has bookmarked Rhymezone and Thesaurus.com on her own computer. “To assume that our brains can just come up with the perfect word or turn of phrase in the spur of the moment is unhealthy and dangerous. Exploration of the English language should be encouraged at a young age.”

Herrera has since started hanging a bandana on the doorknob if he was in his bedroom being creative.

Contrarian Having Great 2020

Posted on September 9, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

PHOENIX — Despite his entire social circle being overcome with anxiety, dread, and financial instability for most of the calendar year thus far, unwavering contrarian Davey Garrett predictably reported that he was having a superb 2020.

“Actually, this year isn’t as bad as everyone says it is, there are a ton of great things to be happy about,” Garrett said, citing some news reports you probably haven’t even heard of. “For example, did you know that since so many people have been working from home, that we’re actually making a much smaller impact on the environment? So when you think about it, this year is just horribly misunderstood, and actually deserves a lot of credit. Like the last season of The Office, which most people don’t realize is the best one.”

Several sources within Garrett’s social circle confirmed that his most distinct personality trait is his consistent disagreement with generally accepted viewpoints, both within the group and society as a whole.

“It never stops,” said Katy Langley, a friend of Garrett’s. “The other night we were just having a friendly chat about DC movies versus Marvel movies, just bullshitting, and he comes in out of nowhere and says that he actually prefers the films adapted from Image comics. Then he started talking about the cinematography in Tank Girl and I just muted the chat for a while. I know how he gets.”

In addition to his opinions on the world at large, Garrett was reportedly having an exceptional year on a personal level as well.

“Yeah things are going really great for me this year,” said the smug asshole. “The amusement park my dad owns opened back up, so in addition to height requirements and cutting in line, I can bust people for masks and social distancing now too. Making sure nobody enjoys anything too much is a real passion of mine, and it’s great to get back to work.”

“The mask thing is total bullshit, though,” he added.

As of press time, Garrett was seen scolding some people he heard raving about the recently released Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2, telling them that Kelly Slater’s Pro Surfer was the superior title.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Microsoft Announces Xbox All Access Will Now Include a PS5

Posted on September 9, 2020 by Andy Holt

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft announced that the new Xbox All Access monthly subscription would include an Xbox Series X console, EA Play, Game Pass, Xbox Live and also a PS5.

“The message we wanted to send with Xbox All Access is that we will stop at nothing to get every single human being on Earth to sign up for Game Pass. We heard some people might not do it because they prefer the PS5, so we decided to just buy them one,” said Phil Spencer, VP of Gaming at Microsoft. “Will you sign up for Game Pass now? We want it so bad.”

Analysts were impressed with the move, calling it a major victory in the console wars.

“It’s an unconventional move, buying millions of consoles from your competitor and essentially handing them out for nothing,” said Gale Finch, Professor of Economics at Wharton. “But since the sole operating principle of Microsoft is to make Game Pass such a good deal that you feel guilty for not signing up, it’s smart actually.”

Sony stans were outraged at the news.

“I don’t care what it comes with, I would never buy an Xbox. It’s shitty and a total ripoff, and doesn’t even have the good games. No way. I love paying more money for less stuff,” said local gamer Tess Robbins. “It’s what real gamers do.”

Microsoft will also sell the PS5 as a standalone. They would not reveal the price, but they did confirm it would be less than whatever Sony ends up charging.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Fistfight Weirdly Quiet

Posted on September 9, 2020 by Krissy Howard

PENSACOLA, Fla. — A fistfight moments ago between local punks Deandra Ybarra and Carrie Wilks was described by all watching as “unexpectedly quiet and weird,” according to sources still in awe of how that actually happened.

“I got super pumped when Dee pushed Carrie, and I knew some shit was gonna go down… but I realized pretty quickly that I hadn’t actually seen a fight in real life, and that real fights are way less cool than the ones in movies and on ‘Maury,’” said eyewitness Molly Sisson. “No one had any great one-liners about kicking ass, but I think I heard Dee say, ‘go’ or ‘God’ or something… but it could’ve just been a grunt. I don’t know. Carrie got a few good shots in, but there was like, a bizarre stillness in the air that was very unsettling. It was like, extra human or something.”

Bystanders weren’t the only ones put off by the deafening silence of the scrap.

“I sort of thought my first fight would be more exciting, but it was mostly just a ton of breathing. I guess I assumed punching sounded more cool, but my mom dropped some raw chicken on the ground once and it kinda sounded more like that,“ Ybarra recalled. “I’m not sure how long it lasted, but it felt like it could have been anywhere from 10 seconds to 30 minutes, I really can’t be sure. Either way, it was definitely the most intimate thing I’ve ever experienced, and I really hated it so much.”

Self defense expert Donte Woodward confirmed that the reality of fights often leaves everyone involved sorely disappointed.

“Many people think that getting into fights involves physically impossible yet very cool-looking moves supplemented by 15-second clips of aggressive music, and while some fights can be violent, many are decidedly cringe-inducing, at best,” Woodward explained. “Real-life fights more often include awkward grabbing, slipping, guttural whimpering, and what may quite possibly be the most awkward eye contact any person may ever be subjected to.”

“It’s especially sad when you don’t have a crowd willing to yell the action on,” added Woodward. “Teenagers will typically whoop and yell, while adults will sit back quietly and hope nobody hits their head on the pavement.”

At press time, both Ybarra and Wilks were explaining to their respective friend groups how brutally they just kicked the other’s ass, assuring everyone that they “wished you could have seen it.”

Manowar Member on Date Looks Nothing Like His Album Cover Pic

Posted on September 9, 2020 by Rob Steinberg

AUBURN, N.Y. — Local woman Courtney Richmond was disappointed yesterday to discover her date, Manowar bass player Joey DeMaio, looked nothing like his album cover pic.

“For a guy screaming ‘Death to False Metal,’ he sure had no problem using misleading pics,” Richmond reported. “Look, the guy’s in good shape for his age, but I was promised bulging muscles, swollen pecs, ripped abs — you know, like those ones where the veins are about to freakishly burst because they’re taking too much steroids? That’s the kind of man I was promised. This had to be an old album cover; his jet black hair is looking a little grey these days.”

DeMaio admitted the photos might not be completely accurate, but stood by his choices.

“I mean, we haven’t released an album since 2014, but that photo is a great representation of who I am,” DeMaio said. “Sure, the particular photo she saw of me wielding the lightning conjuring hammer and yanking those rib cages out of soldiers in battle are a bit dated. But just the other day, I was standing shirtless on top of a mountain holding a sword, and I never felt better. I think she’s the one being shallow.”

Administrators for Turbo Lovers, the dating site that facilitated their meeting, noted that this is a very common occurrence.

“We here at Turbo Lovers, the web’s premiere site for single shredders, apologize for any problems that may have occurred through our product,” said the dating site’s PR representative Derek Willow. “While we cannot force any of our users to upload their most recent photos, we have had multiple complaints regarding Mr. DeMaio — for one, a quick scan of his pictures showed his pet eagle with a six pack, which doesn’t seem possible. Plus, he used other tricks, like using group photos so you can’t tell which one he is. We will be suspending his account, just like we did with that guy from Molly Hatchet.”

Richmond and DeMaio still tried hooking up, but were unable to due to a metal spiked codpiece protecting DeMaio’s crotch.

Facebook Algorithm Keeps Recommending Anti-Vaxxer Groups to People Who Have Already Died

Posted on September 9, 2020 by James Knapp

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Facebook officials discovered a glitch in the platform’s algorithm last week, in which anti-vaccination propaganda pages are being recommended to the accounts of users who had already died horribly and pointlessly from entirely preventable diseases.

“We designed the algorithm to connect users with likeminded people, and to help foster a sense of community. It’s just kind of an unintended side effect that one of them is a community of corpses,” explained coder Paul Stockton. “We do delete user profiles after a certain period of inactivity, but by that point they’ve usually been added to, on average, 30 to 40 groups that just reshare the same memes about mercury and that one discredited study about autism. I admit it’s unfortunate, but at least it shows the algorithm is working.”

Facebook user and anti-vax “truther” Joan Goodspeed praised several recommended groups which she claims “really opened [her] eyes.”

“I can’t believe what a mindless sheep I was before, blindly listening to what all those corrupt doctors and smug scientists advised,” said a pallid and emaciated Goodspeed in between bouts of coughing up blood onto a soiled pillowcase. “Without open-minded groups like ‘The Big Pharma Fighters’ and ‘No Needle, No Problem,’ I would never have known that you can prevent virtually any illness with a daily routine of two tabs of consolidated squid ink and a bone meal enema.”

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerburg gave his perspective on the post-mortem activity on the platform.

“People use Facebook so that they can feel close to others around the world — whether that be close family, old friends, or just a bunch of nutballs who believe that protecting their children against easily preventable diseases is somehow a deep state conspiracy,” he said. “I personally believe it would be irresponsible to censor these groups or alter our algorithm in any way.”

“Plus, we still get the ad revenue for as long as those accounts stay active,” added Zuckerburg.

Facebook’s algorithm was also found to disproportionally recommend holocaust denial pages to users incarcerated for assault and battery.

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