Whomp Forced to Show Up for Guard Duty Despite Serious Back Injury

Posted on by Gabe Wood

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A guard in Bowser’s army was forced to show up for his shift even though he had suffered a massive injury to his back, sources say.

Whomp, the guard in question, said that he’d developed a massive bone fracture on his spine after a slip and fall in his home. When he asked his manager for the day off, he was told that sick day requests require 24 hours notice, so it would count as an unexcused absence and he would be penalized and possibly fired.

“I didn’t have any alternatives,” Whomp said. “I can’t afford to lose this gig, so I got my roommate to put two big Band-Aids on my back and went in. I don’t know if that actually helped, but I figured it’s better than nothing.”

As Whomp sustained his injury while off-duty, he doesn’t believe he will qualify for workers compensation. Since he is only scheduled to work 35 hours a week, he doesn’t receive paid time off or health benefits. Whomp expressed concern that if his injury got worse, he would be unable to perform the basic duties of his job, which include walking on patrols and smashing intruders with his face/body by falling onto the floor really hard.

Whomp’s manager, Whomp King (no relation), came under fire for his decision, but defended his actions by claiming he was just following company policy. “This job is at-will employment and I hold all the guards to the same standard which is clearly laid out in the standard-issue employee handbook,” said Whomp King. 

“Hell, I even went through the same thing years ago when I was a guard,” Whomp King continued. “Cracked my back, didn’t have the time or money to get it fixed, but I toughed it out. Now thanks to my hard work, I’m a supervisor and I can afford to manage the excruciating pain it causes me every day.”

Another worker for Bowser’s army, Chuckya, said that Whomp’s situation is common. “A lot of my coworkers mess up their bodies working here. I have tendinitis myself because my job involves throwing stuff a lot,” Chuckya said. “I can’t believe my boss expects me to do a job that involves throwing fat Italian guys around all day but won’t give me health insurance.”

When asked what his takeaway from all this was, Whomp said, “I think situations like mine show that us guards need to demand better treatment from Bowser. Our lives are worth more than this, even if technically you’d only get five coins for defeating me.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Gamer’s Left Thumb Sore From Sprinting All Day

Posted on by Brett McCabe

WATERTOWN, Mass. — Local gamer Terence Vallee has been pushing his body well past its comfort level during gaming sessions, leaving his left thumb incredibly sore due to the amount of running.

“I’m sprinting five miles and swimming one every day, at least,” said Vallee, in reference to the different activities pressing the left thumbstick triggers in the various first person shooters he plays all day. “I’ve been doing all out sprints, intervals, planks, squats, crawling around by mistake, you name it. I get why they call gamers e-athletes; I had to start wearing a headband while gaming.”  

Vallee has recently undertaken a new gaming fitness regime, having two or three sessions a day and limiting himself to just one tray of Bagel Bites and two 20oz Diet Pepsis a day. The Discord dedicated to his progress has been enthusiastically supportive of him.

“We are noticing the difference in Terence and the dedication he’s given to his Far Cry regimen has really inspired the boys,” said a user going by the name “FartHerder” in the channel. “It sucks that his thumb is sore right now because we were supposed to play some expeditions tonight. I understand that he wants until it’s fully healed to get back out there. If he learns to stretch properly, he could really cap out his sprint perks one day.”

In addition to the Far Cry series, Vallee has also been putting reps in such titles as Borderlands, Wolfenstein. He says he hopes to one day reach the fitness level of someone able to climb mountains in Death Stranding.

“I’ve struggled with my image of myself as a gamer since I was too out of shape to finish Doom on the original PlayStation,” he explained. “By the later levels, my hand was too fatigued to properly sprint through certain parts, and my girlfriend said she could never take me seriously witnessing it. She said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but she had another boyfriend a week later. It was the Doom, thing, I know it.”

Pushing forward, Vallee’s goal is to be able to compete in the Olympic Games with Mario & Sonic. Those who wish to pursue his story can do so by following his fitness journey Instagram.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

We Sat Down With Mastodon to See What the Atlanta Scene Was Like During the Pleistocene Epoch

Posted on by Zac Lux

We had the opportunity to talk with Mastodon and get the nitty-gritty of what they had to deal with getting up during the Pleistocene Epoch.

Now we realize they likely haven’t spoken to humans since two and half million to 11 thousand years ago, so thanks to the help of a crash course on Neanderthal linguistics on YouTube, we were able to make them feel as comfortable as possible during our interview.

Hard Times: So, thank for join. You make boom boom sound in Atlantis with dinobuddies. Good?
Mastodon: Are you asking us how we got started? Well it was a pretty rough year for all of us, you know some of the guys were down here from up north so not only are you trying to make it as a musician, you’re also learning how this new city operates. We were all just kids crashing on couches and all that. It was tough, but we came to find we had a pretty solid chemistry and were able to cut our teeth well in the scene.
Many predator try eat you? Beware, ware, ah-tahhh?
Well I guess you always have to look out for the record labels, right? At the beginning, we were so naive, it was really hard to distinguish what was a good deal for us and what was just screwing us over. We were lucky to be able to sign with Relapse. That was one of the most exciting moments of our career.
Yes, I see now. How many time you protect herd? You travel in packs?
Uhhh… Our bus was broken into a couple of times? Turns out it was just Brent, who has his own bus.
You migrate to make thunder crash?
Are… Are you ok? Are you asking if we went on tour? Yes we went on tour, more heavily after we put out Leviathan. Supporting Slipknot and Slayer, that was really cool. After that, it seemed a lot more possible that maybe we could turn this into a full-time thing.
Gods supply your tribe?
Ok so we did get sponsorship deals on some tours, yes. Though it was mostly from amplifier and beer brands. Brann is a big fan of Genesee Beer. They were able to supply us with a lot of beers for most of our tours so that was fun. 
Thank you for sun time. Gift for you.
Dude, is that a truck full of various shrubs and tree branches? Are you expecting us to eat that or something? No, please. Don’t dump that in the yard man, the homeowners association will freaking kill me! Brent! No get away from it, Brent! You can’t smoke that stuff!

NRA Member Rises Up Against Tyrannical Costco Employee

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

MURRAY, Utah — Card-carrying member of both the NRA and Costco’s premium membership Greg Young was forced to leave the bulk-grocery chain this past Wednesday, thanks to his refusal to wear a facemask in accordance with Costco company policy.

“As an American, and a Utahn, no one has the right to tell me to leave a public place because I’m not wearing a mask and also carrying a semi-automatic firearm. You’re saving money, sure, but you’re vulnerable when shopping in bulk,” said Young. “I appreciate the security that comes with bringing my AR-15. Does that make me a bad person? In the eyes of the liberals at Costco, yes, it does. And it’s all because the mainstream media is pushing these ‘facemasks’ on us to test our compliance.”

A Costco spokesperson expressed disappointment for the way the situation played out, but stood firmly behind their employees.

“We believe Costco greeter Alex Morales was in the right, as he was enforcing a company-wide policy that requires all who enter Costco to wear facemasks. We put this policy into place on the basis of science, and do not see it as Costco taking a political stance,” said Costco Director of Operations Samantha Clemm. “The claim that Mr. Young was asked to leave because he was carrying a firearm is false: Costco permits open carry in all of our locations where legal, and does not stand in the way of customers exercising their Second Amendment rights.”

Despite Costco’s statement, NRA communications manager James Hirsch is convinced there was a bias at play.

“We are disgusted by Costco’s flagrant disregard for Mr. Young’s constitutional right to bear arms, and believe he and other proud gun owners should boycott the chain, or take a stand against this injustice however they see fit,” Hirsh said. “We’re in the middle of a damn crisis, and the only way to get things back to normal is protecting yourself and everyone around you with lethal weaponry.”

At press time, a group of unmasked men clad in tactical gear and khakis had gathered in front of the Costco with military grade weapons and extensive shopping lists.

Help! I’m Pretty Good at My Job and It’s Ruining My Music Career

Posted on by Jon Swihart

Boy, is my life in shambles these days. I just got promoted to district manager of Omega Printz and it’s been a huge disaster. Not because I’m struggling. I’m actually killing it in my new position. Only problem is, I’m great at my job and it’s preventing me from advancing my music career.

My purpose here on Earth isn’t to deliver quality printing at affordable prices. It’s to take my hardcore/ska band, East of Under, to the top!

Like I said, I’m actually kind of good at my job and it’s taking up more and more of my time. I started working at Omega Printz because I thought it’d be an easy job where I could slack off and score some free show flyers but now I practically run the place. Corporate keeps entrusting me with more responsibility and much to my horror, I’m apparently up for the challenge.

These days, I’m going to fewer shows, jumping in fewer pits, and not drinking nearly as much because I actually care if I’m hungover the next day. How am I supposed to participate in the scene if I’m not abusing my mental and physical health several nights a week?

And don’t get me started on my rock star image. Being a competent, reliable worker may be good for business but it’s not good for my reputation as a ne’er-do-well outcast from society. People now see me as a pillar of the community instead of an explicit detraction from it. I keep trying to leave early but my employees keep asking for nights off to play shows in their shitty bands too.

As much as I enjoy the perks of a stable job like the ability to obtain food consistently, I can’t help but worry Ill regret it if I never dedicate myself to being a dancing ska guy full time.

Pop-Punk Frontman Worried His Girlfriend’s School Re-Opening Too Soon

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

MASPETH, N.Y. — Skull Valley frontman Jeremy Cesiro is worried his underage girlfriend would be put in danger by her returning to high school in two weeks, slightly creeped out witnesses protesting outside the school alongside the pop-punk singer confirmed.

“My girlfriend Rosa might only be 17, but she’s very mature for her age, and who knows how coronavirus affects people like her,” said the 25-year-old Cesiro. “She doesn’t realize she doesn’t have to do whatever adults tell her to, and that I could teach her so much more about the world than any school. Plus, since she’s been in a quarantine pod with me and my band, she’s the only one who can watch us practice. I don’t know who we’d play for if she got sick, and I really miss the crowd.”

Multiple witnesses report Cesiro held a sign that read “Protect Our Girls,” and asked school faculty members if the girls volleyball team would be resuming practice, and if so, when that might be.

“I don’t understand why he was at the protest,” said Maureen Nollen, the school’s gym teacher. “He was too old to be a student, but too young to be a parent. I told him I didn’t know yet if we’d have volleyball this year, but then he asked me about other sports, like soccer and softball. And when I told him I didn’t know about those either, he said I should watch his Valley Skulls or whatever on Twitch, because they do a nightly stream.”

“He was wearing a mask the whole time, which I appreciated,” Nollen added, “but his mask read, ‘I’d Rather Be Eating Pussy,’ which I found upsetting.”

Notably absent from the protest were Rosa’s parents, Milo and Donna Melia, who aren’t convinced that reopening schools is a bad idea.

“If I know for eight hours, every day, that my daughter is in school, that’s eight hours I know she’s not spending that awful boyfriend of hers,” said Donna Melia. “Of course I’m worried about coronavirus, but let me ask you: what’s scarier? Coronavirus, or your 17-year-old daughter dating a 25-year-old musician? We’re telling her to go to school without a mask on, because if they can’t see each other for two weeks, odds are good he’ll move on to some other teenager, and that’s her parents’ problem.”

While Rosa could not be reached for comment, we were anonymously sent a post on her finsta where she admitted to dating Cesiro because he has “really good weed.”

Review: Battletoads Is Another Perfect Game for the Pandemic Like the Last 10 Games We’ve Played

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

2020 has been a weird year, to say the least. With no end to the COVID-19 pandemic in sight, entertainment has become more important than ever. Fortunately, the new Battletoads remake is the perfect game for this moment, just like every single other game we’ve reviewed during quarantine.

Dlala Studios’ new Battletoads game isn’t simply a slick, colorful brawler that modernizes a rusty cult classic. By releasing the game in the midst of a global health crisis, Battletoads becomes a much needed trip down memory lane. As I revisited the classic motorbike level, I couldn’t help but think about my childhood; a carefree time where I wasn’t trying to shoehorn every piece of media I consumed under the lens of completely unrelated current events.

It’s the kind of experience that anxious players could use right now, similar to Animal Crossing: New Horizons. In our review of that game, we noted that, “Animal Crossing comes at exactly the right time; when we could all use a calm, desert island getaway.” We less convincingly made the same case in our Clubhouse Games: 51 Worldwide Classics review, where we said the Switch game was “a bold reminder that you should own board games, because you never know when you will be stuck inside.”

Even with its gentle escapism, it’s hard to fully forget the grim reality that we face today. When I choose Rash from the character select screen, I’m instantly reminded of the horrible disease killing thousands of people in America every day. I’m not actually sure if rashes are a symptom of the coronavirus, but there’s no doubt that it’s a tone deaf inclusion on the developers’ part.

It’s the same achilles’ heel that caused us to sour on games like The Last of Us Part 2 and Resident Evil 3 over the past 6 months. While these are undoubtedly polished AAA titles that we would have loved at literally any other time, I can’t play them without imagining what it would be like to shoot my own COVID-ridden grandmother in the face with a pistol. 

Despite some unfortunate reality checks, Battletoads is the pinnacle of quarantine escapism. Hopefully the pandemic ends soon, because I have to write a PGA Tour 2K21 review soon and I have no idea how to frame that one. Are golf courses open right now? Maybe it can be about how Trump is golfing instead of passing relief payments. Yeah, okay, I can work with that.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Steve Bannon Arrested for Gobbling Up Skiers at Bottom of Hill

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — Former Donald Trump advisor Steve Bannon was arrested yesterday on charges of reportedly devouring skiers at the bottom of a ski resort for the last several decades. 

“I’ve been saying it for years and no one believed me,” said Katherine Vaughn, who was present outside of the courthouse for Bannon’s arraignment yesterday morning. “We went skiing on a field trip in middle school, and after I had got stuck ass first in the snow while botching a trick attempt, I saw my buddy Calvin go a little farther down the hill, and this giant disgusting creature grabbed him and ate him like a candy bar. No one believed me then, and no one believed me in 2016 when he was on the news all the time. I’m glad we’re finally getting justice for Cliff, but it took far too long.”

Bannon has denied the rumors for years that he would lurk at the bottom of the hill at a ski resort and run out and gobble people up when the mood struck him, a claim that he and his legal counsel maintain despite yesterday’s arrest. 

“My client has been far too busy with his various endeavors to be lurking in between trees and ramps waiting for errant skiers to wander in his path so that me may ingest them,” said Greg Peel, Bannon’s legal representation. “Just fitting a simple description of a grey angry monster with no discernable soul and a clear disregard for human life is not enough grounds to subject Mr. Bannon to this kind of public scrutiny, frankly. There is no way these charges stick.” 

In addition to denying the charges against him, Bannon was reportedly furious about his arrest causing him to miss his speaking slot at the Democratic National Convention.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

As gamers, we know that everything is a competition. While we compete with unlimited porn, video games and four-hour video essays for your attention, you compete amongst yourselves for our attention. Today’s the day that finally pays off. Every week, we will be going through comments on all of our articles and highlighting the best. It’s like a leaderboard, except you can’t put your name down as “ASS.” Let’s begin.

5. Host Offers Choice Between This Really Dope Board Game That Sounds Awesome and Two Others

Euro-games are actually so expensive due to the fact that a gun comes included in the box. Geoff’s Friday game nights look like the Russian Roulette scene from The Deer Hunter, if they were eating Fritos and listening to electro-swing. Thank you for being a Top Fan.

4. Images From 343’s ‘Super Mario 64 Anniversary’ Leaked and It Looks Incredible

Honestly Mark, I relate. I had the exact idea for Kung Fu Panda when I was 11 and still haven’t seen a cent from Dreamworks. To this day I have no idea how they got into my loose leaf binder. To Mark’s 194 followers (including our secret Hard Drive mole!), we promise to hold ourselves accountable in the hopes you can forgive us.

3. Police Abduct Enough Protesters to Upgrade Unmarked Van with Cool Flame Skin

According to Portland P.D., future upgrades will add super-cool tinted windows and increased capacity for arresting nonviolent civilians. We just have to hope they don’t get the Halo skin or else they’re gonna go hog wild on protesters. Anyways, good news is the upgraded police vans are worth double points if you destroy them.

2. Privacy Advocates Warn “Shrek Yourself” App May Be Used To Collect Names and Faces of Americans Who Want to Look Like Shrek

You know what? Adam is 100% right. I don’t care if this is my first-ever Hard Drive column, screw these video game nerds. This article insultingly assumes that anyone should be ashamed of wanting to look like the handsome and powerful ogre Shrek. We are tired of hiding and will not be silenced any longer. We’re mean, we’re green, and actually we’re not mean at all, we just want to look like Shrek and live our lives in peace. Get out of my swamp!!!

1. Local Middle Schooler Releases 2020 Dad Tier List

We’re sorry to inform you tuney, but gay dads have been banned from tournament fights due to being overpowered. No son deserves to see their father chaingrabbed the entire fight.

We’d like to extend a big thank you to all of our readers, and everyone for their wonderful comments. Hard Drive wouldn’t work without all of your support — especially Mark. Keep pumping out those tweets man, we have a site to run. See you next week everybody!

We Track Down Our High School Principal to Get Back Our Confiscated “Enema of the State” CD

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Like most Americans, we spent our time quarantined catching up on podcasts, learning to cook (shoutout my sourdough starter), and plotting how to get back at those who have wronged us. These constructive uses of our time will serve us well when we can finally do normal things again like cook for friends or exact revenge.

Our first order of post-COVID business: make our book club dinner. Right after we track down our high school principal, Mr. Thomas, and make good on our promise to reclaim our confiscated “Enema of the State” CD, that is presumably still locked inside his desk drawer next to a fleet of Tech Decks.

After some very mild googling, we discovered that Mr. Thomas had been pretty busy with his time. Shortly after we graduated, he left his position as principal and opened a poop joke-themed skatepark that was entirely made out of Dickies. He reportedly took up streaking as a hobby and was most recently released on bail after a hilarious misunderstanding involving his pet dog.

The state in which we found Mr. Thomas was difficult to process. The former educator was seen loitering in front of the very same school he once oversaw. He was wearing two and a half pairs of Etnies and nothing else. How this 76-year-old man was stuck as a 2000’s teenager in the year 2020 was baffling. He saw us and immediately called out, “Hey shitdicks! Let’s see some stinky titties!” It was hard to determine if his flagrant use of dirty words was more excessive or juvenile. Either way, it was hilarious. “I gotta thank you, fartcuck!” he continued as the reality of his situation dawned on us. “That vagina that plays music changed my life!” My God. The day he took that CD from us was the day his life took on a new, darker path full of angst and a twelve-year-old’s idea of edgy humor.

“Wheres my fucking CD, motherfucker?” we asked after regaining our composure. Before he answered, we saw the awful truth. The disk has been absorbed into the side of his head. He had fused himself with it. He was one with the CD. It was already too late so we got the hell out of there as fast as we could and went home to listen to the copy our neighbor, Tejas, burned us for $5 the day Mr. Thomas took it.