Hello dear Coil subscribers! Welcome back! And if you aren’t a Coil subscriber, you are trespassing, and the castle doctrine authorizes me to protect this space by any means I deem necessary. I will hunt you to the ends of the earth. Nothing will impede my quest to get those five dollars from you.
Back to our wonderful subscribers: pull out your history books. Got them? Good, now throw them away — you don’t need them anymore thanks to Activision.
Only gaming historians remember a time when gamers killed nazis — instead of identifying with them. With World War II games, we can remember a time when brothers were pitted against brothers in splitscreen matches, or when Mountain Dew Code Reds had to be rationed if they were to last the entire LAN party. Thank you gamers.
I know MonstoBusta2000 is joking, but straight up, fuck King Hippo for using a manhole cover. He is so much larger than Little Mac that his weight is represented by question marks. That’s like if Muhammed Ali fought a teenager and was also allowed to wear a biker helmet. King Hippo has no honor at all, and I would punch him right in his goddamn stomach too.
An Excerpt from 50 Dice of Grey:
GREY: My desires are… unconventional.
ANASTASIA: Show me.
GREY reaches into his bookshelf, and pulls out a copy of the Player’s Handbook for Dungeons and Dragons. The camera slowly pans down to reveal… it’s 3.5 edition.
GREY: I understand if you want to leave.
Anastasia composes herself and nods, before sitting at the table to eat a slice of pizza.
Other classes roll to hit, but bards roll to hit your cute ass up. It may not be optimal when you roll “Suck Ears” during a charisma check, but D&D is as much about the bad rolls as it is the good ones.
Finally, he can get some use out of the four extra seats that his car came with for some reason. And why should he stop there? Tear out the console so you have somewhere to keep your snacks and drinks, or rip out the gear shift to use as a joystick. Or maybe flip it around. Install a sick gaming PC in the passenger seat of your car so you can game on the go. Fuck the Nintendo Switch.
Thanks again to everyone who commented this week! We couldn’t do it without you — literally. We here at Hard Drive try our hardest to make you
drive laugh, so we appreciate it when you do the same. If you’d like a chance to be featured in next week’s column, just comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a nice week everyone! I have to go chase all those people who read this article without subscribing to Coil.