Correct Me If I’m Wrong, but I’m Not and I Take Criticism Poorly

Unlike liberals, I firmly believe in the lost art of discussion and the sanctity of fact. This is more than just a line I say when snowflakes are saying something overly emotional or a little too based in logic, but also a rigorous standard to which I hold myself. For that reason, I would be more than happy to accept criticism and shift my point of view should I ever be wrong. But I’m not so fuck you.

I’ll usually start the debate with a carefully-crafted concession: “Correct me if I’m wrong,” said the patriot spider to the communist fly, “but I don’t think it’s right to support mandatory abortions for all.” And ya know what? They never correct me. I don’t think so, anyway. By that point, I’ve already pulled my gun and started yelling defensive threats.

Frankly, I’m insulted by the slanderous insinuation that I might be incorrect about anything. If you think I’m wrong, you’re clearly brainwashed by a so-called consensus of noted experts. This fallacy is known as an “appeal to authority” and, as the former interim president of the Yale Debate Association, I would know.

I’m a tireless advocate for spirited discussion even when I vehemently disagree with my opponent. However, some people have even gone as far as to call me “violently defensive when confronted with conflicting evidence,” but this could not be further from the truth and I’ll murder your family for suggesting otherwise.

So if you have legitimate and logical corrections, please provide them to me. Just know my patience for debating overly rigid, self-righteous, and pretentious pseudointellectuals is running thin.

Man with Screeching Weasel Tattoo Really Going Out of the Way to Explain Himself

LORTON, Va. — Local man Devin Caulfield is now in his 11th year of attempting to explain his Screeching Weasel tattoo despite never having been prompted to do so, multiple strangers confirm.

“I just want to make it clear that I got this tattoo back in 2009, before… it happened,” explained the 35-year-old real estate agent. “March 18, 2011. SXSW. That day is my goddamn 9/11 — Ben Weasel punching that woman changed everything. I used to be proud of this massive weasel on my arm; I used to feel a sense of pride when telling strangers that it wasn’t a character from Roger Rabbit, but the logo of a band whose music changed my life forever. Now, I feel the overwhelming need to assure people that I do not condone punching women in Texas… or punching women anywhere, really. Don’t punch women. That’s a shitty thing to do.”

Punks closest to Caulfield say the guilt is so deep-seeded, it’s almost cost him his life.

“I think he feels worse about what happened than the guy who actually threw the punch,” said local punk Julliette Rodriguez. “I mean, he goes through extreme lengths to cover that thing up. I once saw him wearing a leather jacket in a crowded basement show in July — it must have been well over 100 degrees down there and he was drenched in sweat, but he’d keep insisting it wasn’t ‘that hot.’ He passed out from heat stroke, and was mortified after regaining consciousness and seeing that his jacket had been removed.”

Despite several offers from local tattoo artists to cover up the tattoo, the piece clearly remains on Caulfield’s body.

“I just don’t know what I’d cover it up with. I don’t want to black out the area, because what if people think I’m trying to hide a swastika or something?” Caulfield said. “I do feel weird when guys I don’t know compliment this thing, though. I start wondering why they would — are they cool with what Ben did? Or just people who like cartoon ferrets? I just feel like I can’t trust ‘em. This whole thing has really fucked my life up.”

“I’m just really glad I talked myself out of getting that The Queers tattoo on my neck,” he added.

Powerful, Strategic Deck Decimated by Opponent’s ‘Have a Lot of Monsters’ Strategy

NASHVILLE — A weekly Magic: The Gathering tournament at local shop Boards & Swords featured a shocking first round upset, as a carefully crafted deck was no match for a deck that just had a ton of monsters in it. 

“I don’t know what happened, I’ve spent months on this thing,” said Jake Shell, following two swift defeats to relative newcomer Henry Campbell’s deck that had a bunch of creatures in it. “I thought I finally had the perfect blend of spells and high volume enchantments that could tear any sensible deck apart. I even posted it on a few forums and everyone agreed that it was a sound deck that would probably win and would almost certainly be no fun to play!”

The carefully constructed and workshopped deck fell short of expectations in its debut was destroyed by Campbell’s collection of creatures chosen because they “look cool.”

“Oh, I just like the art for the goblin cards the best so I picked a bunch of those,” said Campbell, who has been playing the game casually with some friends for the last few weeks. “I looked through my buddy Jason’s cards on the way here and put a few more in that seemed neat and were all the same color. Seems to have worked okay. Is that guy that freaked out okay, by the way?”

Those watching the one sided victory marveled at Campbell’s expert deck construction and strategy.

“It was incredible,” said Mizzy Lozano, a regular at the weekly contest. “No matter what convoluted combo Jake was trying to set up, that Henry kid would just play a creature or two and then he would attack with them and do damage and then he won. It was masterful, I still can’t believe what I just saw.”

Campbell went on to win the tournament, his second time in as many weeks, after dethroning longtime champion Shelly Langley’s Ramp deck last week with a counter spell deck he didn’t fully understand.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

 

Guy Who Was Just Talking About Taking a Huge Shit Keeps Getting Facebook Ads for Anthem

OKLAHOMA CITY Local bathroom occupant Dan Corrigan has reportedly been plagued by incessant social media ads for Anthem, EA’s failed 2019 shooter, ever since discussing his need to take a huge shit.

“I’ve been eating horribly the last few days,” said Corrigan. “And I was talking to my brother about how this dump of mine was going to be a huge turd, very long in the making, before I got off the phone and did the thing. Then when I’m in there taking care of business, I opened Facebook up, and every single ad was for Anthem all of the sudden. Where the hell did that come from? I’ve never gotten a single one of those before and now they won’t go away.”

Representatives from Facebook have denied that there would be any connection between a proliferation of ads for EA’s abysmally received looter shooter and discussion of an imminent bowel movement, for several reasons.

“First of all, we are not using your conversations to advertise things you talk about right back to you. That is merely a remarkable coincidence that every person that uses our website has experienced,” said Mark Zuckerberg, following his most recent appearance before the U.S. Congress regarding Facebook’s ongoing data security issues. “And even so, why would a guy talking about a legendary, once in a lifetime pile of shit have something to do with this video game? I really do not understand this accusation leveled against Facebook and me, Mark Zuckerberg.”

When reached for comment, representatives from Electronic Arts were thrilled that anyone was talking about Anthem in 2020 and promised that big changes were coming to their shitty game later this year.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

The Next L. Ron Hubbard? This Ugly Guy Wrote Some Shitty Books

Whether for his abusive teachings or seemingly self-proclaimed charlatanism, The Church of Scientology’s founder Lafayette Ronald Hubbard is a controversial figure. But two important facts about the man known as L. Ron are oft-forgotten:

1) He was incredibly ugly, and

2) He fucking sucked at writing.

Despite being an ugly shitty writer, LRH went on to form one of the most manipulative and dangerous religious movements America has ever seen. This makes the emergence of a new author named Rick Mackenzie all the more alarming.

His self-published books on Amazon have garnered upwards of 3 reviews each, some averaging over 2 out of 5 stars. But the internet skeptic community took notice when Mackenzie finally uploaded an author picture to Amazon. The man is unsightly, to say the least.

Could this be the next L. Ron Hubbard? The Hard Times sat down with Rick Mackenzie to get to find out if Mackenzie was the next weird person ugly Jesus.

THE HARD TIMES: Jesus Christ! You are truly hideous just like him…
MACKENZIE: Hey, fuck you! Who is “him”? I thought this was supposed to be an interview so I could promote my books.
Yeah, I skimmed some and they are boring as shit. You fucking suck, just like him. L. Ron says “what”?
Wait, what?
I knew it! You are reincarnated L. Ron Hubbard!
Goddamnit. I just couldn’t hear you. The Scientology guy? No. My name is Rick Mackenzie and I write science fiction novels that anyone from age 10 and up can enjoy.
Liar! You know damn well that not a single person can enjoy your elementary vocabulary or styleless plot descriptions.
Listen- I’m not saying I’m the best writer in the world. I know I’m not.
But your face is also repugnant. Explain that.
You are such an asshole. My girlfriend says she likes how I look and that she digs a dad bod. We have pugs! She’s into alternative-looking things I guess. And when it comes to my writing, I think I’ll get better with time. My goal isn’t to change writing by being the best, but to spread positivity and self-confidence to my readers.
Well, that is admirable. Look, I’m sorry. You may be a bad writer, and you may look like L. Ron Hubbard, but you wrote some books. You did a thing. Good for you.
Do you have trouble getting your ideas off the ground? 
I do!
Like a little voice in your head telling you that you aren’t good enough, and you’re stupid for even trying?
I… well… yes. Yes I do have that voice. 
That’s caused by tiny invisible aliens called Feelbadians. I can help clear you off their influence.
Okay get out.  

Perfectly Done Tom Petty Portrait Tattoo Still Objectively Ugly

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local college student Cam Emerson received a portrait tattoo of Tom Petty on his forearm last week, objectively standing as one of the ugliest tattoos among his friends, family, and the community at large.

“Tom Petty’s music saved my life,” Emerson said. “He was a musician with uncompromising vision, and he valued the importance of creative control — I just wish I’d looked more closely at pictures or videos of his face before going in. I was really looking forward to putting Tom on in my headphones while looking at my tattoo, almost as if he was singing to me right there from my arm… but now I can hardly look at him. These are some of the hottest days of the summer, and I have to wear long sleeves so I don’t scare people.”

Renowned tattoo artist Donny Eckbert, known for his expertise in the portrait style tattoo, gave Emerson the piece at his Columbus shop, Pinktures, where he admittedly struggled in making this particular figure good looking.

“I am an active student of artistic techniques, and I apply my studies directly to my work,” Eckbert stated. “For Cam’s piece, I tried playing with symmetrical balance, radial symmetry, and even asymmetrical balance, but nothing worked. I even tried shading it in a way where none of his features were clear, but it just ended up looking like a depressed broomstick. This tattoo is just plain ugly, and it will forever haunt me and my body of work.”

Emerson’s mother Winona Emerson, a fan of tattoos with many herself, expressed extreme disappointment in her son.

“I knew Cam would most likely follow in my footsteps and get tattoos once he was in college, but I didn’t think he would literally continue the tradition of adorning his body with objectively hideous-looking musicians, ” she said. “On the plus side, though, at least it kind of makes my makeup-less Gene Simmons tattoo look a little better by comparison.”

At press time, Emerson was comparing prices for elective limb removal surgery.

Opinion: We Should Reform, Not Abolish, the Forest Fires

The California wildfires have a lot of people clamoring to “put out the forest fires.”

I get that a few of the fires got out of hand and ran wild…but simply putting them out isn’t the answer, it’s naïveté. Instead of “abolishing” the forest fires, we should reform them.

First, let’s consider the many countless things the wildfires didn’t set aflame. Entire parts of the Bay Area are completely fire-free, as well as many parts of Colorado, Arizona, and Nevada. But all the media is talking about is the allegedly “destructive” wildfire in Norcal. It’s time to question if these fires are as “destructive” and “increasingly common” as they say.

Secondly, let’s look at fire itself. Fire can be good for many reasons. Since the dawn of time, fire has fueled the creativity and ingenuity of mankind. I’m sure cavemen started a few forest fires when they were rubbing stones together. Mistakes are bound to happen when trying to advance civilization, in fact, they’re necessary. Here are the benefits those mistakes afforded us: the ability to cook food, warmth in the winter, ways to create hunting tools.

You might not want to hear this but most people actually like fire. They use it to light their favorite candle, sometimes on a birthday cake. They use it in religious ceremonies. Some even have a looped video of a fireplace as their desktop background. Fire has inspired many shows and movies: Firestarter, Little Fires Everywhere, that scene where Pam runs on the coals in The Office. Man on Fire even has Denzel in it and he loves fire. Do you think Denzel is wrong?

I agree that forest fires aren’t perfect. They play by their own rules and there’s no way to control them once they start. But most fires don’t burn down national forests. Most fires are what you use to make s’mores and tell ghost stories around at camp. Most fires are good. The “bad” fires are rare. Think about how many times in your life you’ve seen a wildfire. I bet it’s close to zero.

It’s simply more practical to reform them. We can grow more inflammable trees, or introduce legislation that says forest fires are bad. We could ban fire pits, stoves, and hippies to decrease littering. We can install cameras within and around the forests so that we can see the fires sooner and better. We can even re-name the forests after the extinct species of trees that the wildfires destroyed.

Perhaps the best solution, since the forest fires keep starting in forests, is to cut down the forests entirely. We can sell the land to corporations to build more housing and businesses that will stimulate the economy and create jobs. We’ll never have to deal with “forest” fires again.

Punk Band Accused of Selling Out After Accepting $35 PPP Loan

LOS ANGELES — Local punk band Palm Terror are under heavy scrutiny today, facing accusations from long-time fans of selling out for accepting a Payroll Protection Program loan of $35.

“We thought it would just be funny if we applied to get money from the government… but then we had to cancel all four shows we booked, and we ended up needing the money,” said Palm Terror frontman Johnny Tars. “And yeah, we probably wouldn’t have made money from any of those shows, but we all would have been given at least two drink tickets. You really can’t put a price on those when you haven’t had a beer in 12 hours. We take full responsibility for this, and are really very sorry for disappointing all of you.”

Fans discovered the band took the loan after drummer Valerie Bennett posted a selfie fanning themselves with a $20, $10, and five $1 bills captioned with, “Thanks for the money #GovernmentHandout.”’

“What kind of fucking sell-outs have I been supporting? Since when is being in a band about money? They should just be about the music,” said long-time fan Keira Henderson. “I could understand it more if they were a mid-sized company that needed to pad executive level bonuses while they wait a few months before they lay off all of their low-level employees — that’s just business as usual. But this is unforgivable. I’ve stopped following them on Spotify. I just can’t support a band so deep in the government’s pockets.”

Sara Ramirez of the U.S. Small Business Administration believes that the band may face a penalty for laying off their bass player shortly after receiving the loan and using the money for a giant Taco Bell order.

“This is just one of the many abuses of the program we’ve seen,” said Ramirez. “Originally, they requested $50, but that didn’t seem realistic for this band — we saw that over the course of eight years they made a total of $6, so we figured this $35 could keep them afloat, but they clearly got greedy. I hope to see them rot in jail for years to come.”

Palm Terror will start a GoFundMe to pay the $35 loan back in full, but there is no word on if the bassist will return to the band.

Coward Hour Coil Exclusive: Sowden House

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.

New to the show? Listen to our “Best Of” episode.

On this bonus episode of Coward Hour, we muse on dying horny at war and Nik’s visit to an evil spooky house.

Fall Guys Developers Somberly Report Every Time Your Jellybean Falls, It Dies Permanently

LONDON — Developers at Mediatonic have somberly revealed to fans that every time you lose a match in their hit battle royale Fall Guys, your character permanently dies and is replaced by an identical clone.

“It deeply concerns us to report to you that yes, the jellybeans permanently die when they fall off a stage, fall into goo, or simply do not qualify for the next round. Every time you load up a new show, your jellybean has been replaced by an identical-looking clone,” said lead Fall Guys developer Joe Walsh. “The only way to play as the same character is to keep winning. Getting a crown to you might be some fun game, but to your Fall Guy, it is their only chance at survival. They’re forced to keep chasing those crowns, knowing eventually it has to end. Eventually they must succumb to the pink goo, spending eternity in Fall Guy Hell.”

“Yes, that’s right, we are horrified to report that we programmed an entire Fall Guy Hell where dead jellybeans go when you lose a match of Fall Guys. It will never be seen in-game, but it absolutely exists,” Walsh continued. “When sent to Fall Guy Hell, jellybeans exist for eternity in a game of Royal Fumble, constantly grabbing the player with the tail, but inexplicably not collecting it. It’s a bloody fucking nightmare and it sickens me that we created it, but we did. It exists and it’s what you doom your little friend to each and every time you lose.”

Walsh then took his glasses off to wipe a single tear that had formed in his left eye and began trickling down his face.

“I don’t know what compelled us to do this, I really don’t… but the jellybeans feel pain. Those little yelps they give out, they’re screams,” Walsh explained. “The music you hear with the cute little chanting? Fall Guys is about a cult. A horrible evil cult of monsters who force their fellow jellies to compete against their friends for a chance to prolong their miserable lives. This game isn’t supposed to be some fun romp. It’s a fucking nightmare. God help us all.”

When these devastating revelations were explained to Fall Guys fans, most responded, “plz remove fall ball ty.”

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