Huge OST Fan Has Never Actually Finished Final Fantasy 6 Soundtrack

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Darcy Martin, an alleged superfan of original video game soundtracks, has revealed that he has never actually finished listening to the beloved Final Fantasy 6 score in its entirety, shocked sources have confirmed.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very familiar with it,” Martin said of Nobuo Uematsu’s iconic soundtrack, addressing and confirming the rumors that had consumed the r/gamemusic subreddit for the last several days. “In fact, I bet I could pretty much imagine how it ends, based on the first few discs of Kefka’s Domain, and all of the other soundtracks I’ve listened to. Who says finishing something is a prerequisite to it affecting and being important to you?”

The statement was made in a recent video Martin has uploaded to his YouTube channel, where he defended himself against allegations of being a fake game soundtrack listener.

“That’s bullshit dude,” read one of many highly upvoted critical replies. “Don’t run around putting it on your list of all time greats if you’ve never even finished it. Darcy is just another video game soundtrack fan doing it for the clout and not the love. It’s just so god damned depressing.” 

Martin defended his citing of the soundtrack as an influential work despite him never completing it, citing the many ways he has listened to the first dozen or so songs over the years.

“I had the CD years ago, listened to a lot of it,” he said. “Then years later I downloaded the soundtrack onto my Android, but it never quite sounded right, so I didn’t finish it then either. I know I could get it through any number of online platforms, or even just grab the original online, and I am sure I’ll get around to it one day, but I don’t know, I feel like I get it, you know?”

As of press time, Martin is just listening to the Rocket League soundtrack again instead of something with a little more substance.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Agent 47 Grateful All of Humanity Wears a 34” Inseam

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

ICA FACILITY (LOCATION UNKNOWN) — Agent 47, professional assassin, expressed great relief today at the cold hard fact that every man on earth shares the same pants size, according to those familiar with the situation. 

“Yeah, it just makes my job and life so much easier,” said Agent 47. “My line of work requires knocking out all kinds of people. Bodyguards, IT guys, professional models… you just never know. It’s great that no matter whose body I am dumping into a ravine, their jeans are gonna fit like a glove. A bloody glove” 

As everyone knows, men are born into this world at a spry 6 feet, 2 inches with broad shoulders and an athletic build and they remain this until the day they die — often at the hand of a highly trained paid assassin. This is just the way things are and always have been. However, Agent 47 told gathered reporters about a vision he had about a scary world where this isn’t the case. 

“I had this nightmare the other day that really shook me to my core. Like what if people varied in size in shape. Even by like a foot or so. In the dream, I took out a guy on my way to kill a target and his pants didn’t fit! I woke in a cold sweat. Seriously. Imagine a pair of pants that didn’t reach your shoes or rather a pair that curled up around the ankles because they’re so long,” he said, visibly disturbed by the recollection of the dream. 

Sociologists have long toyed with similar thought experiments and how they might affect society as a whole. 

“For starters, department stores would be wildly different,” said John Tailor, Professor of Sociology at Arizona State University. “Instead of simply grabbing a pair of jeans from the jeans pile, one might envision a whole row of jeans. All labeled with different lengths and widths. The inventory management of these stores would be a mess and sometimes they may not even have your size! Truly frightening.”

At press time, Agent 47 tweeted how crazy it would be if people recognized each other by their faces and not simply by the clothes they were wearing.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Woman Quarantining with New Boyfriend Hasn’t Shit in 4 Months

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PORTLAND, Maine. — Local woman Dani Pineda has desperately hidden her humanity from her live-in boyfriend Aaron Adams by not shitting at all for the past four months, due to the pandemic forcing the couple to remain quarantined together, worried sources confirmed.

“We signed a lease on a place together in March… and then quarantine hit. The coronavirus fallout has been a real test of our relationship and the durability of my now severely impacted rectum,” said Pineda. “We order groceries online, and we’re both working from home, so I don’t get any alone time where I can use the bathroom without worrying about ghastly noises or odors. I knew holding it in was dumb, but I guess I was hoping that after a few weeks I’d maybe start eliminating feces through my pores like a frog, or something?”

Adams seemed completely unaware of his girlfriend’s pain, or that women even have functioning anuses.

“Quarantine sucks, but it’s made me more aware of all of Dani’s cute little quirks — the way she’s constantly clenching her teeth and grunting in pain, how she army-crawls from the bedroom to the kitchen… and that adorable way she eats an entire block of cheese everyday,” explained Adams. “After having guy roommates for years, I knew living with a woman would be an adjustment.”

Yesterday, Pineda took the extreme step of “accidentally” slicing her hand with a butter knife as a ruse to get her severely bloated stomach treated.

“Because of Ms. Pineda’s terrible health insurance plan, unfortunately the stitches for her hand and the treatment for her constipation will cost nearly $5,000,” said ER nurse Brielle Johnston. “I asked why she would put herself through this. Her answer? She still wants her boyfriend to think of her as a ‘delicate little flower.’ At least I think that’s what she said — I couldn’t hear too well while digging a dozen pounds of dry fecal matter out of her asshole.”

Pineda is also praying she can get waxed at a salon again soon before Adams realizes her pubic hair doesn’t naturally grow in a thin, clean landing strip.

Joan Jett Changes Relationship Status with Rock ‘N’ Roll to “It’s Complicated”

Posted on by Henrik Persson

LONG BEACH, N.Y. — Veteran rocker Joan Jett is reportedly no longer in a committed, monogamous relationship with her longtime partner and genre Rock ‘N’ Roll, the music icon confirmed on Facebook.

“Me and Rock go way back, but we’ve grown apart. It’ll always have a place in my heart, but I can no longer say I love Rock ‘N’ Roll,” Jett wrote in a post shortly after changing her relationship status from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated. “I’m so thankful for all the support and kind words you all have sent me. Our love was always tenuous — if I had a dime for every time I wanted to try pop or alternative, I’d be a very rich woman. We’re still very close, but love is a very heavy word, and I just felt like I was lying to the genre, myself, and most importantly, my fans.”

Rock ‘N’ Roll mirrored Jett’s post on its own account.

“Me and Joan will always have something special. Out of the hundreds of songs written about me, hers is by far my favorite,” the septuagenarian genre said. “I respect the hell out of her, but the feelings just aren’t there anymore. Honestly, I noticed she’d been just going through the motions when she played my song the past few years. I’m happy that our love will always be able to live on in cover songs.”

Author and relationship expert Phyllis Carlson praised Jett and Rock ‘N’ Roll for being brave enough to go their separate ways.

“It takes courage to end a relationship, but it’s hard to find yourself again when you’ve been with a person or a genre for so long. It takes a lot of time and soul-searching — it’s a grieving process,” Carlson said. “Along with couples like Keith Richards and Patti Hansen, or Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Jett and Rock ‘N’ Roll have enjoyed one of the longest relationships in rock… a business not exactly known for life-long love.”

Jett later denied that she would re-record her classic 1981 hit as “I think fondly of rock ‘n’ roll” or “I have a soft spot for rock ‘n’ roll.”

New Texas Law Requires Each Citizen to Wear Face Mask That Is Also Fully Functioning Gun

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

AUSTIN, Texas — Gov. Greg Abbott signed a new, statewide law today that would mandate each Texan to do their part to stop the spread of COVID-19 by wearing a mask that also keeps family and loved ones safe by lethal force.

“Texans are resilient. Texans are strong. Most importantly, though, Texans are armed at all times, and we need to let COVID-19 know that,” said Abbott from the state capitol building. “This new mask order is so we can get back to normal — we want people working again, and the sooner this virus is defeated, the sooner we can return to that Texas way of life. But also, these masks will be a deterrent to any violent criminals who think they can infringe on our liberties and freedoms as Americans.”

“The only way to stop a bad guy with a mask that is also a gun, is a good guy with a mask that is also a gun,” added Abbott.

Texans admitted they had mixed feelings about the mask requirements.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the gun part. I’ve been wanting to strap a gun to my eyeglasses for years just so I could shoot exactly what I was looking at, but people always said I was crazy. I know having a face gun is something most Texans would support,” said Shamrock resident Tad Tribauld. “But I just think of all the dangerous elements that masks bring: I could be breathing in my own carbon monoxide; that stuff kills people. Plus, I’m known to tip my hat and smile at every pretty little lady that walks by, and if they can’t see my mouth, how are they going to know I’m wishing them a good day?”

Gun control advocates were appalled by the order.

“The last thing we need is more guns on the street… especially since this new mask order is for anyone over the age of 10. So now we’re going to have teens and tweens with loaded guns in their mouths? I don’t see who that’s helping,” said gun safety activist Sammi Pacheco. “Sure, this new law will almost definitely reduce the number of coronavirus cases, but just wait and see how many people go to the ER because someone yawned and the gun mask shot them in the leg.”

Abbott is also expected to sign an executive order to fund more PPE for hospitals, which will be spent exclusively on handguns and other self-defense weapons.

As an Optimist, I Have To Believe That the Coronavirus Has Killed at Least a Few Nazis

Posted on by James Knapp

It’s really tough to look at the state of the world today and see anything positive in it. With the COVID-19 pandemic showing no sign of stopping, it can be easy to get discouraged. But as an optimist, to me, there is one silver lining we can all look to and feel a little bit better about our world: at least a few of the people killed by COVID were fucking Nazis.

Statistically, that has to be true, right? Nearly one hundred and seventy thousand people have died in the United States alone. It’s more than likely some of them were alt-right, fascist pieces of shit. In fact, it’s probably more than likely considering that a lot of the current neo-nazis still trying to suck Hitler’s mummified gerbil cock are the same dumbfuck conspiracy theory shitheels refusing to wear masks in public. Hell, I’d be in favor of more klan rallies if it means more of those racist hate clowns end up six feet under.

I don’t mean to dance on anyone’s grave here. That would be irresponsible. I’ll get around to it once we have a vaccine.

Any loss of human life should be considered a tragedy. That said, if that tragedy befell someone who actively supports the oppression of marginalized and vulnerable communities then they probably fucking deserve it. Sorry, that was insensitive. I meant someone who supported oppression. May they rest in peace, I guess. Whatever. As long as they’re dead.

So what can we take away from all this? Well, the fact that literal Nazis still exist definitely isn’t good. Also, the fact that this global health crisis is still raging is, to put it lightly, a bit of a downer. But if you’re someone like me who always tries to look on the bright side of things, then maybe there is a little comfort to be had in the idea that, of all the pointless deaths that have been caused by this pandemic, some of them happened to people who absolutely deserved it.

I’m also willing to bet a couple of pedophiles died too. Cheers!

Idiot 6th Grader Writes “Megadeath” on Notebook

Posted on by Jimmy Adamson

WARRENVILLE, Ill. — Local sixth grader Billy Luetzen suffered a crushing embarrassment yesterday after writing “Megadeath” instead of “Megadeth” on his math notebook, sources close to the stupid dumb shit reported.

“I’m ashamed of myself,” remarked the 11-year-old, in between smacking himself in the face repeatedly. “I should’ve just Googled it before mindlessly scribbling on my notebook during Mrs. Van’s lecture on fractions. I guess that’s what I get for getting into music for the first time in my life. I’ll never be able to show my face at school again.”

Local metal fan Mike “Flesh Ripper” Vallero didn’t hold back about the flub.

“You always gotta be on the lookout for this kind of asshole shit,” the 30-year-old grocery bagger told us while on his smoke break at a local Family Foods. “I knew this kid was a total fake right when I saw his notebook: not only was Megadeth spelled wrong, but he also wrote ‘Deaf Leopard,’ ‘Limp Biscuit,’ ‘Corn,’ and ‘Motley Crew.’ Everyone knows it’s spelled C-R-U-E, with those dumb little dots above the ‘u.’ And even though he did spell Led Zeppelin right, I still issued his ass a poseur citation.”

“Yeah, I carry around these little poseur citation tickets to the junior high schools and I give ‘em out to all the poseurs I encounter,” he added. “It’s kinda my form of social activism.”

Math teacher Mrs. Van was a little concerned about Luetzen’s error, but unsurprised.

“I’ve seen this every single year since Megadeth gained mainstream success with ‘Peace Sells…but Who’s Buying?’” the teacher explained, while frantically scribbling word problems on the chalkboard. “Some poor kid trying to be hip writes ‘Megadeath,’ thinking only a complete idiot would spell ‘death’ without an ‘a’. But guess who’s a complete idiot, after all? It’s Billy. And quite frankly, it’s fucking pathetic.”

Luetzen is reportedly contemplating getting into hip hop, hoping that maybe rappers would spell their names correctly.

Democrats Plead President Trump to Use #Ad When Promoting Private Businesses

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

WASHINGTON — Democrats in Congress have urged the President Donald Trump to include the hashtag “#Ad” when promoting any private businesses following recent tweets by the president that many considered endorsements for Goya Foods. 

“It is time we put our foot down,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, said in a press conference on Capitol Hill this morning. “President Trump’s behavior is an abuse of his office. No elected official in this country should be using their position to promote private businesses without clearly labeling such promotions using the hashtag ‘#ad’. We hope this transparency creates a stronger sense of trust between the President and his followers.”

Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden cited Trump’s behavior as not only unethical, but illegal.

“According to the United States Office of Government Ethics, ‘An employee shall not use his public office for his own private gain, for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives, or persons with whom the employee is affiliated in a nongovernmental capacity,’” stated Biden. “What the president is doing is in clear violation of this policy. While this could be grounds for a second impeachment proceeding, we’d all be willing to compromise if Trump would just use one of these hash-a-ma-call-its.”

In addition to violating federal ethics laws, tweeting endorsements without including the hashtag #Ad also violates standard guidelines for brand ambassadors and social media influencers, both of which are positions Donald Trump still holds in addition to President.

“We use #Ad to ensure that a partnership between a brand and an influencer will not be perceived as a simple sharing of information,” explained filmmaker and internet personality Zach King. “It’s important for influencers to be clear when the content we share is the promotion of a product or service through a paid agreement. Democrats are just pointing out that it only makes sense for Trump to be held to the same standard as other influencers.” 

At press time, Speaker Pelosi regretfully confirmed to members of the press that Trump is just going to keep posting whatever he wants to and everyone will just have to deal with it.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Images From 343’s ‘Super Mario 64 Anniversary’ Leaked and It Looks Incredible

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Holy shit you guys. Apparently 343, the company known for making the Halo games after Bungie moved on to Destiny, is working on a remake of Super Mario 64 called Super Mario 64 Anniversary and it looks sick as frigging hell. In fact, it might be the raddest iteration of Mario ever made.

According to a representative from 343 who addressed the leak this morning, the company is working to “bring Super Mario 64 to the modern era of gaming” by updating the look and feel while “maintaining the design that made it popular in the first place.” Basically, this thing is a whole love letter to the original masterpiece and you can practically taste the smooches all over the envelope. 

So how did 343 bring this classic to 2020? Well first of all, they made our boy Mario jacked as all fuck. He’s packing absolute heat in this version of the game, which we have to imagine Miyamoto would have loved to include in the original release, but was limited by the technical abilities of the Nintendo 64. 

Mario actually looks like a real man now, which is important because looking back on the old game, he actually looked like dog shit. Like his nose was way too big and he was too small and his head was giant. That makes no sense because people don’t look like that. Now when I look at Mario, I get turned on. Mario is hot, the way Nintendo would have wanted him to be. He’s a sexy plumber and he’s epic.

The environment is also finally textured. 343 threw a ton of textures onto all the surfaces of pretty much everything, making it look so real. It’s crazy, I actually loved Super Mario 64 back in the day but now when I look at it compared to 343’s remake it looks so… plain. It’s almost embarrassing how your eye is forced to focus on Mario while playing because of the simplistic environments. Now your eyes can feast upon hundreds of textures in every single view of the game, never once forcing you to focus on just some boring red guy.

But most importantly, 343 blasted the contrast up in Super Mario 64 Anniversary and thank god. If you look around in real life, you’ll quickly notice that it has super high contrast. That’s why upping the contrast in video games makes them look so much more realistic. Thank you, 343, for so dramatically increasing the contrast of Super Mario 64 Anniversary, finally bringing Super Mario 64 into the modern age of gaming.

I guess all I can say is this: as soon as I get my grubby sausage fingers onto a copy of Super Mario 64 Anniversary, I am beyond excited to take every copy I own of the original, and melt them in a big pile in my oven. Because those will be the Super Mario 64s of the past. And 343 is holding our hand as we step head first into the future. The future of this love letter to the original.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

I Did 200 Pushups Daily for 30 Days and Now I Sing in a Beatdown Hardcore Band

Posted on by Bobby D. Lux

You wouldn’t be able to tell now because of my thick pecs but I used to look like a real dork. That’s because I was one. I was skinny and flabby. Musically, it was worse. My singing voice was high pitched and there was no palpable anger in it. It culminated with me getting kicked out of my ska band because “even ska doesn’t want your tuba.” Then, I started doing push ups. Now I’m one jacked motherfucker and I sing lead vocals in a beatdown hardcore band. FUCK YES.

I made myself do two-hundred a day. The first few days were tough. I thought listening to music would help so I cranked up some Streetlight Manifesto. It took me almost sixteen hours to get them all in. I never thought I’d last.

On day four I noticed a change. Physically AND mentally. Fuck those horns! All horn players suck. On a whim, I streamed Sick of it All for the first time. The pushups got easier. I discovered Madball and suddenly I could get through a hundred push-ups without stopping or even breathing.

Within days my life became a rich symphony of pushups, Agnostic Front, pushups, Earth Crisis, pushups, 25 Ta Life, pushups, and Hatebreed. By day thirty, I was a new man. I could almost do that thing where you bounce your pecs one at a time. It was time to go to a hardcore show. I didn’t know where to find one, but it was like my pecs just pulled me toward a venue like the beacons for hardcore they’d become.

That’s when my life really changed.

This dude, Mikey Shinbreaker, comes up to me at the show. Says his band’s singer just caught three-to-five years on B-and-E charge and that I looked like I could sing. After beating the living shit out of him, I hugged him and cried. And now? I’m the brand new singer for Cranial Assault. All because of push-ups.

I’ve also been lacing my steroids with cocaine but I doubt that played much of a factor.