I Did 200 Pushups Daily for 30 Days and Now I Sing in a Beatdown Hardcore Band

Posted on by Bobby D. Lux

You wouldn’t be able to tell now because of my thick pecs but I used to look like a real dork. That’s because I was one. I was skinny and flabby. Musically, it was worse. My singing voice was high pitched and there was no palpable anger in it. It culminated with me getting kicked out of my ska band because “even ska doesn’t want your tuba.” Then, I started doing push ups. Now I’m one jacked motherfucker and I sing lead vocals in a beatdown hardcore band. FUCK YES.

I made myself do two-hundred a day. The first few days were tough. I thought listening to music would help so I cranked up some Streetlight Manifesto. It took me almost sixteen hours to get them all in. I never thought I’d last.

On day four I noticed a change. Physically AND mentally. Fuck those horns! All horn players suck. On a whim, I streamed Sick of it All for the first time. The pushups got easier. I discovered Madball and suddenly I could get through a hundred push-ups without stopping or even breathing.

Within days my life became a rich symphony of pushups, Agnostic Front, pushups, Earth Crisis, pushups, 25 Ta Life, pushups, and Hatebreed. By day thirty, I was a new man. I could almost do that thing where you bounce your pecs one at a time. It was time to go to a hardcore show. I didn’t know where to find one, but it was like my pecs just pulled me toward a venue like the beacons for hardcore they’d become.

That’s when my life really changed.

This dude, Mikey Shinbreaker, comes up to me at the show. Says his band’s singer just caught three-to-five years on B-and-E charge and that I looked like I could sing. After beating the living shit out of him, I hugged him and cried. And now? I’m the brand new singer for Cranial Assault. All because of push-ups.

I’ve also been lacing my steroids with cocaine but I doubt that played much of a factor.

School Boasts Smaller Class Sizes After COVID Deaths

Posted on by Tyler Dark

OSPREY, Fla. — The Sarasota Friends School was pleased to announce this week that in addition to maintaining its status as one of the county’s top schools, it can now boast smaller class sizes after a large percentage of their student body was decimated by COVID-19.

“It will certainly be a relief to have classrooms that aren’t so crowded,” said Spanish teacher Janine DiNardo, as she used the last $11 on her debit card to buy chalk on Amazon. “It’s a shame so many kids died, but we can’t just keep schools closed. And now that I can give each of them more individual attention, I can know that the work I am doing for poverty wages will be that much more worthwhile.”

Parents were also pleasantly surprised that their children would be returning to a potentially viral cesspool of a slightly higher quality.

“To be honest, I was thrilled when I received the newsletter,” claimed Kathryn Gilroy, whose two surviving children both attend Sarasota Friends. “This wave of deaths practically cut class sizes in half, and I think a more intimate classroom setting will help my kids a lot. Their lung capacity might go down, but darn it, those grades are going up! You’ve gotta look at it like a glass half-full kind of thing.”

Members of the Sarasota County Board of Education were quick to cite the advantages of a lower student-to-teacher ratio as their primary reason for opening schools at full capacity at the end of August.

“What a joy it is to know that we can still foster growth in young minds during a time of utter peril,” remarked superintendent James Reeves, who made the final call to reopen schools. “They say a healthy brain is essential to a person’s overall well-being, so it’s important our kids fight this killer respiratory disease with the power of knowledge.”

Sarasota Friends students will also return to classes knowing that since so many of their classmates are dead, each of them will now get to have a part in the school’s musical.

Opinion: People Who Fight Against Cultural Appropriation Are My Spirit Animals

Posted on by Matt Wassung

Television legend Mr. Rogers once said, “Look for the helpers.” In these times, we need these helpers more than ever. The helpers I look to are those who fight against cultural appropriation. They are totally my spirit animals.

Cultural appropriation, if you’re still an un-woke white person (like I used to be!) and don’t know, is the practice of one culture borrowing elements from another culture. This is especially shitty when white people borrow from disadvantaged and exploited cultures. I was talking about this on a recent Vision Quest getaway at an upstate sweat lodge with my friends.

Before receiving our sacramental peyote in the sweat lodge from our shaman, Todd, we discussed how, as white people, we need to acknowledge our privilege and keep an eye out for cultural appropriation. It’s not always obvious!

One of my friends from Minnesota, who owns the Williamsburg clothing store “Sari I Look So Good”, asked how we can help. I said the best thing to do was to listen to those who have already been fighting this fight and be a good ally to those who are most affected by it. Ask some of them to pow-wow with you and you can talk to them about how your biases and upbringing can blind you to the appropriation that is happening right in front of you. These guys need all the help they can get.

Also, I just don’t understand those who say cultural appropriation isn’t a big issue, or worse, think it’s not real. These people really make me want to commit seppuku. My friend Chad has an authentic Soul Food joint in DUMBO and he gets in these debates with these ignorant people all the time. It’s hurtful and weird to hear people deny something that clearly exists. Get woke yo.

The warriors who fight against this wack-ass bullshit are truly an inspiration to me. In solidarity, I plan to get a tattoo that says “Fuck Cultural Appropriation!” in Chinese characters on my wrist. For now, I have a placeholder version in henna.

For now, the battle continues. We must all stay aware of calling out cultural appropriation in all its forms. Namaste!

World’s Last Known Remaining Grunge Band Captured, Displayed at Seattle Zoo

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SEATTLE — Amy’s Regret, the last known grunge band on the planet, were successfully captured in the wild last week and will be rehabilitated and put on display in Seattle’s Woodland Park Zoo next summer.

“We thought bands of this genre went extinct over 20 years ago,” zoologist Dr. Dawn Hayes, Ph.D. said. “Many species thought to be grunge have since been recategorized as rock or indie, but Amy’s Regret is true grunge down to the DNA: every member is clad in authentic flannel shirts; some even tie the shirts around their waist in a display of dominance. When we saw their dirty, distorted guitars; mellower punk rock vibe; and that they rely more on the bass than similar species, we knew we’d found a rarity. We’re excited to show them off to the general public… many of whom aren’t old enough to have ever seen a grunge band in real life.”

Many, however, feel the band should not be held in captivity.

“These are lone creatures meant to remain in isolation,” environmentalist and Amy’s Regret fan Vivian Brewer said after chaining herself to the band’s cage. “No grunge band has ever produced an album in captivity. They should be put back in Rainier National Park where they were found camping, unless they decide to play Lollapalooza next year, which I really hope they do.”

For their part, the band members themselves don’t seem to mind their new accommodations.

“I dunno, man. It’s pretty nice. I got a coffee pot, and a mattress on the floor… I haven’t lived this well in a while,” guitarist Dennis Owen said. “Sure, it’ll be weird to have kids watching and pointing at me all day long, but we haven’t been this popular since we opened for Candlebox in ’98. And they hooked me up with some new jeans, which is cool, because my last pair was so ripped up they barely counted as pants.”

Zoologists hope to introduce the band to an authentic Riot Grrrl group captured outside of Mount Hood last year in the hopes the two might collaborate.

Ocasio-Cortez Given Speedrun Slot at DNC

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MILWAUKEE — The Democratic National Committee has granted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a “speedrun” slot at tonight’s convention to show off her skills in the Digestible Progressivism For Republicans Any% category.

“We’re very excited about having AOC at the convention and we’re all rooting for her to hit world record,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “We have encouraged Ocasio-Cortez to make good use of the Policy Skip technique that lets speakers save crucial minutes in their speech by not once discussing actual policies. A lot of supporters criticize Any% speedruns because they use glitches to skip what they consider ‘important’ parts of the speech, but that’s part of the fun!”

Despite Pelosi’s insistence on the importance of speedrunning speeches at the DNC, various other speakers have been given extra long spaces at the convention, including former Republican governor John Kasich.

“Everybody loves a good long play,” Kasich explained. “Our nation really needs to hear my message of unity in the time of Trump and that’s why the DNC is letting me just go off for, I dunno, three hours or so — until I get bored and feel like logging off — to repeat the same few platitudes over and over again. And I’m not editing it, either; people love to see the raw stuff. I’m even gonna keep me figuring out my microphone at the top.”

When reached for comment, we hung up on Ocasio-Cortez about three seconds into the call due to that being all the time we granted her for the interview.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Fed Up Boyfriend Downloading Overcooked Knows Exactly What He’s Doing

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

CHICAGO — 27-year-old Jimmy Pryor downloaded the popular party game Overcooked 2 onto his Nintendo Switch which he shares with his girlfriend, Natalie Paige, with an ulterior motive, according to those familiar with the situation. 

“Look, I’m just way too much of a pussy to break up with her so I bought Overcooked. That oughta do it, right?” Pryor reportedly confided in a friend. “I’m not the kinda guy who’s gonna cheat on his girlfriend to get him to break up with him. But I am the kinda guy to buy a co-op game for his girlfriend that is so infuriating it consistently breaks couples up.”

Despite being open with his friends, Pryor has kept coy with his girlfriend who does not suspect anything about the choice of game to play together.

“I can’t wait to play!” remarked Paige with an optimism she would grow to regret. “Jimmy’s been so distant lately. I’ve been trying to spend more quality time with him, go on walks, having a date night, or whatever — but he’s always turning me down. I was so excited when he came to me with something new for us to try. Jimmy knows me so well, too; I take cooking stuff very very seriously. So this is going to be a blast!” 

Sensing a trend, the developing studio behind Overcooked 2, Ghost Town Games, has laid out a list of ideal strategies for the game on their website along with a number for a couples therapist.

“Success in Overcooked relies on effective communication and adapting to change,” stated Phil Duncan, founder of Ghost Town Games. “Commitment to your partner’s needs and goals is how you win. It is a game that should be avoided at all costs by young couples in a struggling relationship. I really can’t stress that enough. My girlfriend and I playtested the game a ton before it came out. We’re not dating anymore.” 

At press time, friends of Pryor have confirmed that he has been practicing Overcooked’s solo mode and as well as practicing real life cooking’s solo mode.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Disgraced Big Bird Arrested for Loitering in the “Sesame Street” Red Light District

Posted on by Daniel Menegaz

NEW YORK — Huge, anthropomorphic canary and “Sesame Street” cast member Big Bird was arrested late last night for loitering outside of the Love Puppet, a sex club in the “Sesame Street” Red Light District, distressed PBS representatives confirmed.

“I don’t think any of this is very fair. I just heard I could learn a fun new dance if I asked for ‘Sugar’ at the Love Puppet,” said the beloved children’s show character after conferring with his attorney. “But I wasn’t in there very long before a police man wrestled me to the ground — he put me in handcuffs, and even brought out a tiny little pair for my teddy bear, Radar. And he asked me if I understood my rights as he read them to me, but he didn’t even have a storybook. I just want to go home to my nest.”

Muppet police officer Krupky suggested a different story.

“I responded to a call that someone was mocking and humiliating Love Puppet patrons with basic, easily understandable questions about their activities at the club,” claimed Krupky. “I arrived at the scene to a coked-out, 8-foot-tall avian asking customers if they’d like to learn what the letter ‘D’ stands for. Per my conflict escalation training, I instinctively reached for my gun, but luckily for everyone, Big Bird’s imaginary friend Snuffleupagus jumped in front of him before I could pull the trigger.”

PBS is seizing the opportunity to teach its young audience about the more mature subjects involved.

“Sex work, masturbation, drug use, police brutality, Miranda rights: take your fucking pick, right? Big Bird, a children’s icon, arrested at a gentlemen’s club? I mean, the general public didn’t even know ‘Sesame Street’ had a red light district. That’s a buffet of trauma we’re going to get to unpack for years,” said Howard Dougherty, a writer on the show. “Of course, ‘Sesame Street’ has a long history of educating children on real world issues. But we haven’t had something that hits this close to home since the Count came out as an anti-vaxxer.”

Furthering the “Sesame Street” star’s legal woes, Big Bird’s name was reportedly mentioned several times in a recently unsealed email correspondence between Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell.

Suburban Dad Star Struck After Conversing with Real Life Police Officer

Posted on by Dicky Stock

PEMBROKE, Mass. — Local Dad and Lowe’s sales associate Brian Weckbacher was “giddy as a schoolboy” yesterday after conversing with police officer Ben Henry inside a Dunkin’ Donuts.

“Any time I drive by a cop, I always wave — I just want them to know how much I love and respect their work,” said Weckbacher, wearing a “Sons of Anarchy” shirt, cargo shorts, and fisherman sandals. “When I walked inside and saw an actual police officer waiting in line like an average Joe, I insisted I buy him his coffee. I asked if this was the regular time he usually comes to Dunks’ in the morning, and he said he sometimes hits Marylou’s when his favorite barista isn’t in school, but that typically, this is his normal spot. Now I know when to come in here for my coffee and chocolate stick; hopefully I can talk shop with him again. He’s a very cool guy — he even had a gun and pepper spray. Wow! What a day.”

Ofc. Henry was pleased by the exchange, which included an offer to landscape his yard in addition to the free coffee.

“He’s a good kid, got a good head on his shoulders,” said Henry, a full five years younger than Weckbacher. “It feels good to know I made his day. The little guy was shaking the entire time — he was trying to play it cool, but I could tell he was excited to be talking to a police officer like the ones he’s seen on TV. All in a day’s work.”

UMass Boston psychology professor Daniel Carswell claimed fanboy interactions between aging white males and officers are on the rise.

“Small-town cops have become rockstars to many white suburbanites in America today,” said Carswell. “They see their friends adorning their trucks and gun lockers with the ‘Punisher’ logo and that black, white, and blue parody of the American flag, and they just want to be cool like their peers. It’s turned into this fad of people appreciating the police for doing not much. Respecting the police is a hot trend right now — in this way, the police are a bit like beanie babies, but less valuable in a lot of ways.”

At press time, Henry was reportedly driving Pembroke’s one homeless person deep into the woods, with plans of leaving her there in hopes she won’t find her way back to town.

We Sat Down With 1940s LGBTQ Icon Bugs Bunny

Posted on by Freelancer

Arguably one of the most famous actors of the 20th century, Bugs Bunny developed a new sense of comedy, sarcasm, and stunt work in motion pictures. Yet for some reason, history has largely ignored his pioneering, brave display of non-heteronormative qualities.

We sat down with Bugs Bunny to discuss his proud LGBTQ portrayals dating back to the 1940’s.

THE HARD TIMES: Do you remember the first time that you decided to come out to your coworkers?
BUGS BUNNY: What’s up, Doc? Of course I do! I was getting fresh with  Gossamer in a Warner Bros. dressing room when ol’ Chuck Jones walked in and his eyes bulged out of his head! I says, “Hey Chuck- that’s my move!”
And did Chuck Jones accept you?
Accept me? He wrote me! He knew I was a bisexual drag queen before even I did. But trust me- if you saw Gossamer naked, your eyes would bug out too.
Fair enough. How did you discover your love for drag?
It was a bright spring day, and I’m on the run from Elmer. He thinks he has me cornered, but I give him a big ol’ smooch right on the kisser. I turn around and run through a clothing line. When I pop out the other side, I’m in a pink brassiere and girdle and thought- ya know what? This feels right!
Have you been dating during quarantine at all?
Well, ever since Lola and I broke up, I’ve mostly been hitting Tinder and Raya. I had a fun weekend with Vegeta in Albuquerque, but he’s a little too intense for my tastes. I’m going to look for something serious in the fall.
Ahh, so you hope to find a partner in cuffing season?
Actually, autumn is ass-eating season.
Historically, fall is cuffing season.
Ass-eating season!
Cuffing season.
Ass-eating season!
Cuffing season!
Cuffing season!
Ass-eating season!
See? Told ya! Ain’t I a stinker? I still got it! Aww, don’t feel bad Doc- here, have a stogie with me!
Wow, is this a Macanudo? Thanks Bugs!
*cigar explodes*
HOO! HOO HOO! HOO HOO HOO!
You’re despicable. Any final thoughts before we leave?
Hmm, lemmie see lemmie see lemmie see… uhhhhh, black trans lives, they matter! Eat your vegetables! ACAB! And that’s all, folks!