My Bloody Valentine Guitarist Adds Several Unnecessary Foot Pedals to Bicycle

Posted on by Bobby Korec

DUBLIN, Ireland — My Bloody Valentine guitarist Kevin Shields manually installed a number of superfluous foot pedals to his one-speed bicycle today after a handful of bike shops refused to comply with the special request.

“The extra pedals are just for effect,” Shields said while adjusting the seat on his custom bicycle notably colored with bursts of pink hues and magenta swirls. “It creates a mixture of ethereal whirring sounds as you press down on each pedal, while the swooshing wind juxtaposes a tonal and dream-like layer. You just have to hear for yourself to understand. Sure, I’m forced to stare at my shoes and can’t look at the road while riding, so I may not look as cool as standard two-pedalers… but crashing into ditches a few times a week is totally worth it for a style of bike riding that will surely break ground and gain recognition in 20 to 25 years.”

Prior to installing the pedals himself, Shields was turned away from several bike shops.

“He was pretty pissed when I told him there’s no need to reinvent the bicycle wheel,” said Jenny Mayers, owner of Spokes and Blokes. “I tried to explain that excess pedals would simply drown out all pedals at once and render the bike useless. Maybe it looks exotic from an outsider’s perspective, but I just can’t see how that could be a good experience for anyone… especially live in-person as a viewer.”

Music historians believe musicians crave consistency in their day-to-day lives.

“Shoegaze bands are all about excess,” said music critic Tanya Davidson. “For every pedal a regular band owns, shoegaze groups want a good eight or nine. We’ve seen this behavior carry over into their daily lives as well: it’s a known fact that the guitarist for Slowdive keeps at least 12 vacuum cleaners on hand, and will often keep a few running overnight as a makeshift white noise machine. Long story short, it’s no surprise that shoegaze is the genre most known for hoarding.”

At press time, Shields was asking a visibly confused mechanic how many extra gas and brake pedals he’s allowed to install in his car.

Boyfriend Knows Name of Actress From AT&T Commercial

Posted on by Collin Preciado

ST. LOUIS — Local boyfriend Evan Rowe revealed to his girlfriend, Kate Loar, that he knows the name of the actress from the AT&T commercial that just played on TV.

“I guess I just blurted it out without thinking,” said Rowe. “I’m not sure when I even learned it. Just one of those random facts, I guess. She’s been in some TV shows and stuff and I’m a fan of her work. That’s all. Nothing weird.”

“I’m a big comedy nerd, you know? I loved her web series Live Prude Girls back in the day,” he added, “and I’m pretty sure she was in Silicone — er, sorry Silicon Valley. Fuck.”

The tragic miscalculation occurred seconds after the actress, Milana Vayntrub, appeared on Rowe’s television at approximately 11:15 PM during a commercial break of the NHL playoffs.

“I just think it’s interesting that he would know her name,” said Loar. “I didn’t make a big deal out of it or anything. I wasn’t even upset when I looked through his Instagram follows and noticed that he follows her. But I am a little suspicious because it’s pretty clear he knows exactly who she is even though he tried to play it off like he was just randomly remembering it by chance.”

“He even tried to play it off like he might be wrong,” she continued. “He could tell it was weird and then was like, ‘I think that’s it. Is that it?’ But he definitely knew it. He knew it right away.”

When questioned about this, Rowe appeared to be at a loss for words.

“I… Instagram, huh? Weird,” remarked Rowe. “Are you sure? Huh. Huh.”

At press time, Vayntrub did not return requests for comment despite several attempts to reach her by phone, email, Instagram, Twitter, unofficial Facebook fanpage, and typing her name in the email address bar followed by @gmail.com just in case.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Police Abduct Enough Protesters to Upgrade Unmarked Van with Cool Flame Skin

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

PORTLAND, Ore. — Police and federal troops have reportedly abducted enough protesters to upgrade their unmarked vans with a variety of cosmetic skins, according to sources within the Department of Homeland Security.

“Let me be clear that the unmarked nature of the federal vehicles in Portland was in no way intended as a scare tactic or a cover-up,” said acting DHS secretary Chad Wolf. “We’ve found that one of the best ways to motivate our boys to violate the inherent human rights of all people is by offering them the opportunity to earn free cosmetics. Whether they’re an ICE officer detaining migrants with legitimate claims for asylum, or a Border Patrol boy stuffing a peaceful Portland mom into the back of a van without telling her why, the sense of pride and accomplishment they can get by showing off their hard-earned cosmetics is a key part of our country’s new ‘Fascism as a Service’ model.”

One federal officer was spotted sharing a photo of his new van on Instagram, sporting an epic-quality flame skin that one commenter described as “…almost as sick as I was after you pepper sprayed me in the face.” Other photos on the officer’s feed included an uncommon pair of pre-licked boots and a rare can of lime green tear gas.

“Yeah I felt kinda weird about it at first but man I love a battle pass, it really gives me a reason to come to work every day and beat the shit out of some peaceful American citizens,” said the officer, who provided his thoughts and committed acts of violence both on the condition of anonymity. “Where we droppin’, Chicago? Detroit? I’m ready for a grind sesh with the squad, at level 24 I get a little middle finger charm for my rifle! I love my job!”

While many Americans have spoken out against the rampant police brutality in the wake of George Floyd’s death, this season’s cosmetic rewards have received praise even from the protesters themselves.

“Honestly, their skins are way cooler than the ones the Antifa faction gets,” said one protester who requested to remain anonymous out of fear for the safety of her family. “The only drop I got was this deep gouge on my wrist from when they cinched the zip-ties too tight. The highest level skin we can get is just a bloody eye, it’s not great motivation to keep protesting.”

At press time, the DHS had just revealed a new set of unlockable emotes, allowing federal troops to Floss, Dab, and T-Pose over migrant children illegally separated from their families.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Trump’s Approval Rating Reportedly 40% Among Last Remaining American

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — President Trump’s approval rating has failed to crack the 40% mark among the last remaining American who managed to survive the pandemic and political crackdown that left most Americans dead, imprisoned, or fleeing the country as refugees, political analysts revealed today.

“I was willing to give Trump a chance four years ago, but I just don’t think the country is headed in the right direction anymore,” noted the sole surviving American voter Carl Hendrick from his underground bunker. “I’m not really thrilled that the Democrats seem to be pushing towards socialism, but I just feel Trump is in over his head right now. I’d rather have a President who can get a handle on the situation, so that I can begin rebuilding society and searching for members of my family who went north during Trump’s ‘Night of Endless Death.’”

Pundits note that Trump’s approach to the pandemic, supposed civil unrest, and his political opponents lacked the resonant message with suburban voters it once did.

“The President was clearly banking on his 2016 strategy of ‘white grievance politics’ to work again in 2020. The problem is it seems most, if not all, of his base were wiped out because they thought masks made them look stupid,” remarked Nate Silver, in a letter smuggled out of a MAGA Reeducation Camp. “Now that the dollar is worthless, 90% of the country is on fire, and Trump has taken over the nation’s water supply, his message is falling flat on the American voter.”

Trump, however, insisted that his approval rating was the result of fake polling.

“It’s fake news, fake news. That’s what I keep saying. I’ve seen the real numbers — these numbers would knock your socks off, they really would,” said the President during his daily briefing to nobody. “Even though I’ve had most of the fake news media shut down or arrested and the ‘Do-Nothing Democrats’ purged and exiled, they’re still pumping out this false data that Your Favorite President isn’t loved by the one American I somehow spared.”

Hendrick’s next vote for President is still undecided, as he hates Joe Biden and doesn’t want to throw his vote away on a third-party candidate.

Activist Metalhead Wants Racial Justice, Right to Bring Swords on Planes

Posted on by Ted Pillow

MILWAUKEE — Activist metalhead Ricky Miranda vowed today to fight tirelessly for racial justice, as well as the right to carry gigantic broadswords onto commercial airline flights, according to supportive but confused sources.

“I’m sick of seeing people of color oppressed, discriminated against, and murdered in our streets,” Miranda shouted while protesting outside of the mayor’s office. “America needs to confront this head-on, and it’s time we organize and make our voices heard in the metal community. Everybody, after me: When I say, ‘Black lives!’ you say, ‘Matter!’ When I say, ‘Swords!’ you say, ‘Should be allowed in a carry-on bag or considered a personal item if they fit under the seat in front of you!’”

According to sources close to Miranda, however, he has only recently shown interest in current events and social justice.

“He never used to be involved in politics or anything,” noted Miranda’s longtime girlfriend Annabelle Porter. “But he’s really changed in the last few years. I think he’s been radicalized by reading ‘Between the World and Me’ by Ta-Nehisi Coates, and getting kicked off a Spirit Airlines flight to Cleveland for bringing on a replica 9th-century Viking sword. Which, might I add, he didn’t even brandish! Fucking Spirit.”

Although not typically associated with progressive activism, the metal community has a history of advocating for obscure and unusual causes.

“I’ve studied heavy metal extensively, and found several instances of metalheads fighting for issues important to them,” noted Dr. Alejandro Reyes, a professor of musicology at Marquette University. “There was the famous Seattle protest in 1985 for the right to ride motorcycles indoors; there were the rallies in Pittsburgh to lower the drinking age to 13 for domestic beer and malt liquor… and, of course, the 1993 march on D.C. to replace ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ with Pantera’s ‘Primal Concrete Sledge.’”

Miranda’s next attempt is to mobilize his Twitter followers to join him in a pledge to only purchase scythes, custom van accessories, and exotic snakes from black-owned businesses.

Tattoo Artist Really Moved How This Frog Represents Customer’s Dead Sister Or Something

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Local tattoo artist “Big” Frank Kowlaski admitted today that he was profoundly impacted by a tattoo he inked last week of a frog that represented his client’s “recently deceased sister or some shit.”

“So this normal-looking lady came in on Thursday, and I’m immediately thinking, ‘butterfly on lower back.’ But then she drops this brutal fucking story on me about how her sister died trying to save her dog from being attacked by, like, a bear or something? I don’t know… I think she said she and her sister used to listen to frogs at a lake or a river or some crap. Are there frogs in a zoo? Maybe it was a zoo,” said a visibly moved Kowalski. “You know, I have a sister too, and we never heard any frogs or any of that bullshit. We haven’t talked in like, 20 years, and last I heard she was in jail. So that’s kind of like, dead.”

Customer Hannah Becker was surprised by Kowalski’s intensely emotional response.

“When you see a tough-looking guy like Big Frank, you don’t expect him to be so caring. But telling him about my sister Sarah and the frogs, he just stared at me without saying a word — in fact, he didn’t say a word pretty much the entire hour-and-a-half tattoo. My story was so touching, this big man was completely speechless,” said Becker. “Oh, and while we’re on the subject, this was my first tattoo. Is it normal for an artist to take a half-hour smoke break with his friends and then charge me a full two hours?”

While tribute tattoos have risen in popularity, many experts warn this trend isn’t without consequences.

“Since all those bullshit tattoo shows were on the air, everyone needs a tribute tattoo to a dead relative, or a pet, or even a job they really liked. I’m not sure these people realize the old guard of tattoo artists were bikers, and I’m sorry, but I’m not trusting my dead grandmother’s portrait to a guy who also sells crank to pay the bills,” said Tattoo Workers United President Dan Romanov. “And the new guard, the real artist types… they didn’t sign up to listen to these terrible stories every day. We’re giving these poor people PTSD. Come in, get a sun or a badass skull in flames, pay, and leave. Have some humanity!”

Kowalski was unavailable for further comment, as he was being forced to listen to why a particular bible verse was so meaningful to his next customer.

Uh Oh! I Butt Dialed Conor Oberst and Now It’s the First Track on His New Album

Posted on by KC Phillips

Life sure is a trip. One minute you’re trying to drive and eat a comically oversized pretzel at the same time and the next minute your phone is accidentally dialing the personal number of Rolling Stone magazine’s Songwriter of the Year 2008 Conor Oberst. And the NEXT next minute a 90-second recording of yourself screaming at traffic and eating a pretzel is being reviewed by Pitchfork as a “masterpiece in American earnestness.”

This is not good for my image.

I swear, most of the time when I’m belligerently yelling, I don’t accidentally call Conor Oberst and complain about pretzel oil all over my hands. Most of the time I don’t even HAVE pretzel oil on my hands. But when I butt-dialed his number I went straight to voicemail and left a message that Conor used without my permission!

You think pretzel-rants are free!?! Where’s the money, Conor? At least for you to pay for the damage I did to my front end while trying to eat and drive.

And the critics love it! They’re eating it up (like me and that pretzel)! Now millions of adoring fans of the Bright Eyes pretty boy think that I’m making some kind of insightful statement when I shout at the car in front of me for making me spill my mustard. I know the way I stammered “I can’t let go of this thing and it’s ruined my life” sounds introspective, but I am saying it because my hand is literally stuck inside of one of the loops of the pretzel.

I know what you’re thinking: you’d think it’d be easier to get out with all that oil, but your hand can get wedged in all that bread real good and it WILL make you rear-end the car in front of you.

Look, this isn’t my first rodeo. One time I called Will Toledo because his number is one number different from the Pizza Hut in my city; he recorded me singing my “pizza song” (he renamed it) and included it on Twin Fantasy. Now I get a check for 80 cents every month.

Everyone accidentally calls an artistic genius sometimes. But they should have to pay you if you talk about how much you hate traffic and love pretzels for 23 minutes, even if they only use 90 seconds. That’s just the right thing to do.

Goth Mom Hangs “Die, Cry, Hate” Sign in Family Rumpus Room

Posted on by Laura McCarthy

RACINE, Wis. — Goth enthusiast and mother of four Obsidia Darque Jackson added a charming new “Die, Cry, Hate” sign to her family’s rumpus room yesterday in hopes of darkening-up the space.

“I really like what it does for the atmosphere,” Jackson said while gesturing towards an area styled in mid-12th-century modern décor. “It really brings out that big bowl of fake, dead fruit on the coffin table, and all those pillows with raven silhouettes on the couch. Plus, when I got it, they gave me a coupon for 20% off my next purchase at Michael’s, which isn’t anything to turn your nose up at.”

Not everyone in the Jackson household is as excited about the new wooden sign, however.

“I hate it. It’s a basic-ass decoration. And it feels symptomatic of a greater, more commercial change in my wife,” said her husband, Acantha Blue, his arms crossed tightly over his studded leather vest. “She’s straying from the alt scene and becoming a walking Evanescence song — a total poser. She’s used Facebook to invite friends to industrial raves instead of passing out fliers in streets three times this year… and don’t think I haven’t noticed her waning ability to scream in fluent German. Plus, she hardly wears her bridge piercing anymore. What’s next — tanned skin and a foosball table?”

Others agreed, citing Jackson’s dwindling authenticity to the goth scene.

“When I first met the Jacksons, they were the picture-perfect goth couple, rattling my walls with Type O Negative and dark wave music well into the morning,” said neighbor and local school principal Frank Maslowski. “Nowadays, I barely hear Joy Division after 10 p.m. So trad. No wonder her kids don’t consider the lifestyle as cool as it used to be.”

Darque vehemently denied her sign is evidence she’s becoming a mall goth, claiming that she’s as “committed to the scene as ever” and citing her new job as a distributor for HerbaDeath.

Gamers Riot in Streets to Ensure Epic Gets Better Revenue Sharing Deal With Apple

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SEATTLE — In response to the escalating tension between Apple and Epic, masses of angry gamers have taken to the streets to show support for the latter and demand they are able to continue selling Fortnite skins without paying the standard fee Apple demands.

“If I’m understanding this correctly, and I’m fairly certain that I am, Apple has for too long demanded an unfair cut of all transactions done through their operating system,” said Ethan Reynolds, as he chucked a brick through the window of a downtown Apple store and proceeded to set the structure ablaze. “Epic Games simply is asking us to reexamine the standard thirty percent tax they take. Now let’s burn 100 percent of this motherfucker to the ground! This is extremely important to me!”

Epic Games, which was recently valued at roughly $1.7 billion, made waves earlier this week by beginning to sell Fortnite’s V-Buck currency through their game’s storefront and bypassing Apple’s normal fee that is added onto all in-game transactions, offering players more value for their money than ever before. The friction between companies has escalated since, with a pending lawsuit indicating that there is no end in sight to the conflict. 

“We here at Apple frankly aren’t used to being questioned, so this has all been very wild for us,” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, Inc. “And we really didn’t see this escalating into riots across the country, much less this quickly. We take responsibility for our part in all of this though; those nice Fortnite clothes were undoubtedly a couple of dollars too expensive.”

The rioting continued well into the night, with the gathering continuing to increase in number, although some were reportedly unsure about the motivation behind them. 

“I didn’t realize this was a video game thing when I joined what I thought was a protest in front of City Hall,” said Teagan Beasley, who had participated in several protests in the same area over the previous few months.. “But after talking to the people here for about a half hour, I think I understand what is going on. It’s not so much that we should feel bad for Epic, it’s that they’re taking an important stand against Apple so that none of us have to pay them thirty percent of … no wait, I lost it again.” 

As of press time, Fortnite has since been removed from the iOS store, and in retaliation, Epic has taken those apples that heal you a little bit out of Fortnite.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

John Hodgman Beats the Shit Out of Justin Long in New Fortnite Video

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Epic Games has furthered their legal battle with Apple by releasing a video featuring John Hodgman and Justin Long reprising their roles as Mac and PC in which Hodgman beats the shit out Long.

“I’m a Mac,” says the casually dressed Justin Long in the new video just before Hodgman, in formal wear, replies, “And I’m a PC. That means I’m not created by a company that hates Fortnite.” He then reveals a baseball bat and slams it into Long’s gut, causing him to barrel over.

Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney said that the Fortnite team has been trying to turn the disagreement between the two companies into something a little more fun for fans.

“First and foremost, we wanted to make sure that the video was funny. Fans should have fun watching our content!” Sweeney explained. “Secondly, however, we want to remind our fans that they have to pick a side. This is a war. You cannot sit idly by and you definitely can’t support Apple, right? Now, am I saying we’re going to beat you down with a baseball bat if you’re not on #TeamEpic? Of course not. But I’m also not not saying it either.”

Despite the popularity of the video, Apple CEO Tim Cook insists that fans should remain firmly on the Apple side of the battle.

“I thought the video was really cute. I think everyone knows this is just a friendly disagreement between our two corporations,” Cook said. “And everyone also knows that they should stay on the Apple side of things, lest they face the consequences. No one wants to be a social monster, cast aside by their friends and family, when they show up in text messages with a green bubble just because they thought they could side with Fortnite. So let’s all just have some fun and take a moment to remember who really has the power here.”

At press time, millions of children across the world, realizing Fortnite had been removed from their iPhones, opened up their Minecraft app.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: