It’s 1 a.m., the party is winding down, most of your real friends have left, and there are just a few stragglers hanging around your apartment taking advantage of the open bar. Here are five, never fail, Frank Zappa tracks you put on the speaker for a not-so-subtle hint that it is time to clear out.
Tip: For maximum effect, preface your selection by loudly asking “You guys wanna hear some REAL music?”
5. Bobby Brown
Nothing says, Please leave my home like a song about rape, watersports, and BDSM. Your guests will be grabbing their coats off your bed and heading to the door before they even catch a whiff of the irony in the song. Make sure to sing along to this one for extra effect.
4. Who Are the Brain Police?
Your guests will start to notice what time it is while this song goes on and on, seemingly never-ending. Around the five minute mark, suddenly they will remember they have to get up early in the morning. Your apartment will be empty before the song is over.
3. Valley Girl
This song gets old quick and your guests will get the idea that their presence has also grown old as well. This ham-fisted, obvious, judgmental track will not only get people to leave but get them to question why they came to your party in the first place. This is truly the litmus test of friendship; you’ll find out who came to see you and who came for the food.
2. Literally Any Frank Zappa Track
If you are not familiar with Zappa, just open Spotify and pick any track. The sound of a xylophone having a seizure will, sure enough, drive people from your home in droves. From the lazy jazz riffs to the dad-rock guitar, you will be all alone in no time no matter what song you pick.
1. Cosmik Debris
This ‘beat poet at an open mic’ track is sure-fire to let everyone know to find an exit. Beware, however, of the one dude who stays behind and wants to talk about Zappa with you. He is the worst and will not leave. It is best that you vacate your own home and stay at a hotel for the night.