Nostalgic Ex Just Called to Scream at You for Old Times Sake

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

CHICAGO — Local ex-boyfriend Dan Bakersfield hit up his ex-girlfriend last night to yell at her “like the good old days” after reaching the end of every dating app downloaded onto his phone, troubled sources confirmed.

“I can’t remember any of her interests, but I’ll never forget how angry it made me when she left orange rinds in the sink. So I figured I’d call her up, make sure she’s still doing that, and then just go to town,” Bakersfield said while sharpening a knife. “It’s been tough in quarantine, not having someone around to take all my impotent rage out on, and if she didn’t want to ever speak again, she should’ve blocked my number — it’s as simple as that. She’s crazy, and still needs someone to explain all the ways in which her behavior should change.”

For her part, ex-girlfriend Becca Rivera was not very receptive to what Bakersfield called a “nostalgic reconnection.”

“When some number I didn’t have saved popped up, I assumed it was my internet company trying to sell me some crap,” Rivera said. “I totally forgot he used to scream at me over pretty much everything until I cried. I don’t think ‘nostalgic’ is the right word… maybe more like ‘traumatic relapse’ or something. I definitely repressed the memory of pretty much our entire relationship until he called.”

Dysfunction expert Gina Andrews claimed people often ruin their prospects on dating apps before moving on to actual exes and existing friendships.

“We’re seeing an uptick in the number of people who have exhausted Bumble, Hinge, Tinder… and even more niche apps like Feeld and Wooplus, desperately searching for someone to argue with during the pandemic,” Andrews stated. “Once these people can no longer find new matches — either because the app has banned them, or they’ve merely run out of options in their areas — they start looking at past lovers as a means to expel some pent-up frustration.”

Bakersfield allegedly attempted to reach six other exes before the Chicago Police Department went to his apartment with a restraining order.

Ghost of SeeSo Warns Quibi of Inevitable Future

Posted on by Kevin Tit

LOS ANGELES — Unpopular streaming platform Quibi was visited yesterday by the ghost of NBC’s now-defunct streaming platform SeeSo, warning the young app of it’s inevitable future, multiple industry insiders confirmed.

“I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I’ve never even heard of SeeSo,” said Quibi to no one while being ignored by everyone in the world. “This ghost appeared where an ad for ‘Murder House Flip’ was supposed to be, and told me I was only destined to last as long as an episode of the ‘Reno 911’ reboot — that I was dead before I was even uploaded.”

“It’s unnerving,” the app added. “I mean, my creators put almost $2 billion into me. There’s no way in hell this SeeSo ghost knew what they were talking about, right? I’m pretty freaked out. I never wanted this. I didn’t ask to exist.”

While publicly supportive, other streaming services privately expressed concern about Quibi’s future.

“Quibi’s nice and all, but in the age of 85” 4k televisions, why in the hell would anybody want to watch content exclusively on a tiny phone screen?” said Hulu. “Even worse, there’s absolutely nothing original on their network. Shortened reboots of beloved classics? Who is this even for? Quibi ain’t nothing but a bougie YouTube.”

Jeanine Duncan, one of the eight monthly Quibi subscribers who didn’t immediately delete their account after the free week trial, offered a viewer’s perspective.

“In addition to being a Quibi subscriber, I also am a medium with the ability to communicate to dead streaming services and TV networks,” explained Duncan. “I recognized my gift back in 2007 when the ghost of WB took the form of a frog with a top hat, pleading with me to help get ‘Moesha’ and ‘The Parkers’ back on the air. And yes, I have spoken to SeeSo, and I believe Quibi should heed it’s warnings. If solid programs like ‘HarmonQuest’ and ‘Hidden America with Jonah Ray’ couldn’t save SeeSo, what hope does some lame phone app have?”

Quibi’s handlers have since convinced it that the supernatural SeeSo visit was simply a stunt orchestrated by Chance the Rapper for an episode of “Punk’d.”

Small Liberal Arts College Releases Fall Semester Classes on Vinyl

Posted on by Ella Gale

AMHERST, Mass. — Smorth College announced today that instead of face-to-face instruction, it will release its fall semester classes on vinyl, citing pandemic concerns.

“This decision will allow our students to kick back, light up a clove cigarette, and chill out to the warm tones of Linear Algebra, Advanced Genetics, and the extremely rare Object and Environment… all from the safety of whatever housing they can drum up for themselves,” said Smorth College President Maggie Monahan. “Look, I understand some students may not own record players. And to them I say, ‘Have you even really heard ‘Rumours?’ Right now we are planning on releasing all courses as LPs, while some electives will be released as EPs.”

Freshman student Avi Legrange, who occasionally deejays campus parties, is enthusiastic for Smorth’s plan.

“I’m taking a sick 19th-Century Middle Eastern History Seminar. I’m gonna spin that shit at parties after we get a vaccine,” said Legrange from a three-bedroom apartment off campus paid for by his parents. “Some of the art layout kinda blows, though — I thought the album cover for my microeconomics class would be some dope gatefold release designed by someone in Thee Silver Mt. Zion or something, but it’s just a couple of crossed lines. It was hand-numbered though, so when I flip that on eBay at the end of the semester, I could get a few extra dollars.”

Music history professor Smuthers Malone was less optimistic about the new curriculum medium.

“I was very happy when the school decided we wouldn’t be doing Zoom classes like normie sellouts… but some of my students think vinyl will let them hear a wider range of frequencies in my rants about how rock’n’roll died in 1972, and those students are imbeciles,” said Malone. “A good digital rig can produce a wider range of frequencies with better consistency. Get the hot wax out of your ears, kids, and wise up.”

A collection of Smorth College alumni have also been asked to provide incoming freshmen with mixtapes about what they can expect when they are finally allowed to return to campus.

We Brought David Bowie Back to Life but It’s Tin Machine Era Bowie So Now We Have to Kill Him Again

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

During a Hard Times office party, I said to the higher-ups we should use some of our PPP loan to perfect a way to bring the dead back to life. We all had a good laugh at it. Then the cocaine really kicked in and next thing, we’ve got these Stanford brainiacs working on this.

Wouldn’t you know it, those fucking dorks pulled it off. The Hard Times had acquired the power to bring our favorite musicians back to life and force them to hang out with us lest we send them back to whatever eternal abyss they came from.

Our first choice to resurrect was Joe Strummer, but with the state of the world, we feared he’d be too much of a buzzkill, so that was nixed. Someone suggested G.G. Allin, but we can’t even get people here to wash their dishes, so that was the end of that. Words were exchanged, someone might have been stabbed, but eventually, we settled on David Bowie.

We were all set to hang out with an era-defining genius. Unfortunately, the Poindexters who made this thing didn’t bother telling us about the time/date setting on the device that brings the deceased back from a specific era of their life. So it’s with our deepest regrets that we inform you that we have inadvertently resurrected Tin Machine Bowie.

I first thought I could fix this and talked to Bowie about his earlier work and personas, but he’s just as gung ho about Tin Machine as he was when he was actually alive, so he’s really not listening to me. I showed him some of his future work and thought maybe he’d get excited and get a jumpstart on that, but he keeps saying he wants to use this second chance to really perfect Tin Machine’s sound, so we’re at an impasse here.

The editors told me to handle this or it’s my ass, so my hand has been forced. As I write this, Bowie is sitting in the car. I told him we’re driving upstate to record at Tony Fox Sales farm. He seems to have bought this and my dad told me where he left his hunting rifle, so other than the awkward drive, this should be over fairly quick.

My plan is to lock Bowie in a small concrete bunker with an eyepatch and some orange hair dye. In 24 hours he will either morph into Halloween Jack or be dead by my hand.

Keith Richards Snorts All 10 Sauces During “Hot Ones” Appearance

Posted on by John Danek

NEW YORK – Legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards took popular interview show “Hot Ones” to a new level yesterday by snorting all 10 sauces in rapid succession.

“When it was time to bite the first wing, Keith fell face-first on the table and I thought he had a heart attack,” recounted host Sean Evans, who has never snorted hot sauce in his life. “But nope — he was fine. So fine, that instead of biting the wing, he snorted a line of our very own ‘Classic’ hot sauce and then plowed through the rest without flinching. These sauces would destroy the nasal cavity of a normal man, but he just smiled and then smeared a bunch of sauce on his gums before launching into a story about lighting a limo on fire in ’78.”

Richards is legendary for his abilities to shovel all sorts of small items in his nose.

“Keith? He fuckin’ snorts everything. I’m pretty sure that’s how he eats all of his food now,” explained former Rolling Stones bassist Bill Wyman. “One time, we were on tour in Japan… probably 1978. We’re in the middle of ‘Miss You,’ and I break my low E string and it gets jammed in the bridge. Our guitar tech can’t get it out, and neither can I, but Keith casually strolls over and snorts my broken string right out.”

“It’s probably still up there in his nasal passages, along with a few nipple piercings and a quarter-kilo,” continued Wyman. “I mean, he snorted his father’s ashes, for fuck’s sake!”

Rock historians have studied how legends from the “Golden Age of Rock” can maintain relevance in the era of social media, podcasts, and internet culture.

“It’s no surprise that Keith Richards blew the door open on ‘Hot Ones’ — his body has been pickled by drugs for decades,” explained music scholar Carla Stannick. “You could see Keith was underwhelmed by the ‘Last Dab.’ I’m assuming it’s because he thought it would get him high, but it looked like he barely got a light tickle he’d mistake as a seasonal allergy at worst.”

Richards allegedly then muttered, “I thought that was supposed to be spicy!” before snorting a mound of wasabi, yellowtail, and several ounces of soy sauce for lunch with an aperitif of cocaine and port wine.

Diddy Kong Accused of Using System of Barrels to Skip First Two Years of College

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

EAST LANSING, Mich. — Diddy Kong is the latest celebrity to stand accused of using his celebrity status to bypass the rigors of higher education, with allegations being made that a series of automated barrels shot him through the majority of the first two years of his studies at Michigan State University. 

“This is such bullshit,” said Ariella Kearns, a journalism student also studying at Michigan State. “I am out here busting my ass, working nights, then staying up studying, just to try and compete with the sons and daughters of celebrities who get actual networks of barrels constructed so that they may get shot out of class as soon as attendance is marked. A full ride plus a full ride, how is that fair?”

The case follows several high profile cases of celebrities using bribery and corrupt admissions processes to secure preferential treatment for their children, including Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin. 

“The rumors are true, and yes, I spent my freshman and sophomore years being heavily assisted by barrels shooting me all over campus,” said Diddy Kong, who made the dean’s list every semester of his first two years of enrollment. “While I thought I was taking a shortcut and cheating the system, I realize now that I was merely cheating myself. I apologize, and insist that I will do better and live up to the Kong name established by my grandfather Cranky, and my father, Donkey.” 

Many students don’t blame the young primate for taking advantage of the systematic exploitation offered to him by his celebrity status. 

“Yeah, it sucks a little,” said Gregory Lu, another Michigan State student. “But, like, I would definitely not say no to my own system of barrels. I figure, this little dude has no shot at a normal life, so why should I get mad if he wants a little privacy while navigating an overly complicated college campus? Hell, we should all have barrels for what we pay. Diddy Kong is not the problem, it’s this whole goddamned system!”

As of press time, the Ice Climbers are under a similar investigation after it was discovered that they both received scholarships despite only turning in one SAT test between them.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Gamer Spoilt for Choice Between Game She’s Tired Of and Podcast She Hates

Posted on by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Local gamer Patty Kemp reportedly had a difficult time deciding how to entertain herself yesterday evening, with exciting choices including playing a video game she is bored with, and listening to a podcast she despises.

“Being stuck inside really grates on me sometimes. Luckily, I get to keep myself occupied with all kinds of really fun content,” said Kemp, booting up her Xbox. “One of my favorite options is Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, which I’ve been slogging through for almost two years, and the quest log has only gotten longer. I think I’m supposed to be chasing down a secret mercenary group? But there’s also some sketchy priests who have my sibling, and they want a staff or something, and I’m a Spartan now. Or an Athenian, depending on the quest. I should probably read the Wiki again to get my bearings. God it sucks so much.”

In addition to the many video games she was sick of playing, Kemp also claimed to keep up with a few podcasts, all of which she found very upsetting.

“There’s this Vox podcast The Weeds, where I can learn about all the current politicians I hate, through the hyper-informed lens of these reporters, who I somehow hate even more,” said Kemp, anxiously refreshing her podcast feed. “I never miss an episode.”

After a few minutes of deliberation, Kemp reportedly made her usual choice, which was to listen to the podcast while playing the game, making it impossible to enjoy either one.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Opinion: It’s Eve 6 Not Steve 6!

Posted on by Ryan Clark

Homosexuality is a sin, plain and simple. Anyone trying to tell you these people are just like you and me are lying. They are abominations who will find nothing but faith in nothing. The mere idea of a man laying with another man makes me want to put my tender heart in a blender and watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion.

That’s why when my buddy Nick said my favorite band, EVE 6, was “gay,” I kept my composure and ensured him (and myself, admittedly) that lead singer Max Collins was married to a WOMAN. I would have said the same of bassist Jon Siebels and drummer Tony Fagenson but their Wikipedia articles are woefully under-researched.

Nick was undeterred despite the refutable facts I had laid out. He said, “yeah right, more like Steve 6.” That’s when I lost it. It’s EVE 6, not STEVE 6, you heathen!

The men and woman (but moreso the men) who perform such vulgar acts will go to hell and burn like a wicker cabinet: chalk white and oh so frail. One must resist the temptations of the flesh. One must swallow your pride and choke on the rinds because your lack of faith will leave you empty inside. If you think you’re gay, you must swallow your doubt and turn it inside out. Living in the light of our lord and savior is not as ugly, sad as you.

SoCal is where my mind states, but it’s not my state of mind. My values tend to line up with the good people of Alabama. And we concerned citizens are worried that if we let these lewd ways go unchecked they can infiltrate our neighborhoods and next thing ya know they’ll use their beautiful man-faces and chiseled physics to get me all confused again until I’m screaming at them to tie me to the bedpost!

We need to do our part to make sure that the act of lovemaking stays between a man and a woman and that kinda rapping over pop-rock guitars stays in the late ‘90s. Anything else is as demented as the motives in your head. If you aren’t willing to live your life the way Jesus intended then rendezvous and I’m through with you.

Grandma Doubling Down on the Racism After Family Institutes “Just Ignore Her” Policy

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

MUNCIE, Ind. — Local grandmother Ida Connolly increased the volume of her racist tirades yet again today since learning that her family enacted a “just ignore her” policy, uneasy relatives confirmed.

“We love Nana… it’s just, she watches a lot of Fox News, and ever since Pop-Pop died, I guess she doesn’t have anyone to talk to anymore. So she’ll go on and on about how she hates when people speak Spanish in public,” said eldest granddaughter Sarah Connolly. “Family gatherings got very tricky, so we instituted an ‘ignore Nana’ rule for everyone’s benefit. But now she’s far worse: her casual slurs have turned into outright racist rants to try to make one of us respond.”

Experts note geriatric bigotry is not unique to the Connolly family, as many members of Ida’s generation exhibit the same toddler-like behavior.

“People born in the era where they’re too young to remember the Depression and World War II and too old to be considered boomers represent a uniquely shitty worldview,” noted filmmaker Ken Burns. “They came of age in an environment where conformity was in, and the only lasting memories they have of high school is ‘segregation was good.’ By time the counterculture movement kicked off, they were already settled down and too old to actually go to Vietnam, despite supporting it. Compounding the problem, they instilled a ‘respect your elders’ worldview in their own children that rendered them too meek and helpless to push back and, so, it falls on the grandchildren to handle this bullshit.”

Indeed, Ida Connolly seemed nonplussed about the family policy.

“In my day, we always answered our elders when they called upon us, so they’re in for a surprise if I’m going to keep quiet just because they’ve stopped talking to me,” noted the octogenarian curmudgeon. “The problem is, they coddle these kids. And race mixing — that’s even worse. Someone needs to give them a little dose of how things are in the real world. [The family] only did this because my one granddaughter doesn’t come home anymore after she brought that you-know-what to Thanksgiving. Back in my day, we didn’t condone these things.”

Connolly then insisted, while being taken to her room, that “things would be fine if they just brought back prayer to schools.”

5 Things Only People Who Don’t Wear Masks Will Also Not Understand

Posted on by Bobby Korec

This pandemic has been hard on all of us, especially those of us who believe it’s all one big liberal conspiracy to get me to sign up for Obamacare when I’m perfectly happy with the insurance I get through the Affordable Care Act. I’m doing my part as a patriot by making no attempts to comprehend why some dorks stress the importance of covering their germ-hole during a pandemic. I just don’t get it! Speaking of which, here are five other things anti-mask people like me will never understand:

Emotional Intelligence
Every time I walk into a Walmart and an employee kindly asks me to wear a mask, my “fight or freedom” response kicks in and I immediately escalate the situation to a ten. You might’ve seen me in one of those clips throwing a violent tantrum as if I was a liberal snowflake wanting something selfish like avocado toast or equality for all. Honestly, we anti-maskers just don’t understand how to calmly and succinctly communicate the talking points we learned from Fox News. So we belligerently yell them, which we also learned from Fox news.

Science
Some big shot science nerd spends their entire life studying one incredibly specific topic like infectious diseases and I’m supposed to call them an expert? I don’t get it. I mean, I literally learned that masks don’t do a lick of good from a few YouTube videos, which were clearly peer-reviewed in the comment section. Who looks like a fool now?

Empathy
Evidently, you should wear a mask to protect other people??? That’s the same bleeding heart bullshit libs give me about wearing a condom so I don’t spread the raging hellfire that is my gonorrhea. Everyone knows condoms are only 98% effective and sexually transmitted diseases are spread through 5G networks. Plus, my dick can’t breathe while wearing a condom! How about you wear the condom if you’re so concerned with public health?

Data
Does the CDC even have data to support the claim that wearing a mask significantly reduces the rate of transmission? I haven’t checked. Regardless, should we even believe data? Facts are scary. And we all know who controls the facts: Big Science with their secret agenda to spread misinformation like how the Earth is round and that the Sun doesn’t revolve around America.

Teamwork
According to Fauci, if everyone wore masks and practiced social distancing this whole thing would blow over in a handful of weeks. Yeah, but that’s like saying if two students were assigned a group project they should both do their part. But if you read the Ayn Rand Wikipedia entry like my economics professor who told me about it did, you would know that selfishness is the real virtue. I’m just saying, if we were all a little more self-centered we could unite as a country and ignore this pandemic together.