I’m sending out this message because I made a mistake and now I’m in grave danger.
On my annual drive up to Holyoke to visit my parents, I ran out of episodes of “WTF” to listen to. I still had an hour to go, and free Spotify sucks, so I thought I’d pick up an old fashioned CD or two for the rest of the trip.
Pulling into the next main street, I found a second-hand shop. I knew the place was a little off from the second I walked in — There were monkeys in cages, shrunken heads, and weird figurines of people doing things like sixty-nineing. A skinny, bearded man sat silently at the counter, burning sage and smiling in my direction. When I say bearded, I mean BEARDED. The beard went all the way up to his eyes.
I uncomfortably rummaged through the CD bin when one title caught my attention: Tool’s “Lateralus.” I recalled liking it well enough when I was a high school stoner, and I wanted to get the hell out of there pronto, so I dropped the $3 on the counter and ran, ignoring beardo’s ominous warnings.
When I got back to my car, I opened the jewel case and popped the CD into the stereo. The familiar odd-time opening of “The Grudge” pulsated through the speakers.
Now here’s where shit gets crazy. The booklet included in “Lateralus” is this trippy diagram of a human body that loses parts with every page you flip through, until you’re left with nothing but a psychedelic space void thing at the end.
I made the mistake of flipping through the pages BACKWARDS, rebuilding the body as I went. As soon as I hit the front page the sky went black, and chains with hooks at the end came blasting out, piercing my skin and dragging me into the CD case.
Now I find myself chained to a wall in a dungeon. My phone got caught up in the chains, so I’m able to dictate this message. There are a bunch of weird creatures looming over me, and their leader is this leather daddy with nails stuck all over his head. Like half dominatrix, half knitting ball.
His voice is commanding, and kind of erotic. Like if Sir Patrick Stewart narrated snuff porn.
The intro to “The Grudge” is still playing in the background.
Oh god, he’s tightening the chains! Send help, please. The hooks are digging deeper into my skin.
Wait, is the CD skipping or what? Is the intro really this fucking long??
Oh fuck, he’s coming closer. The hooks are tearing at my flesh, but… It doesn’t hurt anymore?
Nail man is right up in my face now, staring into my soul. Take me daddy, I’m yours.
On second thought, I think I like it here. Disregard this message. But can somebody please find my car and stop this goddamned CD? Thanks.