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After Long Shut Down, Ruff Ryders Allowed to Open Up Shop

YONKERS, N.Y. — Popular hip hop collective the Ruff Ryders finally reopened last week after a months-long shut down brought on by safety concerns over the coronavirus.

“These people runnin’ things, they’re sayin’ things like, ‘Stop. Drop. Shut ‘em down. And once the number of confirmed cases per day gets below a certain threshold, you can open up shop.’ Finally, after months of questions, we can resume business as usual,” said manager Earl “DMX” Simmons. “Thankfully, we own the building, so we don’t have a landlord trying to fuck with our crew. Now it’s time to pull papers. It’s all about the papers, and maintaining six feet of distance, along with proper hand washing.”

While the Yonkers label and motorcycle repair shop would be considered essential under New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s ruling, it was the café portion of the shop, French of My Press, Blood of My Beans, that was forced to shut down. But customers are happy to be back.

“Nobody makes a matcha latte like these motherfuckers,” shouted shop regular DJ Clue. “I tried making some of this shit at home and it wasn’t the same — it tasted like someone poured hot water over the bottom of my boots. It’s good for the community to have this place back open so we don’t have to fuck with Starbucks and spend $5 on some ‘tall’ bullshit, whatever the fuck that means.”

However, some employees voiced concerns that the heightened sanitary measures put in place by the city are not being taken seriously by management.

“We keep telling DMX to wear a mask, fool — especially someone who spits as much as he does when he talks. Honestly, I’m not sure a cloth mask would even be enough. Dude needs a full-face motorcycle helmet to stay contained,” said morning lead roaster Swizz Beatz. “This motherfucker’s mouth is like a drunk driver smashed into a fire hydrant. Him and his sprinkler-ass mouth are gonna get us shut down again.”

For the immunocompromised, French of My Press, Blood of my Beans is also offering home deliveries under their new “X Gon’ Give it to Ya” program.