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We Tried A Raw Food Diet And Learned It Is Not Supposed to Include Chicken

As a health-conscious individual, taking care of my body is important to me. I am the head priest of the temple that is my body which means I only put the best stuff inside of it. So when I heard about this new raw food diet I thought I would give it a try. The only issue I read about was people not getting enough protein so I figured adding raw chicken was an easy solution that these veggie-heads must not have heard of. Well, apparently you’re not supposed to do that as I am currently in the middle of an all-night vomit party.

How was I supposed to know that failure to cook chicken would result in serious food poisoning?! Other animals eat raw meat all the time and they don’t get sick. Do you think lions are cooking zebras before devouring them? Hell, I even saw a mandrill at the zoo once eating a random bird it caught. Our DNA isn’t that far off from mandrills, so why can’t I also eat raw birds?

Part of my motivation to start this diet stemmed from a desire to lose weight. When you look at the nutritional profile of chicken it seems like the perfect food for this diet. Low fat, no carbs, and high in protein. How could it go so wrong? Technically, I did lose weight on this diet. However, it’s all because of how violently I have been vomiting and shitting. It’s like if bulimia and dysentery had a baby and created a super disease called, “bulysentery.” Now I’m no doctor, so I’d only recommend it if you have to lose weight really, really fast.

Now you might be saying to yourself, “dude, how have you never heard of salmonella?” In my defense, I was pretty sure that salmonella was just something my mother made up to keep me from eating raw cookie dough as a child.

As painful as this has been it’s still going better than the time I tried to go vegan.