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Local Casket Distributor Offering Huge Back to School Savings

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — Callahan’s Casket Emporium will offer a “Back to School Blowout Sale” this year, offering discounts of up to 50% on last year’s models, multiple cold-call recipients confirmed.

“I’ve been selling coffins my entire adult life. I could sell a double-decker coffin to a petite widow with no issue, so the fact the government is forcing children back to school will mean I can finally afford to get my wife the pool she’s always wanted,” said top salesman Donovan Muldoon. “Those little germ factories are going to help kill off everyone in their house so fast that I don’t know if we’ll be able to keep up. If I’m lucky, COVID-19 will evolve to be more deadly for kids, and I might be able to sell some of the child-sized coffins we’ve had in storage.”

Potential casket occupants in the greater Flagstaff area, initially outraged by the callous sale, were nevertheless intrigued by the low price points.

“Parents are in a very tough spot right now: I either don’t work and try to homeschool my kid, or I send them to school and wait for them to bring home a deadly disease. This is a lose-lose situation. With that being said, I’ve never seen a mahogany casket with velvet interior for $350,” said single parent Elsye Ommari. “I’d be stupid not to at least stop by their store and see what sort of deals they have. My parents babysit my third-grader a lot, so maybe I can buy coffins for them as well and get a two-for-one discount or something.”

Consumer trends expert Alicia O’Brien noted that lots of end-of-life businesses are trying to cash in on America’s complete botching of the COVID-19 outbreak.

“The economy is struggling right now, and the service and live event industries are basically non-existent, but if you look closely you see heightened activity in less desirable sectors,” said O’Brien. “One county in California banned people from spreading loved ones’ ashes outdoors because there was so much dead body dust floating around, it was covering cars and killing the fish in local waterways. If you sell burial plots or run a funeral home, you’re stacking cash right now.”

“Billionaires are also doing great,” added O’Brien. “It’s amazing how they were able to bilk the working class out of even more money.”

In related news, the Mead and Lisa Frank corporations are both exploring the logistics of offering middle school-friendly casket options.