HACKENSACK, N.J. — A new report from the Brookings Institute has found that nationwide gym closures due to the coronavirus have left the nation’s weird, old naked guys with nowhere to slowly, unashamedly shower, hitting New Jersey particularly hard.
“This is no way to live,” declared Randy Callezzo of Cherry Hill, N.J., one of many old, naked dudes across the country who just seems to hover around clothed people. “I suffer from a rare medical condition known as sanitorial claustrophobia — the only showers I feel comfortable using are those in public spaces. Gyms, community pools, high end offices, an alarming number of gun shops… they’re all closed, and I got more oil on me than an Italian salad. Look, I know my lifestyle might make people uncomfortable, but that ain’t my vibe.”
“The human form is a thing of beauty, and we should embrace every nude body we see. From a responsible distance, of course,” he added. “I don’t want people getting sick. I’m anti-pants, not anti-mask.”
As COVID-19 continues to ravage the nation, community organizers and activists are growing concerned about the strain the pandemic will place on community resources — be it hospitals, or hand dryers for old guys to dry their balls with.
“The old naked guy clientele are some of the most dedicated customers we have,” explained Michelle DeLoche, owner of Vaffanculo Sports Clubs in Ramsey, N.J. “Whether it’s your average wiseguy, your blue-blooded grease monkey, or one of the 10,000 Bruce Spingsteen impersonators in Asbury Park alone. People are gonna resort to extreme measures: old guys from the tri-state area will be cleansing their gabagool in the public fountains of this great state if we don’t figure something out soon. Governor Phil Murphy, the thick, tangy, garlicky blood of our citizens is on your hands.”
As both the national and local situation escalates, many wonder about the government’s role in protecting the rights of old guys to shower without shame.
“Christie fuckin’ scorched this place on the way out,” lamented Gov. Murphy. “Most of his drawers were filled with half-eaten hoagies, and I found a turd in the airtight case we keep the state charter in. Despite that, we’ve developed some walk-up showering sites for the old guys: a hazmat team sprays them with a hose, then they proceed to the soaping station, and then a second hosing. They can dry themselves on their own terms. We don’t want people abusing this system, however, and we’re considering measuring the scrotal length of its users to ensure that only the droopiest old guys are utilizing it.”
In related news, Gov. Murphy is considering reopening the state’s theme parks to allow parents a safe environment in which to scream at their children.