Am I the future of Gonzo journalism? I sure hope so, because my behavior today endangered my marriage, traumatized my son, and may result in legal action from a Minion impersonator.
In retrospect, my son Mason’s 5th birthday probably wasn’t the best time for me to channel my inner Hunter S. Thompson and go on a degenerate, drug-fueled odyssey. I guess I should’ve known not to mix booze with the hard stuff. Yet that’s exactly what I did when I took a Benadryl for my seasonal allergies and chased it with two Michelob Ultras.
I was standing near the inflatable bouncy castle when the unholy combination took hold. My palms began to sweat, my knees went weak, and my tongue flopped around in my mouth. I was extremely drowsy, yet somehow dangerously manic and unhinged. Also, a little bit of pee was coming out, but I was no longer congested.
It was right as Mason’s friend Harper came over and asked if there would be cupcakes when, seized by an unknowable force, I ripped off my shirt and screamed, “Stand back! I AM BECOME DEATH: THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!”
Instantly, the eyes of 15 alarmed children were upon me. Thinking fast, I asked myself, “How would counterculture legend and trailblazing journalist Hunter S. Thompson handle a bad trip like this?” Attempting to salvage the situation, I immediately vomited on myself and fell face-first into the PAW Patrol birthday cake.
After I was rescued from frosting-induced suffocation by Jayden’s au pair, my wife toweled me off and gave me a black coffee and a stern talking to. I attempted to right the ship, but my very senses rebelled against me. “Why does this Kool-Aid taste like the blood of Christ?” I wondered aloud. “When did Raffi record a cover of ‘War Ensemble’? And who invited the Zodiac Killer?”
After a few rounds of Pin the Tail on the Invisible Demon, everyone asked if they could call their parents and go home. Honestly, I feel pretty lousy about the whole thing. How can I ever make this up to Mason? Well, there’s nothing a good bedtime story can’t fix. You’re going to love “Fear and Loathing,” lil’ buddy! First, let me just settle my nerves by washing down this Ambien with a few glasses of wine.
