RACINE, Wis. — Local accountant and not-much-else Gary Wilkerson is alive despite astronomical odds to the contrary, according to sources who’ve already forgotten his name.
“Some models estimate a one in 400 trillion chance of being born,” said Jeanette Gregory, a genetic scientist at the University of Wisconsin. “And despite beating those odds and being here on planet Earth for a fleeting moment of light between two infinities, this unremarkable human ended up named Gary, and became an accountant at a car dealership in fucking Racine, Wisconsin. Great job, Gary. It’s literally more probable that you wouldn’t be that, but here you are.”
Wilkerson, who lives with his family in a reasonably sized house that’s a reasonable distance from work, had no complaints about his life for some reason.
“What could I possibly complain about?” said Wilkerson, “I’ve got a wife and two beautiful daughters. I even paid off the house last year. I own my car, I get a holiday bonus, my student debt is clear… there’s a lot of people who can’t say the same, and I’d bet that all of those people were born, too. It’s totally fine to fly way under the radar, folks. You only live once.”
Wilkerson’s mother Norma, who birthed a child who could’ve grown up to become anything, literally anything at all, is reportedly proud of her son’s decisions, which is just fucking mind blowing, really.
“I love my Gar-Bear,” said Norma. “He was always shy as a kid, so it’s nice to see him as the shining star that he is today… even if he is just barely taking advantage of the sentience bestowed upon him amid the random chaos that is our universe. I’ll admit that sometimes it’s fun to think about him having a fast-paced, exciting career like a sales rep, but I’m ultimately glad he went for something sensible. I’d worry about him getting hurt on the job!”
At press time, Wilkerson was attempting to keep things in perspective. “I suppose it could be worse,” he remarked. “I could’ve been some no-good punk, or a struggling comedian… or worst of all, a combination of the two.”