Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.
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On this premium episode of Coward Hour, we, unfortunately, discuss Nik’s new favorite Netflix Original series.
THE GHOST NEBULA — While battling the warrior race, The Zardecks, experts on the Spaceship Baychimo, warn that the ship’s shields have dropped to 30% and that one more direct hit like that one will cause them to drop even further.
“I was just reporting what the computer told me,” Ensign G’Aor, a member of the Pvvsi alien species, said via universal translator. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, it seems like everytime we are hit by the smallest phaser the entire com panel explodes into sparks and I’m thrown across the room.”
Captain Johnnie Jones refused to believe this to be possible and called the report “fake news.”
“We have the most powerful ship in the galaxy and two Zardeckian death cruisers are no match for us,” Captain Jones told his crew. “I called down to engineering and demanded that they give us everything they have into the shields. They claim they were giving it all they got, but I knew they were holding back. This is like when I demand they go faster, they say they can’t but I demand it and they do. This is why I’m in the big chair.”
Ship architect Elizabeth Ortega isn’t surprised in the slightest.
“Honestly, I don’t know what is holding that ship together,” Ortega said. “It was designed for exploration, not battle. But it seems like every other day that meathead offends some alien or gets pulled into a conflict between two warring factions. You’d think with 93 billion light years of universe to explore he could avoid being fired on. Maybe we should spend less money on plasma torpedoes and buy some diplomacy lessons.”
As of press time, Jones demanded all power be put to forward shields which actually can’t be done but the crew pretended to anyway.
Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:
Most people think Christians and Atheists get along like cats and dogs! But these two YouTubers are smashing stereotypes by showing you can get along with someone who has different views on religion, so long as you both think America is for Europeans only.
Ten years ago, YouTubers CruisinForChrist and LogicMan5000 were constantly fighting on the budding online video platform. “I originally joined YouTube in 2006 to support teaching evolution in schools and to promote our evangelical president,” explained CruisinForChrist. “But boy things have changed!”
“They sure have,” agreed LogicMan5000. “I got into YouTube back in 2007 to let the world know God isn’t real, and also that we need to fix our age of consent laws. Me and Cruisin’ butted heads almost immediately. We used to have screaming Skype debates where he’d try and debunk evolution, but now we’re friends!”
And what brought these two together? A shared belief that Muslims and other immigrants are deliberately trying to displace white populations around the world.
“A few years ago we saw that, even though we had different beliefs, our videos were being recommended to the same people,” said CruisinForChrist. “It’s inspiring that the YouTube algorithm can take someone interested in a science-based approach to racism and show them religious, authoritarian racism and vice-versa. And people who watch a single video game review will see both types of racism on their homepage for at least two weeks for some reason.”
“I called up Cruisin’ and said we need to stop focusing on our differences and start focusing on the differences of others,” said LogicMan. In just a few short years, these two inspiring vloggers went from bitter enemies to best of friends. They even meet up in real life to eat pizza and watch SJWs Getting Owned compilations.
In an increasingly divided America, it’s heartening to see two opposing groups like Atheists and Christians getting along. Could the friendship of these YouTubers pave the way for a healing America? Said CruisinForChrist, “It turns out that no matter if you agree that evolution was God or Darwin or Buddha whatever, what’s important is that some people are just genetically superior to others.”
Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:
HAGERSTOWN, Md. — After months of working from home, local parents Ron and Melinda Zimmerman came to the stunning realization yesterday that their teenage son Josh masturbates far more than they thought physically possible.
“My wife and I suspected he was at the age where boys start discovering their bodies,” said Ron. “But now that we’re stuck in the same house all day, it’s painfully clear that he’s always in his room, in the shower, or ‘cleaning the garage’ and pleasuring himself to the point that severe chafing, or at least dehydration, has to be occurring. He’s doing it at least 15 times a day, and those are just the ones we notice. It’s getting really hard to ignore, especially for Melinda — she’s working from the upstairs office and she can’t focus on anything with Josh constantly cranking in the next room.”
14-year-old Josh Zimmerman reported that the close confines of quarantine have had a negative impact on him as well.
“With Mom and Dad home all the time, I haven’t been able to jack off in peace since March. It’s driving me crazy: last week I told Dad there was a raccoon in the shed, just so I could get him out of the house for a while,” said the teenager. “They have no idea. I’m pretty stealthy — I play music to cover the sound, and when I borrow their lotion, I always say it’s ‘definitely just for my hands.’ I once accidentally connected to the smart TV in the living room while I was watching porn, but I told Mom it was Russian hackers. I think she believed me because she canceled all her credit cards after that.”
Julia Gutierrez, a professor at the University of Maryland specializing in human sexuality, claimed that many American parents have experienced similar epiphanies during the lockdown.
“Before quarantine, parents could assume that their daughter was innocently watching TV while they were out, or that their son was just getting very, very clean during his 30-minute showers. But with everyone stuck at home, parents are forced to confront the fact that their teenage children are indeed masturbating all the time. It’s an uncomfortable truth, and they can try to address it with a mature family dialogue, but it’s really better for everyone if they just put locks on all the doors and pretend to be ignorant.”
At press time, the Zimmerman children were complaining to one another about heavy breathing and pounding sounds once again emanating from their parents’ bedroom.
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Metal band Beneath the Bottomless Pit added blond-haired guitarist Kevin Slater to their line-up yesterday, fulfilling a diversity initiative mandated by their record label and drawing widespread praise from the band’s PR team.
“This is one small step for guys with blond hair, and one giant leap for metal,” proclaimed frontman Garrett Powers. “For years, metal has lacked representation, but adding Kevin was just the first step in our bold, new diversity initiative. We are going to lead by example with our radically progressive inclusivity — which is why I’m excited to announce that by 2040, we will have a drummer without tribal tattoos!”
Slater claimed he faced his share of adversity as a fair-haired guitarist in the metal community.
“So many metalheads only see hair color,” Slater told reporters. “I’d show up to band try-outs and fucking shred, but they’d say I needed to dye my hair brown or black if I wanted in. There’s one other band that actually gave me a shot, but it didn’t work out — they kicked me out after I played one show with them because everyone started calling us Hanson. They said if I had a Swedish accent, I might work, but I don’t. I can’t even fake it.”
The move, however, does have its detractors.
“Guys like myself with long, stringy, unwashed dark hair have built our livelihoods on metal,” explained out-of-work guitarist Ed Laremy. “And now, just because of some government program bullshit, all these blond jerks are taking our jobs. How would you guys like it if I stole your jobs, huh? Hell, that’s exactly what I’m going to do: I’m going to learn how to swim and get one of them cushy lifeguarding jobs.”
At press time, some members of Beneath the Bottomless Pit were having second thoughts after Slater showed up for his first band practice with a tan.
Sacramento, Calif. — Northpoint Middle School seventh grader and tattoo wunderkind Connor Butler is quickly expanding his portfolio from a transparent cube to the decidedly more badass “S” thing, stoked sources reported.
“I don’t think I’m special or anything. I had to work my way up drawing on stolen oranges. I mean, I got them from home, but like, I didn’t tell my mom I was taking them,” Butler confessed. “Then I got an apprenticeship under this ninth grader — he’s pretty well known; he can do the Linkin Park logo, and he vapes. He had me start with the basics: anarchy symbol, the ‘Flash’ logo, your classic dick with and without pubes… but my transparent cube is really what put me on the map. After doing that for a bit, I knew it was time to test the limits of my talent with the pointy ‘S.’”
Northpoint faculty member and resident cool teacher Aaron Price believes that part of his role is to nurture budding talent like Butler’s.
“First of all, Mr. Price was my stepdad. You can call me Aaron,” Price said while sitting performatively on the edge of his desk. “I have to say, I’m not surprised. I know everyone’s way into Connor’s cubes, but I was following his work back in the infinity symbol period — man, his sideways eights were transcendent. I knew I had to sit for a piece while I still could, so I had him do the Dalai Lama’s birthday in bubble letters right next to this super meaningful tribal tat I got in Santa Monica.”
Unfortunately, Northpoint students aren’t all excited by Butler’s rising popularity.
“You’re kidding, right? That dude sucks,” admitted classmate Sammy Lopez. “Look, I’m not saying his cube isn’t sick — it totally is, some of the straightest lines I’ve ever seen. But all his shit is so basic and mainstream. He came in last week bragging that he learned to do the Green Day logo on a pig ear, which is stupid, because it’s literally just ‘Green’ and ‘Day’ badly drawn.”
Butler is reportedly purchasing a Japanese Tabori tool to attempt authentic “Dragon Ball Z” tattoos.
“Love in an Elevator” is a song by Aerosmith that appeared on their 1989 album “Pump.” If you are asking why in God’s name we’re talking about one of the worst songs by one of the worst mainstream rock bands to ever exist, well then we wish you were at Shawn’s apartment last night to echo our sentiments.
We didn’t pick the playlist, but now that Goddamn song is stuck in our head. The worst part is, it’s not even that memorable! Sure, we can remember the chorus, but when we open our mouth to sing, black goo starts running out of our nose and our thoughts turn to flashing images of our family member’s heads on spikes. This song is bad.
So why the fuck are we listening to Aerosmith right now? Is it because Shawn secretly likes Aerosmith? Is it because Shawn knows we stole $20 off his desk when we got here? No clue. All we know for sure is that Shawn’s a bad friend.
We could understand listening to “Dream On” or even that Eminem song that sampled it. To be frank, it’d be a better look blasting “Dude Looks Like a Lady” in 2020 than to be caught listening to “Love in an Elevator” at any point in history. Even if it’s by accident, the second you hear that unremarkable intro riff of guitars or drums or whatever, you should probably just start running. No one will judge you. At least not as hard as they would judge you for listening to “Love in an Elevator.”
That said, the lyrics are pretty good.
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local hooligan and member of the San Jose punk scene Todd Bettina was severely electrocuted yesterday after mistakenly trying to siphon gas from a Tesla.
“With the economy going to hell in a handbasket, my side hustle of dancing jigs for spare change outside the 7-Eleven has really started to dry up — and with my band about to hit the road, I needed to siphon some gas. So, I found this yuppie schmuck doctor parked outside the hospital driving something called a ‘Tesla,’ and went to work,” said Bettina. “Everything was going great until my arm went numb and the metal fillings in my mouth melted. I didn’t even know they made electric cars.”
Parking lot attendant Tamas Hovik was the only witness to the incredibly violent incident.
“I saw him tiptoeing over to the Tesla with a pack of Altoids and a small length of garden hose. I thought, ‘He’s not that dumb, is he?’ And yeah, I could’ve stopped him, but I really wanted to see how it’d play out,” said Hovik. “I know it’s stupid, but I assumed getting electrocuted would be comical — like the time Al Bundy touched the broken Christmas lights, or some Looney Tunes type of shit. Maybe his hair would stand up and we’d see his skeleton, you know? But TV and movies really didn’t prepare me for all the extreme defecation and bleeding from the eyes and ears.”
Bettina’s friend Simone Potenza visited him in the hospital, and was surprised by Bettina’s seeming lack of remorse or understanding of the seriousness of the situation.
“I was telling him how lucky he was to be alive. But he just kept asking me to place my keys on his face to see if he had ‘magnet super powers,’” Potenza stated. “When I refused, he started pointing at me menacingly like he was trying to shoot lightning from his fingertips and kept insisting that I call him ‘Powder’ from now on.”
Immediately after being released from the hospital, Bettina accidentally trapped himself inside an automated, driverless car for nearly 22 hours following a failed carjacking attempt.
Released to much acclaim and commercial success back in 1996, the Nintendo 64 is a system that continues to captivate the attention and imagination of gamers, even today. In the decades since its release, many details have come to light about the system, yet it can still be incredibly frustrating to find all of them in one streamlined place. So with that in mind, here is everything we know so far about the Nintendo 64, released 24 years ago this month.
Well there you have it, an exhaustive list of everything we know (so far) about the Nintendo 64 system. Stay tuned to this space, as we will be updating it as more details become known! We are always learning new things about the world of video games.
Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:
METROPOLIS — After a brutal and bloody battle through the downtown section of the city, Superman defeated the ruthless General Zod and vanquished him to an eternity as the perpetual guest on Fox News host Tucker Carlson’s evening show.
“At first, I was like, woah, who is this liberal in the plunging v-neck?” Carlson said, following a commercial for camouflage-colored colostomy bags. “But then he started making some very good points about leadership and I was one hundred percent on the Zod train. I am not sure if he is Pro-Life but, I tell you, he will restore Law and Order to America when he runs is 2022.”
Zod, however, does not seem to share the same respect for his new compatriot.
“They claim that Kal-EL is this hero of the world but he has banished me to a fate worse than death. He is the villain, I tell you,” Zod said while getting make-up applied before going live. “I have to listen to this H’Raka of a man prattle on and on for hours talking about Rao knows what. And then he contradicts himself ten minutes later. I wish Kal-El just snapped my neck.”
Metropolis beat reporter Clark Kent defended Superman’s decision to send the general to the 24-hour news cycle.
“What I think Superman was trying to do, and this is just one man’s opinion mind you, I don’t know what he may have been actually thinking,” Kent said, adjusting his glasses, “is show Zod where a lifetime devoted to xenophobia and vitriol will get you. I hope he takes the time to reflect on his behavior while he spends the rest of eternity defending white supremacists and billionaires.”
At press time, Zod denounced Carlson live on-air and now claims to be a libertarian.
Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:
