AMC Introduces New Refillable Jumbo Popcorn Face Masks

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

LOS ANGELES — AMC Theatres introduced a new COVID-safe, jumbo refillable popcorn face mask last week, doubling down on their effort to welcome back weary, timid moviegoers.

“We’re combining the two most important things in this post-COVID theater experience: the safety of our patrons, and overcharging for concessions,” said Brian Villafana, director of return-to-screen operations for AMC. “Our research shows that audiences stuck watching mediocre films on their too-small home screens desperately miss shoveling buttery, salty movie theater popcorn into their mouth holes. And since we’re still in the midst of a generational pandemic, we found a way to work in the state-ordered mask mandates as well.”

The basic masks cost $7.99 for a small paper version, $10.99 for a large with free refills, and $29.99 for an N95-grade collectible “Unhinged” mask featuring Russell Crowe’s face.

Ahead of a discounted showing of early 2020 box office hit “Sonic the Hedgehog,” Isaac Loredo was spotted already grabbing a refill.

“It’s the best of both worlds,” Loredo said, his voice muffled by 64 ounces of popcorn. “Yeah, the butter flavoring gets messy in my beard, I’ve inhaled a lot of half-popped kernels, and being required to wear it in the restroom is a little off-putting… but it’s worth it to finally have a night at the movies again. A few people have needed the heimlich maneuver after choking on popcorn, but AMC Stubbs members get double points with each mask purchase, so I think it evens out.”

Hollywood is enthusiastically backing AMC’s popcorn masks, with blockbuster director Christopher Nolan endorsing the product.

“I’m delighted to be single-handedly rescuing the theatrical experience with my new film ‘Tenet,’” Nolan said in a statement released by Warner Bros. “In fact, as I’ve been saying all along, the ideal way to see ‘Tenet’ is on the biggest screen possible with a bag of food strapped to your face like a prized racehorse.”

In related news, competing theater chain Regal Cinemas will offer a line of “COVID-safe” individually-wrapped Skittles and Peanut M&Ms.

Record Collector Flips Pancake to Side B

Posted on by Rachel Steele

ATLANTA — Local record collector and vinyl enthusiast Annie Gordon flipped her pancake to “side B” yesterday, taking extra time to carefully and dutifully prepare her breakfast.

“As a connoisseur of all things analog, I flip all of my belongings with the utmost care and precision,” said Gordon, ignoring the blaring smoke alarm. “I like to let the pancake sit for another minute or two, just to make sure I didn’t miss any hidden bubbles, but you have to be careful with that — one time I ran to the bathroom and left it cooking on side A, and it got burned to shit and somehow permanently ruined my pan.”

“And don’t even get me started on those silver dollar pancakes,” Gordon added. “You get like, 30 seconds before you have to run back over and flip to the other side.”

While Gordon’s roommates appreciate her attention to detail, they’re still confused by her cooking style and terminology.

“It takes hours for her to cook a meal by what she calls ‘analog cooking.’ She told me she only serves the ‘highest-quality culinary masterpieces,’ none of that ‘weak sauce digitized microwave dinner bullshit,’” said roommate Ella Chang. “She once made mac and cheese and complained about how all the nuance and flavors were super compressed and unrecognizable… but she seemed to know what she was talking about, so we went with it. Whatever. It’s free food, and she does the dishes as she goes, so I can’t really complain too much.”

Reportedly, Gordon’s love of all things analog extends beyond the kitchen.

“She’s really old school, but sometimes it goes too far. To her, the other side of anything is ‘side B,’ whether it’s a pancake, a book, her pillow… everything,” said friend and ex-girlfriend Sam McClanahan. “It was kinda cute, but she ruined one of my Limp Bizkit CDs trying to flip it, and I had to call it quits. It sounds silly now, but this was back in 2003. It was just a different time.”

Further questions revealed Gordon was stoned out of her mind.

Opinion: Men Can Be #Girlbosses Too

Posted on by John Danek

2020 is a year of cultural transformation. It’s been personally difficult for me, as I didn’t know racism still existed. And upon further internet searching, it appears that there are still traces of misogyny out in the world. That downright stinks. I hate it. So I decided to become a feminist. It’s tough work, but I spend my days replying to women on Twitter on how they could have improved their jokes for even better effect. You’re welcome.

But here’s the one thing I just don’t understand: if a woman does something special like get promoted or smash their cheating ex’s windshield or assume leadership of North Korea while her brother is sick, they get called a “#Girlboss” all over social media. And they totally should! But if I (a feminist) were to do the same exact thing, no one calls me a #Girlboss. Hell, they don’t even call me a “hero.” My follower count is pathetic. What gives?

Is it possible that this is reverse misogyny? It feels like I’m now a target of hate solely because I am a woman-supporting feminist. But Susan B. Anthony didn’t die for me to take this abuse quietly. She died for women and men and boys and dudes to be the #Girlbosses they want to see in the world. I refuse to let her down, and I will stand up and start demanding recognition for my feminist efforts.

It’s the same bullshit that got me kicked out of the r/WitchesVsPatriarchy subreddit. I like Stevie Nicks and weird types of tea too! And there was that one time I accidentally saged my apartment because those asshole neighborhood kids sold me sage instead of weed.

If women want to be treated as equals, they are going to need to quit this bullshit gatekeeping.

I go to extreme lengths to applaud and reward women for posting thirst traps on Instagram. A picture with your forearms covering your nipples? I want you to know that you are SEEN and you are LOVED. Take my like. Just don’t forget that Instagram likes, like American freedom, aren’t free. So explain to me again how I am not a #Girlboss?

Racoons Near Group of Camping Punks Make Sure to Cover Food

Posted on by Malcolm Whitfield

TUPPER LAKE, N.Y.— A family of raccoons near a campsite in the Adirondack Mountains were forced last night to protect their hard-earned food from a group of ill-prepared and hungry punks, neighboring campers confirmed.

“I’ve been a ‘near-the-lake’ raccoon my entire life, and I’ve raised dozens of litters from the food I find in dumpsters and garbage cans. I’m not willing to let some tool in a leather jacket named ‘Skeezo’ just take food out of the mouths of my babies,” explained Cynthia, a 10-pound female Eastern raccoon and mother of four. “Every year, some drunk burnouts come scrounging around for whatever old pizza crusts and apple cores we gathered, but as long as we make sure to seal our food up nice and tight, those punks don’t bother us too much.”

The closure of music venues in cities nationwide has led to a boom in punks invading local forests and parks in what they describe as “camping” and “hiking.”

“Those fucking raccoons think they’re so smart, they act like they own the world,” whined Paul “Cheese Dick” Griswald, struggling to pry the lid off of a secured canister of fisheads and cold french fries. “We’re not asking for a lot — we even offered to trade some of our beer for some of their scraps, but no dice. It’s kind of fucked up that they can be so selfish. In fact, most of the animals out here are fucking assholes. A bird swooped down on our campsite and stole a half-smoked cigarette I was planning on finishing off later.”

Park rangers assigned to keep the campsites clean say they have noticed some raccoons are turning to new tactics to scare off intruders.

“Normally, we try and make sure the campers aren’t disturbed by the animals around here, but honestly, a lot of us are rooting for the raccoons right now,” admitted Janelle Pfieffer, an Adirondack park supervisor. “I’m telling you, these critters are really creative in keeping those scumbags away: one raccoon was eating this old burger, and when some strung out losers with gauged ears and chain wallets got too close, the raccoon started shaking a jar of coins real loud til they scattered off.”

“Eventually, the punks came back asking for some of the spare change,” she added, “and the raccoon, I swear to god, picked up a cell phone and called the cops on the punks for loitering.”

Park administration has begun informing all wildlife to keep their distance when confronting punks, and to use the phrase “My uncle’s a lawyer” when threatened.

Nintendo Reveals Mario’s Full Canonical Name to be Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario-Mario

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

KYOTO, Japan —  Nintendo sent shockwaves through the gaming industry today as they announced that their iconic mascot Mario’s canonical name is actually Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario-Mario. 

“Everyone loved finding out that Mario’s name was really Mario Mario,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, who created the character along with many others. “But that was merely the tip of the iceberg. I always pictured Mario as this descendant from a long line of similar heroes, maybe like Link a little bit, only in the Mario world, every generation adds a ‘Mario.’ So he symbolically carries around eight generations of Marios with him while he’s saving the princess and everything else.”

Shigeru went on to reveal that Mario’s longtime sidekick and brother’s full name is Luigi Luigi Mario Luigi Luigi Mario-Luigi. The news has brought upon very mixed reactions online thus far.

“Wait, so you’re telling me Mario has five middle names and they are all Mario as well?” asked Logan Cooper a lifetime Nintendo fan. “Awesome! Mario has been my favorite character all my life and I know exactly three things about him, so it’s such a thrill to get a little bit more of a backstory on him. Really makes you appreciate the work they put into building the lore, although it’s weird that we’re just hearing about this now.” 

As of press time, Nintendo has announced that 2021 will be The Year of Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario-Mario and that all future games and rereleases will reflect the character’s full name in their titles from now on.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Gamer Disgusted to Discover They Just Watched Nick Robinson Video

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local gamer Jesse Cooper was reportedly horrified to discover the 15-minute YouTube video they just finished was made by disgraced former Polygon employee Nick Robinson, according to those familiar with the situation.

“The algorithm recommended some fucking video about, I don’t know, the guy who worked on TimeSplitters 2 doing jumping jacks or whatever, and when I got to the end it said ‘made by Nick Robinson.’ I don’t want to watch a video made by some sex creep! Literally no video game YouTube essay is worth that!” Cooper said. “It’s like he knows, too, because he wasn’t in the video at all. It was all voice over. And sure, his voice sounded dumb and recognizable, but I figured that’s because it was a YouTube video about video games and they all sound like that. Fuck!”

Despite the disturbing sexual harassment allegations against Robinson, many fans say that he deserves a second chance.

“Hasn’t Nick suffered enough?” said one of many comments on the YouTube video. “Are you saying that he should never have a job again? Not even the exact same job he had when he was a creep? Specifically the kind of job that allowed him to be a creep in the first place? Leave him alone!”

“I just think it’s ridiculous that cancel culture has ruined this man’s life,” said one of 1,400 identical other comments on the video, as well.

At press time, Nick Robinson was not asked to comment, but he slid into our DMs to do so anyway.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Help! I Opened This Tool CD Wrong and Now I’m in Pinhead’s Lair

Posted on by Anthony Vito

I’m sending out this message because I made a mistake and now I’m in grave danger.

On my annual drive up to Holyoke to visit my parents, I ran out of episodes of “WTF” to listen to. I still had an hour to go, and free Spotify sucks, so I thought I’d pick up an old fashioned CD or two for the rest of the trip.

Pulling into the next main street, I found a second-hand shop. I knew the place was a little off from the second I walked in — There were monkeys in cages, shrunken heads, and weird figurines of people doing things like sixty-nineing. A skinny, bearded man sat silently at the counter, burning sage and smiling in my direction. When I say bearded, I mean BEARDED. The beard went all the way up to his eyes.

I uncomfortably rummaged through the CD bin when one title caught my attention: Tool’s “Lateralus.” I recalled liking it well enough when I was a high school stoner, and I wanted to get the hell out of there pronto, so I dropped the $3 on the counter and ran, ignoring beardo’s ominous warnings.

When I got back to my car, I opened the jewel case and popped the CD into the stereo. The familiar odd-time opening of “The Grudge” pulsated through the speakers.

Now here’s where shit gets crazy. The booklet included in “Lateralus” is this trippy diagram of a human body that loses parts with every page you flip through, until you’re left with nothing but a psychedelic space void thing at the end.

I made the mistake of flipping through the pages BACKWARDS, rebuilding the body as I went. As soon as I hit the front page the sky went black, and chains with hooks at the end came blasting out, piercing my skin and dragging me into the CD case.

Now I find myself chained to a wall in a dungeon. My phone got caught up in the chains, so I’m able to dictate this message. There are a bunch of weird creatures looming over me, and their leader is this leather daddy with nails stuck all over his head. Like half dominatrix, half knitting ball.

His voice is commanding, and kind of erotic. Like if Sir Patrick Stewart narrated snuff porn.

The intro to “The Grudge” is still playing in the background.

Oh god, he’s tightening the chains! Send help, please. The hooks are digging deeper into my skin.

Wait, is the CD skipping or what? Is the intro really this fucking long??

Oh fuck, he’s coming closer. The hooks are tearing at my flesh, but… It doesn’t hurt anymore?

Nail man is right up in my face now, staring into my soul. Take me daddy, I’m yours.

On second thought, I think I like it here. Disregard this message. But can somebody please find my car and stop this goddamned CD? Thanks.

Are you a punk horror nerd? Check out our horror movie podcast The Horror Times! Each week our writers and editors watch and discuss a classic horror movie with original sketches and songs inspired by the films:

Expanding QAnon Universe Finally Casts Its Black, Female Villain

Posted on by Kory Lanphear

WASHINGTON — QAnon finally added a Black, female villain to its substantial cast, now that Kamala Harris has accepted the nomination for Vice President, conspiracy nerds and pedophilia fanboys alike confirmed.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said a Riverside, Calif. woman who goes only by the name “Twilit.” “There is so much material to work with. A relentless former prosecutor who is also a child molester? There are a lot of directions they can take this character. Whenever a new female antagonist is introduced into the QAnon world, I always get excited about their backstory — like when it was revealed that Angela Merkel was Hitler’s granddaughter. That’s just a masterclass in writing.”

The QAnon canon can be hard to penetrate for the casual fan. But with Harris’s involvement, the series will seek to extend its reach beyond the core demographic of Facebook employees and Georgia politicians.

“I usually prefer inter-dimensional, shape-shifting, lizard-based content,” said QAnon super fan Pamela Turner. “But I’ve really been enjoying the direction Q is taking with their writing lately. Some people say accusing public figures of easily debunked, far-fetched crimes is lazy, but I say those people are just brainwashed lemmings suckling off the cursed teat of George Soros. And I love the fact that she’s Black — I found it troubling that only white people seemed to be ruining the world for hard-working Americans.”

Longtime QAnon cast veterans are also thrilled to have Harris aboard, if only to share the significant burden of spreading left wing malevolence while juggling their workaday lives.

“Kamala is really going to bring fresh energy, especially to devil-worshipping. A lot of people thought I was brought on to be the first woman of color to scare the masses, but they all think I’m a man, so it didn’t work,” said celebrated QAnon supervillain and former First Lady Michelle Obama. “Orchestrating a sinister cabal of Covid-manufacturing, Hollywood liberals can be exhausting. Black Lives Matter protesters need to be paid, humans need to be trafficked… it’s a grind. American’s children aren’t going to eat themselves, you know.”

QAnon is reportedly reserving massive floorspace for next year’s Conspiracy Convention in Shreveport, La., with tickets available for purchase via dockyard payphone or any local fentanyl dealer.

5 Tips for Avoiding Your Coked Out Mom at the Buckcherry Concert

Posted on by Rose Vineshank

The night is young. You have a Monster Energy Drink in one hand, and a Mad Dog 2020 in the other. Your knuckles are already healing from your pre-show celebratory wall-punch, and you’re ready to jump around like you’re dodging alimony payments.

Unfortunately, Mom was the 69th caller on Mad Dog F.M, so she will also be at the Buckcherry concert coked out of her god damned skull.

One false move and you will be trapped listening to Mom talk at you about how “Crazy Bitch” was written about her, again. The Hard Times is here to help.

1. Know The Look
Though you walk through the valley of the shadow of your mom, you fear not running into her. Her “iconic” look is recognizable from a distance. As soon as you see that Minions neck tattoo, run the other way. If you see Kelly Clarkson highlights so chunky and uneven her head looks like a Rorschach test, best be getting out of there.

If you see a “Live Laugh Love” tramp stamp, it’s time to live laugh leave.

2. Do Drugs
A wise man knows you cannot fight fire with fire. Instead, you must fight fire with wet drippy fire, also known as water. In order to avoid your mom’s chaotic energy at this time, you need to emit the opposite vibes. What is the opposite of cocaine? Acid. If you can feel an extreme sense of oneness with everyone at this concert, then it’s not YOUR mom sitting on some 20-year old’s shoulders throwing her bra on stage, it’s EVERYONE’S momm throwing everyones bra at everybody. Isn’t that fucking wild?

3. Stop Selling Your Mom Coke
This might seem counterintuitive, considering selling your mom coke is how you were able to afford your ticket in the first place. That being said, it’s time to work on some healthy boundaries. Try selling her Ketamine instead.

4. Use A Decoy
Find some guy with tattoos and a guitar to yell about how emotionally unstable, yet adept at intercourse his ex is. It should not be hard, considering most guys who feel this way about the women in their life also have guitars. Knock on your mom’s door, shove this guy into her apartment and tell her it’s Buckcherry. In reality, his name is probably Matt or Uncle Kracker or something, but we guarantee you she will not know the difference.

5. Join Buckcherry
Buckcherry has been known to take in wayward stragglers, so this is actually the easiest tip on the list. As soon as your mom sees you on stage, she’s gonna think it’s the biggest buzzkill ever. Now the Buckcherry concert is basically an Ed Hardy version of your lame middle school clarinet recital, and no amount of cocaine could make that tolerable for her.

Anti-Masker Rips Off Pop Filter to Record Vocals

Posted on by Tom Peters

DALLAS — Amateur musician and anti-mask advocate Charlie McGill forcibly removed the pop filter from a mic stand yesterday while recording vocals for a new solo EP, confused studio personnel confirm.

“This whole thing is getting ridiculous,” McGill said, sending flecks of spittle flying through the air. “There is absolutely no evidence I choose to agree with that proves pop filters even do anything. It’s crazy how many brainwashed people I see complying with the rules of basic recording, just because of something they read on a Gearslutz thread. If God wanted us to neuter our consonants, we’d be born with windscreens over our mouths. Besides, it’s emasculating — when I sing, ‘Impale me on your love sword, baby,’ it can’t be filtered through some wussy piece of pantyhose. I want my fans to feel the full force of my rock… even if they have to replace their speakers afterward.”

Attempts to reason with McGill were ultimately unsuccessful.

“It was pretty much impossible to convince him that the pop filter was not only harmless, but important,” said studio engineer Erin Carmowner. “I almost got through to him by comparing it to the way unwanted light gets filtered out by his wraparound sunglasses. But when I explained that plosives can actually damage my expensive ribbon mics, he got really flustered and took out his phone to start filming me. Thankfully, he couldn’t press record because his screen was so cracked. He must not believe in phone cases, either.”

Despite overwhelming evidence of their effectiveness, the anti-pop filter movement has gained support through Facebook groups and online tutorial videos.

“The media wants you to believe this is a much bigger problem than it really is,” said YouTuber Dylan Cagle. “I mean, statistically, not that many words even have ‘P’ sounds. But hey, if I pop, I pop. It beats the alternative of living in fear. I just wish people would do their own research instead of blindly following instructions. Be sure to like and subscribe, and leave a comment if you agree.”

At press time, studio engineers had placated McGill by letting him sing through an SM-58.

Photo by Jerrod Kingery