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5 Tips for Avoiding Your Coked Out Mom at the Buckcherry Concert

The night is young. You have a Monster Energy Drink in one hand, and a Mad Dog 2020 in the other. Your knuckles are already healing from your pre-show celebratory wall-punch, and you’re ready to jump around like you’re dodging alimony payments.

Unfortunately, Mom was the 69th caller on Mad Dog F.M, so she will also be at the Buckcherry concert coked out of her god damned skull.

One false move and you will be trapped listening to Mom talk at you about how “Crazy Bitch” was written about her, again. The Hard Times is here to help.

1. Know The Look
Though you walk through the valley of the shadow of your mom, you fear not running into her. Her “iconic” look is recognizable from a distance. As soon as you see that Minions neck tattoo, run the other way. If you see Kelly Clarkson highlights so chunky and uneven her head looks like a Rorschach test, best be getting out of there.

If you see a “Live Laugh Love” tramp stamp, it’s time to live laugh leave.

2. Do Drugs
A wise man knows you cannot fight fire with fire. Instead, you must fight fire with wet drippy fire, also known as water. In order to avoid your mom’s chaotic energy at this time, you need to emit the opposite vibes. What is the opposite of cocaine? Acid. If you can feel an extreme sense of oneness with everyone at this concert, then it’s not YOUR mom sitting on some 20-year old’s shoulders throwing her bra on stage, it’s EVERYONE’S momm throwing everyones bra at everybody. Isn’t that fucking wild?

3. Stop Selling Your Mom Coke
This might seem counterintuitive, considering selling your mom coke is how you were able to afford your ticket in the first place. That being said, it’s time to work on some healthy boundaries. Try selling her Ketamine instead.

4. Use A Decoy
Find some guy with tattoos and a guitar to yell about how emotionally unstable, yet adept at intercourse his ex is. It should not be hard, considering most guys who feel this way about the women in their life also have guitars. Knock on your mom’s door, shove this guy into her apartment and tell her it’s Buckcherry. In reality, his name is probably Matt or Uncle Kracker or something, but we guarantee you she will not know the difference.

5. Join Buckcherry
Buckcherry has been known to take in wayward stragglers, so this is actually the easiest tip on the list. As soon as your mom sees you on stage, she’s gonna think it’s the biggest buzzkill ever. Now the Buckcherry concert is basically an Ed Hardy version of your lame middle school clarinet recital, and no amount of cocaine could make that tolerable for her.