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Opinion: Don’t Judge Me by My Tattoos, Judge Me by My Felony Convictions

Being a true American badass means more than just having tattoos. When I was a kid, I knew I was a bad-boy. But did I go out and get “King of Forged Checks” inked across my stomach? Absolutely not. Did I go out and steal a few hundred identities? Oh, hell yes. I put my money where my mouth was. Or, more accurately, I put your money where my coke dealer was.

So don’t judge me by my tattoos. Save the judgment for when you, or an actual county judge, are personally affected by one of the many felonies I have committed.

I’m not trying to brag or anything but I’m about that felon life. I’m tired of celebrities like Pete Davidson or Machine Gun Kelly using tattoos to conjure up this half-assed American bad-boy image, making people think all you need to do to be a piece of shit is to get some tattoos and a access to your little brother’s ADHD medication.

Sure, the public has judged these people plenty, but I’m not impressed until you’re judged by a jury of your peers and every case on the day’s docket is yours.

Yes, my Jesus fish tattoo, this seashell, and my full back piece of the bassist and drummer from Nickelback have been judged. But I’ll have you know this Jesus fish represents the church I drowned, the seashell actually grants access to the temple on Epstein’s island, and, well, I’m not even gonna defend the Nickelback one. They’ve got the tightest rhythm section in butt-rock.

Don’t assume things about people with tattoos. Save your judgment for where it really matters: the deliberation room.