Sexual Tension Between Man and Acoustic Guitar Through the Roof

Posted on by Jovian Gautama

NASHVILLE — Local man and cowboy boots enthusiast Kyle Wilkinson had a brief, steamy encounter with an acoustic dreadnought guitar at a “socially-distanced house party” last night, awkward party-goers confirmed.

“I’ve been in the game long enough to read the signs. If a guitar is just sitting there with a capo clipped on her headstock, it’s a ‘come play me with your fingers’ invitation,” said the 25-year-old Wilkinson, who is currently banned from Guitar Center in three states for playing the intro of Avenged Sevenfold’s “Dear God” six times in a row. “Pro tip — always have a pick prepared for unexpected occasions like this. I always have one in my wallet, right next to the condom that expired in 2017.”

While guitar owner and party host Stevie Piper was not amused with Wilkinson, he tried to stay open-minded about strangers noodling around with his beloved instrument.

“He’s been staring at my goddamn guitar while humming the intro to Matchbox Twenty’s Unwell’ for 20 minutes. I bet he has a pick in his wallet, too,” said Piper. “It’s pretty obvious he wanted to take Connie — I named it after Willie Nelson’s ex-wife — for a ride. Look, I’m open-minded when it comes to strangers fiddling with my instrument, as long there’s a clear line in the sand. One time a guy asked to play her in drop D, and I threw him out of my house.”

Connie, the acoustic guitar in question, described her momentary yet tingling encounter with Wilkinson, admitting she “hasn’t felt that kind of rousing sensation for a long time.”

“Stevie is lovely and gentle with his little hands, but his playing is always a bit vanilla. He’s mostly an open string guy. So we started… ah… experimenting,” the guitar explained. “The last good licks I got from Piper was when he learned that John Mayer sex song. I’d be lying if I said Kyle’s manly, rugged callouses didn’t bring out the tone in me. He has neat fingernails too, which you always want when a man you barely know starts getting his fingers all up on you.”

Near the party’s end, Wilkinson was allegedly seen by several eyewitnesses in Piper’s garage fucking a 2004 Gibson Mandolin.

Fast & Furious Franchise Announces Partnership With Olive Garden

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Restaurant chain Olive Garden has teamed up with the Fast & Furious franchise to promote the importance of “family” as a concept.

“When yew here, ya family,” Vin Diesel says in one of the several promotional videos, walking into frame holding a bottle of Corona beer in one hand and a bunch of loose fettuccine alfredo in the other. “There’s nothin more important than sittin ‘round the table and breakin bread with your crew, your family. That’s why me and my drivurs always come to Olive Garden after we save the world… because when yew’re family? Yaw’re family. And that’s what a family does. They be one.”

The series of advertisements was a colossal hit with fans of the restaurant chain and film franchise.

“What’s interesting about the Olive Garden Fast & Furious ads is that they don’t seem to actually advertise either the restaurant or the movies. I think that’s perfect,” explained Twitter user @TokyoGrift. “It’s just like they say: ‘when you’re family, you’re family. And when you’re at Olive Garden you’re family. And also when you’re in a crew, you’re family.’ That’s a direct quote from the video that I agree with.”

“As someone who thinks that the Fast 9 trailer should win Best Short Film at the 2020 Oscars, I’m more than willing to watch the Fast cast just kinda mill about in an Olive Garden,” said @2Frank2Furious. “I want to know what these guys are up to in their spare time. I want a Truman Show style television show about the life of Dominic Torreto and his friends. The message of these films is so important to me, because I’ve never had a family of my own. Dom, Brian, Letty, Roman, etc… they’re my chosen family. I was brought to tears seeing Han, safe and alive, wolf down a bowl of shrimp scampi.”

“My favorite part of the Olive Garden videos was seeing the mean restaurant manager who wouldn’t let Dom bring in his own burgers that he cooked at home,” said @FastAndFuriousPresentsChris. “I’m pretty sure he was supposed to be a cousin of the Shaws or something. And if I know anything about the Fast & Furious franchise, he’ll end up being in the crew by the 10th movie.”

At press time, due to disagreements with the cast, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson announced he was working on a series of videos himself, titled Olive Garden Presents: Hobbes and Bread Stick.

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Anxious Roommate Leaves Mysterious “Sorry” Note on Every Door in House

Posted on by Emma Jonas

PORTLAND — Anxious roommate Megan Styers allegedly adorned every door in her house with a post-it note bearing only the word “sorry,” “just in case anything is weird or anything,” according to irritated sources.

“Megan’s actually a pretty good roommate — we don’t see her much, and she never makes a sound. She’s definitely cleaner than the rest of us and she always makes sure the trash goes out,” roommate Nina Holcomb said. “I mean, if no one else takes it out, she’ll take it out, even if it’s 5:30 in the morning, and she’s never once asked us to try to remember. Most of the time she washes dishes or vacuums before anyone can even get to them. I can’t imagine what she would apologize for, but I can count on things being unnecessarily weird around the apartment for at least the next two weeks, so that’s a relief.”

Psychoanalyst and handwriting expert Marsha Kerns said the formation and spacing of the letters indicate a pattern of repeated and meaningless distress.

“The subject clearly uses the written apology to self-soothe, and by visually marking every door in the home she has preemptively created an environment wherein no one can logically become angry with her because she has already apologized,” Kerns said. “As far as defense mechanisms go, this one is a remarkably effective if sad form of self-preservation, which is evidenced by the total confusion experienced by those to whom she’s apologized.”

Interestingly, Styers’s Tumblr following has nearly quadrupled since news of her postings became public, with one follower, tears_for_tears, co-opting Styer’s methods in their own home.

“I already scheduled my classes and work around never having to interact with my roommates ever again,” the devotee said. “And now with the Megan Method, as I like to call it… I hope that’s OK… anyway, I don’t have to let my anxiety control me. I’ve taken control of my anxiety through nothing more than debilitating codependency and angering passive aggression. And I’m allowing it to conduct all my social activities for me. Life has never been better.”

“Sorry if that’s not helpful,” they added.

Metalhead Attorney Cites Roth v. Hagar

Posted on by Chuck Kowalski

PITTSBURGH — Local attorney and hair metal fanatic Rourke Caldwell asked a jury this morning to consider the “landmark case of Roth v. Hagar” when ruling on his defendant’s alleged arson charges, court records show.

“We are guided by momentous decisions of the past like Rhoads v. Wylde, Ozzy v. Dio, and, most importantly, Roth v. Hagar,” Caldwell told the jury while playing air guitar. “Can we truly call ourselves a society governed by the rule of law when ‘5150’ can be mentioned in the same breath as the kick-ass, far superior, Roth-fronted ‘1984?’ If so, ladies and gentlemen, then may the blood of shitty ballads stain your hands forever… oh, and my client’s blood, too.”

Caldwell’s client Shawn Bollinger took exception to his counsel’s strategy.

“I was fine, even encouraged, when [Caldwell] showed up with a Dokken cutoff under his suit jacket,” Bollinger said after being found in contempt for celebrating a sustained objection with the devil horns hand gesture. “I can’t believe I entrusted my future to somebody who supports the reckless, undisciplined antics of David Lee Roth over the refined professionalism and musicianship of Sammy Hagar. I swear to Christ, if I hear him even mention Gary Cherone I’ll demand to represent myself.”

One juror, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, recounted the “bizarre nature” of proceedings so far.

“I was already floored that the judge permitted 31 hours of vinyl to be submitted as evidence to build foundation,” the juror revealed with ‘Why Can’t This Be Love’ blaring in the background. “Now we’re sequestered until we agree if it’s valid to compare the synth-heavy pop tracks that defined the Hagar era with the guitar-driven hits of the Roth era? I have a job to get to — clearly the leather ‘Judas Priest’ wallet found at the scene of the crime was the defendant’s. Can’t we just find him guilty and be on our way?”

Records also show that Caldwell and Bollinger nearly came to blows in the courtroom after Bollinger called his laywer an “incompetent corporate shill” for preferring Megadeth’s “Countdown to Extinction” over “Rust in Peace.”

Have You Watched ‘The Shield’ Yet?

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Hey bud how’s it going? I’ll give the phone back to your mother in a second just wanted to say hi. Hey. Have you gotten around to watching “The Shield” yet? Remember I told you about it last week.

It’s really a great show. Like a good quality show like The Sopranos or The Mad Men.

The cool thing is it’s not even on HBO or any of the pay channels it’s just on your regular tv, you can just watch it. I’ve been watching an episode every night after your mother falls asleep. It’s on every night I think on FX or is it FXX. Maybe it’s TNT. It’s on at 9:00. Are you usually home around that time?

It’s about cops, you gotta see it!

TNT has some good stuff too. I think they even have an app. They have movies on there too, you know, movies that were just in theaters. I saw that Batman movie the other day with Superman in it. That’s pretty new, I’m telling you TNT has some god stuff.

Anyway yeah ‘The Shield.’ It’s about this cop and it’s real gritty like ‘The Walking Dead.’ Sometimes I’m watching it and I can’t believe it! It’s really just a well-done show.

Have you seen The Walking Dead?

Your mother doesn’t like it cause it’s a little violent but you know her, she can be a little uptight with that kind of stuff. But I’m telling you you’d really like it! I know you like action and horror movies. You gotta check out The Shield.

Michael Chiklis is in it!

I’m telling you you gotta see this thing. It’s funny cause I just came across it when I was flipping during the commercials when I was watching the NFL Postgame Live and I got totally sucked in. I kept telling your mom to come down cause she doesn’t like to watch sports but she just doesn’t get it. I told her “look this is a good show right here, these cops on this show know what they’re doing.” She don’t care. I think the guy that made it was a real cop. Maybe he still is?

That’s something aint it? Imagine that just having a job and making it a TV show. Hey, I should make a show about managing an electrical supply facility. We do see some characters in there. Maybe you can help me make that a show, you and your friends are creative like that. Let’s you and me and your friends get together and make a show about the moral ambiguity of managing an electrical supply facility.

Probably make some good money, right?

Really you gotta check out “The Shield.” It’s good stuff. You can probably find it online somewhere like Netflix. I think they have DVDs you can get that too.

I think it’s on TNT.

Friends Assume Musician Made Living from Music Before Pandemic

Posted on by Tom Peters

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local musician Wes Feltus is allegedly receiving ill-placed sympathy from friends who assume his income came from playing music until the COVID-19 pandemic halted live performances across the country, well-meaning sources confirmed.

“I don’t have the heart to tell my normie friends that my financial situation hasn’t really changed much since everything shut down,” said Feltus, who works part-time as an in-store grocery shopper. “They never really came to see me play, so I think they assume other people did. If anything, I’ve actually saved money not playing out-of-town shows where I spend more than I make at the bar and end up springing for a motel room. But it seems to make people feel better when they reach out, so I just go with it.”

“It’s always been my goal to support myself with my art,” Feltus added, “so the fact that people think I do is kind of the next best thing.”

Unfortunately, friends of Feltus grossly overestimated the economic hardship of who they assume to be a working musician.

“I can’t imagine what it’s like to have the rug pulled out from under you like that and lose your whole livelihood overnight,” said former classmate Dae Jeong. “I try to check in on him when I can, and occasionally I’ll drop off some soup or a casserole. I even listened to some of his music. It wasn’t my thing, but I left it playing on Spotify with the volume down, just so he’d have a few extra bucks in his pocket.”

Stanford University economist Robert Wagonthrall explained how the valuation of bands by their non-musical friend groups is often divorced from real-world financials.

“It’s not uncommon for a local band’s perceived worth to exceed their actual economic performance,” Wagonthrall said. “In fact, an IG-savvy frontperson or an attractive T-shirt design can help a band generate tens of dollars in crowdfunding revenue without ever producing a single piece of music. That’s why I’ve always been a proponent of more reliable musical investments that don’t depreciate in value over time, like gold-tipped guitar cables or drink tickets.”

At press time, Feltus was still waiting for friends to join his Zoom meeting for the virtual show they had suggested.

Vlogger Parents Looking Forward to Streaming Child Unboxing

Posted on by Kevin Grant

LOS ANGELES — Kayleigh Jones, 23, better known by her YouTube alias M0therKnowsBest, has publicly announced her decision to livestream the unboxing of her first child.

“It was a difficult decision,” said Jones in an interview, “but I believe this is a fantastic opportunity for community-building among my subscribers. It’s not every day that I get my hands on such a dynamic product, so I want to use it to build engagement with my audience and demonstrate empathy for and with my viewers.”

Jones started with an ASMR channel in 2017 to mild success. Sick of eating celery seven days a week, she made the pivot to unboxing various tech products, toys, shoes, and soon, a human being. She saw rapid channel growth since the announcement eight months ago.

Her husband Dan Jones, 38, plans to man the camera during the stream.

“We’ve got a top-of-the-line camera,” said her husband. “Like, we paid nearly three hundred dollars for this guy on eBay. I bought a boom mic, too, and we’re just gonna, y’know, get this bad boy up in there. Delilah’s planning to get a tattoo right across her thighs with her OnlyFans on it, and we want to make sure to get that in 4k.”

Kayleigh rejected claims that her actions were “exploitative” and “cynical.”

“I’m a proud soon-to-be parent,” Jones said in her defense. “This is the most important moment of my life. It’s all I’ve ever dreamt of. I’ve been waiting for years for a moment like this—the highlight reel alone is absolutely going to get us that gold play button.”

When asked about their plans for their future child, Kayleigh said she was hoping to break into the Trending tab by the baby’s first birthday.

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Family Guy Celebrates 20th Season as Background Noise

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — The hit animated sitcom “Family Guy” is celebrating 20 seasons this year as America’s top choice for something to have on in the background while they scroll their phone or do the dishes or whatever.

“We’re really excited to continue marketing to the key ‘force of habit’ demographic for a nearly unprecedented 20th season,” noted creator Seth MacFarlane. “Our longtime fans who will continue to only occasionally glance up from their computers or phones every so often can look forward to being disappointed all over again that they fought so hard to bring this show back. Whether they’re laughing at the occasional brilliant or biting satirical take, or groaning at our lazy, lowbrow, punch-down jokes, they can at least remember how this show used to be well-written and subversive while arranging anonymous hookups on Grindr.”

“Family Guy” producers directly thanked their core audience of insomniacs, telecommuters, stoners, doomscrollers, and people with ADHD.

“It’s honestly the perfect show to have on since I started working from home,” said longtime “fan” Alexa Chandler. “The stories never really require me to pay much attention, and most of the jokes have nothing to do with the plot, so I’m able to stay pretty productive while getting the gist of what’s going on. Besides, the best bits are either the cutaways or when Stewie and Brian are bantering, so I can just tune in for those.”

TV critic Eric Thune of the AV Club agreed regarding the once-kind-of-groundbreaking show.

“Oh, yeah. I guess I used to review that show,” remarked Thune. “I’m not actually sure if we even still do reviews of that one. To be honest, I usually had a template noting the occasional funny joke or two, then I’d add a comment on some of the more questionable jokes, criticize the weak storyline, and give it a C. I think we just had an intern tweak it as needed.”

As part of the acknowledgements, MacFarlane thanked fans of “Family Guy” lead-in “Bob’s Burgers” for leaving their TV on once their show is over.

Bikini Model Has No Idea Why She Can’t Make Friends With Strangers on Facebook

Posted on by Ryan Danley

DORAL, Fla. — Professional swimwear model and University of Miami co-ed Sarah Nguyen has sadly found her countless attempts at friend-requesting new and interesting people across all social media platforms nearly impossible, for reasons she admitted she cannot comprehend.

“After this difficult year with no interaction with anyone, I figured Facebook would be a great way to meet some new people, so I took some cool shots of a new bikini I’ve been modeling and put a link to my model website on my profile. I sent out a few hundred friend requests, and the only people who accepted already have a ton of bikini model friends,” said Nguyen. “I saw a guy who sold insurance in Nebraska — I don’t know anything about insurance, and he looked like he didn’t know anything about swimwear, and I thought we could teach each other. But he reported my account immediately. For a simple friend request?”

“How’s a 5’9,” slender, 21-year-old thong model supposed to network these days?” she added.

Nguyen’s mother, Cindy, sympathized.

“I feel really bad for her — she’s always been a shy, girl-next-door type who just wants to share her dorm room pictures with random men. I told her to put that in her bio, and that only seemed to make it worse somehow,” she said. “I just want her to get out there in the world. I guess her next step is putting an ad in the back of a local paper.”

Despite Nguyen’s frustrations, Mark O’Shay, the director of social media outreach for industry-leading Spectrum Marketing, claimed her situation is common.

“Over the past decade, we’ve seen many people struggle to break through the social media wall: swimwear models, people giving away iPads, people with a great deal on Ray-Ban sunglasses… they’re all being pushed to the side, and we can’t figure out why. All our research shows that these are things universally loved,” said O’Shay. “The internet world is very confusing. You’re not going to believe this, but I have four clients who are members of different royal African families who are literally trying to give their money away. And they’re not even getting a return email.”

Nguyen was unavailable for further comment, as she was attempting to reach several friends from high school about a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity in which they surely would be interested.

Call Me Old Fashioned but I Believe Marriage Is Between a Protagonist and Someone They Were Just Friends With for 5 Seasons

Posted on by Dan Rice

There’s no denying that the institution of marriage has drastically changed over the last few decades. I would never get in the way of any two adults being married legally because, after all, a marriage is a legal contract with certain benefits that should be available to all couples. That being said, everyone has their own value system and I am no different. It may be a dated opinion but for me, a real marriage can only be between two characters on a once-popular television show after the writers have been spinning their wheels for too long.

Cory and Topanga. Luke and Lorelai. Jake and Amy. Television history is rich with storybook romances spawned by a bunch of pot-addled television writers getting bored and saying, “let’s switch it up a little this season.” These storybook marriages are right where they, and all marriages, truly belong — in stories.

No two real people should ever actually wed. That’s insane. No one is built for that. A marriage, a true marriage, is a contrivance to motivate stale characters through another half-season of tired antics.

We all love when Steve Urkel turns himself into Stefan but if some real-life nerd really built a machine that made him cool, we would all probably be pretty freaked out. Marriage is the same way. If real-life married people loved each other the way Lesley and Ben did, it would shatter your universe. It’s just not how the real world is supposed to be.

Conversely, real-life marriage doesn’t work for television. It’s something put upon two people who don’t-not dig each other enough to break up, that still need to combine assets for tax purposes until such a time that society evolves past such archaic constructs. It makes for bad comedy.

I don’t need you to agree with me, but please believe that my worldview is not rooted in any hatred or bigotry. I cried like a baby at the wedding of Uncle Russell and Chris on a very special episode of Roc. I embrace the union of any two characters regardless of race, sexuality, or gender. Just as long as they are two completely fictional people signaling to me, the viewer, that a sitcom has pretty much run its course and to lower my expectations going forward.