Press "Enter" to skip to content

Sexual Tension Between Man and Acoustic Guitar Through the Roof

NASHVILLE — Local man and cowboy boots enthusiast Kyle Wilkinson had a brief, steamy encounter with an acoustic dreadnought guitar at a “socially-distanced house party” last night, awkward party-goers confirmed.

“I’ve been in the game long enough to read the signs. If a guitar is just sitting there with a capo clipped on her headstock, it’s a ‘come play me with your fingers’ invitation,” said the 25-year-old Wilkinson, who is currently banned from Guitar Center in three states for playing the intro of Avenged Sevenfold’s “Dear God” six times in a row. “Pro tip — always have a pick prepared for unexpected occasions like this. I always have one in my wallet, right next to the condom that expired in 2017.”

While guitar owner and party host Stevie Piper was not amused with Wilkinson, he tried to stay open-minded about strangers noodling around with his beloved instrument.

“He’s been staring at my goddamn guitar while humming the intro to Matchbox Twenty’s Unwell’ for 20 minutes. I bet he has a pick in his wallet, too,” said Piper. “It’s pretty obvious he wanted to take Connie — I named it after Willie Nelson’s ex-wife — for a ride. Look, I’m open-minded when it comes to strangers fiddling with my instrument, as long there’s a clear line in the sand. One time a guy asked to play her in drop D, and I threw him out of my house.”

Connie, the acoustic guitar in question, described her momentary yet tingling encounter with Wilkinson, admitting she “hasn’t felt that kind of rousing sensation for a long time.”

“Stevie is lovely and gentle with his little hands, but his playing is always a bit vanilla. He’s mostly an open string guy. So we started… ah… experimenting,” the guitar explained. “The last good licks I got from Piper was when he learned that John Mayer sex song. I’d be lying if I said Kyle’s manly, rugged callouses didn’t bring out the tone in me. He has neat fingernails too, which you always want when a man you barely know starts getting his fingers all up on you.”

Near the party’s end, Wilkinson was allegedly seen by several eyewitnesses in Piper’s garage fucking a 2004 Gibson Mandolin.