Punk Boy Scout 1 Cig Away From Earning Nicotine Patch

Posted on by Kate Howard

CHAUNCEY, Ohio — 11-year-old Boy Scout Albie Tamari is reportedly just one cigarette away from earning the highly esteemed Nicotine Patch to add to his collection of accomplishments, impressed and concerned sources alike confirmed.

“I’m real proud of myself,” Tamari coughed. “Smoking a pack a day has been super tough given my child-sized lung capacity, and the fact I have to steal these cigarettes from my dad’s friend Marty, so I hope I’ve inspired other kids my age to pursue this goal, because it is possible if you have the right mindset and negligent adults in your life. That nicotine patch will prove I’m just as capable as any other smoker, while also helping me kick this nasty addiction I’ve picked up.”

Despite the admiration from the rest of his Scout troop and well-wishing punks across the nation, Tamari’s family members are not that thrilled with his prowess.

“I signed Albie up for the Boy Scouts of America so he would stop hanging out at that skate park across town where all those kids got stabbed last year. I figured the Scouts would straighten him out,” said Albie’s mother Carrie Tamari, while blowing a large vape cloud. “But no! I caught him with a pack of American Spirits, and I found out the Scout leader told Albie that getting hooked on nicotine would train him to be like a real citizen. What bullshit.”

Scoutmaster Billy Green defended the nicotine training program against the parental backlash.

“Look, these kids are going to get into drugs no matter which life path they take. It’s a staple of American culture. Why not get them into a socially acceptable drug like nicotine in a controlled, communal environment?” said Green. “Besides, the nicotine patch is a true honor, and for Albie to earn that patch before he even reaches middle school? Impeccable. Of course, rewarding Albie with the nicotine patch is not just a symbol of congratulations, but a way to tell him that he needs to cut back if he doesn’t want to get lung cancer. It’s not like we don’t have these boys’ best interests at heart.”

Tamari reportedly only has to pull six more sleepless nights if he wants to add the melatonin patch to his list of accolades.

Sony Advises Gamers Against Cracking Apart PS5 Like Delicious Pistachio

Posted on by Steven Porfiri

TOKYO — In an effort to prevent damage to their products, the game publisher and console manufacturer Sony urged customers not to pull apart the new PlayStation 5 as if it were a delicious pistachio in an urgent video posted to their social media channels this morning. 

“Please understand that it may have indeed been a design flaw to make the outer shell of the new PlayStation 5 appear similar to a pistachio,” said Sony mechanical engineer Akira Oda, noting that the console is unfortunately completely inedible despite its appetizing nut-like appearance. “But alas, you will not find the delicious, salted center of a pistachio nut within. Instead you’ll only discover our Ultra-HD Blu-Ray drive unit, as well as a double-sided air intake fan, and the fact that your warranty has been voided.” 

The video specifies that, should players have a need to get into the casing of their PS5 for maintenance, the proper way to do so is by lifting the panel from the back corner of the console, a technique which Oda also clarifies would be ineffective at opening an actual pistachio.

“We at Sony know that enjoying games is hungry work, so we recommend that instead of trying to pry open and consume your new PS5, that you prepare to have a preferred snack on hand during play,” continues Oda in the video. ”We recommend something rich in protein as well as unsaturated fats, such as the humble pistachio itself – as long as you can tell the difference, of course.”

Throughout the remainder of the video, Oda can be seen putting on a pair of white latex gloves before narrating a thorough hands-on teardown of dozens of pistachios while eating them one by one.

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Mars Rover Immediately Fills All Inventory Slots With Ferrite Dust

Posted on by Andy Holt

PASADENA, Calif. — Mars rover Perseverance has already been filled to the brim with ferrite dust, engineers announced this morning.

“We kinda just aimed the thing in a random direction and started going to town. Was it a bit hasty? Sure,” said Dr. Mort Jacobson, a physicist at the Jet Propulsion Lab. “To be fair, the interface is confusing.”

While the ferrite dust has not proven useful, engineers were quick to defend themselves and the rover.

“You hear all this hype about Mars. You hear about how it’s getting better, and how there’s cool new stuff, like evidence of saltwater oceans,” said Jacobson. “Can you blame us for getting a little overexcited?”

Mission officials were cautious about next steps.

“It’s not clear how much we should drop. This ferrite crap is all over the place, so it’s probably important. What if we need a boatload of it later on, and we dropped most of ours?” said mission director Gina Helms. “We’d look like real jackasses then.”

At press time, the engineers were trying to figure out if they could stack the ferrite dust or something.

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New Relationship Winds Down to “Let’s Actually Watch the Movie” Phase

Posted on by Dan Rice

IDAHO FALLS, Idaho — The three-month-old and, until now, extremely sexually charged relationship between Tom Paulsey and Dawn Sunland finally de-escalated last night into watching an entire movie instead of engaging in Olympic-level sexual escapades 10 minutes in, according to friends and neighbors.

“Last Saturday I heard the ‘Jurassic Park’ theme coming from their TV and thought, ‘Hoo boy, it’s fuckfest time.’ I was a little disappointed when I realized that all the hollering and screaming I heard was coming from people being eaten by dinosaurs,” said neighbor Jim Philips, who shares an apartment wall with Paulsey. “I’m not exactly proud to admit this, but their loud, creative, and extremely vocal sexual proclivities had become a sort of starting gun for my own routine, if you know what I’m saying, so this is a real bummer for everyone… except maybe that lady in 3F who gets up at like, 4 a.m. for work.”

While the return to normalcy comes as a blow to neighbors like Philips and the perverts who live below the couple, some mutual friends welcome the change.

“We got coffee yesterday, and she starts talking about how she went to Tom’s place last night and they put on ‘RoboCop,’ and I brace myself thinking, ‘Here comes a big ole’ earful of unsolicited graphic sex details,’” recalled Sunland’s longtime friend Kelly Travers. “But then she just walked me through the plot of ‘Robocop.’ I have to be honest, I’m relieved by the change of pace. Also, I never realized how satirical ‘RoboCop’ was. I might rent it.”

As a sign of further maturity, Paulsey and Sunland have reportedly been showing up to appointments on time again, and even stopped leaving events early because of giggle-laced claims of “work in the morning.”

“Some relationships start heavy, and after a few months of steady, carnal, porn-star level fucking, the brain starts to confuse the constant dopamine release as real, genuine love,” said psychiatrist and relationship expert Dr. Cassandra Aimen, on the couple’s sudden shift. “They’ll spend another three months exploring that delusion by doing ‘activities’ together, slowly exposing their basic incompatibility in the process. After that, they’ll either break up or be back at it like jack-rabbits.”

At press time, the pair was being led into an axe-throwing venue by another couple who were celebrating their two-year anniversary and looking mildly confused.

5 Easy Ways To Make Someone’s Genetic Hearing Loss About All the Loud Shows You Went To in Your 20s

Posted on by Krissy Howard

Hearing loss can be stressful and isolating. If there’s one person who knows all about that, it’s your close friend with genetic hearing loss who’s telling you about it. And if there’s one person who can totally relate to this, it’s you, someone who was in a band from 2014-2017. Sure, you don’t rely on lip-reading or closed captioning to understand what people are saying, but you did see Mastodon before they got big. So if anyone understands what a struggle hearing impairment can be, it’s you, somehow.

Here are 5 easy and effective ways to make someone’s genetic hearing loss about you not wearing earplugs in your 20s.

Ask questions – Ask your friend questions about their experience with hearing loss. It will make them feel heard. Then tell them it’s even harder for you because you wanted to look cool and lean up against the stage monitors. Then ask them to repeat themselves. Man, you went to so many shows, they’re probably surprised you can still hear anything!

Become competitive – There’s no way this person’s hearing is as bad as yours. You’ve been going to shows since you were 14, so just make something up about being 63% deaf in your left ear or something. That is sure to impress them and, more importantly, move the focus back to what’s really important — you!

Refuse their reasoning – There is just no way that someone can’t hear for any reason other than the reason you can’t hear. It’s simple logic. You went to shows for 10 years and now you sometimes get symptoms of mild tinnitus. Are we missing something here? If they say it runs in their family then maybe their mom just stood too close to a bass amp when she was pregnant. Who can be sure? Certainly not the person attempting to explain their own medical condition to you, so don’t let them.

Make a dismissive joke – There’s no better way to say “I understand,” than to insult someone to their face, but in a funny way! After all, your dating app profile explicitly states how funny your friends think you are, so here’s a good time to put those skills to use. One joke that is never not funny to a hearing-impaired person is to say “what?” when they tell you they are hard of hearing. It probably only gets funnier the more times someone hears it (if they can hear it at all LOL!).

Just start talking and don’t stop – If the person you’ve encountered insists on explaining that their hearing loss is due to hereditary reasons, simply start talking over them. They’re used to being dismissed and unconsidered, so they will likely give up immediately. If, by some chance, you’ve found yourself trapped by some bitch feminist-type who does assert themselves, make them feel stupid by talking low on purpose, then repeating what you said very slowly and loud. Like how you probably do with people for whom English is a second language. If being in the punk scene taught you anything, it’s that there’s room for everyone as long as they understand that your needs come first.

Nardwuar Almost Done Offloading His Scratched, Unplayable Records to Celebrities

Posted on by John Danek

VANCOUVER — Famed musician and celebrity interviewer Nardwuar the Human Serviette has nearly finished his quest to dump his scratched, broken, warped, or otherwise unplayable vinyl records on his unwitting subjects, according to sources.

“Welcome to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada! Where every record store has banned me from selling my collection because the records are somehow so damaged they break turntables,” stated Nardwuar, who has also been banned from all major music venues for sneaking into HVAC vents to interview subjects. “It wasn’t always like this. I used to give the interviewee nice presents! But once those meanies like Sonic Youth, Lydia Lunch, and Blur bullied me and took my hat, I had to get revenge.”

“Doot doola doot do,” Nardwuar added. “Fuck! You! Enjoy this empty record sleeve, you arrogant pieces of shit!”

Nardwuar’s fans were dismayed to learn that his interviews were not quite as benevolent as they seemed.

“I’ve fallen down YouTube wormholes watching Nardwuar for days on end, and I thought he was one of the few saints of the music world,” explained former fan Kelly Yanowski. “But there are few crimes worse than passing off a non-working vinyl record as a gift. What’s next? Fantano doesn’t actually listen to music? Marc Maron is actually a happy guy? I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

Even worse, some of Nardwuar’s subjects spoke out against the interviewer’s kindhearted facade.

“You know, I can sniff an asshole from a mile away. Six years in a sweaty van with Black Flag will do that to you,” explained famed singer and poet Henry Rollins between deadlifts. “But Nardwuar is a special breed — he acts all coy and gives artists dusty, fucked up Germs records to manipulate them into sharing their secrets, when in reality, the only way to the top is to work hard. Work your fingers to the bone. Burn the midnight oil. Push yourself further than you’ve ever gone before. Bleed for your art. Sorry, I legally have to say stuff like this every time I speak.”

Nardwuar’s troubles only deepened after accusations surfaced that he is not even actually from Canada, upon which Kid Cudi demanded Nardwuar show his birth certificate.

Photo from YouTube. 

Director of Upcoming Game ‘Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head’ Insists It Won’t Be Political in Nature

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — The director of an upcoming first person shooter set in Dallas during the 1960s, Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head, has insisted that the game contains no political overtones whatsoever. 

“We’re very excited to bring Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head to PC and consoles this November,” said Daniel Penn, creative director at Pecunia Games. “However, we’d just like to clarify that there is nothing at all political about this title, wherein you assassinate the 35th American president, reenacting a traumatic moment shared by the entire country. I mean really, if they can do Call of Duty: Cold War and Six Days in Fallujah, why can’t we make our game?”

The surprise video announcement of the game was met with mixed reception from gamers and critics alike. Some saw it as an outrageously tone deaf exploitation of one of American history’s darker moments, while others were able to separate the politics from the act of shooting the sitting president in the head and marvel at the game’s HD graphics and period accurate 1960s setting. 

“I’m not really sure what everybody is mad about,” said Max Alton, a self proclaimed avid gamer. “People are saying this is political, but it’s a first person shooter, you can’t even tell if you’re supposed to be a girl or not. This just looks to me like a historically accurate game that doesn’t interject bullshit SJW talking points. Plus, did you see that footage of the grassy knoll on a Series X? Get the fuck out of here.”

Some in the games media have spoken about the precedent set by previous games inspired by true events, claiming that Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head is receiving disproportionate criticism . 

“Look, a lot of art is inspired by real events, games are no different” said Dalton Biel, a gaming journalist. “There’s bound to be some historic stuff in there, whether you’re searching for The Black Dahlia in L.A. Noire, participating in the Boston Tea Party in Assassin’s Creed III, or shooting JFK in the fucking head. That doesn’t make it political by definition. If this game does have a critical flaw, I’m afraid it’s the criminally short run time.”

As of press time, Pecunia Games found themselves in hot water after fans discovered that the Stab Lee Harvey Oswald in the Fucking Abdomen Repeatedly DLC would cost $10.

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Initial Probe of Mars Surface Reveals no New Information on Metroid Prime 4

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — NASA’s Perseverance rover has landed on Mars and reportedly discovered no new information about Nintendo’s upcoming video game, Metroid Prime 4. 

“Oh man, what a disappointment,” said Bryce Walter, who watched today’s landing hoping for some time of glimpse at the long awaited sequel. “I mean, I guess landing something on Mars is cool, but I was really hoping this was all somehow tied into a promotional campaign for Metroid Prime 4. It’s been years dude, what the fuck is going on there?”

NASA employees were reportedly confused about the mixed reception the landing got. 

“I’m just not sure why these gamers would’ve expected something about Metroid Prime 4 today,” said Acting Administrator of NASA, Steve Jurczyk. “We’re just trying to explore the galaxy and learn more about the universe. We’re up there looking for signs of life and recording some sounds, not looking for news about a video game. Plus, they announced that they started over on that game in like 2019, and then Covid hit. Use your heads, people. I mean, it’s not even a localized Mother 3, so calm down.”

At press time, fans were further dismayed when NASA teed up a big announcement, only to discover that all they had found was some shitty water.

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Everything You Need To Know About the New Four Loko Vaccine

Posted on by Sarah Feliciano

With several COVID-19 vaccines dominating the conversation these days, you may be wondering which one is the safest option. But why inject a foreign concoction into your veins when you can go with an experienced company whose name you trust? That’s why the creators of Four Loko have introduced a new vaccine to the market.

According to the head of the FDA, Janet Woodcock, “it is not yet approved, nor will it ever be. This is an extremely unethical and lethal vaccine that will kill its recipients if distributed.” But this ain’t your granny’s vaccine so don’t be a fucking wuss.

The days of FDA-approved, sterile vaccines are over. With a 69% effectiveness rate, you won’t have to worry about the virus. Feel the immunity radiate through your veins after just one shot.

That’s right, the new Four Loko vaccine is a single-dose, shareable vaccine. Just pass the needle between you and a few of your closest buds at one of the Four Loko vaccination sites. They’ll be set up at parks after midnight and in basements of kids whose parents are out of town.

And luckily for you, the company has reintroduced caffeine, guarana, alcohol, and lead to its recipe for both immunity and buzz. It’s a quadruple threat baby.

It’s also the only vaccine that comes in different flavors like Blue Razzazz, Sour Apple, and Battery. Virus take your taste buds? Well, this vaccine reinvigorates them like a radioactive punch to the face.

Do you really want to be one of those immune losers complaining about a sore arm or do you want to be so drunk that the virus gets too smashed to infect you? Your choice, virgin. We’ll be over here leveling up and the only thing we’ll be in the hospital for is alcohol poisoning. Take that, COVID!