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Everything You Need To Know About the New Four Loko Vaccine

With several COVID-19 vaccines dominating the conversation these days, you may be wondering which one is the safest option. But why inject a foreign concoction into your veins when you can go with an experienced company whose name you trust? That’s why the creators of Four Loko have introduced a new vaccine to the market.

According to the head of the FDA, Janet Woodcock, “it is not yet approved, nor will it ever be. This is an extremely unethical and lethal vaccine that will kill its recipients if distributed.” But this ain’t your granny’s vaccine so don’t be a fucking wuss.

The days of FDA-approved, sterile vaccines are over. With a 69% effectiveness rate, you won’t have to worry about the virus. Feel the immunity radiate through your veins after just one shot.

That’s right, the new Four Loko vaccine is a single-dose, shareable vaccine. Just pass the needle between you and a few of your closest buds at one of the Four Loko vaccination sites. They’ll be set up at parks after midnight and in basements of kids whose parents are out of town.

And luckily for you, the company has reintroduced caffeine, guarana, alcohol, and lead to its recipe for both immunity and buzz. It’s a quadruple threat baby.

It’s also the only vaccine that comes in different flavors like Blue Razzazz, Sour Apple, and Battery. Virus take your taste buds? Well, this vaccine reinvigorates them like a radioactive punch to the face.

Do you really want to be one of those immune losers complaining about a sore arm or do you want to be so drunk that the virus gets too smashed to infect you? Your choice, virgin. We’ll be over here leveling up and the only thing we’ll be in the hospital for is alcohol poisoning. Take that, COVID!