Woman Receives Yet Another Unsolicited Fish Pic on Tinder

Posted on by Ben Friedman

RACINE, Wisc. — Local woman Madison Kemper nearly reached her breaking point with Tinder last night after receiving yet another unsolicited fish pic, sources close to the exasperated single confirmed.

“Every day it’s the same: I swipe on a cute guy, we make small talk about our favorite movies, and then out of nowhere they send me a pic of them holding some dead-eyed bass they pulled out of a gross lake,” said the 32-year-old as she hurriedly swiped left on a man wearing wraparound sunglasses. “When I said in my profile that I like the outdoors, I meant like, going on brief hikes and drinking in the park. At least when I was getting dick pics I could laugh at them with my friends; these fish just make me increasingly sad.”

Despite days of lively conversation, one of the many men Kemper had previously matched with was still confused why he was suddenly blocked after sending her a picture from his recent camping trip.

“Man, I don’t know what these women want anymore. All I want to do is show them I’m a good provider, and you’re telling me dropping a dope pic of me catching a 13” trout with a rubber worm isn’t impressive? It mustn’t be, because I have seen exactly zero tits so far,” said former match Trent Hillson. “I mean, I could stop uploading fishing pics, but what else do I have other than my ‘Saturdays are for the Boys’ banner and my Trump 2020 paraphernalia? I’ve already learned that shit doesn’t fly.”

Tinder developers are increasingly concerned about the dearth of fish pics, as the sheer amount being sent is taking its toll across the app.

“It’s not just that women are leaving Tinder because they feel harassed by boring bros; our servers are getting absolutely crushed by these idiots. We estimate that 85% of images uploaded are of a guy in a Salt Life hat holding a fish an inch from his face. We just don’t have the capacity,“ said Tinder’s operations manager Christie Lang. “Users are leaving us in droves for more sophisticated dating apps that have ‘fish blockers’ — basically, weeding out the assholes by forcing men to have personalities.”

Kemper later deleted Tinder altogether after stumbling upon her father’s profile, which featured a picture of him standing next to a marlin he definitely didn’t catch.

I Took Joe Rogan’s Diet Advice and Now I’m an Alpha Male With Heart Disease

Posted on by Sophie Len

Joe Rogan is my hero. He’s a real man’s man, and that’s what I aim to be. For the past year, I’ve taken his diet advice, and have consumed nothing but red meat every single day. Now men everywhere want to be me ― even my own doctor won’t stop calling me.

The beginning of my diet change was tough, but the results were instant. Rogan recommends I kill my food with my own bare hands, but unfortunately, I live in Los Angeles and that’s looked down upon here. He’s right, this place fucking sucks.

I considered skinning my roommate’s cat but did the next best thing instead: I hunted for it… and by that I mean I purchased prepackaged steak at my local Whole Foods. I could instantly feel the masculinity enter my body as I scoffed at the items in other people’s shopping carts. Tofu? Ha! Cucks.

Six months in and I was already diagnosed with heart disease. My doctor put me on high blood pressure medication. I told him not to worry, I am already red-pilled. I assured him my shortness of breath and sharp chest pain is just part of being a full-fledged alpha male. He recommended I changed my diet, and I recommended he try weight lifting. He’s clearly a soy boy beta that doesn’t do his own research.

It is perfectly healthy to challenge your own heart to work every day, that’s how it gets stronger. Every beat of my drum has a chunk of red meat smothered in coconut oil to contend with and that’s what will one day make me a champion.

One year later, my life has changed and shortened significantly. My left arm is numbing as I write this, but man, my biceps look good. My sight may be blurry but my vision for men everywhere is clear. Real men have the right to eat meat every single day, despite what experts advise. Rogan is right, and I will defend his opinion until the day I die, which according to that doctor could be any minute now.

Note from the editors: The author died of a heart attack shortly after this publication. He is survived by his protein bio-availability blog, kettlebells, and some Hunter S. Thompson books.

Report: Trapt Holding Tryouts for Racist With Drumming Experience

Posted on by Steve Esparra

LOS GATOS, Calif. — The remaining members of the outspoken nü-metal band Trapt are seeking an ill-informed bigot with cursory drumming ability to replace their recently departed drummer Mike Smith, sources close to the one-hit wonders confirmed.

“Fuck that little pansy, soy-boy pussy,” said Trapt frontman and human restraining order Chris Taylor Brown. “My band is looking for a badass, free-thinking individual who doesn’t believe what the lame-stream media tries to force-feed us. If there is one thing Trapt refuses to do, it’s regurgitate the same sound bite over and over. We need a drummer who stands up to tyranny, and advocates for stripping basic human rights from anyone who tries coming into my country illegally. We can teach a person to drum; we can’t teach them how to view the world correctly.”

Frank Hermitage, a drumming hopeful from nearby San Jose, is eager to try out for the band.

“Yeah, man… pretty sure I got what it takes. I played the cymbals in the middle school band, and I had ‘Rock Band’ on Xbox 360. More importantly, I’d be a great fit for the band personality-wise, because I have a lot in common with [Brown] and I laugh my ass off anytime he tweets,” said Hermitage, who recently lost all custodial privileges of his children. “When he was defending pedophilia and said that he peaked at 15, I felt that, because I peaked in high school, too. I’m going to be so nervous when I meet them — I hope I don’t say something stupid, like, ‘Obama was born in America.’ That would be mortifying.”

For his part, Smith, who has yet to find another band to play with, is wishing Trapt’s future drummer the best of luck.

“Look, you can either try to rival how much of an asshole Chris is — and eventually you two will either get in a fist fight or bang — or you can put your head down, beat the skins, and ignore everything that’s spewing out of his fucking moronic face in front of you, night after night, until you feel hollow and empty inside.” said a dead-behind-the-eyes Smith. “The sooner you swallow your pride, the sooner you’ll be playing in front of a handful of people at a strip club, fighting with the dancers for the loose change being thrown on stage.”

Interested parties looking to audition can reach out to the band via Parler, 4chan, or your local Klan chapter’s next meeting.

Guy Who Summarizes Pay-Walled Articles in the Comments Nominated for Pulitzer Prize

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

NEW YORK — The Pulitzer Prize Board announced nominations for the 2020 Pulitzer Prize in Public Service, including a surprise nomination for Reddit user johnnyjon66, known for providing summaries of paywalled articles in comments sections.

“While it is a bit unusual, we simply had to give a nod to one of the new heroes of the digital age,” said one member of the Pulitzer board. “We are proud to recognize johnnyjon66 for his outstanding efforts to promote journalistic accessibility via what we assume are accurate and concise summaries of the news.”

Thousands of users rely on his comments for the news of the day, but johnnyjon66 has not let his newfound notoriety go to his head.

“idk i just wanted upvotes,” johnnyjon66 explained via a post in his personal subreddit. “can they convert the prize to reddit gold? i don’t even sub to these papers i just use incognito mode.”

johnnyjon66’s work can be seen on posts from /r/news, /r/politics, /u/thewashingtonpost, and more, where his comments are usually near the top of the thread.

“As a Redditor, I know I’m much less susceptible to misinformation because I always check my sources,” said one Reddit user who had just given one of johnnyjon66’s comments a free Wholesome Award. “I checked this guy’s profile and he has a lot of karma so I know I can definitely trust him. Just think of all the time I saved by not giving the news any subscription money or ad revenue! Thanks, johnny!”

Many observers were disappointed that there was no nomination for the Reader Who Actually Reads Articles Before Sharing Them, who the Board shunned because they were “unable to prove they actually exist.”

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Conservative Pundits Fly False Flags at Half Mast in Honor of Rush Limbaugh

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Conservative talking heads across the country mourned the loss of Rush Limbaugh by reducing how many times they mentioned false flag operations on their respective shows.

“Rush was always a hero of mine. When I was a child I would listen to his show then debate the cool kids in school. They would always end up beating the crap out of me, but I know I helped them on a path to become free thinkers,” said de-platformed right-wing star, Alex Jones. “Today on my show I’m only going to dedicate one hour to how Antifa was behind the Capitol insurrection, and just a quick touch on new evidence that shows the supposed victims from Sandy Hook are currently on a championship soccer team. The rest of the show will be dedicated to some of Rush’s best observations about Hilary Clinton. I know it’s what he would have wanted.”

Long-time listeners to conservative talk radio are already beginning to question if Limbaugh is actually dead.

“Ok right, so today is February 17th, which is the same day that Thomas Seddal harvested 8.3-kg potato from his garden in Chester, England. You see where I’m going with this right? Rush isn’t dead at all, he’s simply infiltrating the monarchy,” said conspiracy theorist, Declan Hyde. “Once he has the information he needs, he’ll come back on the air and reveal all the MI6 documents on the Kennedys, the Clintons, and the Obamas, thus ensuring that Trump is re-elected as the rightful president. Just open your eyes man. Cancer was cured in 1945, and plus, Rush’s powerfully gigantic head would never allow those cells to infiltrate his lungs. He would never die from that.”

At press time, security at the Palm Beach hospital announced they would all be taking a break in one hour if anyone just happened to come by the hospital in order to spit on Limbaugh’s stiff yet bloated corpse.

Photo by Gage Skidmore.

Technically Proficient Guitarist Completely Inept in Every Other Aspect of Songwriting

Posted on by James Knapp

TAMPA, Fla. — Ronnie “The Neck” Garefino, the virtuoso guitarist for the speed metal band Fisting Frankenstein, is admittedly “totally clueless” when it comes to actually crafting songs and the music creation process as a whole, exasperated sources confirmed.

“I’ve spent more than a decade of my life working to become an absolute master of my instrument— every day I spend hours practicing my fingering, and writing riffs that would make Dimebag Darrell look like an amateur. But still, any time I try to put it all together into an actual song, I might as well be trying to perform open-heart surgery with a grapefruit spoon,” explained Garefino. “I can’t read sheet music, I have no rhythm, and I can barely rhyme. Even the idea of verse/chorus/verse perplexes me. Our frontman is a total moron, but somehow he gets it. Fuck.”

Fisting Frankenstein’s bassist Mary Hemseln elaborated on Garefino’s ineptitude.

“Ronnie’s a great guitarist, nobody’s disputing that. But I don’t know that I’ve ever met someone less equipped to build a coherent song. We literally have to point at him every time his solos happen because he doesn’t know when to come in,” Hemseln said while correcting Garefino’s work in GarageBand. “I really don’t even know how it’s possible that a person can be such a skilled musician, and yet they aren’t even able to string together a few verses. I’ve seen [Garefino] play in time signatures that don’t even exist yet, but the last time he tried to put it into a song, he somehow ended up accidentally disassembling his amp. And when we tried to ask him what happened, he just kept muttering, ‘The chorus’ over and over. It was horrifying.”

Songcraft expert Julien Casovalo clarified how technical ability does not always equal songwriting aptitude.

“When writing a full song, there are so many elements at play — from structure to instrumentation, to lyricism to cadence, writing any piece of music is a multi-faceted endeavor. Which is precisely why so many great guitarists suck at it,” Casovalo remarked while jotting down a list of words that rhyme with “verisimilitude.” “This is a lesson hard-learned by 16-year-olds at high school talent shows everywhere: just because you can solo for 30 minutes straight doesn’t make you a musician.”

At press time, Garefino had purchased “Songwriting For Dummies,” and subsequently realized he never learned how to read.

Guy Who Likes Explaining Stuff Really Having One Motherfucker of a Year

Posted on by Rick Homuth

ARVADA, Colo. — Local guy Nathan Thorpe is having an “absolute fucking banner” year, thanks to his penchant for explaining the details of fast-paced current events to anyone who will vaguely listen, exhausted sources report.

“Oh, man, last year started off really good, with Soleimani getting murked and the Australian wildfires and everything… but I was kinda disappointed when I heard about the vaccine rollouts towards the end,” Thorpe said, gesticulating wildly to accent his speech. “But now? Boy, between the Capitol mob and the GameStop craze, I’m thinking this might be an even crazier and more difficult-to-parse year, which is really cool to think about. Well, aside from the, y’know, entropic decay of our society and the planet as a whole. I can get into it if you want — it’s pretty complex but actually surprisingly simple, which I can also explain.”

Those close to Thorpe exasperatedly detailed his commitment to explaining any and all current events to the people in his life at the slightest indication they were in any way confused.

“Oh, geez… yeah, Nate’s a real asset in the times we live in,” roommate Clyde Parsons said. “On one hand, I sorta wish I was the kind of guy who could stick his head in the sand some days and just focus on myself. On the other hand, I guess I’m better off knowing, in explicit detail, what all of Elon Musk’s cryptocurrency meme tweets mean.”

However, others in Thorpe’s life, particularly coworkers, are not impressed.

“That little asshole has been walking around with a stiff dick and a shit-eating grin ever since someone first asked him what the Panama Papers were,” said Isabella Obermayer, Thorpe’s fellow sales associate teammate. “It’s literally like he gets off on breaking down complex situations in the news. Yeah, sure, maybe I’m being hard on him, but maybe I’m a little bitter about not really getting whatever fuck is going on in Yemen. If I hear him say he wants to ‘unpack’ something one more time, I’m punching him in the face.”

Thorpe was last seen raising his hand during a Zoom conference after hearing a remark from a coworker about MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell’s new election fraud documentary.

5 Backwards Hats That Say, “Relax Baby, Everybody Has HPV”

Posted on by Josh Klasco

Hey Bro! Nice chin goatee. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get down to business. We know that, as a puss-crushing smash machine, you don’t wanna waste any time on the journey to gettin’ that nut.

Superfluous bullshit like foreplay, last names, and conversations about STIs just get in the way of efficient donging. Check out these five backward hats that’ll immediately let her know exactly what kind of man you are.

Off-White Dad Hat– Are you an adult man who dresses like a toddler because you’re pretty sure Mac DeMarco would think it’s cool? If so, this is the backward hat for you! This backward hat goes great with a pair of Sperrys and an attitude that says, “It’s cool, my dad knows the judge.”

Red Yankees Ballcap – Have you ever wanted to wear something that immediately conjures up the image of both Donald Trump and Fred Durst? We thought so! This backward hat is a great way to tell her, “You won’t catch anything from me that you wouldn’t catch from sitting naked on a rollercoaster.”

Kangol – Here’s a hat for the guy who likes to express everything about himself except pertinent medical records. Pair it with a Thrasher hoodie to show her there’s no need to exchange phone numbers.

Yankees Fitted – Nothing says, “Yeah I just got tested, wink wink,” like a Yankees fitted worn backward 24/7. You’ll want to grip this sick fitted so she knows your shit slaps, deadass.

Mountain Dew Promotional Snapback – This is a twofer. It says “MTN DEW doesn’t sponsor my pickup but eventually they will.” More importantly, it gives off the vibe that fucking me will be like fucking an abyss of soulless abandon, which is good because that’s a few notches above how good it’ll actually be.

Jean Jacket Doubling As Winter Coat, Tripling As Personality

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

CHICAGO — Local metalhead Seth Drury’s insistence on wearing a well-worn jean jacket as his primary source of warmth and personality during the current Arctic blast is causing great concern with friends and family, those close to the simple man confirmed.

“Everyone needs to calm down. The Death patch on the back blocks the wind, and my ‘Night of the Living Dead’ enamel pins keep the snow off of my chest,” said Drury without realizing hypothermia was setting in while he waited for a bus. “How else am I supposed to make everyone in eyesight know about my affinity for death metal and horror films? It’s so warm, I’m thinking of cutting the sleeves off and turning it into a vest to wear year-round.”

Girlfriend Danielle Griffey is extremely concerned for Drury, as forecasted temperatures in the city dip well below freezing.

“When we first got together, he was the lead guitar player in his band Ghost Boat,” said Griffey while shopping for a thermal-lined hooded sweatshirt she hopes Drury will wear under the jean jacket. “Six months after we started dating, the band did a Canadian tour during the winter, and by the time Seth got back, he became their singer by default because three fingers on his fret hand were removed due to frostbite after he refused to wear gloves. He’ll freeze to death walking our dog if he doesn’t wear something warmer than a jacket Dave Mustaine signed with a Sharpie four years ago.”

Registered therapist and heavy music expert Stephen Howell noted this behavior is most likely the result of insecurity.

“Many people would rather freeze their nuts off looking kvlt AF than stay dry and comfortable in a down jacket or parka,” said Howell. “Usually, this stubborn rigidity is reserved for eighth grade boys pretending to like cigarettes, or people in their 30s who spend most of their time on Tiktok. Seth’s only option is to drink as much malört as humanly possible and limit time outdoors if he wants to survive a Midwest winter wearing denim and Judas Priest buttons.”

Drury was last seen holding his feet over a trash fire to thaw his 17-year-old white high-top Reeboks that froze into giant ice blocks within 10 minutes of being outside.

Fans Rage After Learning Post Malone’s Pokémon Concert Won’t Contain All His Songs

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

REDMOND, Wash. — The Pokémon Company has stirred controversy after revealing the upcoming concert celebrating the franchise’s 25th Anniversary will not contain every song Post Malone has ever recorded.

“We’re extremely excited to have Post Malone join us in celebrating 25 years of Pokémon with this event,” said a statement from The Pokémon Company. “However his music catalog has grown significantly over the years and it’d be too hard to try and fit them all into this one 2 hour product. We hope our fans will understand. Hopefully, through various DLC add-ons, we can eventually get more of Post Malone’s songs into the Pokémon world in months to come.”

This announcement angered many longtime fans who were already slighted by what they feel is a lack of effort from the company.

“This is such a scam!!! Pokémon is the biggest media franchise in the world, so what gives?!” Twitter user @SergeantStellar said. “It’s ridiculous that Gamefreak thinks they can get away with anything less than all of his old songs re-recorded live, an album’s worth of new stuff, and the Battle Frontier returning!”

“They can claim this is for quality purposes all they like, but Post Malone looks like shit. If you zoom all the way in on his tattoos, they look like they belong in a PS2 game.” YouTuber ConfusedCrocanaw said in a video reacting to the announcement. “I hadn’t heard of Post Malone before all of this nonsense, but I’ve looked him up, and I’ll be boycotting the event if it doesn’t include Sugar Wraith, Ball For Me, or Sandshrew.”

When asked to comment on the issue, series producer Junichi Masuda said he was unfazed by the response.

“I get more death threats than actual dictators because I decided our developers seeing their kids was more important than making an HD model for Tynamo. Could you even tell me what that one is without looking it up? It’s some fucking eel we came up with in 10 minutes,” Masuda said. “Everyone ends up listening to the same six Post Malone songs anyway. It’s not like we’re cutting Sunflower or Circles.”

At press time, The Pokémon Company made an effort to appease longtime fans of the franchise by closing their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears, and pretending the complaints would just go away.

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