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I Took Joe Rogan’s Diet Advice and Now I’m an Alpha Male With Heart Disease

Joe Rogan is my hero. He’s a real man’s man, and that’s what I aim to be. For the past year, I’ve taken his diet advice, and have consumed nothing but red meat every single day. Now men everywhere want to be me ― even my own doctor won’t stop calling me.

The beginning of my diet change was tough, but the results were instant. Rogan recommends I kill my food with my own bare hands, but unfortunately, I live in Los Angeles and that’s looked down upon here. He’s right, this place fucking sucks.

I considered skinning my roommate’s cat but did the next best thing instead: I hunted for it… and by that I mean I purchased prepackaged steak at my local Whole Foods. I could instantly feel the masculinity enter my body as I scoffed at the items in other people’s shopping carts. Tofu? Ha! Cucks.

Six months in and I was already diagnosed with heart disease. My doctor put me on high blood pressure medication. I told him not to worry, I am already red-pilled. I assured him my shortness of breath and sharp chest pain is just part of being a full-fledged alpha male. He recommended I changed my diet, and I recommended he try weight lifting. He’s clearly a soy boy beta that doesn’t do his own research.

It is perfectly healthy to challenge your own heart to work every day, that’s how it gets stronger. Every beat of my drum has a chunk of red meat smothered in coconut oil to contend with and that’s what will one day make me a champion.

One year later, my life has changed and shortened significantly. My left arm is numbing as I write this, but man, my biceps look good. My sight may be blurry but my vision for men everywhere is clear. Real men have the right to eat meat every single day, despite what experts advise. Rogan is right, and I will defend his opinion until the day I die, which according to that doctor could be any minute now.

Note from the editors: The author died of a heart attack shortly after this publication. He is survived by his protein bio-availability blog, kettlebells, and some Hunter S. Thompson books.