Let’s get this straight right off the bat: Nu Metal fucking rules. Also, it’s “Nu” and not “n” followed by the motley crue letter. And no, I’m not gonna type that weird ”u” either. Or even use capital letters. Because that shit is old metal. The metal we’re talking about today is “Nu.”
Many people have music dedicated to certain moods or experiences. They may have a workout playlist or a rainy-day mix. For me, Nu Metal is the perfect soundtrack for when your normie parents provoke your righteous anger by doing something egregious like refusing to buy you a CD with a parental advisory sticker, forbidding you from piercing your eyebrow or hemming your JNCOs.
Are you pissed at your parents? Of course you are! So let’s crank up those speakers and show Mom and Dad who’s boss. Listen along with the playlist, click here.
50. Faith No More “Epic”
While “Epic” may sound the least “Nu” of all the songs on this list (which is exactly why it’s at the bottom), it’s the Godfather of the genre and deserves a place on any Nu Metal list. The song came out in 1989 and combined funk bass with metal guitar years before anyone asked if we were ready. It sounds primitive compared to the rest of this list, but it’ll still get the job done if you’re mad at your folks for something small like docking your allowance when you almost have enough cash to buy a bigger chain for your wallet.
49. Nonpoint “Bullet With a Name”
This is one of the weightier songs in the Nu Metal genre, lyrically speaking. It’s a bit too mature for a situation like this. We can still get hyped up to it because as the saying goes, “All Nu Metal, is real metal.”
48. Kittie “Brackish”
I didn’t expect to like this band at first since I’m more of a dog person. But it turns out you can like cats and still write anthems perfect for disobeying your parental units. Like a lot of the songs on this list, “Brackish” has moments of aggressive intensity that pair perfectly with task avoidance-based temper tantrums.
47. Taproot “Poem”
Listen to this song and tap into the root of your anger: your dickhead parents. Taproot provides the perfect soundtrack to punching a hole in the drywall of the minimum security prison they have the nerve to call a “home.” That’ll teach ‘em for shopping at Walmart buying you the edited version of this record.
46. (Hed) PE “Bartender”
(Hed) PE is one of the most underrated Nu Metal bands of their era, and I’m not just saying that because they were technically the first band I ever saw live. On that show, they were opening for Papa Roach, who are rated exactly where they should be. Anyway, Hed Physical Education’s song “Bartender” is badass and all, but it’s better for when you practice French kissing in the mirror, not when you’re mad at your Mom and your (hopefully step) Dad.
45. Zug Izland “Everything”
Okay, so here’s how this happened. Violent J from ICP wanted a rock band on Psychopathic Records. He essentially tried to make a Nu Metal album with his producer so they hired a group of musicians to be “Zug Izland.” They released their first album at it was clear that Violent J had only ever listened to Staind. The label dropped the band but the band kept going! And they clearly had a better sense of their genre than the original creators of the project because “Everything” is an actual Nu Metal song. That said, this song still isn’t great.
44. The Urge “Played Out”
The Urge is an alternative rock/ska band mostly, but they incorporated a ton of Nu Metal over the years. Listen to this riff and tell me Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)” didn’t learn a thing or two from it. Just like how if you listen to my parents they’ll tell you I can’t come out of my room until I apologize for cussing in front of grandma.
43. Incubus “A Certain Shade of Green”
Normally, Incubus would be the band you listen to when you’re trying to relax after a long day of rollerblading. But not today. Today, Mom and Dad have the misfortune of dealing with my dark side so “A Certain Shade of Green” will have to do. Ironically, this is a great song to smoke to, but the reason we don’t have our weed is the same reason we’re mad at Mom and Dad right now.
42. Ded “Anti-Everything”
This song encapsulates everything I feel about my surroundings. I am anti EVERYTHING in my life. Anti-homework. Anti-vegetables. Anti-getting in trouble for saying sweet cuss words that I know adults say to each other all the dang time. Ded nails it on this one. Very relatable stuff.
41. Dope “Die MF Die”
Don’t let the censored title fool you, Dope definitely says the f-word in this one. And we definitely said that word a lot after getting sent to our room. Just as soon as the door was closed and we heard Dad turn the TV back on. Listening to this song while feeling this intensely almost makes having to attend 7th grade worth it.
40. Trapt “Headstrong”
“Headstrong” is a song for getting in tune with your more sensitive emotions. For instance, it’s a great listen after breaking up with your long-term girlfriend of two weeks. But it’ll do in a pinch when you’re stuck in your room until Mom and Dad get over themselves. They should realize that grounding causes emotional trauma, which lasts forever. The fire we set on the lawn is almost out. Not exactly a proportional punishment, is it?
39. Mushroomhead “Qwerty”
This song is a bit too “theatrical” for me. I’m not a big fan of drama.
38. Orgy “Fiction (Dreams in Digital)”
At a certain point in every tantrum you tend to get introspective. You can put this on and contemplate your situation and your future. Will you break some stuff? Will you run away? Will you communicate your feelings in a civilized way that can mend this situation with ease? All questions you won’t find the answer to before the chorus kicks in and it’s time to rage once more.
37. Cold “Just Got Wicked”
My buddy Ryan told me this song was actually about… ya know, “doin’ it.” But that’s gross. It’s totally about a chill guy who was pushed too far by society and if I don’t get to go play outside in the next 10 minutes, I’m about to come with the wicked.
36. 36 Crazyfists “Bloodwork”
It goes without saying there is nothing more exhilarating than a snare so tight you could hang yourself with it. That’s a basic tenet of Nu Metal. 36 Crazyfists live up to their name and so will I if my brother knocks on the door again to make fun of me for being grounded.
35. Mudvayne “Dig”
It really sucks when people say Nu Metal is “gimmicky.” Especially when you have bands like Mudvayne out here expressing real, raw emotion and making a definitive statement. Granted, that statement is “Look at me! Look at MEEEE,” but it is very relatable during this time in my life.
34. Spineshank “New Disease”
I only have this one on a burned CD because Dad wouldn’t let me get it when we went to Best Buy. He saw the band name and got scared because he knew the monster it would turn me into. But this monster cannot be caged. Emotionally speaking, that is, as I am currently not allowed to leave my room.
33. Machine Head “Davidian”
Machine Head? More like machine drummer! Have you heard that dude pound the skins?! Anyway, our older brother said this song is too good to be considered Nu Metal. But whatever, he’s not the boss of me either. This song does make us want to do those cartwheelie dance moves though.
32. Ill Niño “What Comes Around”
This one gets us crazy emotional. Just listen to the lyrics. Until you’ve delved into Nu Metal, you can’t fathom how deep dudes with lip piercings can be.
31. E. Town Concrete “Mandibles”
This song is actually too aggressive for me. I want to make the world feel my pain and all, but I don’t wanna hurt anybody. I feel like listening to this song too many times will end in tragedy when several cars are keyed in my school’s parking lot. You gotta be careful with this stuff.
30. Evanescence “Bring Me To Life”
If you haven’t heard any songs on this list so far, here’s one to help you normies get inside the twisted, sick mind of a Nu Metal fan. Hopefully this song can wake the sheeple up to the reality all around them. The reality that Nu Metal is a legitimate genre and people should stop making fun of my platform boots.
29. Staind “Outside”
We’re gonna slow it down with this one. Despite their edgy beginnings, Staind managed to come into their iconic butt-rock sound with “Outside.” This one is great for singing along to when you’re all out of energy from one tantrum and you need to cool down while summoning more angst to fuel the next one.
28. Coal Chamber “Loco”
Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly “loco”—like when miss a UFO grind and bash my shins—that’s when it’s time to break out the Coal Chamber. I wanted to get hair like the singer but my mom wouldn’t let me. She says it’s too expensive to get that many dye jobs in one trip to the salon. She did say she’d take me though since I’m getting a little shaggy in the back.
27. Sevendust “Denial”
Whoever figured out that flanger guitar is perfect for Nu Metal intros is a genius. Probably Wes Borland since he’s the only Nu Metal genius. Either way, this song encompasses both my feelings of rage and my sense of superiority towards the world around me. The world can disagree, but it’s just in denial.
26. Snot “Snot”
There is literally nothing cooler than a band naming a song after themselves. Except for maybe when they drop their band name in the song like a rapper. Fortunately, “Snot” by Snot has both in spades. This song is perfect for the part of the tantrum where you get a little dizzy from all the yelling and poster-ripping and everything feels like pure chaos.
The trouble with OM’s fourth album, “God is Good” isn’t that it’s bad. It’s far from it. The trouble is that it feels like a step backward creatively. Which is too bad really, because this album marks the debut of Emil Amos as the group’s new drummer. There is a lot going on here, with the droning, desert-like opening to “Thebes” sounding like a call to worship, and “Cremation Ghat I” adding in elements of funk-bass playing, but ultimately, it feels like the band became too scared after the intensity of their previous album and stepped back into a comfort zone. Like a homeschooled kid who’s tried public school for a year and demanded his Mom pull him back out of it.
OM’s third album and the last one to feature the classic Cisneros/Hakius line-up, there’s something deeply interesting about “Pilgrimage” as a sort of bridge album. The songs are shorter. One of them is even (gasp) under five minutes. Which is going at Bad Brains adjacent speeds by doom metal standards. And yet, for the increased energy and intensity, there’s something really pleasant and enjoyable about this album. It makes you wanna get up and spasm the night away on the dance floor.
OM’s debut album does one thing exceptionally well: It announces itself in spectacular fashion. From the abrasive opening to “On the Mountain at Dawn,” to the trashing, angry lawn-mower-like bass playing of Al Cisneros, to the over 20-minute long opening track. It’s easy to tell what this band is about right from the jump. And there’s something really spectacular about that. This is also the record metal fans will likely find themselves most drawn to, with more precise vocals and songs about priestesses and blue stone moons, the whole thing plays like a game of “Dungeons and Dragons” played in the midst of a DayQuil overdose.
Oh. Hell. Yes. They’re pulling out all the stops for this one: Religious chanting? Check. Lush and engaging production design? Check. Singing in Sanskrit? Check please, waiter. There’s a fly in my soup and I want it comped, ASAP. Once you see the scowling John the Baptist cover art, you know you’re in for a treat. “Advaitic Songs” is definitely the sound one would probably expect when hearing that OM is a doom metal/stoner metal outfit that plays songs that are widely indebted to Middle Eastern religion and philosophy. And that’s just wonderful. Give the people what they want, says I.
If the word “sophomore” means “wise fool,” then is not the greatest fool the fool that unwisely thrones himself as wise and yet dubs the wise foolish? I say it shall! In any case, OM’s sophomore record, “Conference of the Birds” is unquestionably the group’s masterpiece. Truly with this one OM succeeded in creating the score to an unmade Kenneth Anger film. With just two songs (both clocking in at over 15 minutes long), there is definitely a limited menu here. And yet, just like at a trendy restaurant, a limited menu is actually part of the charm here. But with the droning drums of Chris Hakius and the hypnotic bass and hushed vocals of Al Cisneros, it’s more than enough.
“Masters of the Universe” did a bang-up job tying our budding sexual desires to various human/animal hybrid creatures, but the spider guy just never grabbed us. Too spidery!
Even as children with zero carnal knowledge, we knew that sex and anything called “Trap Jaw” just didn’t mix.
Skeletor’s pet attack falcon is possibly the least sexy bird creature on Eternia, and that’s coming from someone who is strongly, inexplicably aroused by “Masters of the Universe” bird creatures.
Man-E-Faces was a villain turned hero with the ability to, you guessed it, change his face. His amazing power to have the face of a human, a robot, or a monster allowed him to uh… do that. Yeah, pretty pointless at the end of the day, and not very sexy. He couldn’t even use all three faces at the same time! If he could do that then oh hell yeah, let’s talk, but nah.
Cringer is Prince Adam’s pet cuck, I mean cat. Frankly, we prefer him in his Battle Cat form. Without the Power of Grayskull Cringer is a total bottom.
Sometimes we would hold our Two Bad action figure and meditate on the duality of human nature, and what this innate duplicitousness meant to our cusping sexual identity. Other times we would think to ourselves “Hey, why am I thinking about this shit? I’m 9.”
Though sort of a minor character in the cartoon, the Modulock action figure was cool as hell because it came with over 20 interlocking pieces. The idea was that since his body was amorphous, you could mix and match the pieces to create your own unique version of Modulok every time you played with him. No matter how many different combos we tried, they always seemed to look like genitals.
Spikor planted the seed that Pinhead grew into the sapling that would one day become the tree of us spending $900 on a spiked pleather onesie marketed as “Daddy Pain.”
Kobra Khan was often partnered up with Webstor, and it’s easy to see who got all the sex appeal in that duo. To this day his calculating sinisterness, snake accent, and ability to produce knockout spray from his mouth still arouse the darkest recesses of our fantasies.
Whiplash quickly rose through the ranks of Skeletor’s crew, and it’s not hard to see why. With his take-charge attitude, powerful phallic tail, and a head that resembled our mean neighbor Frank, Whiplash really projected authority. Plus his design kinda makes him look like he’s always wearing a tank top and briefs. Sir yes sir!
There was just something about the feel of his toy’s velvety purple skin that seemed to activate something in us like it was opening the door to a whole spectrum of possibilities both terrifying and tantalizing.
One man with the power of 3 cyclopses? We would be powerless to stop this brute… not that we would want to!
Come on, all of the inherent eroticism of merpeople coupled with the fact that he has legs and therefore presumably genitals? You can’t tell us this guy doesn’t pique your curiosity. Admit it, you wanna know what he’s working with down there.
It’s the veil, it’s just so alluring. You can’t help but wonder what she’s working with under that thing. Probably a black faceless void, same as all Trollans, but still!
Mekaneck was a master spy because of his ability to extend his neck by several feet. If you were a bad guy up to no good several feet above Meganeck, he knew the score. See cause he has this helmet head, and that head extends up by the metal shaft in his neck anytime he gets curious or excited about something. Like maybe he hears a bad guy, or a crime happening, or his “aunt” who was actually just his mom’s best friend so isn’t really his aunt is wearing pantyhose smoking a cigarette with her legs crossed, or like WHATEVER! Anyway, there was something about owning the Meganeck toy that just made us feel confident.
Even as kids we knew having a prurient interest in Eternia’s most powerful villain was wrong, but that’s what made it so irresistible. Sure he’s a living skeleton, but this skeleton is jacked as fuck. Skeletor’s plans always revolved around “getting” people. He would be like “We’ll lure He-man somewhere under false pretenses, and then, we’ll GET HIM!” What happens after he gets someone? The show leaves it up to the viewer’s imagination, and that’s what makes it so erotic.
When it came to giving kids confusing feelings about human/beast hybrids, the Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” will always reign supreme, but for old-school kids who were too cool for Disney, there was Beast Man. Are you seriously going to try to convince us this character didn’t have a sexual undertone when his action figure literally came with a whip AND dat ass? Mattel knows what they’re doing.
Cringer is a pathetic worm of a cat, but when he is imbued with the Power of Grayskull and puts on some bondage gear he becomes the ferocious Battle Cat. At a young age Battle Cat instilled us with the notion that the right gear could make us feel powerful.
We gotta spell it out for you? Dudes name is “Buzz-off!”
