The members of Mastodon look like they smell pretty bad. In the world of sludgy prog metal, this is a good thing. You don’t want a bunch of daily showerin’ tools with 401(k)s attempting to send you into the depths of mountain tombs with crunchy guitars and bellowing lyrics of doom. You want dudes who sweat Shiner Bock and leave an oily residue on everything they touch. Mastodon has delivered the stank for over two decades now. So please hold your nose while we rank one of the biggest bands in metal this side of Y2K.
8. Hushed & Grim (2021)
Just like how I’m never going to watch a movie longer than 2.5 hours (fuck you Avatar), I don’t want to hunker down with an hour plus of any album no matter how good it is. And thus lies the biggest issue with Mastodon’s most recent album “Hushed & Grim.” This fucker comes in at a whopping 86 minutes long. That’s too long. In fact, it’s so long that I’ve never once made it to the end. I tried! But I keep getting distracted by Farmville. Am I the only one still playing Farmville?
Play It Again: “More Than I Could Chew” because I’m a sucker for Mellotron
Skip It: “Dagger”
7. Once More ‘Round the Sun (2014)
To my ears, “Once More ‘Round the Sun” is Mastodon’s poppiest attempt at a wider popularity (save for the single “Show Yourself” to come later in 2017). But keep in mind that my ears are barely functional after years of sonic abuse, so maybe I’m way off base here. A listenable but somewhat unmemorable experience, this 2014 LP is a solid half-hour shorter than “Hushed & Grim,” so I have to give it the edge.
Play It Again: “The Motherload”
Skip It: “Asleep in the Deep”
6. The Hunter (2011)
There’s nothing wrong with “The Hunter,” per se. But compared to the other albums on this list, it has a far less distinct identity. It’s a proper album with the feel of a B-sides collection. There are some decent songs here though. And the artwork is cool as fuck though. How many jaws does that thing have? Can it even close its mouth? I’m confused and scared.
Play It Again: “Spectrelight”
Skip It: “The Hunter”
5. Emperor of Sand (2017)
Maybe their most accessible album, “Emperor of Sand” distills Mastodon’s essence into a batch of kickass prog metal bangers. I mean “accessible” as a compliment here; I could listen to this album three times a day for months on end and never get sick of it. Give this album to every niece and nephew of yours when they turn 12; they’ll thank you in later decades for saving them from a life of shit music.
Play It Again: “Ancient Kingdom”
Skip It: “Show Yourself” feels like a blatant attempt to get played on KISS FM (which worked)
4. Blood Mountain (2006)
2006’s “Blood Mountain” sees Mastodon exploring the limits of combining their filthy metal sound with math-rock tendencies, and they succeed with impressive aplomb. Bet you didn’t think you were going to read the word “aplomb” today, well guess what? I used that word a lot now because I learned it in my court ordered anger management class. Guitarists Bill Kelliher and Brent Hinds intertwine their guitar lines in dizzying, intricate patterns. I do wonder what would happen if they continued down this path; maybe it would end in a mathy/reggae/deathcore fusion LP? But they went prog so I guess we’ll never know.
Play It Again: I need a cigarette after the middle section of “Capillarian Crest”
Skip It: “This Mortal Soil”
3. Remission (2002)
“Fuck yeah.” That’s what I say anytime I listen to this album. I don’t care if I’m sitting at my computer by myself or relaxing in the ballpit of a Chuck E. Cheese with my headphones on giving spoiled little kids the finger. Mastodon’s debut album has a youthful hardcore energy which would dissipate on subsequent albums. Bonus points must be awarded to “Crusher Destroyer” which has been scientifically proven to have the best name for a metal song ever.
Play It Again: “Mother Puncher”
Skip It: “Trilobite”
Honorable Mention: Call of the Mastodon (2006)
Apparently the band considers this compilation of re-recorded demos to be their first album. I didn’t know that before beginning to write this list so I’m listening to it at this very moment. It kicks all kinds of ass very similarly to “Remission,” so I’m just going to tie both of these for third place.
Play It Again: “Deep Sea Creature” (goddamn this band loves fish)
Skip It: “Thank You For This”
2. Crack the Skye (2009)
Not only one of Mastodon’s defining statements, but one of the best works of progressive metal ever, 2009’s “Crack the Skye” is everything Dream Theater wishes they could be (i.e. cool). The album contains wacky stories of magic and ghosts and Rasputin. But they never lose sight of the goal; to still bash you over the head with sick metal riffs and great songwriting. Bassist Troy Saunders’ full-throated roars pepper the songs with memorable hooks. The fact that this isn’t Mastodon’s number one album really says something.
Play It Again: “Oblivion”
Skip It: we’re not skipping anything from here on out
1. Leviathan (2004)
I never read “Moby-Dick.” I’m never going to read “Moby-Dick” because I think Herman Melville has a dorky name. But I’ve listened to Mastodon’s crowning achievement “Leviathan” like 200 times, so like, I get it. I bet this album is a better artistic experience than the book anyways. The dark guitars twist and wind into the depths of the sea with no light or hope. The bass provides an ever-shifting foundation of sediment for the band to float on. Drummer Brann Dailor pummels the drums without ever relying on a single stock drum beat. Hang this in the Louvre but also keep a copy in the car for fighting that guy who cut you off at the stoplight.
Play It Again: Yep
Skip It: see previous Skip It entry, dipshit