PHILADELPHIA– A group of local concertgoers in their late 30s were spotted this past weekend excitedly passing around a little baggie of ear plugs they snuck in, sources high off breaking the rules report.
“It was a rush to sneak them past security, man. Last time I had to tape them to my inner thigh,” said Brennan Heard, whose idea it was to bring the auditory protection. “When the band started on their second song, I pulled the small plastic ziplock baggie out and said ‘boys, I hope you’re ready for an intense night of hearing conservation.’ The guy I bought them from has reputable sources, so I knew they’d be the good stuff. All of us took a pair and passed it down the row and I gotta say, what a difference they made to the overall experience. Transcendental, dude.”
Members of co-headlining band Critical Shit were quick to notice the group of friends passing around the bag of goods.
“In our early years, fans would sneak in party drugs and talk about staying up all night. Now they bring those expensive fancy ear plugs and brag about how they’re gonna fall asleep the second their head touches the pillow,” explained bassist Ken Patterson. “They must have had some plugs left over, because I caught them trading with another group for a bottle of Tums at one point. We’ve noticed some other aging fan paraphernalia as well. Last week, some lady was caught with a flask full of herbal tea. And half the balcony is eating porcini mushrooms instead of magic ones tonight. You don’t want to be out on an empty stomach, I suppose.”
The venue’s management supports the growing interest in hearing protection.
“I can sympathize with this crowd, because I remember what it was like to be older than I was when I was younger. Sometimes it feels like I’m still getting older to this day,” says boomer Helen Novak. “Fans are starting to realize that taking drugs and getting drunk are not as ‘hip’ or ‘funky-fresh’ as they used to be. I think people are beginning to understand that things like not going deaf are actually really ‘cool’ and ‘rad.’ I remind each individual I see to stretch between songs and perform vocal warmups before they sing along to anything so as not to place strain on their voices.”
At press time, Heard was caught in a bathroom stall snorting Flonase Allergy Relief Nasal Spray.