Have you ever been pushing around on a regular skateboard and thought, “I wish I could eliminate all sex appeal from skating while maintaining the risk of grave physical injury?” Well, you might want to read on because we risked being seen with electric skateboarder, James Baumber, to find out why he chose this lifestyle over sex.
The Hard Times: Thanks for sitting down with us. Did someone give you the wrong time? You’re two hours early.
James Baumer: No, the Evolve V3 all-terrain e-board gets me from point A to point B pretty quickly. Sometimes too quickly.
How fast were you going? There are a bunch of bugs splattered on your wrap-around sunglasses.
She goes about 40 mph, but if I add a second motor I can probably get her up to 42.
Cool. Some people feel skating is as much an art form as it is a sport. Do you feel electric skateboards cheapen skate culture?
If skating on wheels that look like they belong on a Hasbro Tonka truck cheapens the scene, then yeah, lock me up. If getting to CVS in two minutes flat with the wind in my hair and not a single solitary woman glancing in my direction cheapens the “culture,” I’m guilty as charged. Just because it has the maneuverability of a kayak doesn’t mean it lacks the capabilities of a classic board.
If you possess the qualities that allow a person to skate, like balance and fearlessness, why don’t you just ride a regular skateboard and get laid?
What do you mean? I literally do IT all the time.
What do you mean by “it?”
You know, S-E-X. Honk her boobs, kiss the top of her head where her hair parts. Blow on the clitoris. All the normal stuff sex-having guys like me do.
When was the last time you had sex?
This morning.
What’s her name?
George Glass.
We ended the interview there as it was getting too sad. Not only was Mr. Baumber the least sexually appealing person on Earth at this point, but his fictional partner was a gender-swapped 50-year-old reference, making it likely that he doesn’t interact with anyone at all.