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Man at Bar Whose Pickup Line Actually Worked Has Literally No Idea What Happens Next

SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local NFT enthusiast Harris Woods was dumbstruck at a Chili’s on Saturday night when after years of being shot down, his pickup line actually worked, confirmed multiple bystanders.

“I went with the old standby of ‘everyone says dating is a numbers game, so can I have yours? and I was just about to rip a huge fart to leave her with as soon as she gave me the cold shoulder, but she did something I’ve never seen before,” said the 32-year-old. “Instead of telling me to ‘fuck off’ like a normal woman, she just laughed, shrugged, and said ‘sure.’ There I am, with a fart chambered and ready to go and I was caught a little flatfooted. What kind of mind game is she playing? I mean, this is where I normally would call her ugly and say I didn’t actually want her number anyway, but she threw me such a curveball. I wasn’t prepared.”

Vanessa Palmer, the woman who caught the attention of Woods, admitted she was open to hearing what else he had to say.

“He’s kinda cute and the pick-up line was so bad it actually made me laugh so I figured it was worth a shot,” said Palmer. “But then he just started sweating, licking his lips, and quietly singing DJ Khaled’s ‘All I Do is Win.’ I get it, it’s intimidating out there these days. But when I asked to see his phone to put in my number, he slapped my hand away and accused me of trying to steal his identity. Eventually, he just walked back to his friends and tried to high-five them. It seemed like they had to explain to him that our interaction wasn’t over. But when he came back, he just kinda looked at his feet, and mumbled something about the newest ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ movie being too woke.”

Head of Sociology at UConn, Lee Hernandez says this is becoming more and more common.

“We’re seeing lots of guys like Harris spend thousands of dollars at Pickup Artist seminars, but none of those seminars tell you what to do if it goes well. This is likely due to the fact that anyone who calls themself a ‘Pickup Artist’ has never actually had sex. Or gotten to second base,” said Hernandez. “In fact studies have shown that a surprising amount of straight-identified men in the US think that sex is just explaining to a woman how much of a genius Christopher Nolan is.”

At press time, Palmer had moved on and Woods was seen Googling “How does one lay pipe?”