MOORE, Ok. – The country music world was saddened today by the news that country star Toby Keith lost his battle with cancer, a passing that his family mourned as their “own personal 9/11, except we can’t make money from it,” sources confirmed.
“This is exactly how we all felt on September 11th, 2001 but this time my father won’t be around to profit from it,” said Krystal Keith, Toby Keith’s unfortunately named daughter. “I remember seeing my dad all sad on that day. I went over to hug him and he was already drafting lyrics telling his fans to join the military. That was Dad, always working to exploit a tragedy for personal gain. I just wish we had a few more years of his music so he could write more beautiful songs about bombing the Middle East and showing off America’s beautiful military might. I miss him so much.”
Fans of the country superstar also shared their grief over the singer’s death.
“His music is what inspired me to join the Marines,” said Keith superfan Artie Wood. “After 9/11 it felt like I was sleepwalking through life. Then I heard ‘Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue’ and I knew it was my civic duty to go to help blow Iraq off the map. What I really respected about Toby was his ability to capture the grief of a nation and turn it into a multi-platinum-selling album. I feel terrible for his family. Having to go through this nightmare and not even making a hit single out of it is the greatest calamity of all.”
Prominent music historians have already started classifying Keith as the first of a new wave of country artists who bravely forewent subtlety or cleverness.
“Nothing scares modern country fans more than nuance,” said music history professor Dr. Sandra Goodwin. “This led to Keith becoming enormously successful with his songs about beer, trucks, and incorrectly gathered information about weapons of mass destruction. Keith gave the American people comfort that America was universally good and any questioning of it was treasonous. He did this, as I understand, out of the goodness of his heart and a boylike desire for immense profit. I’m just sad he died before he could write more popular songs about branded products.”
At press time, the Keith family realized they could probably clear a couple million by selling Toby Keith-branded Red Solo Cups.