SALT LAKE CITY— Local band The Collective’s ambitious attempt at creating a groundbreaking concept album about a humanoid race of people bringing joy and love to Earth accidentally resulted in the perfect soundtrack for the newest Kia Sorento, commercial reps confirmed.
“This album is an amalgamation of all of our previous work, a true reflection of our deepest emotions and creative journey,” said lead guitarist Jake Thornfield, “We wanted to create a rich and complex listening experience, and I think we did that. Unfortunately, nobody really listened to the album, we actually thought Spotify might have been glitching because of how low our numbers were. But then Kia called and they changed everything. We realized that our music was so much more, it was also a place to let people know Kia is the highest-ranked mass-market brand in initial quality, four years in a row. That’s impressive.”
Chad Burns, executive marketer of Kia Motors, says he couldn’t contain his excitement when he heard the new album.
“When we first contacted the band they almost seemed insulted that we wanted their music. They kept saying their work was an ‘experimental odyssey’ that pushes boundaries and defies conventions. But what I found interesting was how universal and, dare I say, inoffensive the sound is. Perfect for pushing Sorrentos,” said Burns. “ I almost feel bad, they think their music is really profound and has the power to change the world, but I guess the good news is they’re gonna make a fuckload of money off this.”
Music researcher Tim Bower noted the Automotus Advertus Paradox, a scientific principle in musicology that suggests the more a band tries to distance itself from the “car commercial” sound, the more it begins to emulate it.
“When a band like this tries to weave a rich narrative tapestry or incorporate any experimentation it always sounds like it was created in a boardroom, like it was meant to appeal to as many demographics as possible,” said Bower. “The blend of folk and rock with indie elements, the heartfelt lyrics- perfect for scenes with kids and dogs unloading the trunk to have a picnic in the park on a nice summer day. There is one simple rule in commercial music; if someone in your band is wearing a brimmed hat, you should just expect your music to be used to sell cars at some point.”
In a prepared statement, seemingly depressed members of The Collective stated they were thrilled to have showcased the rugged power of the Kia Sorento, the perfect family-friendly midsize crossover SUV that combines style with practicality.