“Breaking Bad,” along with “The Sopranos” and “The Wire” in the 2000s and early 2010s, defined the golden age of television, and while many have tried to replicate the success of these shows, whether it was with similar, but inferior shows, or impressionable, often male audience members taking the wrong lessons from the show, their cultural impact was undeniable. By using immersive, beautiful cinematography, stark symbolism, and world-building on par with any fantasy realm, Vince Gilligan brought the day-to-day operations of the drug trade into our homes, along with a cast of colorful, morally grey characters who would still be sparking water cooler conversations if work from home hadn’t taken off.
And unlike many films and TV shows before, “Breaking Bad” never glorified the drug trade, highlighting the corrupt, amoral, and often terrifying reality of the war on drugs, and its impact on everyone from the dealers to the struggling addict skanks (we’re sorry, that’s skank-ass skanks), law enforcement and innocent bystanders. How did those in power respond to this? By continuing the drug war, increasing the demand for these more lethal than ever before products, ensuring the financial future of black market drug dealers for the foreseeable future.
Since we assume most of our readers have no experience with buying or selling drugs, we’re gonna go ahead and provide some much-needed insight into how much we would like to pick up off of everyone in the game on “Breaking Bad” (“Better Call Saul” players need not apply, neither do ancillary players, sorry Jimmy and Mike). From tight, to TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT, YEAH, here we go bitch!
15. Tomás Cantillo
Oh hell no, this is a child. Buying drugs is always a little bit sketchy, but when your dealer is still trying to figure out how to navigate sixth grade you have a big problem. Plus the kid is trigger happy as hell. Blame it on the video games these kids are playing these days.
14. Tucker
There is no one more unreliable, unpredictable and ill-reputable than an addict dealer. Due to the continuing war of the Tweakers versus the Shadow People, Tucker would show up several hours late, after being awake for God knows how long, beat up, spun, and scared, mixing up your bag with someone else’s in the chaos. Tucker just brings shady vibes to every occasion, especially with that fearsome-looking shotgun, freshly fired to execute the Shadow King, winning the war on the Shadow People, but scaring the living shit out of us. Only buy from him if you’re into digging holes and bong fights.
13. Lydia Rodart-Quayle
You would only be able to buy from her if you completed a convoluted route to the pickup and spoke in some stupid code. Not to mention, if the cops show up she would happily snitch you out for a tub of ice cream in prison every night, and that’s without her sentence being reduced from RICO charges to 7 years, even without her sentence being reduced at all.
12. Todd Alquist
If you buy from him everything’s gonna be cool at first, and he’s going to seem a little too normal. But every time you go back to him he will make more unwanted and unhealthy advances towards you, romantic or otherwise. Then one day, you’re going to find out he is using your voice, recorded from conversations in your transactions, as his ringtone, leading you to try and flee, only to be knocked out, awakening in an enclosed pit cage with his pet tarantula. You beg him for release, but he ignores you, pets the tarantula, commenting on its beautiful egg sack, before insisting you guys “play nice, or I’m going to have to come in there”…ugh!
11. Tuco Salamanca
In the event that Jesse is ever kidnapped by neo-nazis, stranded in the desert for days, or just partying up with the ladies after ripping his old high school teacher off, you would go to Tuco out of sheer necessity. Buying from him is never fun, and considering that he’s always armed, usually tweaked out, and always scary, surrounded by a posse of tough guys at the ready to hospitalize you if you so much as look the wrong way, or are short 5 cents. Scooping from this Salamanca is best done on your Sunday best behavior, getting in and out like Jimmy, as fast as possible lest you get kidnapped and sold to the cartel.
10. Jack Welker
What is worse than cartel Slavery? Neo-Nazi slavery, which Jack conducts not just for business, but also pleasure. The only time you would even consider sourcing from this loony would be in prison, since having his gang’s protection would mean you could get high in peace. Biggest downside (aside from the obvious) is that if you are within six feet of this dude, your chances of getting lung cancer increases a thousandfold. Ironic, since Nazi Germany ran one of the first anti-smoking campaigns in modern history.
9. Emilio Koyama
Jesse’s one-time partner in crime and cousin to Krazy-8, Emilio would always short you on your bag (thumbs on the scale amirite?), and when confronted about your gram being short, he would brush you off, telling you that he “Don’t do no paperwork.” Plus he was under the eye of the Albuquerque DEA at the time of the “Breaking Bad” Pilot, so if you buy off him, chances are that the feds are watching you too, and that’s not meth-induced sleep deprivation talking.
8. Krazy-8
Coming in at number 8 is Krazy-8 (real name Domingo Molina). Former furniture salesman turned Cartel soldier, turned DEA Confidential Informant, reaching his final form as the first person Walt and Jesse SUCCESSFULLY dissolved in Hydrofluoric Acid, chances are if you are buying from Krazy-8, you are in the game yourself, and if you get too big for your britches, expect the cops to make the drop and bust you, while Domingo steals your clients, ripping you off like the crusts on his sandwiches. A terrible situation for all, except Mr. Molina.
7. Combo
Combo is the type of guy who is always reliable, if a little rough around the edges. You would continue to buy off of him regularly for a time, until he mysteriously stops answering your texts, never to be heard from again. Wherever this drug slinging dude with truly terrible fashion and hair is, we hope he’s alive and well.
6. Jesse Pinkman
Everyone’s favorite druggie loser burnout older brother turned unwilling and unwitting “partner” in the biggest meth operation in America, Jesse would never be your first choice for pickup, but would easily provide the goods in a pinch. But deep down, you would always pity him, hoping that someday, he would be able to leave the game and settle down to a more peaceful life, far away from the prison he arguably built himself, maybe Alaska, where he can build fine wooden boxes for discerning stoners.
5. Don Eladio
Head of the Juarez Cartel, victim of Benjamin Button disease, and pool enthusiast, you probably buy off this guy whether or not you know it, but let’s cut the middleman and get your gear straight off the brick, since it’s less likely to be contaminated with fentanyl. Word is, if you make him enough money by working for him, he treats his employees to poolside tequila, cigars and enough booty to make Sir-Mix-A-Lot blush, the cartel equivalent of a pizza party (but no union). Just don’t conduct business on his territory without his enthusiastic, eager, and unretracted consent, unless you have a shady past involving the Pinochet Government and want one of his henchmen to kill the love of your life in front of you, putting a damper on those pool parties.
4. Gale Boetticher
Quiet, discreet, pleasant, and arguably more moralistic when compared to others on this list, Gale is a rare breed in the game with his quirky, seemingly good nature, intellectual depth and all around unthreatening aura, and a karaoke king to boot. The only downside of grabbing the goods is that he only takes orders from Telegram, leading you to question just what else he is doing that requires anonymity, and where exactly this “Libertarian” was on January 6th, 2021.
3. Walter White
Walt would always have that 99.7% pure, from the dankest of dank, to the frostiest snow, you can count on him for both quality and reliability, and he would happily miss the birth of his daughter to make the drop for you. Unfortunately, he’s also the type of dealer who would “badger” you to hang out with him for “just 10 minutes” after bagging your new stash, easily turning into several hours of uninteresting chemistry talk, leading to a wasted afternoon you could have spent getting high in peace alone, listening to Dark Side of the Moon. Not cool Walt, and you never were.
2. Gus Fring
Gus is the ultimate dealer. Meticulous, cautious, and punctual with an always excellent product, so if you have a guy like him, you hold on for dear life, lest he gets blown up by a blood enemy in a wheelchair (gives a real bell ringer I hear). Chances are, if you were buying from him, you wouldn’t even know it since your stuff would be dropped off by a bike courier, who gives you a full menu of fun, complete with a quality check (all those years at Los Pollos taught Gus a thing or two about quality control). So if you wanna get high, you fly with Fring.
1. Badger and Skinny Pete
A reincarnation of the two clueless dudes from the original “Pirates of the Caribbean,” these guys are the absolute best. Quality product, interesting post-pickup discussions and hours of Adderall-fueled video gaming, these are plugs for more than just drugs, and are always holding hugs, just for you. These are solid dudes who always go the extra mile, talking you down from a bad acid trip not just because they sold you the product, but because it’s the right thing to do yo, and you’d want to hang out with them even if they left the game. Keep safe on the streets boys, and party on.
He’s a teetotaler when it comes to alcohol. Homemade pharmaceuticals, that’s another story.
Unlike other muppets Camilla is just a chicken, and not anthropomorphic or sentient. No matter how many times her toxic sexual relationship with Gonzo causes her to drunkenly create a scene, the police can’t arrest her.
He’s never been arrested, but he’s been fired for passing out drunk in the janitor’s closet several times.
Rowlf is a good boy, but he had an embarrassing Tom Waits phase in the early ’00s and leaned into the whiskey. He was arrested a few times for disorderly conduct, but people close to him claim he was just trying to write a song about spending the night in a drunk tank.
He’s friendly enough sober, but once he’s had a few and he puts his mean eyebrows on, look out!
Sweetums has the alcohol tolerance of Andre the Giant. Unfortunately, he drinks as much as Andre the Giant. He doesn’t get violent or reckless, just sort of sloppy and sad. He’s been arrested drunk only once for refusing to leave a Cheesecake Factory at closing.
He enjoys his brandy but has never been arrested for alcohol-related misconduct. The FBI is building a case against Gonzo for much more sinister crimes, and the local cops know not to get in the way.
Fozzie has been sober since April 10th, 1992. He opened up about his rock bottom on a recent episode of WTF. “I was putting two nips in my coffee every morning just to stop the shakes. When you were partying with the Texas Mafia boys, that was considered normal. I can’t change what I did. I shouldn’t have been driving that night. Sam Kinison, wherever you are, I’m sorry, and I miss you. Waka waka.”
Janice’s alcohol-related rap sheet is relatively tame for a member of The Electric Mayhem. Three arrests for disorderly conduct, two for driving under the influence, and one for breaking into a random family’s home and falling asleep in the kitchen.
You don’t wind up as a fish boomerang expert living the clean life.
People think he got his name from his ghastly appearance, but really it’s all the drunk driving arrests. But he comes from a rich family so he’s never done any real time.
Rizzo likes to party as much as the next muppet, but the second someone says cop he’s gone. Even when he’s three sheets to the wind he’s fast, agile, and determined not to go back to prison.
Clifford started hitting the bottle hard when the pressure of hosting Muppets Tonight started to get to him. He wound up creating a work environment so volatile he made Jimmy Fallon look like Mr. Rogers.
You would think rebranding as a healthy lifestyle influencer in the early ’00s would slow Bobo’s roll but guess again. Bobo is a classic problem drinker, so when he goes, he goes hard. His antics have earned him a lifelong ban from the Webby Awards, and Beauregard has had to drive him everywhere since he lost his license in 2017.
