WASHINGTON — A recent study conducted by the Census Bureau revealed that the majority of Millennial Americans are forced to take on a second or third midlife crisis just by existing in the United States, multiple sources have confirmed.
“After extensive research, our data has shown the number of citizens experiencing existential crises has not only doubled in the last 20 years, but that many are juggling two or three of them at once. It’s approximately one crisis for every job worked or child reared,” said Bureau researcher Morgan Chase. “Thirty years ago one could suffer suburban malaise and wonder if they did anything meaningful with their lives on a single dead-end job. Now Millennials are quickly becoming the new ‘olds’ with little to show for it, so millions of people are on the verge of dying their hair and moving to a different country within a week.”
Those who participated in the research were well aware they were disassociating much more than previous generations.
“I was barely holding it together after this 19-year-old barista referred to me as ma’am, but then I got my student loan bill and 20-year high school graduation invite on the same day. I cannot handle having so much time behind me while I’m still yet to find a rewarding career, which means if I’m going to recapture the feeling of being young and carefree I’m going to have to take up even more hobbies to distract myself,” said Taylor Clemmons, age 36. “I can’t physically take one more video of a Gen Z kid confused by how landline phones work. I’m already training for a triathlon and wall climbing to feel young again. I don’t think my knees can handle having to face my own mortality much longer.”
Psychologists helping patients through the multitude of crises expressed worry that the issue may compound over time.
“Handling a patient’s midlife crisis used to be easy, like they went out and bought a muscle car without consulting their wives or whatever. But let’s face it, after 2020, everyone’s anxieties started running wild once it appeared civilization was in the endgame,’ said Dr. Richard Brown. “I’ve had at least several guys in here blow their kids’ college funds buying Stratocasters and converting their garages into bars, just to realize they can’t play or handle their booze anymore. It’s a vicious downward spiral.”
The study also warned that a substantial number of Americans are just one soul-searching dilemma away from asking their spouses for an open marriage.
Season 2 starts off with Rachel finally ready to enter into a relationship with Ross, only to find that he’s reconnected with an old flame while in China. In an attempt to console her crestfallen friend, Phoebe says “Hey, I’ve got a bat over here whose all fucked up and sick, wanna do science stuff on it?” The gang quickly isolates the novel coronavirus, and against her better judgment, Rachel secretly infects Ross to sabotage his relationship, unaware of its high spreadability. While moments like Chandler quipping “Could I be more respirated?” were funny at the time, in hindsight, it was a pretty irresponsible thing to put on network television.
Upon learning that Joey’s movie in Vegas fizzled out, and he is in fact working as a gladiator in a casino, Chandler and Monica decide to go visit him, and the rest of the gang decided to tag along. Their mission: Give Joey Covid-19 as payback for lying about his movie. Could they have picked a bigger travel city?
When Monica is stung by a jellyfish, Chandler is forced to urinate on her wound to relieve the sting. Insulted, she prays to Poseidon for a means to exact revenge. Suddenly a seashell washes onto the shore before her and opens itself, revealing a vile of COVID-19. The episode ends with Monica grinning as Chandler complains he can’t taste his latte, the other patrons of Central Perk all coughing behind them. While this episode was an instant classic for originating the catchphrase “We were on a break!” its glib treatment of COVID-19, the virus that put the whole world on a break, is not forgivable.
When a writer threatens to kill off Joey’s soap opera character, he stages a stunt to change his mind—posing as a real doctor at a real hospital. Unfortunately, it works too well, and in his hubris, Joey tells the hospital staff “Get me some absolutely fucked up bats, I mean seriously the most ill-looking bats you can possibly find, and some needles, stat!” A week later Joey gets the call that his character won’t be killed off after all and he’s pumped, then we cut to the writer dying of Covid.
Monica rushes Ross to the hospital after what he believes to be an allergic reaction to kiwis. Turns out it’s COVID-19. Meanwhile, Joey and Chandler accidentally leave Ross’s baby son on a bus, unmasked, spreading the novel coronavirus to hundreds of commuters. While the gang didn’t invent COVID-19 in this one, Pheobe’s anti-vaccination anthem “Smelly Vax” did a lot of harm.
In this classic bottle episode, the gang franticly tries to get ready for an important event at the museum, with some hilarious single-room antics. Joey puts on Chandler’s clothes, Rachel has an obsessive meltdown over her outfit, and Monica keeps fiddling with a bunch of medical waste and pangolin carcasses she found. They almost bail, until Ross reminds everyone that the Imuno-compromised patrons’ dinner only happens once a year, and they go, as the camera stays on a Covid-19 test strip slowly turning positive. Cue laugh track
When Pheobe becomes a surrogate mother for her brother and his fiance, she becomes transfixed with the awesome power of science, telling the gang “I bet I could create new variants of Covid-19 if I set my mind to it!” When they mock her, she hits the lab determined to get her revenge. She succeded, and the death toll is 3 million and growing.
When a cheesecake is accidentally delivered to Chandler’s apartment, he and Rachel just can’t stop themselves from wolfing it down. They feel guilty about it, but when the same thing happens again they just eat it again. Angered by their transgression, the rightful recipient has a third cheesecake sent to Chandler’s home, this one full of coronavirus. Chandler and Rachel are so angry that when a 4th cheesecake is delivered they eat the entire thing immediately with their bare hands like animals, even though they can’t taste anything.
Chandler and Monica impulsively decide to elope in Vegas, but when they go to the chapel, who do they see coming out? An incredibly drunk Ross and Rachel, who just wed themselves! Meanwhile, the world around them is in chaos. The COVID they irresponsibly gave Joey as a prank spreads like wildfire through the casino. Vegas is swiftly placed on lockdown, but it’s too late. Between the jet-setting high rollers and sex workers, Joey interacts with, the virus is global in a matter of hours. Hospitals are overrun, nonessential workers are told to stay home, and food supply chains are rapidly breaking down with no plan to fix them in sight. The gangs’ response? Backing away slowly whistling nonchalantly.
The gang decides to watch a home video of Rachel and Monica getting ready for their senior prom. After some very tasteful and funny fat-shaming of Monica that has aged like wine, Rachel’s date seemingly bails, and Ross decides to save the day by putting on a tux and taking her himself. By the time he gets ready Rachel’s date arrives, and Ross is left crestfallen, muttering to himself “Well, I guess I’ll go finish that Covid-19 virus I was working on. We don’t have cell phones or Zoom yet or anything so it’s going to be extra funny I guess.” Moved by what she has seen in the video, Rachel kisses Ross, and immediately begins dry coughing, prompting the whole gang to say “Here we go again!”