Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Pretty Sure It Is HR Violation To Tell Coworker His Band’s Name

Posted on February 16, 2022 by Cory Cousins

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Local man and lead singer of popular metal band, A Fistful of Fetuses, thought it a good idea to consult his company’s policies and procedures before disclosing his band name to fellow coworkers, sources close to the man confirm.

“I just landed this job at Pho Whom The Bowl Tolls and I’m trying not to screw this one up,” admitted A Fistful of Fetuses vocalist, Brandon McTeague. “I mean, anyone worth their salt in the Deathgrind scene would tell you that our band name is not meant to offend, but more to sicken and shock people into listening to our music out of morbid curiosity. But you know how it is these days, everybody has to be offended by something. I’m just going to play it safe before handing out our fetus keychain merch.”

An HR manager at the corporate offices of Pho Whom The Bowl Tolls was available to clarify questions regarding professionalism in the workplace.

“His band’s name is what?” asked baffled HR manager, Shelly Patterson. “We at PWTBT do not condone the exploitation of a fetus, let alone a fistful of them, for the sole purpose of promoting a second-rate Deathgrind band. That is just unacceptable on every level. Now, if we’re talking about top-tier Deathgrind such as Napalm Death or Cattle Decapitation, then we might reconsider. But this is just amateur hour as far as I’m concerned.”

Others in the community, including McTeague’s mom, gave their opinion about the controversial namesake of the local band.

“I don’t like it, but that’s never stopped Brandon before,” noted McTeague’s mother, Barb McTeague. “On the one hand, I like to support my son and all of his endeavors, but on the other hand it can be a little horrifying, and frankly, embarrassing. Whenever my friends inquire about my son, the conversation usually leads to his music, and I never know what to tell them when it comes to the band name, so I usually just tell them it’s called, ‘A Fistful of Fun.’”

At press time, after learning about the company’s opinion of his band, McTeague decided to leave the restaurant and try his luck at another local eatery, Cock Of The Wok.

Modern Day Rapunzel? This Guy at the County Fair Is Letting Women Play With His Rat Tail

Posted on February 16, 2022 by Michael Gursky

Somebody call the Brothers Grimm! A modern-day retelling of their famous German fairy tale, Rapunzel, took place at the Wake County Fair, as a burly man allowed a line of flustered local ladies to caress and play with his lengthy rat tail.

We sure would like to be locked up in a tower with him!

The most eligible fair-goers North Carolina had to offer stood single-file, awaiting their turn to approach the brooding man and tug on his narrow strand of hair, excitedly preparing for the Disney princess moment they had always imagined.

“Wee!” one woman shouted before vomiting a Big Gulp-sized stream of jungle juice onto the rat-tailed man’s steel-toe boots. Like a scorpion, he swung his body in a smooth vigorous spin and flung the little puking lady off of his hair, projecting her into a deep-fried Snickers cart.

The incident did not deter other inebriated, small-town ladies from playing with the tail. The line stayed steady all day, making it the most popular attraction at the fair that didn’t involve racing pigs.

County Fair organizers weren’t angry with the man for garnering so much fanfare, so long as he cut them a piece of his profit.

“I gave the greedy fucks a buck for every 5 I made,” reasoned the unnamed rat-tailed man, who had quite a bit of cash stuffed into his sleeveless Marshall Tucker Band half-tee. “But I get it. This is just how it goes in the rat tail business. And believe me, brother, business is good.”

Man Clearly Lying About Which Band’s Show He Caught COVID At

Posted on February 16, 2022 by Sean Fallon

BOULDER, Colo. — Local man and obvious liar, Benjamin Walters, who was recently diagnosed with COVID, claims to have caught at “the gnarliest show” he’d ever been to, sources who wish he knew he didn’t have to try so hard confirmed.

“Oh my god, this show was wild,” said Walters, visibly sweating and not making eye contact. “Los Crudos played a secret show and there were tons of girls there and a free bar…and an ice cream truck. Yeah, it was just a once-in-a-lifetime thing, dude. Yeah. And they didn’t advertise it or review it or anything. Oh, and they banned us from posting about it on social media so that’s why I didn’t post any pics. Also, we weren’t allowed to take pictures at all. It sucks I got COVID from it but hey, shows like that don’t come around every day, you know?”

Friends of Walters have found themselves suspicious of his version of events due to previous similar situations in which Walters lied and was subsequently found out.

“He tries to pull this shit all the time,” said Walters’ high school friend, Sadie Mitchum. “When we were teenagers, he would get grounded then come into school the next day pretending he snuck out and had some crazy adventure and made out with like twenty girls, when really he’d just be on MSN Messenger trying to get Sophie Burns’ from chem class’s email address off her friends. It’s pathetic but harmless. It just means that anything that comes out of his mouth is basically bullshit.”

Those close to Walters Googled the event and found no evidence of its existence, but they did find that one band had been playing nearby on the night that he contracted COVID-19.

“I fully believe he went to a show, but the only thing going on that sounded remotely close to a ‘crazy punk show’ was a Smash Mouth cover band called The L-Shaped Fingers and Thumbs,” said girlfriend Danica Salazar. “There’s even a photo of him sitting behind their merch table on some sports bar’s Instagram, and he’s not even drinking or anything. I would be upset about him lying but I’m mostly just too embarrassed for him to say anything.”

As of press time, Walters’ condition had worsened and doctors treating him were suspicious of his story that he contracted COVID while going on a date with Michelle Obama.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Heartwarming: When This Teacher Couldn’t Afford School Supplies, a Millionaire Offered to Sleep With His Wife

Posted on February 15, 2022 by Eli Johnson

When it comes to America’s teachers, I think we can all agree the label is more than deserved. One such hero is the tireless Mark Sheffield, one of the “dopest” teachers at Pine Crest Middle School, according to his students, who he is willing to do just about anything for. So when the school board announced budget cuts, the cost of classroom supplies would soon be coming out of Mr. Sheffield’s pockets. That is, until a guardian angel intervened.

After hearing of the Sheffield household’s financial troubles, a complete stranger reached out to Mark and his lovely wife Linda with a generous proposal. Enter Henry McMaster, a wealthy real estate developer who graciously offered to aid Mr. Sheffield by sleeping with his wife.

“What can I say? I was moved when I noticed Linda in the background of Mark’s Go Fund Me video Googling how to sell plasma,” McMaster said. “I just felt that I wanted, no, that I had to do something.”
Amazing!

“Sure, some people might have offered money,” McMaster continued, “But a few dry erase markers and notebooks would just be putting a band aid on the more systemic challenges facing our education system. By taking his wife as my own for a night of ecstasy at my country manor, I could show her what true financial security feels like, even if for a fleeting moment, and more importantly, give Mark the motivation to buckle down and achieve like I have.”

Wow! So many feels! With so much animus directed at the 1 percent, it’s important to remember they’re human beings with hearts too. Just ask Mr. Sheffield.

“This gesture was a godsend in what has felt like a pretty bleak time for educators,” Sheffield said. “Our school district just banned mask mandates, which as an immunocompromised individual has me a bit concerned. Plus, parents have been grilling me about critical race theory, even though I teach algebra. But I still feel like I have the best job in the world, and Mr. McMaster’s generosity has even inspired me to pick up a side hustle delivering for Grubhub.”

Stop it. No, you’re crying! It just goes to show that, with a little grit and determination, there’s nothing America’s teachers can’t do, especially with the aid of sexual philanthropists like Henry McMaster!
“Sheffield isn’t the only educator struggling right now, and to his peers I just want to say that if you have a hot wife, I will ball that woman 5 ways from sundown, for the children.”

Entire Coffee Shop Grimaces As Vegan Barista Announces “Cow’s Milk” Latte

Posted on February 15, 2022 by Lauren Sewell

SAN FRANCISCO — Customers at local coffee shop, Verdant Cafe, collectively felt shivers go through their spines when a barista announced a “cow’s milk” latte was now ready for pick up, multiple sources confirmed.

“What sort of sick freak still orders dairy milk? We can extract milk from a cashew, for Christ’s sake, yet apparently some people are still totally fine with tearing a baby cow away from its mother and also shitting their pants,” said vegan punk River Howell. “When the barista yelled “cow’s milk latte on the bar!” I could feel the entire room recoil. It’s honestly traumatic to be forced to think about bloody cow teats at 8 a.m. on a Tuesday. I’ve got a conference call in twenty, but I’m going to need at least thirty to decompress by calling my legislature about holding Darigold accountable.”

Abigail Gordon, the latte purchaser in question, was ashamed and annoyed with the barista’s smear campaign.

“When I missed the first call to pick up my drink, she announced it again by yelling, ‘This is the latte made from the milk of a forcibly impregnated cow,’ and then I heard one of the other customers whisper ‘enjoy your puss’ under their breath,” said Gordon. “I always considered dairy milk to be organic and natural, but these people were acting like I had just ordered a cup full of puppy guts or something. I would probably be open to other milk alternatives, but I read they are all packed with hormones. No thanks.”

Despite primarily catering to a vegan crowd, the coffee shop will still begrudgingly make a cow’s milk latte for a handful of ignorant tourists or heartless bastards.

“Man, I just relish in it. In a kind of sick way, I look forward to when one of these obtuse brutes enters the shop,” said shift manager Neel Singh. “So many people choose to remain in the dark about the consequences of their actions. But I’m here to remind them that their suffering pales in comparison to that of innocent cows and that Big Dairy needs to be burnt to the ground. I also like to make a middle finger or a giant dick in the foam for anyone that uses cow’s milk. It’s the little things that keep me going.”

At press time, Verdant Cafe staff gagged in unison when a couple wearing leather cowboy boots walked in.

I Guess It’s Just Me at the Annual Zwan Appreciation Conference, Once Again

Posted on February 15, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Who’s ready for the best weekend of the year? This guy, right here! And apparently, nobody else because, once again, I booked the main hall at this Ramada Hotel & Conference Center for no good reason. Looks like it’s only gonna be me at the Zwan Appreciation Conference, just like last year.

Apparently, I made this life-size cardboard cutout of multi-instrumentalist Dave Pajo solely for my own enjoyment. This is a disaster.

I really don’t get it. What gives? Zwan was a very popular, genre-bending alternative rock group in the early 2000s. Hell, they were a musical guest on SNL! You don’t get to be introduced by Ray Romano to play your latest single without some serious momentum in your career.

I can’t be the only one who appreciates the intricate, dynamic basswork of A Perfect Circle’s Paz Lenchantin. Paz also played bass for The Pixies, by the way. People would know that if there were anybody here to visit the Paz Information Kiosk I set up right over there.

Oh boy, I sure am glad I rented this very expensive PA system so I could be the only one enjoying the soundtrack to filmmaker Jonas Åkerlund’s 2003 drug drama “Spun.” It’s like I’m the only one who remembers the dream of Zwan!

Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. This is the exact same thing that happened last year, even though I must have passed out a thousand flyers. I even swamped the ZwanFan.net message boards! Though, to be fair, I think I was the only one there too.

“Mary Star of the Sea” made it to number three on Billboard! That’s like, hundreds of thousands of copies sold. Where did all those fans go? Did they forget about the deep spiritual lyrics of the “True Poets of Zwan,” as they were originally called? Just me, I guess.

You know what? I give up. I can’t be the only one to carry the flame of Djali Zwan (the acoustic lineup of the band featuring the melancholy cello work of Ana Lenchantin, sister of Paz). It’s simply too much weight for one person to bear.

Well, this is it. Goodbye, Annual Zwan Appreciation Conference. You were too beautiful for this world. I guess I better call Mr. Corgan and tell him the autograph booth is canceled.

Cautionary Tale Taken as Encouragement

Posted on February 15, 2022 by Walker JF Glenn

OAKLAND, Calif. — The cautionary tale of long-time road dog and punk scene veteran “Wild” Bill Ketchum is reportedly being taken as encouragement by struggling local musician Dan Webber, bewildered sources confirmed Monday.

“Dan was talking to me for the millionth time about quitting music, saying he doesn’t want to be playing in the same shitholes when he turns 37 next year,” said close friend and off-and-on bandmate James Gill. “And I said that made sense, and that Wild Bill is pushing 50 and still playing for beer money in a different dive every night. Well, Dan just gets real quiet for a few minutes and then goes, ‘You’re right, man. Beer money does sound pretty nice.’ Then he thanked me for the talk and said I ‘saved his career.’”

Sources report that Webber is citing multiple examples of Ketchum’s lonely, broken existence as aspirational.

“I remember doing a show with Wild Bill where he told me he doesn’t even have an address, but just couch crashes in every town he plays in. And I’m sitting here thinking, I can’t believe I was about to give up on my dream. That could be me! If only I wasn’t locked into this prison with Shannon,” said Webber, referring to his rent-controlled two bedroom apartment shared with and paid for by his girlfriend. “That’s the other cool thing about Bill: he’s not weighed down by a family. Well, I mean, he has a family, but I don’t think he’s allowed to see them.”

Adriana Mills, a private practice attorney and Wild Bill’s firstborn child, corroborated her father’s willingness to forgo the trappings of domestic life in his pursuit of the musical arts.

“I haven’t seen that piece of shit since I was 12. He showed up randomly and handed my mom a palm full of drink tickets saying there was ‘plenty more where that came from,’ instead of just paying his child support,” said a visibly agitated Mills. “As the cops were dragging him away he yelled something to me about not growing up to be a normie. Like anyone would be dumb enough to take life-advice from that asshole. Occasionall I’ll get an email from him, but it’s just saying something like ‘cum see me play the Tiki Hut on Thursday. All cover set.’ It’s really sad.”

As of press time, Webber reported he is still considering abandoning music in order to pursue a more stable career in stand-up comedy.

Woman Told to Take Chill Pill Despite Already Being Six Benadryl In

Posted on February 14, 2022 by Josephine Ramos

HILLSBOROUGH, N.J. — Local party-goer and person seemingly in need of some “quiet time,” Katherine Gallagher, is being asked by those around her to “take a chill pill” despite already having taken five times the recommended dose of diphenhydramine.

“I didn’t expect the host to have a cat, so I was surprised when we arrived to see white cat hair all over his furniture. I have pretty bad allergies so I took a few Benadryl. My eyes were still itchy so I took a few more,” explained Gallagher. “I’ll be honest, I didn’t have enough cash for the molly that was being passed around, so the last three were just for kicks. Normally, antihistamines don’t affect me that much, but I’m having second thoughts now because when I tried pulling my wallet out of the skin on my forearm it wasn’t there. I don’t know how else I’m going to pay for these headshots.”

Despite her insistence that she was “all good,” friends of Gallagher described her impaired state this evening as “deranged, at best.”

“Kate was fine in the Uber ride over there. We went to the party and twenty minutes later she wouldn’t shut up about ants crawling all over her arms,” said friend Lauren Sadek. “It’s the middle of winter so I didn’t see ants anywhere, but she smacked my arm like a million times. She needs to chill the fuck out because it’s messing with my vibes and my arm is starting to hurt. Not to mention how Kate keeps rambling on about the dark shadowy figure looming above to reap our souls or whatever.”

After the onset of Gallagher’s symptoms, medical professionals were called to the site to conduct an assessment of the patient’s health.

“When used as directed, the active ingredients in Benadryl should not yield hallucinations,” explained Hillsborough EMT Gregg Whitlock. “When our unit gets called to a party, we usually treat alcohol poisoning and overdoses due to pills. At this party, guests were reportedly seen consuming large amounts of ecstasy and cocaine, but after that sixth Benadryl, she’s higher than half the posers here.”

At press time, Gallagher was seen with swollen bloodshot eyes, crying about the inexorable reaping of the Dark Lord, almighty.

Romantic Punk Surprises Partner With Breakfast in Mattress on the Floor

Posted on February 14, 2022 by Bobby Korec

ENUMCLAW, Wash. — Local lovey-dovey punk Geoff Bayweather took his partner by complete surprise after serving her a traditional breakfast in mattress on the floor, sources who weren’t used to sleeping a mere eight inches off the ground confirmed.

“I even washed the sheets a few weeks prior and used the good Febreze to really set the mood,” said Bayweather while flipping the mattress over to the “less stained” side. “I walked into my bedroom/living room/dining room with a tray full of the most scrumptious gas station finds promptly at 11:30 a.m. which is the most romantic part of the morning. Sure, it took another 45 minutes to actually wake her up from her deep hangover before she finally noticed my chivalry, but I think she was pleasantly surprised. My exes actually used to make fun of me for serving them breakfast in a futon, so I upgraded and got a plain old mattress to really feel like an adult.”

“Can you believe someone just left this one out on the streets?” he added.

Soliel Mindypain, Bayweather’s love interest, did not see this coming.

“Seems like he even exterminated the bed bugs that were infesting his mattress in preparation. What a sweetheart,” said Mindypain before noticing that he left the price tags on the food packages. “However, I wouldn’t consider French Onion Sun Chips, a Little Debbie Cosmic Brownie manually cut into the shape of a heart, and a can of Monster Energy actual breakfast foods. But hey, it’s the thought that counts. Execution absolutely does not when it comes to these things. This guy’s a keeper.”

Relationship experts stressed the importance of romantic gestures.

“Showing affection and performing acts of kindness are surprisingly pretty huge in a relationship,” said couples therapist Margaret Haymaker. “Valentine’s Day is perfect for those who forgot to do anything mushy the entire year. Just don’t be that person who ‘doesn’t need a holiday’ to tell them what to do in order to get out of participating. They more likely than not haven’t done anything the rest of the year anyway except buy themselves an Xbox. Honestly, just the bare minimum will usually do the trick.”

In related news, Bayweather kept the romance going by arranging a beautiful sunset viewing on YouTube, sharing a bottle of fine Colt 45, and orchestrating a candlelight dinner but only using BIC lighters since he didn’t actually own any candles.

Photo by Jana Miller.

How to Pleasure a Woman Using Only Your Devilock

Posted on February 14, 2022 by Heather Cook

Ever since the birth of the Misfits, women have been unable to resist the unquenchable sex appeal of a delicious devilock. A sharp and salacious point of hair that runs down the center of your forehead? It doesn’t get more phallic than that. It’s such a steamy symbol that some people start dripping with sweat simply at the sight of one sailing through a mosh pit. So, if you’re dabbling with this legendary punk hairstyle and want to know how to pleasure a woman using only your sexy devilock, then you’ve come to the right place. Hair gel at the ready ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be a horny ride.

First off, it’s essential to note that the irresistible power of the devilock can only work its magic if the setting is right. It’s not just the sheer magnetism of the devilock that makes it so desirable, but everything it stands for: Punk Rock. Freedom. Sex. Set the mood by dimming the lights and telling your Amazon Alexa to play your “Nonstop Danzig” playlist. After all, a reminder of why the devilock is so iconic will surely up your bone game. And before anything else, remember there is nothing sexier than asking for consent before letting the devilock take your partner to Climax-town, USA.

Next, you need to prepare the devilock for the ultimate pleasure experience. It’s crucial that your hair is sculpted into a supple tip that is both sturdy and soft. You’re going to want your devilock to be versatile – ready to caress and stimulate in unexpected ways that defy space and time. Once your devilock is properly prepared, its ticklish and rugged nature will be fit to explore the body in ways your partner never thought were humanly possible. You’ll leave them craving the sensual mysteries that are hidden behind that lock of lust.

Lastly, the greatest of sexual titans understand that you must be willing to humble yourself in order to become a master. Therefore, don’t be afraid to ask for feedback. Did your partner enjoy the slithering sensations of the devilock upon their bosom? Were they thrilled by the astronomical ways it filled every crevice of their being? These are all important questions that you cannot be shy to ask in order to reach the pinnacle of devilock performance.

Are you feeling ready to go where no man, woman, or beast has gone before? Then lube up that devilock, put your face paint on, and go forward with the confidence of a thousand wild Danzig’s.

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