At this point, you have undoubtedly heard of American country singer Lee Greenwood’s Fuck-A-Fan contest, and chances are high that you’ve already registered. However, if this is not yet the case, we’ve taken the liberty of posting the rules here so you can be aware of what is being asked of all contestants. This will ensure the winner is chosen through a safe, fair, and most importantly, pleasurable process. Please read below.
- All applicants must be American citizens who are at least 18 years of age.
This should go without speaking, as Mr. Greenwood is nothing if not a patriot who refuses to penetrate or be penetrated by anyone who’s not a fellow, legal citizen of consenting age. He may openly support a pedophile president, but that does not mean he is one himself.
- All applicants must provide proof of purchase for Mr. Greenwood’s God Bless the U.S.A. Bible.
This is non-negotiable. The legendary Grammy Award winner will not be fucking anybody without an assurance that they, too, are bound for heaven, and we all know that is only a destination made attainable through buying his personalized version of the Word of the Lord.
- All applicants must provide a clean STI test, but NOT a clean COVID test.
Mr. Greenwood is well aware that COVID-19 is a liberal hoax, and expects anyone he fucks to share in this knowledge. He also has no interest in catching gonorrhea again.
- Only applicants residing in solid red states will be considered.
While we certainly sympathize with country fans who are currently trapped in the hellscapes of states like California and New York, we cannot in good conscience allow them to sully history’s greatest country musician with their polluted orifices. Liberalism is a disease, and there are mountains of evidence demonstrating that it is sexually transmitted.
- Any resulting pregnancies must be carried to term.
It is vital that all applicants are aware of this, as Mr. Greenwood refuses to use condoms, and his approach to the famed “pull-out method” has slowed significantly ever since he entered his eighth decade. As a God-fearing American, he obviously believes babies are a gift from Jesus Christ, and expects his future fuck-partner to feel the same. While this is by no means an assurance that he will provide monetary or emotional support to the mother of any future child, he has graciously agreed to arrange for a signed photo to be sent upon receipt of the official birth certificate.
There you have it. Please be sure to complete your application by Christmas. Good luck and God Bless!
