ENUMCLAW, Wash. — Local lovey-dovey punk Geoff Bayweather took his partner by complete surprise after serving her a traditional breakfast in mattress on the floor, sources who weren’t used to sleeping a mere eight inches off the ground confirmed.
“I even washed the sheets a few weeks prior and used the good Febreze to really set the mood,” said Bayweather while flipping the mattress over to the “less stained” side. “I walked into my bedroom/living room/dining room with a tray full of the most scrumptious gas station finds promptly at 11:30 a.m. which is the most romantic part of the morning. Sure, it took another 45 minutes to actually wake her up from her deep hangover before she finally noticed my chivalry, but I think she was pleasantly surprised. My exes actually used to make fun of me for serving them breakfast in a futon, so I upgraded and got a plain old mattress to really feel like an adult.”
“Can you believe someone just left this one out on the streets?” he added.
Soliel Mindypain, Bayweather’s love interest, did not see this coming.
“Seems like he even exterminated the bed bugs that were infesting his mattress in preparation. What a sweetheart,” said Mindypain before noticing that he left the price tags on the food packages. “However, I wouldn’t consider French Onion Sun Chips, a Little Debbie Cosmic Brownie manually cut into the shape of a heart, and a can of Monster Energy actual breakfast foods. But hey, it’s the thought that counts. Execution absolutely does not when it comes to these things. This guy’s a keeper.”
Relationship experts stressed the importance of romantic gestures.
“Showing affection and performing acts of kindness are surprisingly pretty huge in a relationship,” said couples therapist Margaret Haymaker. “Valentine’s Day is perfect for those who forgot to do anything mushy the entire year. Just don’t be that person who ‘doesn’t need a holiday’ to tell them what to do in order to get out of participating. They more likely than not haven’t done anything the rest of the year anyway except buy themselves an Xbox. Honestly, just the bare minimum will usually do the trick.”
In related news, Bayweather kept the romance going by arranging a beautiful sunset viewing on YouTube, sharing a bottle of fine Colt 45, and orchestrating a candlelight dinner but only using BIC lighters since he didn’t actually own any candles.
Photo by Jana Miller.